The Blueprint

by Jeannette Barron

  Kim hesitated and then confessed, “He already knows.”

  “What do you mean? What did you tell him?” Lily was up and alert.

  “I didn’t mean to tell him anything. It just happened.” All week she’d felt guilty, realizing what she’d done, but was glad it was finally out in the open. She hated secrets. Kim was out of her chair pacing and waving her arms as she explained, “You were hiding out in the library and we were talking over lunch. He asked about me, my parents, and my childhood. It was hard for me to talk about myself without giving up information about you. Before I knew it, I’d said too much. He’s got a way of getting a person talking.” Slumping back into her chair miserable, she added, “I’m really sorry, Lily.”

  A thick silence settled between them. She'd shattered a cardinal rule of their friendship. Lily’s past was hers to bury. Even if Kim didn’t care who knew where she’d come from, her roommate did. She didn’t know what to expect next. Arguments between them were rare and never over something so personal or taboo. Disagreeing over whose night it was to do dishes was usually as bad as it got. She knew she couldn't explain away the confidence she'd broken. And clearly, Lily wasn’t a big proponent for the forgive and forget notion. Shit. I'm in big trouble.

  Lily stood and shrugged. “Maybe you did me a favor.”

  “If it helps,” Kim added cautiously not able to fully grasp the implications of her friend's unexpected response, “I don’t think it mattered to him.”

  “Not yet, anyway,” Lily called before shutting her bedroom door.

  Although Lily swore again and again that she wasn’t angry with Kim, her roommate insisted on cooking all the meals that weekend and cleaning the whole house in retribution. Lily meant it when she said that maybe Kim had done her a favor by telling Jimmy. If his actions from the other night were any indication, he obviously wasn’t going to give up without a fight. Maybe the more he knew about her, the shorter the duration of the match. Or maybe he’d review the information he’d collected and throw in the towel himself. She learned the hard way that Jimmy didn’t play fair, so she gave up trying to predict his next move. Instead, she spent the remainder of the weekend dreading the embarrassment of seeing her boss again.

  Monday morning arrived all too soon. Lily wouldn’t have Kim around anymore to help her through the day. The fall semester was beginning and Kim had accepted a graduate assistantship in the Social Work department. Lily would face her boss alone with the crystallized image of his bare backside burned in her memory. Arriving an hour before Simon, she figured the best thing to do was to get herself so involved with work she’d forget to worry. While busy decoding call numbers, the much anticipated moment of truth arrived as Simon perched himself on the corner of her desk.

  “Did you see it?” he asked, nearly bursting with excitement.

  Lily shuddered and pushed herself away from the desk. Shuffling about, grabbing items that needed re-shelving, she mumbled, “What?”

  “Did you see what I gave Judith Friday night?”

  Her arms were full and her escape was mapped. “Uhhh… What?”

  “The ring. I asked Judith to marry me, but I didn’t know I was going to so I didn’t have a ring. She said yes. And we wrapped a straw from the restaurant around her finger.”

  Relieved, she aborted her plan and made eye contact with her boss, noting the clown sized grin plastered across his face.

  “She said my proposal was the most romantic thing she’d ever heard. I have to admit I don’t remember much of what I said. Something about how I won’t get lost jogging as often if I’m running home to her and that I’ll be a great father to her bird. Not bad, right?”

  He dismounted from the desk, fidgety and excited, shoving his fingers through his thinning hair. “I’m not sure what came over me. We were just sitting at dinner, and she was talking about some dead thing she’d dug up in Peru. I got distracted and started thinking about how happy she makes me and how much I love being around her. And maybe, I don’t have to be alone anymore. Maybe she’s the one! I started feeling nervous that if I didn’t tell her quick, I’d lose my chance. I’d lose her. Next thing I knew, I was down on one knee. Lily, I’ve never done a spontaneous thing in my life before that night. But I guess she brings that out in me.” He assumed a dreamy gaze, and Lily cringed to think they were remembering the same moment of spontaneity in his office.

