Over the past year, she'd memorized Jimmy's face and body from a distance, engaging her vivid imagination for whatever parts she hadn't truly seen. She knew his baiting blue eyes, that teased like sunny skies in the rain, his tall muscled frame which failed to intimidate, because his mischievous smile drew people in, and his hands scarred and calloused, chronicling his strong work ethic and unwavering determination to get the job done. She predicted that curling up to Jimmy would be the same as losing herself in an electric blanket set on high, a heat that would engulf her. She'd guessed correctly.
They stood panting together, both overwhelmed with the passion they'd shared, neither knowing nor caring how much time they'd lost in each other's arms. Kim thoughts cleared first and her heart ached with the questions forming in her mind. Breathless, she scolded, "Damn it, Jimmy, why did you have to pick me last?"
"I screwed up, Kim. I'm sorry." He hoped that was answer enough. He was still having trouble catching his breath and didn't want to let go of her. "There is definitely something going on between us. I don't want to ignore it anymore."
Her voice cracked. "Why did you pick me last?" She stepped away from him and slumped onto the bed. The pathetic part of her wanted to let this slight against her pride go, but she'd always been placed at the back of the line and she'd never had the courage to ask the offender why. She needed her questions answered and her insecurities attended to this time, because this felt different, this felt possible.
Jimmy went to the window looking for inspiration and found none. He didn't see himself charming his way out of this situation. Kim knew him too well. "You're not gonna like what I have to say."
"It's probably nothing I don't already know," Kim grumbled, preparing herself for remarks comparing her tiny frame to Lily's curvaceous one, or her big mouth to her roommate's timidity.
"I've been thinkin' on this same question a lot lately." Jimmy paused to find the right words to prevent another yelling match with Kim, while still speaking the truth. "You're both beautiful in your own ways. But I think with Lily, she's more like the classic damsel in distress, and I'm no different than any other guy that wants to play the hero. I picked her for the fairy tale." Kim rolled her eyes. "No it's true," he defended. "Guys buy into that shit just as much as girls. We want the pretty girl who needs rescuing just as much as girls want to be rescued."
"I don't want to be rescued."
"And that's why I didn't pick you first."
She exhaled with a blast, sat up straighter, and looked at him hard. "I'm not real sure what I'm supposed to do with that. But I am sure that this is not an appropriate conversation to have in your niece's bedroom." She stood and walked toward the door, wanting distance to help clear her mind.
"Let me finish." She stopped and turned to him; her eyes sad, defeated. He knew he needed to fix this before they could move forward together. This was a sore spot for her and he could only have her if he found the right medicine. "You don't need me. I always thought the best girl for me would be someone who needs me. And you don't." Kim's expression didn't change. Jimmy pulled at his hair in frustration. "You are whole and happy and that's intimidating. If you've got it all, why would you want a country boy with permanent grime under his nails and a pickup truck that makes more noise than a rock concert?" He sighed. "What I've slowly come to realize is that I want to be with someone who doesn't need fixing or persuading to see the world like I do. I want her to be complete before I'm with her like...." He searched his mind for the right analogy as he paced the room. His face lit up when it came to him. He continued proudly, "Like a wrench set with both standard and metric sizes."
Kim's shook her head, baffled. "Fairy tales and wrenches. The Kool-aid must be spiked. When you sober up, call me."
Jimmy's temper flared. He grabbed Kim by the shoulders and demanded, "Damn it, Kim. I want you. You and your sassy mouth, your big heart, your easy laugh, your love for my family. I want you. I'm sorry I picked you last. I knew a couple of months ago that I screwed up and I did nothin' about it. I didn't know how to get myself out of a relationship with one roommate so I could jump into one with the other roommate. I didn't want to be that guy. But I am that guy." He let go of her and turned away. Breathing deeply, calming himself, he added just above a whisper, "When I look around my house, it's you I see myself sharing it with. It took me a while to figure that out, but I did. You are what's missing, a beautiful spitfire who will love me and my family. You're the whole package, Kim. I want you."
