Framed

by Frank Cottrell Boyce

  The sixth time Minnie went, the alarm didn’t go off at all. She came back grinning. ‘They’ve turned it off,’ she said. ‘The place is wide open. Maybe we should take a few extra paintings?’

  ‘No.’

  We all got up and carried our painting by numbers over to the Technodrome. The moment we opened the door, a different alarm went off. It was like being punched in the ears. I had to bite my lip so I wouldn’t scream. We just stood, frozen to the spot. The moon cast our shadows on the grass. They were as still as fossils. Even the steam from our nostrils seemed too scared to move.

  But nothing happened.

  There was the painting, all boxed up. We put our painting down. We picked up the other one. Then the alarm stopped. The quiet was almost worse than the noise. We stood there, holding our breath. Then Minnie walked out and me and Tom followed.

  It was only when we got to the barbed-wire fence that I thought, ‘Twenty-five million pounds.’

  4. Put the Misses Sellwood’s painting in the Sunflowers frame

  This was Minnie’s idea, and you have to admit it was impressive.

  The plan was to take Sunflowers out of its frame, put the picture of the young Miss Sellwood into the front of the frame and then put Sunflowers in behind it, and put it all back together again. Now if anyone searched the house, they could be looking straight at the Van Gogh and never know it. Because it was hidden behind old Mr Sellwood’s picture of his daughter.

  Genius.

  As soon as we got back down off the mountain, we went into the workshop. I got the jemmy, found the special groove under the ‘T’ of National and then slipped the box open. There was some bubble wrap on top. We moved that, and there was Sunflowers.

  It didn’t look anything like our painting by numbers.

  We thought that was a masterpiece – but this . . . the yellow was so yellow it nearly lit up the garage. And even though it was only flowers, it seemed really sad and happy at the same time. How can flowers be sad? Or happy, for that matter? But these were. We just sat there, staring at it for ages. The weirdest thing was, we were freezing when we came off the mountain, but looking at Sunflowers was like warming yourself at a fire. It had so much sunshine in it, it was like being back on top of the mountain that first day when I hadn’t known it was going to be sunny.

  Then the birds started singing outside. It was nearly morning.

  Minnie said, ‘We need a photo.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘To prove we’ve got the painting. During negotiations. I sneaked Marie’s Polaroid camera out of her room. You have to take it, Tom.’

  ‘But I want to be in the picture,’ said Tom.

  ‘You can’t. Then there’d be evidence linking you to the crime.’

  ‘There’ll be evidence linking you to the crime.’

  ‘We’re under age. We can’t go to jail.’

  ‘I could wear my Turtles mask.’

  So that’s what we did. We put the camera on automatic and we all stood there, holding up Sunflowers, disguised as Turtles. It was a rubbish disguise. There’s only one person in Snowdonia with that many Turtles masks, and everyone knows who that is.

  We unscrewed the back of the frame. I lifted the painting out. The paint was really thick and I was scared it was going to start flaking off. Minnie dropped Mr Sellwood’s painting into the frame. I was supposed to drop Sunflowers in just on top of that, but I was scared the paint would rub off on the back of it.

  ‘Put some tissue in or something.’

  Dad had a big roll of tissue with the Swarfega on the shelves. We padded the back of the other painting with it and then we put Sunflowers in. Then we sealed it up. And, ‘There you go,’ said Minnie. ‘Perfect crime.’

  ‘What do we do next, then?’ said Tom.

  ‘Just hold tight,’ said Minnie.

  7 July

  Cars today:

  WHITE COMBI VAN – just passing through

  CARBON BLACK BMW M5 – Mr Q. Lester

  (criminal investigation)

  Weather – didn’t notice

  Note: INSURANCE COMPANIES TEND TO SPECIALIZE

  This was the Monday. The white van crossed the forecourt. Lester came right after it in his own car. He waved to us and we thought, There it goes.

  Minnie said, ‘There you go. Job done.’

  ‘Painting by numbers heading for London.’

  Suddenly there was a terrible scream from upstairs.

  ‘What’s that?!’ For some mad reason I thought it was something to do with the robbery – like the police had come in through the window or something. Then the scream turned into shouting and throwing things. It was Marie. Something had upset her.

