Fake it Baby

by Tia Siren

  Karly examined a half-broken Dorito in between her two neon pink fingernails.

  “I dunno, what did you really lose then? I don’t know about you, but for me, the things I end up regretting are the things I didn’t do—not the things I tried.”

  I nodded.

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But even without that, what if the media gets wind of it and publishes a big expose? You know, ‘Hot Docs Share More than a Medical Practice’ or something stupid like that.”

  Karly nodded, biting her cheesy lip.

  “Yeah, or ‘Two Rich Doctor’s Team Up to Give Nurse Her Holiday Bonus!’ Ha!”

  “Oh God, why did I start that? I knew better,” I said, only slightly horrified at our lame attempts at humor.

  Seriously Brooke, I was actually just about to mention the media thing to you. Did you hear about the new MTV reality show ‘Throuples?’ It looks absolutely scandalous, I can’t wait!”

  I groaned.

  “Kar, I’m being serious. This is my real life we’re talking about here. Not some hyped-up reality show.”

  “But actually,” she said, bouncing up and down on my couch, “Just imagine—the media picks up on your story, they interview you all and you end up getting cast on the show, making it go viral, naturally. Then, you’re rich and living happily ever after!”

  She clapped her hands together, her eyes bright and shiny with dollar signs.

  I grabbed the Dorito out of her hand and tossed it in my mouth.

  “Yeah, sorry but I don’t think it works like that?”

  Karly shrugged.

  “Do what you want, hon, but I’d totally go for it.”

  “You know me,” I said, “I don’t like attention and I don’t like drama. I don’t need to be rich, anyway. I’m happy with earning how much I do now.”

  “Yeah, but think of the fabulous yacht parties we could have,” Karly said, flopping back onto my couch with a wistful sigh.

  I tugged the Dorito bag out of her hands, and tossed another few chips in my mouth.

  “If things work out with Jake and Mark—properly and not because of some reality show craziness—then maybe we could actually have a yacht party or two.”

  “Yeah, whatever,” Karly said, “If it actually worked out, then you’ll be too busy being in l-o-v-e to have any kind of yacht party with little old me.”

  “Oh please,” I said, flicking her on the arm, “You’re the one who goes MIA the first month you have a new boyfriend, remember?”

  “Can you really blame me?” Karly said, “I’m just making up for the lack of sex in between boyfriends—I’m not like you—some magical sex-camel who can go months without it.”

  “Oh shut-up,” I said, whacking her with a pillow from the couch.

  “No, seriously though,” Karly said, “That’s how you need to pitch this to the hot docs. Get this, I’m a hot sex-camel and I can let you ride my humps—one hump for each of you—if you’re good.”

  “You’re gross,” I said, giggling in spite of myself, “Remind me why I’m your friend.”

  “Because you like me so much,” Karly said, grinning at me cheekily, “Just how you like the hot docs.”

  Glaring at her in exasperation, we both broke out giggling again.

  But after we’d stopped eating, the doubt and fear returned.

  “I mean it, though, Karly. Did I ever tell you what Howlin did to me after I broke up with him that year you were away?”

  Karly turned to me, her eyes wary, and her grin hanging awkwardly on her face.

  “No,” she said, “you didn’t. But I heard rumors.”

  I sighed, looking away. No way could I do this looking at her head-on like that, the pity already starting to appear on her angular features. The only way I could do it was like this, talking to the wall, as if I were alone.

  “It was great while we were together,” I said, stalling for time, not wanting to get to the point where I can to actually say it, “I mean, he was great. Just romantic and fun and so, I don’t know, passionate. But then, he started getting all possessive, hanging around all the time, and getting jealous if he didn’t know where I was and what I was doing every minute. After a while, I had to break it off, things were just getting too crazy—this was a high school romance after all. That was when the real fun began.”

  My sigh turned into a half-sob. Karly’s reassuring hand patted my back.

  “You don’t have to tell me, Brooke, if you’re not comfortable.”

