Jonathan's Legacy

by Hans M Hirschi

  “I’m listening, yes. Go on.”

  “Naturally, entering into a relationship with someone much older isn’t easy. They are very set in their ways, and if they’re still single, they have their routines, their ways of doing things. I’ve had a few flings with such men, but nothing ever came of it. I was always the foreign particle that messed up their lives, and it was always the other man who ended it.

  “Then I met Jonathan, and he was different. His life had just been upended. He’d lost his husband of sixty years, and he was like a wounded animal, scared, hurt. Yet there was something about him that was so sweet, there was a tenderness to him, and he had the most beautiful green eyes. And a smile. Oh, Adam, he was such a beautiful human being. I fell for him at first glance.

  “I’d done some research on Jonathan. He and his husband were kind of local celebrities here in Chicago, through their goodwill foundation, and since he had come on board the ship where I was working at the time, we’d been briefed by headquarters on how to behave around him, and how to treat him. I saw a publicity picture of him and his late husband, and I noticed that smile, that loving face, and I became curious, and looked him up online, did some research…”

  “You stalked him?”

  “No, nothing like that. Just curiosity, I guess. I wondered why he would come aboard alone. I learned about the death of his husband, and found some really old pictures of him. He was so tall, so handsome. I probably would’ve fallen in love with him even when he was young. Jonathan had a very old soul, very mature, his entire personality was about giving—giving, never taking. It was only after we’d met, and long after I’d confessed how I felt about him, and he’d told me he felt the same about me, that I got to know the playful, childlike, young side of Jonathan, and it was equally fascinating. We had so many plans together.”

  “And then he passed away?”

  “Not quite. We were on this long cruise, and there was an accident. Cody—you’ve met him, right? The blind young man married to Parker? The people I live with?”

  “Yes, I remember Cody. What happened?”

  “Well, Cody was hit by a truck at an intersection while we were in Honolulu. He was run over and lost both his legs and had to undergo a liver transplant. He was in really, really bad shape. So we had to cut short the cruise and return to the mainland. Then Jonathan helped Cody disappear, because they didn’t want Parker having to live with a crippled, badly disabled man for the rest of his life.”

  “Wow. It sounds like there’s been a lot of action in your life recently…”

  “You could say that. But anyway, I convinced Jonathan to come clean to Parker, and he did, and Parker and Cody got together again, proposed, and so did I. We decided to have a double wedding last Christmas. Well, a few days before Christmas, actually, just after Jonathan’s eighty-first birthday. That’s when he died.” Marc teared up at the memory.

  Adam handed him a tissue. “I’m so sorry to hear that. It must have been terrible. But you were talking about plans?”

  “Well, yes. Jonathan knew that his life’s work, the foundation, was in excellent hands with his two children, but he wanted to go back and travel, see the world, as long as he was still physically able to. He had a heart condition that very few people knew about. I don’t think he ever told his family, and I only found out because of the medical form he’d filled in on the boat before he came to me for spa treatments. I’m not sure he would’ve told me otherwise. Jonathan knew his time was limited. He was on medication, but I guess that didn’t prevent it…”

  “Sounds to me, though, like he’d lived a good, full life?”

  “Yes, he did, and I’ll be forever grateful to have been able to share those months, almost a year, with him. I just wish we’d had more time, you know? Seen more of the world together, Asia, Africa, traveled across Europe…”

  “What is it you miss the most about him?”

  Marc thought about the question and wasn’t sure he knew the answer. “Everything. He was such a wise person, he’d seen so many things, been through so much in his life. He was a fountain of knowledge, and a great storyteller. But I think what I really miss is that feeling of being secure, you know? Even though I’m much stronger than he was physically, I always felt secure around Jonathan, protected. He had this aura surrounding him, instilling respect in people who met him, almost like a guru. Sounds strange, doesn’t it? Even at night, after we had made love, I would feel safe in his arms, like I had never felt before. As old and as fragile as he may have been, his life force was unusually strong.”