  With a mental shake, he continued, “I’m so happy I can hardly think straight. We’re going out shopping tonight for a real ring. Hold my calls for a while. I’m going to phone some jewelers around town.” Simon danced off to his office singing in his best falsetto, “Guess who’s getting married?”

  Simon’s excitement was contagious, and they both drifted through the morning riding his personal high. Lily was happy for him. He’d been a bachelor a long time, and in her opinion, desperately needed someone to help take care of him---other than her. Although she hadn’t officially met Judith, she decided that anyone who could see how special her boss was had to be pretty special herself. Distracted with images of nuptial possibilities, Lily lost track of time and was startled when Jimmy appeared at her desk with his lunch cooler in hand.

  Grinning, he said, “Darlin’, it’s time for our lunch date.”

  “I don’t remember us having a lunch date.” The steadiness of her voice did not reflect the chaos of her pulse.

  “Well, that’s why I’m here, to remind you. Grab your stuff. Kim and Ed are waiting for us, and if we don’t get back fast she might beat that kid to a pulp for saying something stupid. When I left, he’d just made some comparison between her and his pet ferret.”

  Thrilled at the invitation, Lily checked her enthusiasm before saying, “My lunch is in Simon’s office. I’ll go grab it.”

  “Is he around? I’d like to see what he looks like with his pants on.”

  “Shhh.” Lily looked around to see who’d heard. “He’s already left. Now, be good until I get back.”

  “Yes, ma’am. I’ll be good as long as you promise to come back. Because, I will come get you if I have to,” Jimmy teased.

  She ignored his threat. She didn’t need reminding of his tenacity.

  The funny feeling in her stomach was a small price to pay for getting her favorite time of day back. Other than some lingering looks, Jimmy didn’t act any different with her at lunch. And Kim was so busy keeping Ed in line that she didn’t seem any different, either. Reassured that she wouldn’t have to deal with dating drama, Lily let herself relax and enjoy the entertainment.

  Jimmy waited until he retrieved her for lunch on Wednesday to ask for another date. And this time Lily was prepared.

  “Sure, Kim and I aren’t doing anything Saturday night. A movie sounds good.” She hadn’t cleared things with Kim, but her roommate owed her many times over and this was the payment.

  Jimmy stammered, “Uh...okay. I’ll pick you two... up at eight.”

  She could hardly believe her counter-offensive worked. Jimmy agreed to a group date. She would enjoy his company free from the pressures of a "real" date. When they met up with the others, Lily announced their plans to Kim, who instantly looked suspicious, but wisely decided to discuss the matter later---in private.

  Ed complained, “What about me? I want to go too. I’m not doing anything Saturday.”

  Perfect. “Sure, Ed, you can go." Lily asked, "What would you like to see?”

  As Ed began a lengthy recitation on the merit of Steven Spielberg movies, Lily did her best to ignore the ferocious glare Kim was shooting her way. Jimmy, now recognizing the game, mouthed those familiar words, it’s not gonna work, over Ed’s monologue.

  Lily feigned complete ignorance of Jimmy’s implication. But her gut knew this was only a temporary victory. She’d said yes to the date because she did want to spend more time with him, because if she wasn’t with him, then she was thinking about him. And when she thought about him her imagination traveled pleasant but inevitably complicated paths. Her plan: keep Ki
m close by and then she couldn’t turn her fantasies into reality. Little brother’s company would just help assure that Jimmy behaved himself too.

  Jimmy thought he understood Lily’s reluctance to be alone with him. Kim mentioned how they’d grown up in a children’s home together, and that Lily never got over not only her father leaving her, but also her older sister. Kim explained that she believed her roommate had a broken heart and that Lily had lost all hope of it ever being fixed. And she warned that she wouldn't let anyone get close enough to find out.

  Growing up, Jimmy’s parents had an open door policy. Stray friends, relatives, and animals always found a safe, welcoming home with them as long as needed. His parents believed that hard work and a little love could fix anyone or anything. So they gave the beaten down souls that stumbled onto their property a home and put them to work in the family construction business. In their house, mistakes were forgiven. Everyone was encouraged to look ahead, to use what they learned from the past and forget the rest. His parents preached that the past was just the basement, not the whole house. Countless times he heard his mom advise people who were having difficulty getting over someone or something with one of her favorite sayings: “Leave it in the basement and come upstairs.”

