"Yes. She knows."
He wiped the sweat from his upper lip with his free hand and exhaled. "Well... it looks like I'll be havin' two interesting conversations; don't it?"
"I want you both to be happy. I wish there was a way that this...wouldn't have to change things between you two."
"You and the baby come first now. I'm sure Kim will agree." Jimmy smiled and Lily almost believed him.
Jimmy's face hurt from grinning the whole drive home. He was raised to believe every new life was a gift and he couldn't be more thrilled to learn it was his turn to receive one. Despite the complications of the situation, he refused to see this pregnancy as anything other than a blessing. In the world of carpentry, unplanned obstacles occurred all the time. It was part of the job to expect the unexpected: an old house had shifted so the doors and window frames were no longer square and would need to be rebuilt, electrical codes changed, requiring updating in order to pass inspection, walls were removed revealing mold or termites. He could fix this like he fixed stuff at work. There had to be a solution to having a child with his ex-girlfriend while being in love with her best friend and roommate. He would follow his own advice and take it one day at a time and one woman at a time. What would he say to Kim? What did she need to hear? His mother would have to wait.
Lily was relieved to find her roommate curled up in her fuzzy green chair watching television when she returned from meeting with Jimmy. She missed the old Kim who would have eagerly greeted her, drilling her for information the minute she crossed the threshold. This Kim, her roommate of the last couple of days, had lost her fervor and Lily felt responsible. This crisis, as she saw it, was by far the biggest test of their friendship, fighting over whose night it was to do dishes was a forgotten blemish compared to the scarring this scenario would inflict. The last thing Lily wanted was to hurt Kim. I can't think how to make it right.
She walked over and sat on the cowboy couch crossing her legs Indian style, creating the third point in a triangle with Kim and the TV. She waited for Kim to acknowledge her, but she didn't. Lily took a deep breath and dove in. "I just got back from telling Jimmy."
"Good," Kim replied dully, faking her indifference.
Lily expected more of a response and then reminded herself that the new Kim had little to say. "He was surprised, of course, but also excited. He said he wants the baby."
"I knew he would." Kim pretended to be more interested in an episode of Three's Company than her roommate. She fought the urge to ask for every detail, knowing every detail would cut her deeper and deeper.
Lily realized in the thick silence between them that she needed to give Kim what she wanted, what she needed---reassurance. "First, Jimmy told me about you and him getting together." That information drew her roommate's attention. "He wanted to let me know that you two never went behind my back while we were dating, but he also reminded me that after the breakup I gave my full" Lily made sure her face and tone reflected the sincerity of her words, "and wholehearted permission."
Kim sniffed and wiped away a single tear. "The baby changes everything, Lily. I know that."
"Why?"
Kim snapped, "Because Jimmy is bound to you now. Family is everything to him. I'll just be in the way."
Lily braced herself against the anger in Kim's voice, knowing it was a response to the frustration of having everything she wanted taken from her by her best friend. Only two people had ever broken through Lily's defenses and now it was time to tell one of them how she felt about her with the hope it would matter and help. "I love you, Kim. And I don't think I can do this without you. You won't be in the way, because I need you to show me the way. I'd give this baby to you in a second if I could." Her breath caught and tears wet her cheeks. "This baby by all rights should be yours. I know that and although you'd never say it, you know it too."
Kim shook her head no and dried her eyes.
"Yes," Lily argued. "The last thing I meant to do was hurt you or tie myself in any way permanently to the man you love. I kept him from you for too long as it is. Please, help me and I promise I'll try and make things right for you and Jimmy. I promise." Lily ended her plea sobbing, burying her face in her hands.
Kim crossed the distance between them and held her in her arms like a mother with her heartsick child. Not since that first night at the home, when she'd heard Lily's muffled cry from across the room, had she'd seen her roommate of then and now so vulnerable. She could feel Lily trembling under her embrace, fissures in an old dam opening.