  “He sounds like he was an extraordinary person.”

  “Yes, he was, with all his flaws. He was by no means a superman or perfect. He could get cranky, and there were days when his age made itself known, where I felt I was more a nurse than a lover or partner. And I think he made a terrible mistake helping Cody hide. But once he realized Parker couldn’t live without Cody, he fixed that. He wasn’t ashamed to admit he’d made a mistake.”

  “May I ask you a personal question?”

  Marc nodded.

  “You knew that Jonathan was ill when you met him. You told me about his heart condition. You knew he was old—eighty years when you met. You must’ve realized that your time together would be limited?”

  “Yes, I did, absolutely. But I think I only acknowledged that fact on an intellectual level. You know, when I think about this now, I don’t think I ever let my heart feel anything with regards to his frailty, his age. I don’t think my heart ever got to have a say on the matter. I was fine with Jonathan’s mortality from an intellectual point of view, but I think I completely buried my emotions about it. Because I doubt I could’ve handled it.

  “Jonathan was the first man I truly loved, and I was too afraid to lose him. How could I have loved him so completely if I had been consumed with fear of losing him?”

  Adam jotted down some notes on his pad, thinking. “I think we’ll stop here today. Let’s reschedule for later this week, all right?”

  “Adam?” Marc looked worried. “Will you be able to help me?”

  Adam got up and gestured for Marc to do the same. Then he gave him a hug. “Now, some people might call this gesture unprofessional. I don’t care. You’ve been through a tremendous loss, Marc, and I feel nothing but the deepest sympathy for you. And yes, absolutely, I will do my utmost to help you on your way to recovery. You will have to do most of the work, but I’ll be there to guide you. That’s a promise, okay? So, Friday, ten o’clock? How’s that for you?”

  “Sounds good. One question, though. How many sessions do you think I’ll need before, you know, I’m good?”

  “That’s impossible to say. Based on what you told me today, with what you’ve been through, I’d give yourself time to heal. Don’t expect wonders, okay? Your insurance covers the cost, so you don’t have to worry about money.”

  “Oh, that wasn’t on my mind. I was just wondering. I don’t like this feeling of being sick, that’s all.”

  “I wish I could write you a clean bill of health, but we both know it’s not that easy. The mind, like the body, needs time to heal. You’d be surprised to know just how many of your fellow humans go to work every day, sick yet living productive and happy lives. Don’t be defined by your depression.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Good, I’ll see you Friday, then, and remember just to take the pill at bedtime from now on.”

  “Sure thing, Doc, erm, Adam.” Marc smiled weakly and left the office, leaving Adam to review his notes.

  * * * * *

  Chapter 6 - Happy Birthday

  Marc went to see Adam twice a week, at least initially. By the end of June, they agreed to take Marc off the medication and moved to a weekly routine. The Friday morning appointment became, unexpectedly, a highlight in Marc’s week.

  To sit next to Adam—his handsome face, his calm demeanor—sharing a little bottle of water while he told him about his days with Jonathan, reliving their months together…
Marc felt perfectly at ease without ever really knowing why. His mood had improved, and he wasn’t sure he needed to continue seeing Adam, but it made him feel good.

  Adam had been away for a couple of weeks in July, forcing them to take a break, and by early August, Marc was anxious to see him again and tell him about his summer spent at his cabin. The cabin.

  When Marc walked in, Adam was sitting at his desk, as always, studying papers.

  “Hey, Marc. You look terrific. I trust you’ve had a good summer? I hear it’s been rather sunny here.”

  “Hey, Adam. Yes, it’s been scorching hot. In fact, I fled the city after our last appointment and drove out to the cabin. I haven’t been out there since the funeral and needed to check up on things. I ended up staying almost two weeks. The boys had to drive some clothes out for me, and they spent the weekend. It was fun. Skinny-dipping in the lake, fishing, just letting your soul dangle. I certainly see why Jonathan loved that place so much. I still don’t understand why he left it to me, though.”