  I exhaled in a whoosh, my whole body slumping into the couch.

  “No, I have to, Karly. I have to tell someone. I’ve let it eat at me for way too long.”

  I took a deep breath, and then continued, “Howlin started showing up at the places I went to, hounding me and yelling at me. He would call me all night until I blocked his number, then he just call from a different one. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The worst of it was—the pictures.”

  Another gasping exhale. There, I’d said it. Now I just had to say the rest of it.

  “They were jokey pictures we’d taken together. He’d say, ‘do this pose’ and I did it. We were both just drunk stupid kids. He told me there was no film in the camera, and like an idiot, I believed him. And that was the end of it, or so I thought. We never talked about it again. The only way I heard about it was through Patrick, a mutual friend. What he was doing. He was sending the pictures to everyone. I begged him to stop, to delete the pictures, but it was too late. The damage was done. I spent the rest of the school year in shame. My mom wanted to go to the principal, but I didn’t want to admit what had happened—I didn’t want even more people to know.”

  Silence, as Karly’s comforting arms closed around me.

  “Oh my God. Brooke, that’s terrible—that’s even worse than I thought. I’m so, so insanely sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” I said, now sinking back into her arms, “It was horrible, but it’s over now.”

  Karly held me like that, for a minute, as I reflected on what I’d just said.

  “Except that’s not true, though,” I said, suddenly, “A year later, I thought I was over it—the whole horrible picture thing, but I wasn’t. Not really. I never trusted guys after that—not the ones I went on dates with, not the ones who pursued me, and not even the ones I slept with. Boyfriends were just a fun way to pass the time, never someone to be vulnerable with. And now, I guess, now that I think about it, I’m not sure I’m over it even now. It’s stupid, it’s been what—eleven years now? And still, this is the first time I’ve talked about it, and other than my mom, you’re the first person I’ve ever told. Whenever I think of it, I get this sick twist in my stomach. Like I’m hearing about it from Patrick for the first time—and seeing just what Howlin did to me.”

  My eyes had been closed, but when I opened them, they were full of tears. Suddenly, I knew exactly why I’d mentioned this to Karly now. Why it was coming up now of all times.

  “I guess I’m afraid. Afraid that it’s no coincidence that I’m finding myself vulnerable for the first time in over ten years—with two men instead of one. What if this is my subconscious way of protecting myself again—by having two men—so that if one screws me over, at least I still have another one? What if Howlin really did fuck me up permanently, and now I’m doomed to forever pay the price, always wanting what’s not possible and right?”

  Silence. Karly’s hand ran up and down my back in a slow, comforting motion.

  “Brooke, I don’t know what to say. Does it matter the why of what you want? I don’t know. Maybe the Howlin thing is part of it, or maybe you would’ve wanted this no matter what. Maybe this is more normal than the way things are, only people don’t admit or give into it because it’s too hard. Because it can’t be easy—relationships are hard between two people, let alone three. I don’t think you should shy away from this just because it isn’t the norm, or you’re afraid it’s not for the right reasons. You haven’t even given it a real go yet. Do you really want to
wonder about it for the rest of your life? You can’t control whether Jake and Mark agree to it, but you can control your choice. Whether you face what you both want and fear the most head-on; or choose to run away from it, just like you said you’ve been running away from being vulnerable with men all this time?”

  I turned to gape at Karly.

  “Whoa, Dr. Karly. Where did this all come from?”

  Her face fell.

  “Sorry, was that a bit much? I’ve been brushing up on my relationship manuals to make sure I don’t drive away Liam by being a psycho bitch.” She shot me a cheery and eager smile, “Is it working?”

  Wiping away the tears on my face, I smiled.

  “Hell yeah, it’s working. You should get your own show or something.”

  She grinned.

  “Good, then shut it for another minute okay?”