She smiled and tears surfaced. How long had she waited to hear those words? He couldn't see her reaction to his tirade, to his declaration, because he stood deflated and sulking with his back to her. She rubbed her hands across his wide shoulders and matched his soft tone, "I think your wrench analogy could use some work. But...I get it. I'll be the last." He turned to her and crushed her in a hug. She couldn't help but take one last jab. "About time you figured it out."
He growled into her hair and she laughed.
She quickly sobered. "Wait. What about Lily? You don't want to be that guy, and I don't want to be that friend."
"The night we broke up, she gave her blessing for you and me. Apparently, she's suspected there was somethin' between us...or at least there should be."
"She may have said it, but that doesn't mean that she meant it." Kim stepped out of his arms; her brows creased in worry. "I've been watching her, and she's definitely not one hundred percent recovered."
"What do you mean?" Jimmy asked.
"She looks tired and her fingers are mangled from her biting and picking at them. I don't think the break-up was as easy for her as she wants us to believe."
"But she said..."
Kim interrupted, "She could have lied in order to let you off the hook."
"You weren't there," Jimmy argued. "Her voice was steady. Her mind was made up. And I've thought it through. She told me on our first date that it wouldn't work. She expected the break-up. And besides, you know as well as I do that she's not a liar."
"I know. I know, but something's going on." She hesitated, frowning. "I think...I think we should put us on hold. It might be too soon. I'll talk to her and try to get a feel for what's going on."
Jimmy took her small hands in his and waited for her to look at him. "How long?"
She shrugged, "Maybe a couple more weeks." Then with a teasing grin she added, "And that should give you more than enough time to come up with a better analogy than wrenches."
He laughed and picked her up, holding her to him so they were face to face. "Fine. We'll put us on the shelf for another couple of weeks. But we have today, and we were friends first." He kissed her button nose. "Let's go enjoy the party."
Lily stayed curled up on the couch staring into space for most of the afternoon, unable to concentrate on a book, the television, or anything else. And that's how Kim found her when she returned home from the party, her roommate sitting scrunched up with knees to her chest, all alone in the dark with eyes glazed over. If she hadn't seen Lily blink as she approached, Kim would have rushed over and checked her for a pulse.
Kim had rehearsed in her mind a hundred different ways to extract the necessary information from her roommate on the drive back to their house. But she was struggling with what she wanted to know and what she would do if she didn't like the answers. Did she want to know if Lily loved Jimmy? What if the answer was yes? Could she choose Jimmy over Lily? Jimmy wanted her, but Kim firmly believed that Lily needed her. About halfway home, she'd decided that not knowing wasn't better than knowing, and she'd planned to have that awkward conversation as soon as possible. The consequences for following her heart would have to be considered later. Now that she was certain that Jimmy was into her, the clock didn't seem to matter as much, but then again she'd just left him twenty minutes ago. After walking in and seeing her roommate dazed and ill, she chose to wait and ferret out the truth another time.
"Hey, Lily. You in there?" Kim asked waving a hand in from of her roommate's face
. "You don't look so good. Is your stomach still bothering you? Can I get you something? I think we still have some Pepto in the medicine cabinet." She stood. "I'll go get it for you."
"It won't help." Lily's voice sounded hoarse and hollow.
"Okay." Kim headed in the direction of the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. "We have some applesauce that should be easy on your stomach." She waited for a response and got none. She closed the refrigerator and stepped toward the pantry. "How about crackers? You should eat something. I've noticed you haven't been eating. Maybe putting something in your stomach would help."
"I don't think food is the answer."
"Then I'll run to the drugstore and get you something." Kim returned to the living room and perched on the arm of the couch next to Lily. "Tell me your symptoms."
Lily moved for the first time, slowly turning her head in her roommate's direction. "I'm pregnant."