  “Oh? How so?” Adam asked the question as he routinely grabbed the water bottle and two glasses from the small fridge and returned to the seating area, where Marc had taken his customary seat.

  “It’s just…the cabin has been in the family for a long time. It was bought by Jonathan’s first husband, Dan, and his partner, Sean, and they renovated it together. After Sean died, Dan lived there on his own, which is how he met Jonathan—I think I’ve told you before?”

  Adam nodded but gestured for Marc to continue.

  “Jonathan was abandoned to die in that forest by his parents, and he only found the cabin by chance. So, you see, there’s so much history attached to that cabin, so much important history for the family, Jonathan’s kids, and the grandkids. Dan and Jonathan are both buried out there, a few hundred yards from the cabin. I would’ve thought it made more sense for the cabin to go to their two children so they have access to the grave site.”

  “But you think there’s a reason Jonathan left it to you?” Adam asked.

  “Yeah, absolutely. I just haven’t figured it out yet.”

  “Okay, so what else has been going on? I haven’t seen you in almost three weeks. Tell me.”

  “Not much. I hear the boys are planning a birthday party. You should come. It’s at the end of the month, at the house. The entire family will be there. You might learn something about me…” Marc grinned.

  Adam chuckled. “So this is a purely professional invitation?”

  “Yes.” Marc blushed, “I mean, no. I mean, Doc, erm, Adam… Why do you ask me such questions?”

  Adam was laughing out loud. “Oh, come on, man, allow an old man to tease you a bit?”

  “You’re not old. You’re barely a year older than me!”

  “Two, but that’s beside the point.”

  “True, I just… Well, I feel good coming here. You make me feel good. I’ve shared some of my most intimate secrets with you, yet I barely know anything about you.”

  “Ask away. Anything!” Adam challenged him.

  “Oh, okay… What did you do this summer?”

  “I was in Korea. My grandmother passed away. I escorted my parents back to Seoul. They’re getting a bit old to fly on their own. The weather was miserable the entire two weeks we were there, and I hated every minute of it.”

  “Oh, how come?”

  “My parents and my grandparents live a very particular lifestyle. They’re very religious and strict in their ways. I don’t necessarily like that. I’m not religious myself, and spending two weeks with my parents in that sort of environment… Well, let’s just say I could use a vacation.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Don’t be. It’s my cross to bear. They are, after all, my parents, and I love them. And I was raised to respect them, above all else.”

  “Aren’t you married?” Marc pointed to the ring on Adam’s finger.

  “No, unlike you, I have yet to find the right one… This?” He held up his hand. “It’s an engagement ring, I broke it off. It wasn’t working. I wear it as a reminder not to make the same mistake again.”

  “May I ask who she was?”

  “You are curious today, aren’t you. Truth be told, it was a he. His name is Peter, and we were in med school together. I wasn’t ready for that sort of commitment, and given my family past and… It didn’t work out.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. My gaydar is pretty worthless.”

  “Don’t worry about it. But let’s get on with today’s session, shall we? We were talking about the cabin, the significance of it. Was it important to Jonathan?”

  “Oh, yeah. He and Dan spent most of their free time out there. I think Jonathan felt Dan’s spirit lingered out there, which makes it all the more strange that he would leave it to me. After all, I sort of replaced Dan…”

  “I don’t think you should see it that way. Replacement carries a bit of a negative connotation, and every relationship is different, made up by two completely different personalities. I seriously doubt, based on what you’ve told me about Jonathan, that he ever saw you as replacing Dan.”

  “I guess. I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “So the cabin was important to Jonathan. What does it mean to you?”

  “Honestly? I don’t know. We spent a few weekends out there last year, and Jonathan told me all the stories about it. We walked around the lake, visited the grave site, but that’s it. Jonathan had sixty years of history connecting him to the cabin. To me, it’s just a cabin. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but it doesn’t carry that same significance.”

