by Lily Greene
“The first six months were ghastly, the worst of my life. But, slowly the pain dulled and after six months the numbness disappeared. I started to do things for myself. I buried myself in my art and I bought my own flat.”
“Ella, that’s great you bought a house.”
“And now I’m seeing someone.”
“How long have you been together?”
Ella winced at the prospect of telling the truth. One week would sound ridiculous but she liked Fergus so much that saying one week didn’t do their relationship justice. She felt so different when she was with Fergus and she didn’t want to belittle what had started between them.
“A while,” she replied. “He was at the exhibition.” They both took a swig of their wine and Ella realised that they had finished a bottle already. The main course still hadn’t come and Ella was started to feel flushed in her face.
Robbie called over the waiter, politely inquired to the whereabouts of their food and ordered another bottle of wine.
He turned back to Ella.
“Well, I’m happy for you.” Ella scrunched up her mouth and squinted her eyes. “Fuck it, of course I’m not happy for you. I want to be with you.”
“Ah, there’s that selfishness. It’s always about what you want. “
“Ella, I need to tell you more about the lead up to my decision to leave. That’s why I wanted to see you tonight. I wanted to apologise, then explain and then, well, we’ll get to the other reason later.” He edged a little closer to her in the booth so they were no longer on different edges of the table opposite each other but were on the same side, sitting side by side on the leather seat. Ella winced a little as he drew closer. Her physical reaction to his proximity didn’t go unnoticed but it was ignored. Robbie moved closer again and she could smell the fragrance of his Hugo Boss cologne. The scent filled her nose and reminded her of Italy, the Alps, the fishing village in Cornwall — all the places they had holidayed together.
She pushed these thoughts to the back of her mind and took a swig of the wine the waiter had just come over to pour.
She was flirting with the dangerous side of tipsy but she was not going to stop drinking now. She needed the magical liquid even if it was to act only as a prop she could pretend to play with and give her a focus point other than his hazel eyes.
“Ella, last Christmas I was planning to propose to you.”
Ella’s jaw dropped to the floor. She didn’t believe him. Was this a ploy to get her back?
“You remember the silver bracelet I gave you that had diamonds and sapphires on it?” Ella nodded silently, scared to hear what he was going to say next. “Well that was meant to be Part One of the present. Part Two was an engagement ring I was going to give to you on Christmas Day but when it came down to it …” It was his turn to break for wine now. He took a massive gulp and continued when he saw the panic in Ella’s face.
“I had decided a few months before December, October maybe, and I was going to propose on Christmas morning in bed after you opened your stocking. But a few weeks before, doubts crept in. I started to panic about being too young, about being not ready and then it seemed everywhere I went, everyone was talking about marriage and why not to do it! You started to allude to it a lot and while I know you did so in jest and sweetly, every little mention of it started to weigh me down a little bit more.”
Ella couldn’t believe what her ex-boyfriend was telling her. So she had been right. She had seen the signs and she hadn’t been making the whole thing up in her head!
She could feel the full effect of the alcohol now. She felt that the volume of wine she had just consumed was about to flow straight out of her eyes.
Ella felt a tear escape her right eye and she saw Robbie move to wipe it for her. His hand lingered on her face and he tucked one of her curls behind her ear.
“Don’t,” she whispered.
He was so close now she could feel his warm breath on her cheek.
“My darling Ella. I was a fool not to go through with it. I should never have listened to anybody else. I should have ignored their prejudiced and biased comments about how marriage changed everything. But, I’m here now.
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I will spend the rest of my days making up what I did to you, I promise.”
Ella was a wreck. She was crying profusely and looking from Robbie’s eyes to the floor and back again. Finally he was saying all the things she had hoped to hear for so long. For months after he left she had imagined him storming back through their front door and telling her he made a mistake. He wanted her, he loved her. Now it was actually happening and she didn’t know what to do. He was looking longingly at her and started to push the table away from them slightly.