When Kim learned about the baby, she imagined herself running away, leaving both Lily and Jimmy behind, but not because she wanted them to find happiness together. Oh, no. She wasn't that selfless. Besides, she knew that would never happen (or at least wished it). One of the two of them would have to change too much for them to play husband and wife, and he or she would always resent it. She wanted to leave because she didn't want to be reminded of what she couldn't have, what would be flaunted in front of her face---again.
Kim watched the beautiful woman resting her head of thick dark waves across her lap, surprised that Lily was letting herself be held, surprised that Lily's defenses had finally failed her so completely that she needed someone and was forced to admit it. She stroked her back as her roommate attempted to steady her breath and fears. Lily's supermodel looks and enticing vulnerability were as much a blessing as a curse. Although, she tried to mask them both, they were as conspicuous as a billboard. Kim knew she wasn't immune to this woman's appeal either. The instant Lily had admitted that she loved her, Kim's fate had been set. Their friendship could and would endure this, too. "I'm not sure what makes you think I know anything about babies," she teased, attempting to lighten the mood and closet her own pain. "But...if you need me, I'm here."
With their allegiance sealed, Lily began sobbing anew. Kim rolled her eyes. "Stop. Please, stop. You've got at least another seven months to have your hormonal fits. Let's try and spread them out some, okay?" She gave her friend a reassuring smile and helped her sit up.
Lily practiced taking deep breaths, but for a while longer was still plagued by the leftover hiccups of crying. She sputtered, "Jimmy said...he wants to talk...to you."
Kim smirked, "Oh, I bet he does. I'd guess he's asking for divine inspiration either from Mr. Budweiser or Mr. Miller right now. And since neither one of them are going to be much help except in making him real mellow, I think I'll wait until their conversation is over."
"He must be very worried...about how you're taking...the news."
"He should be worried. I'm worried. You're worried. He doesn't get a free pass from this mess when he makes up a third of it." She patted Lily on the knee and stood. "You know what? I think I might need to have a little conversation with Mr. Boone myself. I'm gonna run to the liquor store. Would you like me to bring you a non-alcoholic beverage? Because, honey, your drinking days are over until," she started counting her fingers "the end of January, right?"
Lily nodded, "Right."
"Sugar can be your drug of choice for a while. I'll pick up some ice cream, too. We can get fat together."
Lily moaned and Kim chuckled as the outside door shut between them.
18
Kim skipped the liquor store and headed straight for the closest soft-serve "pharmacy." Ice cream was world-renowned for its exceptional healing powers; so would testify any woman who'd ever experienced a broken heart. After ordering at the drive-through, she returned home to a weepy Lily. They snuggled together with their banana split flavored medicine in Fido, the benevolent green chair, and watched late night television until they agreed to surrender to the solace of their beds.
Lily had been operating in a constant state of exhaustion for weeks and fell asleep immediately. Kim, alone with her worries, tossed and turned for hours. Ultimately, she gave up on sleep, and ignoring the clock, crept her way to her car. The isolation of town in those pre-dawn hours fueled her fears of abandonment as she sped through blinking red lights in the d
irection of Jimmy's house. She parked in his driveway and killed the engine, catching her breath, calming her nerves. It occurred to her as she stared at the solid wood front door cast in yellow light, swarming with June bugs, that she'd only ever seen the outside. She'd been to his property twice, uninvited both times. The first time was right after she came up with the idea for Jimmy's Christmas present. She'd dragged her friend, Mike, to the house with his fancy camera when she knew Jimmy was away and took pictures of his dream under construction. And the second time, right after she'd heard that the outside shell was finished, she returned with her friend. The idea of layering the images of before and after was her idea, but Mike's handiwork in the darkroom exceeded her expectations. She'd been too nervous to give Jimmy the present herself, concerned it would reveal the extent of her feelings for him. Lily had reported that he liked it and that it sat atop his mantel. As she marched toward the front door, she resolved to see it just once: the picture, the inside of his house, the life that was almost hers.