  Of course, not everyone could be persuaded to see things their way, nor was every problem fixable. Once, his parents had taken in a second cousin, Jack, who’d lost everything because he drank too much. His wife took the kids and left, and he’d been caught at work drunk too many times and was fired. When he showed up at the house, he had nothing left but the clothes on his back and a mostly empty whiskey bottle. Jimmy’s mother, Grace, nursed and counseled him, even took him to meetings. His father, Charlie, gave him work. But after six months, they could still smell alcohol on his breath at breakfast.

  Grace asked him straight out, “Do you want to get better? Do you want to fix your drinking problem?”

  Jack answered flatly, “I’m a drunk. Drinking is what I do. So no, I don’t want to fix it.”

  He was sent packing that night. For months, Grace lamented that she’d failed Jack, but Charlie kept telling her, “Grace, not everybody wants to be fixed. If a person can’t see past the mess, then the mess is home.”

  Jimmy, like his mother, couldn’t forget Jack. The idea of a person choosing misery boggled his mind. But the memory of Jack also helped motivate him. After his last breakup a year ago and the disappointment of returning from New York City alone, he became even more determined to move forward with his life---and see past the mess. And every time he thought about Lily, he was optimistic about the future.

  He’d discovered two Lilys Friday night; the Lily who kept herself at a safe distance from him and everyone else, and the Lily who smiled and laughed with him, who'd kissed him with desperate passion. As long as he could get tastes of the real woman now and again, he’d let her believe she was protecting herself by bringing Kim and Ed along on their dates.

  He'd fix it.

  By the fifth group date, Kim had had enough. The first date was bearable, because Ed was such a movie nut that he left her alone, until afterwards when he recited nearly the whole movie back to her. "E.T. phone home," was a quote she feared one day would send her into such a rage that she'd strangle every short, bald, shirtless creature she saw. On the second date, Jimmy brought over his parents’ VCR, a movie, and pizza. She watched Lily and Jimmy snuggling together on the couch and tried convincing herself that that was a good thing. And once the movie ended, she faked a headache and hid in her room before Ed could recap every one-liner from Airplane!, too. Dates three and four included dinner out at local taverns where little brother could tag along and everyone else could drink. The happy couple, oblivious to everyone but each other, flirted while Kim drank herself silly and dodged Ed’s advances.

  “Lily, that’s the last time I chaperone for you. From now on, you’re on your own.”

  “I thought you had fun today.”

  “If you call keeping Ed from pawing at me all day fun, then yeah, I had a great time.” Kim dumped her purse on the kitchen table and grabbed a root beer from the refrigerator. Wishing it was spiked, she took a long swig. She was exhausted from a long day at the county fair and her last day on the job as Lily’s sidekick.

  She flopped into Fido and complained, “That kid must be as dumb as a box of rocks. No matter how many times I make it clear that I’m not interested, he keeps at it. I’m not so sure you could call what he does flirting. But he never stops talking. And every word out of his mouth is either insulting or just plain stupid. You know what he said today?” Kim stopped and waited for Lily’s full attention. “He said I smelled like his Grandma. That’s his idea of a compliment!”

  Kim laughed. “All right. We’ll have Jimmy leave Ed at home. Just the three of us can hang out.”

  Kim wasn’t going to agree to go on any more of Lily’s dates with or without little brother. This last month had been torture for her, not only putting up with Ed, but also seeing Lily and Jimmy together. This chaperone business, she decided, was not good for her fragile psyche. “No way. I won’t be a third wheel either. I’ll still meet you for lunch. Ed’s not as bad when he’s distracted by food, but I’m done tagging along on weekends.”

  Lily begged, “Please, Kim. It won’t be as fun without you.”

  “Too bad. I need to get a life of my own.”

  “Pretty please?”