Ella didn’t know why he was creating a gap between the table and the leather seat but when he dropped onto one knee she understood instantly. He took out a small box from his pocket and opened it. There starring at her was an elegant ring with spectacular diamonds sitting either side of an enormous sapphire. It matched the bracelet he had given her last Christmas.
She was lost for words. She felt a lump in her throat rising and all parts of her body screamed different things to her. No. Yes. No. Yes. Run. Stay. Kiss him. Slap him.
“Ella Moore, will you marry me? This is something I should have asked you a long time ago. I love you endlessly and there would be no greater pleasure in life than being your husband.”
Ella was still in shock. She was shaking her head from left to right in disbelief. Robbie, wasn’t sure if she was saying no or if she was just overwhelmed by the situation. He took the ring from the box, slid it onto her ring finger and sat back down next to her. He sat so close to her that his soft lips were brushing her face. Ella looked at him with confusion and he kissed her. His lips were just as she had remembered them; cool, smooth and oh so familiar. She felt her heart explode in her chest as he pressed against her lips and his tongue slid into her mouth. She had dreamed of this for so long and her body had ached for him. She kissed him passionately for a moment, but then something niggled at her. This felt strange and she drew back from him. Although her she had dreamt of this regularly when she had been heartbroken, it felt bizarre to kiss him now, alien even.
Straight away Ella was now wracked with guilt. What was she doing? She didn’t want this. She suddenly realised that she didn’t feel the same for Robbie anymore. She didn’t want him. She wanted Fergus. She wanted to run home and find Fergus waiting for her. She stood up suddenly.
“Robbie!” she bellowed. “I cannot marry you!”
Robbie’s face flooded with panic as she took off the ring and laid it on the table. She slid clumsily between the table and the seat until she was freed of the booth. She turned to look at him, this gorgeous man who had once been the love of her life but was now the love of her past.
“I will never marry you. You are one year too late Robbie.”
She turned her back on him and headed to the door, noticing on her way the waiter carrying a Beef Bourguignon and a Confit de Canard in the direction of their table. Her walk turned into a jog and she sped quickly through the restaurant until she was in the street. She ran all the way to the nearest tube station in her heels, feeling liberated by what had just happened. She sat down on the underground seat and began to laugh.
Chapter Ten
Ella was brushing her teeth in the bathroom when the sound of the kettle startled her. She had forgotten she had put it on and now its screeching was trying to win her attention. She slid aside the glass door of the bathroom and rushed to the hob to take the kettle off the flame. She poured the boiling water onto her teabag and went back to the bathroom to spit out the foamy toothpaste that had collected in her mouth.
Ella slipped on a pair of jeans and a charcoal grey cashmere jumper that was soft and flattered her waist. Once she was dressed she added a dash of milk to her earl grey and stared into the rippling brown hot liquid.
What was she going to do today? She sipped the tea a
nd thought about how she could fill her lazy Sunday. She didn’t want to brave the cold but she wanted to do something Christmassy. Perhaps it was the perfect day to watch festive films she thought; Christmas Day was only two days away now and she could do with relaxing after the busy week she’d had. Suddenly Ella remembered presents! She hadn’t yet wrapped any of the ones she had bought. She took her tea into the art studio where all the gifts, paper, scissors and ribbon were stored.
Sitting in the studio, Ella realised how strange it looked now that her paintings were not there. This empty space was normally so full of colour and life and although the exposed redbrick walls looked rustic and pretty, the room felt bare. She couldn’t help but feel the barrenness of the room reflected her glum state. Although she felt she had made the right decision with regards to Robbie, she still felt a pang of loneliness. Every time she folded the blue-glitter-encrusted silver wrapping paper, a loud crunching sound was produced and echoed against the naked walls. Ella tried to remind herself that this noise was not one of emptiness or loneliness but in fact, it was the sound of success. The amplified sound was only heard because her paintings were being exhibited and all of them had been bought!