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘Nothing,’ said Minnie. ‘Come on, let’s get to school.’

  And she more or less dragged me out of there and we ran to school.

  Normally, when we get to school, me and Minnie go our separate ways. This day we stuck next to each other all day. Like we were both worried that one of us would give the game away. Minnie spent the whole day grinning. She was so chuffed that she’d finally become a Master Criminal. She was so happy, she hummed when she was doing her maths. Ms Stannard told her off and she just smiled this Mona Lisa smile, like she was thinking, And they told the Master Criminal not to hum . . .

  When we got home, Lester’s car was parked on the grass, just the far side of the mountain gate. He’d just got back from London. He looked as though he’d driven non-stop. Even though the BMW has ergonomic seats and excellent cruise control for longer journeys, he still looked tired.

  ‘Stay calm,’ I said to Minnie. ‘He must know by now that it’s gone, but he can’t possibly suspect us.’

  Lester said, ‘Right then. Where is it?’

  I said, ‘Where is what?’

  ‘I’ve said nothing to your mother because I have no wish to add to her troubles. Just return the painting immediately, and we’ll say no more about it.’

  He was looking straight at me. But I couldn’t look at him.

  Minnie said, ‘We were hoping for a reward.’

  ‘Reward?’ said Lester. ‘The reward will be that you won’t go to jail.’

  ‘We’re too young to go to jail.’

  ‘In that case, your mother and your friend Tom, they can go to jail.’

  I gasped. ‘No, listen,’ I said. ‘It’s all right. We—’

  Minnie interrupted, ‘Do the police know?’

  ‘I was there when they opened the box. I almost fainted. Luckily for you, I had the presence of mind to invent a story about a community arts project. So far, only I know. Give it back immediately and you may yet avoid a custodial sentence.’

  I said, ‘OK. Thank you,’ and I was just going to go and get it, only Minnie stopped me.

  ‘It’s hidden,’ she said. ‘It’s completely safe. But we’ll need a bit of time.’

  ‘A bit of time you can have. Just a bit. Understand?’

  ‘Sure,’ said Minnie. ‘So what are they doing with the other picture?’

  ‘They’re going to hang it. For the week.’

  ‘Rocking Rollos,’ said Minnie. ‘Cowabunga!’

  ‘Not cowabunga at all,’ said Lester. ‘Just give back the painting. Do you have any idea how fragile it is?’

  ‘You’ve made your offer,’ said Minnie. ‘We’ll sleep on it.’

  I’d read about people’s eyes narrowing before, but I’d never actually seen it till now. Lester’s were like little razor blades of fury.

  He got back into his car. Then he wound the window down and looked at me.

  ‘Dylan, I want to apologize,’ he said, which was a bit weird, ‘for overestimating you. I thought very highly of you. I was mistaken. I should never have shown you those paintings. I should never have shown anybody any paintings.’

  Then he drove off.

  I said, ‘How did he know it was us?’

  ‘All part of the plan,’ said Minnie. ‘I suddenly thought, it’s n
o good nicking the painting if no one knows it’s nicked. So instead of putting Sunflowers in, I put our Marie’s collage in. That’s why she was screaming this morning – because I’d taken her collage.’

  ‘What collage?’

  ‘She’d made this collage. You know, like she did with “Be Lovely”, only different.’

  ‘And you swapped her collage for our Sunflowers?’

  ‘Yeah, and now it’s in the National Gallery. That’ll cheer her up when she hears about it.’

  ‘Yeah. That’ll really make up for us going to jail.’

  She said, ‘Can I borrow your pen?’

  I passed her my pen, the one with Barry’s phone number on it. She took out Marie’s phone and started dialling.

  Upstairs, Marie was still wailing.

  I followed Minnie in and said, ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘If your friend Lester won’t play ball, I know someone who will. After all, it’s the insurance company, not the gallery, that will have to pay out if the painting’s not found. It’s the insurance company who’ve got the motivation to cough up. Hello?’

  She’d got through.

  ‘It’s Minnie from the garage. We’d like to meet up and talk.’