  Smiling, I turned back around and Karly kept on talking. “It’s not right to dismiss parts of yourself you don’t like, while refusing to look at them. If you really think you have issues trusting men and think that this could be your way of dealing with it, then the only way to see for certain—or fix your trust issues—is to face it head-on. Walk into what you’re being drawn to. If this wasn’t right for you, do you really think these two incredibly attractive, wonderful and devoted men would show up, just for you to go for it and make a big mistake? I don’t think so.

  In the end, it’s up to you to decide what kind of life you want to live. One where you shy away from anything that makes you uncomfortable; or one where you face your fears head-on, and allow yourself to enjoy what’s been brought to you. Howlin’s taken enough from you already, don’t let him take this away, too.”

  Once again, I turned to Karly with an awed expression.

  “You—you’re amazing,” I fell silent.

  It didn’t seem like there were words that could possibly express how grateful and calmed I was feeling now. Karly had addressed each of my concerns—even the ones I didn’t fully realize I had. Sure, I’d still been following my feelings and going after Mark and Jake. But I’d done it all with a dark sense of foreboding. That this could never work out, and shouldn’t. And now? Now I felt light, and free. It wasn’t up to me whether this would work out. Nor was it my place to reject these budding relationships, just because they didn’t fit into the stereotypical picture-perfect nuclear family model I’d been raised with. So what if this was because I’d been fucked over when I was a teenager by the first guy I really cared for? The only way to find out if being a throuple with Mark and Jake would work would be to give it a try.

  “You look deep in thought—or half asleep. Want to go to bed?” Karly asked, smiling shyly.

  I hugged her again.

  “Thank you so much. You said just what I needed to hear. You really are the greatest friend I ever could have asked for.”

  She giggled.

  “Oh stop, you know I’m just using you for the cake.”

  We giggled, each of us taking a hearty forkful of cake. After we clinked forks, we dug in.

  “To my best friend,” I said, grinning.

  “To my best friend,” she said, “Who is going to be totally fine with her two boyfriends.”

  Giggling, we ate our final piece and happily went to bed.

  That night I fell asleep to more of the same thoughts running through my head. While Karly snored happily away, I worried about Jake and Mark, and what tomorrow would bring. Sure, after Karly had delivered her eloquent advice, I’d felt confident. But Jake and Mark still hadn’t agreed to it. It didn’t make one whit of difference of I was completely accepting of the situation myself, if they didn’t agree. No, just as easily as tonight I’d opened myself up to what I truly wanted, tomorrow, I could lose it just as quickly.

  Chapter 27

  Jake

  I tried making about three meals before I gave up. Just as I was about to take refuge in a Jenna Haze video, she called. The woman I really wanted.

  “Are you free for dinner tonight?” Brooke asked.

  “For you, definitely,” I said, then paused, “It’s not going to be just us though, is it?”

  “No, I was going to invite Mark, if that was alright with you.”

  I paused. For some reason, the idea didn’t annoy me or upset me as much as I would’ve expected. In fact, as worried as I was about how the dinner would go, I was actually looking forward to seeing the guy.

  “Well, I do like that I get to be asked first,” I said, “Even if it is because of my fragile ego.”

  “Oh stop,” Brooke said, giggling, “I’ll see you at Princessa’s at eight, okay?”

  “I’ll probably be early, I’m just bored out of my mind here at home.”

  Brooke laughed.

  “Okay, I’ll see what I can do about being a few minutes early myself.”

  As soon as she hung up, the apprehension in my body grew. Tonight was the night, I could feel it. That was the reason Brooke was inviting us both out to dinner. She’d want a response, a decision—and I didn’t know if I could give her one.

  I got to Princessa’s fifteen minutes early, as predicted. To my surprise, Brooke and Mark were already there, at the private table the waitress led me to. It was beautiful, on its own balcony with irises set on the fence overlooking an abandoned park. The closest table wasn’t even in sight. It would be perfect for what we were likely going to discuss.

  “I move the time up,” Brooke explained, smiling at me, “I didn’t want you having to wait alone.”