Jimmy opened one leaden eyelid and then the other, attempting to differentiate between the pounding in his head and the other pounding happening somewhere beyond his cranium.
"James Christopher Rogers, open this door right now! I know you're in there!"
Shrouded in darkness and the dense fog of inebriation, Jimmy struggled to understand why his mother was shouting for him in the middle of the night. He turned toward the clock and released a stream of silent expletives as his brain gonged inside his skull with the effort it took to move. 3:24. What had he done that was so terrible that his mother drove all the way out to his house at three in the morning just to tear into him? Then he remembered. His entire body groaned in time with the angry symphony in his head. Heaving himself to his feet, he shuffled his way to the front door to meet his maker. With his neck slumped between his shoulders, eyes focused on the oscillating floor, he swung the door open in between cymbal crashes, and grumbled, "Please, mom, can we have this talk tomorrow?"
"Mom? I'm not your mother and no, this conversation can't wait until tomorrow," Kim spat as she pushed past him into the family room. She turned on the overhead light and then made her way to the kitchen, hitting more lights as she traveled. Jimmy winced with each click of a switch. He had clearly been over-served just as she suspected, and the evidence of his excess was displayed neatly on the counter in a pyramid of empty beer cans. She offered, "I'll make coffee."
Jimmy closed the door and collapsed on the couch. "Kim," he whined, "I don't feel so good. This might not be the best time for a visit."
Ransacking his cabinets, she ignored his plea for an adjournment and found what she needed. She added water to the coffeemaker and joined him in the front room. Sitting rigid in the well-worn leather chair across from him, she began, "You've avoided me for long enough. We need to talk about this."
He answered, cradling his face in his hands, "I haven't been avoiding you. I just found out today about the baby. Well...yesterday. I had every intention of tryin' to find you and talkin' to you about it today...but not before noon."
He looked pathetic, slumped on the couch in his boxers and t-shirt, and Kim felt a stab of guilt for blitzing him like this in the middle of the night. She surveyed the sparsely decorated room, honing in on the photograph she'd given him displayed on the mantel, just like her roommate had said. In its presence, some of her fears receded and she considered postponing their confrontation. He'd said he was going to find her today. The picture was still on the mantel. He was obviously in no condition to talk. She'd done what she come to do; she'd stepped inside his house. But she felt sick at the thought of leaving, uncertain that she'd ever be invited back. Retreating to the fireplace, she asked the hardest question of all, revealing the real reason she'd rocketed across town to see him. "Are you going to marry her?"
"No." Jimmy rose and dragged himself to the kitchen in pursuit of caffeine.
Kim turned to watch him and with her most pressing question answered, her interrogation stalled. After pouring herself a mug too, they sat together at the kitchen table like two mute strangers, neither making eye contact, neither attempting to speak. They sipped and sighed.
Passing on a third cup and prolonging the silent torture, she rinsed her mug and deposited it in the dishwasher. She leaned into the counter as the weight of a thousand worries flooded her mind, none of which did she feel she could voice. Grabbing her keys from the counter, she decided to leave and wait for him to come to her with the rest of the solution. If she knew nothing else, she knew for certain that the answers weren't hers to offer.
Before she could make herself turn and leave, Jimmy came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and buried his face into the curve of her neck. "I want you and I want this baby," he murmured against her sensitive skin. "I'm sorry it happened this way. I'm sorry you aren't the other half of this baby's DNA. I'm sorry I hurt you." He turned her in his arms and tilted her chin up to confront her sad blueberry eyes. "Everything I said to you about being the one...about being the last one is still true. Please, don't give up on me. Hate me, cuss me, but don't leave me. Please, Kim, don't leave me." He hugged her hard against his chest, unable to bear the pain, the doubt, in her expression a moment longer.