  We met them in the pavilion. They drove their XJ 4.2 straight on to the potential putting green and climbed out.

  ‘Is this about the Mini?’ said Barry.

  ‘Because we don’t want to be messed around any more,’ said Tone.

  ‘This one,’ said Barry, pointing at me, ‘told me his dad worked at Diggermania. He left there days ago. No one’s seen him since.’

  ‘So don’t waste any more of our time.’

  I was so surprised about the Dad news that I forgot to be scared of them. Anyway, it was Minnie who was the really scary one. She said, ‘We don’t care about the Mini. We’re here about this . . .’

  And she showed him the Polaroid of us in disguise holding up Sunflowers.

  Barry looked at it closely. He seemed confused. Tone looked at it closely. He looked even more confused.

  Tone looked at Barry. Barry looked at Tone. They both looked at me. I looked at Minnie.

  ‘That’s Sunflowers by Vincent Van Gogh,’ said Minnie. ‘Stolen from the gallery this weekend. We know where it is. We’ll reveal its whereabouts in exchange for a Handsome Reward.’

  Barry and Tone looked at each other again. ‘That’s interesting,’ said Tone.

  ‘But what’s it got to do with us?’ said Barry.

  ‘Well, if we don’t hand it back, the insurance company will have to pay out twenty-five million pounds. We’ll be saving your company tens of millions. Do you want to make a deal?’

  ‘Not really,’ said Barry, ‘because it’s not our insurance company. It’s a different insurance company. Insurance companies tend to specialize these days. We specialize in late-night and rural garages, service stations, that kind of thing. Not national art collections. This is way out of our league.’

  Minnie said, ‘Oh.’

  And that’s when I remembered that, as well as being a Master Criminal, she was just a little girl.

  ‘So . . .’

  Barry and Tone were laughing. ‘So you were going to try a little insurance scam of your own, were you? Just like your dad. Criminality is in your blood, isn’t it?’

  That was it for me. I turned and walked away. Minnie came with me. She was going to cry. Then Barry called her back.

  I said, ‘Ignore him.’

  But he said, ‘Listen, I could do something for you – freelance type of thing.’

  ‘Yeah, we could do it freelance.’

  ‘There’ll be a reward when this gets out. We could take it off your hands, turn it in, split the money with you. What d’you reckon?’

  Minnie looked like he’d asked her if she’d like an extra birthday.

  ‘Is that a “Yes” then? What shall we say? Seventy–thirty. They’ll probably go to a mid six-figure sum as long as it’s kept out of the papers. It affects their shares, you see, if people hear they have to make a big payout. If you can keep this secret, I can get you . . . oooh, twenty grand.’

  ‘Twenty-five,’ said Minnie.

  ‘Done.’

  She handed him the Polaroid and said, ‘That’s on account. You can have the real one when we get the money.’

  When we were clearing up that night I said, ‘What if we get caught?’

  ‘Master Art Criminals don’t get caught. Look at Vincenzo. They had to invent the whole science of fingerprinting to catch him.’

  ‘Say that again.’

  ‘They only caught him by inventing fingerprinting.’

  ‘They caught him?’

  ‘Well, yeah. Eventually.’

  ‘You never told me they caught him.’

  ‘No. I sort of skipped over that bit mentally.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Oh.’

  9 July

  Cars today:

  ROVER 3500 V8 – the Misses Sellwood

  CARBON BLACK BMW M5 – Lester, me, Minnie, Max, half the National Gallery – and Ms Stannard

  Weather – rain

  Note: COLLECTABLE SPLINTER ACTION FIGURE WITH SIXTY-SEVEN POINTS OF ARTCULATION

  This is the arrangement Minnie made with Barry and Tone:

  Mam was going to take all our stuff to the Dynamo Blaenau Floodlit Car Boot Super Sale on Wednesday evening at the rugby ground. We were going to stay in and babysit Max. Barry and Tone were going to call round with the money and we were going to give them the painting.

  This is what actually happened:

  We helped Mam load all the boxes in the car. Just as she was about to leave, a car horn beeped over by the gate. It was the Misses Sellwood. I ran over to open the gate.