But Ella’s thoughts drifted back to the night before. She couldn’t believe that Robbie had proposed to her. She wondered if he had been planning on returning and asking her to marry him for a while or if it had just been a spur of the moment thing in the lead up to Christmas. Ella’s thoughts strayed from Robbie to Fergus. She felt so guilty for having kissed Robbie, even momentarily, when she and Fergus were an item, or they were an item. But she was also glad that she had kissed Robbie because it had given her the closure she needed and shown how just what she had with Fergus. Last night’s kiss had felt foreign and uncanny but her first kiss with Fergus on that patio … wow. She knew it was clichéd but when he had kissed her she had felt like a firework had exploded inside her.
Ella’s contemplation was interrupted by a knock on the door. Ella wasn’t sure who is could be; she wasn’t expecting anybody and it was a Sunday so it wouldn’t be a delivery of some sort. She stood up, using her hand to push herself up from the floorboards. She opened the heavy metal door to see Harry, Charlie, Lara and Libby huddled for warmth like a pack of penguins braving the icy wind.
“Hi! What a surprise! Come in!” she said, welcoming them.
“We come bearing gifts!” Harry grinned as he stepped over the threshold and gestured to a large bag of goodies.
“We thought we’d cook you a roast. Cheer you up a bit and celebrate the exhibition of course!” Lara said, taking off her jacket and settling a large hessian bag of food on the breakfast bar.
“Oh guys, you shouldn’t have!” Ella cried, so happy to see her friends. “I hope Libby’s not cooking though!”
“Ha ha ha,” Libby said sarcastically. “No, I’m in charge of entertainment. I’ll do the music. I knew you were in today, I hope you don’t mind we came over,” she said as she walked over to Ella’s stereo.
“It’s a wonderful surprise.”
The group gathered around the kitchen island and unpacked the supplies while they listened to Michael Bublé’s hit Christmas album.
They spent the early afternoon stuffing the chicken with lemon and herbs and peeling the potatoes. When the spuds were part-boiled they squished each one a little and doused them in goose fat before putting them into the oven to roast alongside the chicken. The veggies were sliced and the Yorkshire puddings were defrosted.
“We’re cheating on the Yorkshire’s – just Aunt Bessie’s!” Lara explained.
“But we did buy a rather nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon which will more than make up for ready-made Yorkshires,” Harry said, as he poured Ella a glass and forced her to sit down and relax. Ella was so happy to see her best friends teetering around her, preparing wonderful smelling Christmas fare. She decided that they should set up a dinning table in her art studio as there was ample space now and only room for two people at the breakfast bar.
Harry and Charlie hopped to it and moved one of Ella’s desks that was pressed up against the wall into the centre of the room. They flung a red tablecloth over the desk that Ella had lying around. They added the plates, cutlery and Christmas crackers to the table and for every item they placed down, Libby adjusted it. She rearranged the mistletoe and candles to look more elegant and also to prevent the plant catching fire on the flames. Watching them set the table was like watching a ballet sequence from the Nutcracker; they navigated their way around each other, turning and swirling with poise, all moving to the same rhythm.
As the men completed the final movement of their dance, the fetch the napkins sequence, Lara and Libby brought in the piping hot food.
No sooner had they sat down to feast, than the questions about last night were asked.
“So, how was it last night?” Lara asked. “Libby told us you met with you know who but that she couldn’t come to see you afterwards because the pre-teen diva she had to dress was causing a scene.”
“Mm,” Libby said, swallowing her sip of wine. “She was so drunk that she ran around trying to take her clothes off at the after party. I had to keep redressing her!”
“But back to the question …” Lara interrupted.
Ella told her closest friends all about the evening she had had. She told them how she had chosen somewhere neutral for them to meet so that she could keep her distance and that Robbie had thought that he could woo her by taking her to one of her old favourite restaurants. She told them that she had started off cold and resolute but with the help of a little wine and Robbie’s charm she had opened up a little more and grown more affectionate. Finally, she told them that he had proposed.