  “All right. Well, you might still come to some sort of insight of why he left it to you. I’m sure there was a reason.”

  “You never responded to my invitation. Are you coming?”

  Adam scratched his head. “You’re putting me in a difficult situation. I’d love to come. I like you, Marc. But as a therapist, it’s not professional to see a patient outside of a strictly professional setting.”

  “Well, you asked me to call you Adam. You hug me when we meet, and you’ve already said that you don’t care much for what others say. Can’t you pretend you’re doing a field study?”

  Adam had to laugh at that comment. “I’m in so much trouble with you… Tell you what. I’ll show up, but only this once. If we ever were to meet in a more personal, private setting, I’d have to stop seeing you as your doctor. It just wouldn’t be ethical. Deal?”

  “Deal! I was going to ask you, anyway—how much longer do you think I need to see you? I haven’t had an episode in months, I’m off my meds, and I feel okay. I still miss Jonathan, of course, but even being out at the cabin on my own, I was fine.”

  “I’m glad to hear you feel this way, and you’ve made tremendous progress. Let’s just play it by ear. I can’t force you to come here, and I’ve long ago reported back to the state. So if you want to stop coming, that’s fine.”

  Suddenly Marc panicked. “No, no, that’s not what I meant. I like coming here.” Realizing his comment could be misinterpreted, he blushed, causing Adam to laugh some more.

  “You’re funny, Marc. So when’s this party of yours?”

  “Last Saturday of the month, at our house. I’ll send you an invite.”

  “Sounds good. Anyway, time’s up. Same time next week?”

  “See you then.” They hugged, and Marc left Adam’s office, confused. Something had happened between them today, but what? Marc wasn’t sure. How could he have missed that Adam was gay?

  ***

  On the day of the birthday party, Marc was nervous. He had no idea what the boys had planned for him, nor if he was really up to celebrating. He lay in his bed, looking at the ceiling, thinking. How had he ended up here in the first place? What had prompted him to read that VIP brief? Why had he researched Jonathan? Why had he gotten wobbly knees when he finally saw him? Why had he fallen in love with him?

  So much had happened to him in the past year and a half. He was
no longer working as a massage and spa therapist; instead, he was living in this big mansion of a house, as the guest of his step-grandson, and twiddling his thumbs. It was time to do something valuable instead. He needed to talk to the boys about it.

  As if on cue, someone knocked on the door. “Marc, are you up? Decent?”

  “Good morning, Cody. I’m up, yes.”

  Parker and Cody came in. Parker was carrying a tray, and the smell of fresh coffee reached Marc’s nostrils. “Happy Birthday, Marc! We figured you might enjoy breakfast in bed.”

  They put the tray on Marc’s lap and both plopped down on the bed.

  “Are you looking forward to your party?” Parker asked.

  Marc had to chuckle. “Honestly? I don’t know. Knowing you, I’m afraid to think what you might have prepared.”

  Parker slapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t expect any strippers. We’re not that kind of friends… It’s just going to be a nice barbecue, some cool music, and the company of loved ones.” There was something in Parker’s voice that had Marc wondering what he meant with “loved ones,” but he let it slide. If they wanted it to be a surprise, so be it.

  Cody seemed to have something on his mind. “Marc, we would like to talk to you about something. If that’s okay with you?”

  “Sure, fire away. Time to move out?”

  Cody’s face distorted at Marc’s comment. “No, no, not at all. We’ve already told you. You can stay here for as long as you want. But yes, it is about the house.”

  Parker continued. “This is a big house. We have lots of space. There are ten empty bedrooms—rooms that Granddad and Grandpa hardly ever used when Mom and Rick were kids, but at least back then, they’d have guests stay over. We heat them every winter for nothing. Dust settles, and it feels like such a waste of space.”