17
Lily stood outside the diner in the shade of an old maple tree, wishing away the nausea swelling inside of her. She'd left Jimmy a message to meet her for coffee after work, but before she dared confronting the potent aromas awaiting her in the restaurant, she needed to let her stomach settle. The looming conversation would be tough enough without the added humiliation of retching in front of him. Leaning against the tree, she assumed the pose of a casual pedestrian while she considered which was worse, her sensitivity to odors or the heat. A couple of weeks ago, she began noticing a nearly crippling intolerance for the warmer weather. Driving home in her sunbaked car without air conditioning had become an exercise in keeping her lunch down until she reached the privacy of her bathroom. By the third time in a week of being forced to pull over to empty her stomach on the curb, she decided to visit the doctor.
Dr. Jackson was a no-nonsense physician. He'd seen and heard everything in his forty years working at the campus clinic and was infamous for prescribing chicken soup and sleep for anything from a rash to an infection. Lily knew this about him, and although her instincts told her otherwise, she kept her fingers crossed that Dr. Jackson's remedy of choice was all that was required to cure her symptoms.
He didn't look at her when he entered the tiny office where Lily waited, perched on the end of the table, tearing at the protective paper. In his mind every patient was alike, young and stupid. He didn't need to make eye contact to know that. If he had looked at Lily, perhaps he would have recognized the fear in her pale face and used a gentler bedside manner, like the whipper-snappers he mentored spouted off about. His long fingers, twisted by age, poked and prodded at her for ten minutes while he asked questions covering everything from her eating habits to the color of her snot. The last question of his interrogation concerning her menstrual cycle resulted in the shoving of a cup in her hand and an order for her to "go make water." She returned to an empty room to stew. Dr. Jackson followed her five minutes later, declaring, "You're with child. Get yourself an obstetrician and a husband. You can let yourself out." Two days later, the obstetrician confirmed Dr. Jackson's diagnosis. Lily was ten weeks pregnant.
Jimmy waved and flashed an anxious smile as he crossed the street from his job site to join Lily under the tree. "Hey, there," he called. "Sorry, I didn't get cleaned up for you. I forgot to bring another shirt with me. Let's go in. It's hotter than hell out here."
A welcome blast of cold air greeted them both as Jimmy held the door for Lily. She covered her mouth and nose with a tissue as she marched toward a corner booth farthest from the few customers sitting at the counter. She kept her face covered while Jimmy ordered two coffees.
"You okay?" Jimmy asked. "Do you have a cold or somethin'?"
Lily withdrew her hand and took a deep breath, anticipating the rush of heat that signaled the necessity for a quick evacuation. It didn't happen. She relaxed. "No. I don't have a cold. My stomach's been pretty sensitive lately. I never know what'll set it off."
"Kim had mentioned you hadn't been feelin' well."
Lily hesitated, fighting the urge to say, "Oh, it's nothing," and keep her secret a day longer. Instead, she added cream and sugar to her recently delivered coffee and gave herself another moment to rouse her courage. The weight of what she needed to tell Jimmy hadn't lightened after confiding in her roommate. In contradiction to all previous exchanges, Kim had failed to provide loads of advice on what to say or predictions on Jimmy's reaction to the news.
After unloading her burden, her friend merely sat next to her on the couch and held her hand in silence.
Lily let out a long sigh which caught Jimmy's attention. "I'm..."
He interrupted in a rush. "Look, if this is about me and Kim. I swear nothin' ever happened between her and me while we were together. And nothin' is happenin' now. It's really important to me and her that you're okay with us. You're Kim's best friend. I don't want you to hate either one of us. We've talked about it. We can wait as long as it takes." He fiddled with his mug and avoided her eyes. "But... you did say it would be okay with you, if Kim and I..." He couldn't finish.
Lily stroked her cup with her thumbs as she studied the murky depth of her drink. Digesting Jimmy's confession provided a clearer understanding of her roommate's despondency since she'd told her about the baby. What a mess! "Jimmy, this isn't about you and Kim. This is about you and me."