“He proposed!?” Charlie asked, as he spat out a little of his wine, clearly mortified.
“Shit,” said Harry.
“Wow!” said Lara.
“What a head fuck,” said Libby. “How on earth did you react?”
“I said no, obviously.”
Libby sighed a huge sigh of relief and Charlie slammed his hand on the table in pleasure.
Ella paused for a while, waiting on Lara and Harry’s reactions. “I said no and then I ran out of the restaurant and I haven’t spoken to him since,” she continued.
“Well done you!” Libby said, practically whooping. “Doesn’t he know it’s not just about the proposal anymore? Urgh, he doesn’t understand that he changed things by going away. Men. ”
“Exactly Libs, he doesn’t understand that at all. Although it was a pretty horrid conversation, I did enjoy seeing the look on his face when I said no!” she admitted. Charlie who was sitting opposite her at the other head of the table grinned with her. It reminded her that she didn’t know if he had caught up with Robbie on the night of the exhibition and said something to him. She wouldn’t be surprised it he had and she would be glad for it too.
Ella turned to Lara now who had been quiet ever since Ella had them told them she had turned Robbie down.
“What is it?” Ella demanded.
Lara looked up at Ella and shifted in her seat. She placed her knife and fork down and started to speak.
“Well, don’t bite my head off but I assumed you’d have said yes. It is what you have wanted for so long, to have a family and a future with him. And now he is offering it to you. I’m not saying you should forgive him straight away for what he did but I’m surprised you said no to marrying him.”
Suddenly the four friends were off, each battling to voice their opinions. Charlie and Libby disagreed with Lara; they didn’t think Robbie deserved Ella after what he had done. But Harry agreed with Lara and said that Ella shouldn’t be stubborn, she should appreciate that Robbie had the courage to admit that he had made a mistake and was coming back to fix it like a man. Their bickering went on for a few minutes and Ella sat at the top of the table and heard the arguments that poured out of her friends’ mouth dart passionately between both sides of the table, back and forth like a sloppy game o
f tennis.
She stood up suddenly.
“Guys!” she shouted. “I have made up my decision. I am resolute. I appreciate your support, your love, and your advice. You’ve all been incredible this last year but this is my decision and I’d like you to respect it. I do not want to marry Robbie.”
She sat down and they all nodded obediently.
Lara spoke first. “We only want the best for you Ell. I didn’t mean to —”
“I know,” Ella said, smiling, as she put her hand on Lara’s. “And this is the best for me. I know it’s best for me because I can see now that Robbie and I weren’t right and because I feel strongly about Fergus.” The others raised their eyebrows as they finished the remains of their meal and Ella continued. “I really like Fergus. I know it’s so soon to say but, well I feel so different when I am with him. I feel like a bolder, more courageous and better version of myself when I’m with him. He’s the most thoughtful man I’ve ever met and I think I’d be daft not to see where it goes. Just the way he looks at me …” Ella trailed off, distracted by the sound of her friends’ giggling.
“What? What is it?” she asked.
“Nothing,” Harry said, laughing. “It’s just you put on this weird dreamy voice when you talk about Fergus.”
“No I do not!”
“Yes you do!” they all cried.
“Ella’s iiinnn looorrveee,” Charlie teased.
Using her spoon, Ella catapulted a big chunk of carrot at Charlie’s face.
“You guys are so ridiculous. One minute you are arguing about whether I should get married to my ex-boyfriend and then the next you are claiming I’m in love with a man I’ve only known for a week!” There was an eruption of laughter and they began to sling bits of food at each other across the table.
“Ha ha. Exasperating aren’t we? Aren’t you so glad you have us!?” Libby asked Ella, as she flung a spoonful of peas at her.
“Yes actually! I’m so lucky!” she cried as she flicked a roast potato back at Libby.
“Let’s get this cleaned up and bring out pudding before we end up getting chicken on the ceiling!” Lara said quickly, keen to avoid a full-blown food fight which would ruin her white jumper.