She pushed him away, surprised to find his cheeks were as wet as hers. It would be so easy to give in and let his fears overshadow her own, but she was already doing that with the third member of this mess. She wouldn't be able to stick around until the end, if she kept herself hidden from Jimmy too. "I know this was an accident. I've accepted that, but I can't help but hate..." Kim clenched her fists as the depth of that last word shook her. "I hate that I'm expected...that I'm asked, by both of you, to play nice and help you through it." Her voice broke. "What about me? Who’s gonna help me through it? Who’s gonna help me as I watch you hold the child you share with my best friend? Who?" She hit her chest and cried, "I want to be one of two--- not one of three. I don't want to share you anymore. When is it my turn... to get what I want?"
She sank back into her chair as all the anger and frustration that had been building inside her since she'd first heard the news of the baby tore from her throat in a choking sob. He reached for her, but she flinched and he retreated across the table. Watching Kim unravel like this and knowing he was the reason was unbearable. He'd been selfish with her friendship, with her kindness, with her affection since they'd met. And now, asking her to endure this biggest burden of all made him want to cower in humiliation. The power of the alcohol in his system had abated, but his power of thought had not yet returned. How do I fix this?
The loss of sleep and loss of control was turning her brain to mush. Kim grabbed the dish towel that was slung over the handle of the oven door and dried her face. She honked and wiped again and again, not caring about how dramatic or disgusting she appeared. If this was going to work, they had to be honest with each other. Dripping with snot was about as honest as it could get. "Okay." She exhaled and straightened her shoulders. "If you haven't noticed, I'm feeling a little insecure about us." She tried to smile, but her mouth refused. The truth hurt. She swallowed hard and fought the urge to come undone again.
Taking several more deep breaths himself, Jimmy watched and listened with a growing certainty that he was about to be dumped.
"For this to work...," Kim began, her voice low and weak.
Jimmy perked up.
"For this to work, we're gonna have to be completely honest with each other about what we're thinking and feeling. Lots of talking. No secrets. No sparing of each other's feelings. No games. This is gonna have to be a hard core adult relationship. Got it? Can you do that?"
"Yup." Jimmy answered. Relieved with the direction this conversation was headed, he took her hand.
"Not so fast, Mr. Man," Kim corrected but didn't snatch her hand away. "This mess could get messier. There's no guarantee that everyone is gonna behave themselves for the duration of this pregnancy. And what about after the baby is born? It could
get ugly...real fast."
"How do you mean?"
"Custody battles. Money. Hurt feelings. Misunderstandings. I'm sure there's a million Donahue episodes with parents fighting it out that would convince us to give up right now."
Jimmy looked at her hard. "I don't give up."
"I know," she conceded, wondering if that was a strength or a flaw of his.
He pulled her around the table and on to his lap, brushing the tear-dampened strands of blonde hair from her face. "I know this won't be easy. And I know askin' you to stick by me isn't at all fair to you. But I can't help but think it's gonna work out."
"How?"
Jimmy shook his head. "Honestly, I have no idea. But I do know...we all want the same thing. We all want a good life for this baby. If we can focus on that, maybe the other bullshit will just go away."
"You're right. I want this baby to feel loved and I know Lily does. That's what's killing her right now. She doesn't think she'll be a good mom."
"We'll help her." Jimmy shrugged. "She lacks confidence, that's all."
"Yeah, me too."
He smiled and nibbled her ear. "Finally, something I can fix."
She shivered as his tongue wet her skin. "I hope you know just how much reassuring you're gonna have to do," Kim teased. "Like I said," her breath caught as his mouth suckled her neck, "I'm feeling pretty insecure."
He stroked the length of her back with his large hands and in a husky whisper, he said, "I plan on spending the rest of my life building your confidence."
"Really?!"
Jimmy gave a soft laugh against her lips. He'd thought they'd been over this. "That's the plan, sweetheart. And I think it's the best one I've ever had."
She broke the kiss and argued, "But Jimmy, your family will want you to be with Lily. They'll insist you do the right thing." She started to rise but he held her firm across his lap. "Your mom's gonna have a fit. She'll hate me." Panic rising with her voice, "She'll think I kept you two apart. I'll be a home wrecker."
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