  “You really are very considerate,” I said, sitting down on the other side of her.

  “What about me?” Mark quipped, “Aren’t I considerate?”

  “No,” I said, grinning at him, “You’re just a dick—a funny dick who’s pretty enjoyable to be around, most of the time.”

  Mark spread his arms into a big stretch.

  “Hm, I guess we all have our strengths.”

  Brooke looked at both of us shyly, her eyes lit up.

  “Yeah, we definitely do.”

  With that dirty glint in her eyes, I had no doubt what she was thinking of. How I’d pounded her ass, while Mark destroyed her pussy until she’d been senseless with pleasure. Right now, seeing the sexy little cropped white dress she was wearing, I wouldn’t mind doing it again.

  I paused, and took a long swig of the water that was in front of me. What was going on with me?

  “So,” Brooke said softly, taking both of our hands, “I wanted to talk about this. Us. I don’t think I need to tell you what I think—or what I thought about Wednesday night. I enjoyed it more than I’d care to admit.”

  “So did I,” I said, quietly.

  Brooke smiled.

  “So, what are you guys thinking then?”

  “I still don’t know about it,” Mark said, “I mean, having a random threesome here and there is one thing—but being an actual couple—throuple—seems pretty risky, considering the way the media is always on us.”

  Brooke nodded.

  “I’m worried about that, too.”

  Right then, the waitress came in.

  “Are you all ready to order?”

  “Not really,” Mark said.

  I glanced to him.

  “Want to just have my favorite?”

  Just as Mark made a face, his stomach growled.

  “Looks like my belly’s answering for me,” he dead-panned.

  We all laughed, and I told the waitress, “Three orange-glazed pork tenderloins, please.”

  Once she’d left, Brooke turned her attention back to us.

  “Not knowing your answer is really killing me though,” she said, frowning.

  I took in her downturned hazel eyes and the slight droop of her lashes. Brooke wasn’t kidding.

  “I really think this could work,” Brooke said, “We should at least try. I mean, I don’t know about you two, but for me the reality of losing you both, is worse to me than the risk of it not working out.”

  “And th
e media finding out,” Mark pointed out, then sighed, “You’re right, though. I’d rather do anything than lose you entirely.”

  “Same here,” I said quietly.

  “It’s just I’ve never, I don’t know,” Mark said, clearing his throat, “Shared a woman before.”

  “You’ve also never been serious with a woman before,” I said.

  “Good point,” he said, with a grin, “If I’m going to try one new experience—why not try both at the same time, right?”

  He shook his head.

  “Seriously though, I want to try it, it just feels weird.”

  Brooke squeezed his hand.

  “It feels weird to me too—like morally off. But there’s nothing wrong with trying it. And I think if we do, we’re going to no develop some ground rules—like what we can or can’t do, stuff like that.”

  “Jake can’t fuck me,” Mark said, “Just going to put that out there.”

  We all laughed and I rolled my eyes.

  “Get over yourself—you’re not my type.”

  “What, too handsome?” Mark quipped.

  “You have a penis,” I said, “Anyway, I’d want ground rules, too. I’m not fucking you Mark, no matter how drunk you get or how much you beg me.”

  Under the table, he kicked me.

  “Seriously though,” Brooke said, still giggling, “What legit ground rules would you guys want to lay out?”

  Silence.

  “I don’t know,” I finally said, “I think I’d need some more time to think about it. I’d hate to agree to something and then later regret it. I’m not even 100% sure I’m on board with this.”

  “Me neither,” Mark confessed.

  “Yeah, of course. That’s totally fine,” Brooke said, although I could tell she was putting on a brave face. “Let’s just relax for now and have a nice dinner.”

  And that is what we did, laughing and talking, though we all were a bit reserved. Finally, Brooke got our attention once more, and it was obviously more serious than our dinnertime banter.

  “So, we’ll discuss the details more another time, but for now, would it be okay if I got a kiss from both of you?”