  Kim had wanted no part of this since the beginning, but Lily ignored her roommate’s protests and dragged her along anyway. Maybe, Lily didn’t realize how hard it was for Kim to see them together. Maybe, Lily didn’t realize that she was happy with Jimmy. Maybe, she didn’t realize that having her roommate around was just getting in the way. Kim was sure of two things: she was done babysitting, and this playful “pretty please” crap was tearing at her already frayed nerves. So she decided to hit her with the truth and let Lily work it out on her own.

  Popping out of her chair, Kim paced. “Look, I can’t watch you and Jimmy play kissy face anymore. He’s definitely into you and that’s great. I just don’t want to see it.”

  Lily stiffened and asked the volatile question lingering between them. “You like him?”

  Arms flying, Kim answered, “Of course, I like him. What’s not to like? He’s good-looking, smart, funny, sane. Yes, I would change places with you in a heartbeat.” Kim stopped pacing and looked hard at Lily. “He doesn’t want me. He wants you. And whether you like it or not, you want him, too. So don’t be such a chicken and stop fighting it.”

  Kim knew from experience that grand displays of emotion were not effective ways of communicating with Lily. She needed to settle down so Lily would hear the message. She sat on the arm of the couch, clasped her hands in her lap, and listed the facts. “He’s made no promises and neither have you, so there’s none to break. So far, he’s let you set the pace. He knows your deepest, darkest secret and is still hanging around. Being with him does not compromise your job or the life you’re building for yourself. You’re a grown-up, not a little girl. You have a say in what happens to you now. He knows that. You’re the only one who doesn’t.”

  “Look,” Kim continued, “I don’t think Jimmy’s in this to hurt you. We’ve been hanging out with him for months now. If he was a big ass, we’d know it. Maybe… give it a try. You can always end it.”

  “And what about you?”

  “Jimmy isn’t the only cowboy in the world, but if I spend all my time with you, I’ll never find mine. And with limited PDA, I can stomach joining you guys for lunch. Besides, that library project should be wrapping up. We could get our girl time back. ”

  “I’d like that.”

  “Me, too.”

  Lily's eyes were wet with unshed tears. “You really think I’m a chicken?”

  “Yup,” answered Kim with a half-smile. “You’re a young, beautiful, intelligent chicken. Who, if you’re not careful, will end up an old, crotchety, librarian hen.” Hoping to exit this conversa
tion for both of their sakes, Kim got up, threw a pillow in Lily’s direction, and asked, “What’s for dinner?”

  9

  Lily laid awake in bed struggling with what it would mean to try at a real relationship with Jimmy: to try and transcend over a decade of heartache, to try and relinquish control over her muted emotions, to try and amend her tainted view of love. Did trying also mean hoping? She gave up on hope the day her sister went missing from the home. Hope hadn’t brought her mother back from the hospital. Hope hadn't paid the bills so they wouldn’t lose their house. Hope hadn't kept the two people she loved most in her life from leaving her.

  She wasn't always a pessimist. Before the home, even while living in the station wagon, she made the most of the little she had. After all, kids only know what they know; so back then, she believed her life was normal. Moody mother, fighting parents, bossy sister, alcoholism, bankruptcy, church handouts, all registered as part of a typical family experience for Lily. What a person never had, they couldn't miss. But then, her father and sister were gone and she missed them desperately. At the vulnerable age of eleven, her last reason to believe in promises disappeared, leaving her hollow.

  She had always been smart and resourceful, so functioning at school, with friends, and at the home continued even with the emptiness. The void left by her father and sister’s absence felt solid, heavy, and unrelenting. Alone at night, missing the comfort of Dani, she dreamt of rats eating away at her stomach from the inside out, taking thousands of tiny bites a day until she finally vanished, too. Was it a nightmare or a wish?

  Time passed as it insists on doing even when the clocks weren't wound, and a new normal emerged. The gnawing sensation stopped and the pain leveled off, but the weight remained constant, guarding a cherished space. She chose to protect that space, to learn from it, and use it. After all, it grew in her for a reason and she decided its purpose was to remind her of her family or maybe the loss of them.