  ‘You haven’t gone yet, then, Dylan?’

  ‘Not yet.’

  They got out of the car. Mam said, ‘We’re closed, I’m afraid, ladies. Got no petrol at all, if that’s what you’re after.’

  ‘Oh, no, no, no,’ said Edna. ‘We saw you putting everything in boxes and we were inspired, look.’

  They had a box on the back seat with old records and a lamp in it. ‘We’re going to the car-boot sale in Blaenau. Going to sell some of this rubbish.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘In regard to which, we wondered if we could have our picture back?’

  ‘Your picture?’

  ‘The one Father painted. The one of Elsa.’

  Me and Minnie looked at each other. We were both thinking the same thing. Namely, ‘Oh, shell!’

  Mam said, ‘Oh yes. Surely. I’ll get it right away . . .’

  Minnie and me both said, ‘I’ll get it!’ Thinking, maybe we’d have time to get Sunflowers out of the frame.

  ‘You stay with the baby,’ said Mam, ‘and I’ll get it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautiful painting, but it’s had a very bad effect on Marie. I’ll be glad to see the back of it.’

  And off she went.

  Minnie said, ‘But you’re not going to sell it, surely?’

  Edna said, ‘It’s no good to us, after all. Elsa can’t see it and I’m tired of looking at it. What would I want a portrait of Elsa for when I’m looking at the real thing all day long, whether I like it or not, so to speak?’ She had a point. ‘It’s always caused bad blood between the two of us. Why he painted a picture of her and not of me, I’ll never know. Anyway, that’s it now. It’s going.’

  Mam came out and gave them the painting.

  And they drove off to the Dynamo Blaenau Floodlit Car Boot Super Sale with our priceless Van Gogh in the back of their Rover.

  About ten minutes later, Mam went too.

  I was just recovering my powers of speech. I said, ‘What are we going to do?’

  ‘Well, we can’t stay round here, that’s for sure.’

  ‘Why not?’ My plan was to get into bed and pull the duvet up over my head.

  ‘Because when Barry and Tone get here, they’ll kill us.’

  Oh.
/>
  ‘It’s all right,’ she said. ‘Every good plan has a wide margin of error. We’ve just got to make use of it. This is what we’ll do. We’ll go to the car-boot sale. We’ll buy the picture. We’ll bring it back here and everything will be fine.’

  ‘What if it’s already been sold?’

  ‘Let’s minimize that possibility.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘By getting a bloody move on.’

  Jade Porty was on the bus. She gave Max a big smile and tickled him under the chin – which he didn’t like. Then, in this baby voice, like she was still talking to Max, she went, ‘Where oooo going den? Blaenau Car Boot Super Sale?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘Looking for bargains, are you?’ she smarmed. She was hinting that we were going there because we were poor. I wanted to say to her, ‘No, actually we’re going to collect our twenty-five-million-pound Van Gogh,’ but I didn’t.

  Obviously we had to avoid Mam when we got to the rugby pitch. That part was easy because the floodlights made big wedges of deep shadow all over the place.

  We found the Misses Sellwood’s car and saw that the painting was still there. The whole plan was back on track. So it was a pity that the Misses Sellwood wanted twenty quid for their painting and we only had a fiver.

  ‘It has enormous sentimental value to us, see,’ said Edna. ‘So we couldn’t sell it for less. Besides, I’ve got my eye on a Wedgwood cake stand over there. So I need the money.’

  Minnie pleaded with them. ‘We could give you five pounds as a deposit, and pay you the rest as and when.’

  ‘I’d like to, Minnie.’

  ‘Great.’

  ‘But we can’t always do what we like, can we? If I did that, I wouldn’t have enough money for the cake stand, and then how would the world go round?’

  Then Minnie had the idea of phoning Tom and telling him to bring some money. ‘Get your mam to drive you here,’ she said. ‘We need it right now.’ Tom said he was on his way.

  We hung around the cars, trying to keep out of Mam’s line of vision. They were mostly estate cars and 4x4s, but there was one interesting old character car called a Morris Traveller, which seemed to be made of wood. People were selling lamps and crockery and car batteries. One woman was selling reproduction Victorian toilets.