"I don't understand."
"I'm pregnant. You're the father." Lily watched as Jimmy's tan drained from his face and neck, like a tap had been inserted in his backside and his healthy glow supplied the days drink special. His mouth opened and shut, but no words escaped. She continued, "It's been confirmed by an O.B.," and stopped, allowing his mind the chance to catch up.
"But..." he stuttered.
"I was on the pill. I took antibiotics for a while for a sinus infection, and antibiotics can sometimes interfere with the effectiveness of birth control pills. The doctor thinks that's probably what happened. I'm about ten weeks along." In the back of her mind, it registered that the heat of the mug she gripped was scalding her hands. She let go and clasped her fingers in her lap. Struggling to keep her composure, she said, "I've missed periods before and it was nothing. My cycle has never been regular. That's why I let it go for so long." She fought back the tears that she'd thought had been exhausted days ago and whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
The news was absorbed like the drip of an IV. Drip. Lily's pregnant. Drip. I'm going to be a father. Drip. Kim? This wasn't how or with whom he'd planned starting his family, but it made the reality no less sweet. Drip. My baby. That truth echoed over and over again, uniting his swirling thoughts. When his attention returned to his companion, he was confused to find Lily's cheeks wet with tears. Across the table, he reached for her hand. "Why are you crying?"
She removed her hand from his and grabbed some napkins from the dispenser on the table, wiping her eyes, blowing her nose. With a shaky voice, she answered, "I'm sorry. This is my fault. I never meant for this to happen, and I can't think how to make it right."
Fear or maybe anger stiffened his spine. The excitement he'd felt just a moment ago vanished. He pressed himself against the backrest of the bench and splayed both hands flat on the table. "What do you mean make it right? Tell me you aren't considering abortion."
Lily was taken aback by Jimmy's harsh tone. His eyes flashed an icy blue as he spoke. An image of his mother's cold greeting at the picnic came to mind. Kim had referred to Grace as a rabid dog protecting her pups. She realized Jimmy was no different; he also wanted to protect what was his. "I can't... I mean I won't have an abortion." His glare softened. "But..." she muttered.
"But what?" He hadn't put aside his growl.
"I'm far from mother material." All of her fears circulating, intensifying with each admission, rushed out. "Jimmy, I have no business having a baby. I don't know anything about babies. Your niece is the closest I've come to being near a baby, and she wanted nothing to do with me. I don't think I'm a kid person. And we can't forget that growing up, I had a horrible role model. I'm
not a hundred percent convinced that whatever it was that made my mother crazy, I haven't inherited myself. I couldn't do that to this baby. I'd wish that life on no one." She stroked her stomach. "I think most women are just born with that thing that makes them want to love and nurture children. Like I told you before, I'm different." She looked away as the shame and truth of her words choked her. Her tone changed from panicked to reconciled. "I want to do right by this baby, and I don't think I'm what's right."
He watched her slump lower in her seat, noticed the sores on her cuticles, and considered her assertions. What happened to the confident woman who broke up with him, assuring him that she could take care of herself? She needed to be reminded of how strong she was and that she was no longer alone. He asked, "Lily, how do you know you'll be a bad mom? How could you possibly know?"
"I just know."
He smiled at her stubbornness. "Let's consider what we know for sure, okay?" He rested his elbows on the table and leaned toward her. "I want this baby." He waited for her to look at him and he repeated himself, emphasizing each word, "I...want...this...baby. I promise you that from this moment forward you will not be alone in this. That's my baby too and I won't abandon what's mine. I agree our situation is complicated, but that doesn't make it impossible. That bun is gonna be in that oven for quite some time. Let's just take it day to day, all right?"
"But Jimmy..."
He reached for her hand again. "Let's not borrow trouble. We'll take it as it comes and do what feels right."
"And Kim?" She tried to pull her hand away but he wouldn't let go.
"Does she know? I haven't talked to her in a couple of days."
The Blueprint Page 21