Confide in Me

by Renae Kaye

  I even enjoyed listening to him practice his singing and guitar playing. He did have a nice voice. He definitely wasted it on singing other people’s hits instead of trusting himself and doing what he wanted. As a teacher, I recognised the teen angst of him trying to discover who he was and who he was meant to be, as if he had never been allowed to fly his own flag when he was younger. He was a guy who didn’t seem comfortable in his own skin, and I couldn’t help but wonder about his story.

  I also noticed a change over the weeks with the boys—mostly with Rhys. In the beginning I think he was expecting me to dress in heels and insist on colour-coordinating napkins with each meal. He’d often make stupid and thoughtless comments like, “Really? You know the rules of basketball?” as if he expected a gay person to be different. The first time he caught me coming out of the black-and-white room at his house, he went red and couldn’t look me in the eye. Brendan seemed unfazed with it all, and Justin—for some reason—was cocky about it. As if he’d planned it all.

  But then they seemed to loosen up and relax around me. I got to know them, and they got to know me. Then Brendan asked me one night, “Hey, Ed. Are you still seeing that guy we saw you with at the pizza place?”

  I popped another chip in my mouth. “Who, Stuart? Nah. No chemistry there. I’ve given up dating for now. Did that girl ever call you? The one from the park?”

  I hadn’t really given much thought to the conversation, but Callum obviously had. Later that night we were snuggled under the black-and-white covers in the spare room. I was face down, lying in a pool of my own come and not even caring about it. Callum had fucked me good, and the combination of the endorphins and wine was making me sleepy. Callum’s head was resting on my shoulder, and his hand was idly rubbing my buttocks, which was actually prolonging the orgasmic high I was on, so I wasn’t complaining.

  “Ed? Do you fuck other guys during the week?”

  I thought he was joking—because who had that sort of energy?—so responded flippantly.

  “Of course. Every lunchtime in the teachers’ lounge.”

  His hand stopped moving, and I frowned, realising that maybe he was being more serious than I thought. I got up on one elbow and turned my body to look at him. There wasn’t much light in the darkened bedroom, so I mostly saw shadows. He moved to his side of the bed, and I placed my hand on his bare stomach.

  “Callum? I’m with you usually four nights a week. The other three nights I’m frantically catching up on work and sleep so I can hang out with you on the other nights.” I deliberately used the phrase hang out as if we were mates meeting up for a beer, instead of the more romantically inclined phrase of see. “I don’t have the time or energy to be with anyone else. I have a job I need to do and friends I still keep in touch with.”

  Since his face was in darkness, I couldn’t see his expression. I waited for his response with a thumping heart.

  “So you’re not going to date anyone else?” he asked.

  I heaved a huge sigh and lay down next to him, putting my head on the other pillow. “I wasn’t having any luck. Before Stuart there were several other duds. Lots of guys who just wanted sex. Lots of guys who just wanted to be friends.” I let that sink in for a moment. “I don’t know what I was doing wrong. But truthfully, since Stuart, I’ve given up for a bit and it’s actually been nice. No stress.”

  It was nice for a whole slew of other reasons, which started with Callum and ended with being in bed with Callum. But I wasn’t going to mention it.

  “So—” He hesitated. “—we’re okay to date other guys if the opportunity arises, right?”

  My heart sank. I’d been waiting for this moment and had prepared myself. “Truthfully, Callum? I’m not okay with this between us if you’re seeing someone else. So if you’ve met someone, just say it and we can call it a day.”

  “And you?” he asked. “What if you meet someone?”

  Not likely. “Then I’ll tell you about it beforehand.”

  “And if I say I don’t want you to go out with someone else?” he whispered.

  I groped for the blankets and pulled them up. I tried to find some anger inside me that he’d ask that sort of question, but I found I couldn’t. I knew that part of the learning curve of life was to verbalise dumb things and be corrected—I taught teenagers for a living, after all. And from what I could tell of Callum, he’d never had a long-term relationship. How was someone meant to understand without being told, observing, or learning from their mistakes?

  Also the fact that I was still feeling the aftershocks from the orgasm he gave me made my resentment at the question disappear as soon as it surfaced.

  “Callum, if you don’t want me to go out with someone else, then there’s only one thing that you can do to stop me, and that’s to make sure I’m off the market and unavailable. But until such a time, you have no say in my life. I’m sorry. Them’s the breaks.”

  ~~~~~~~~

  Chapter Ten

  What do you do when the man of your dreams nearly makes those dreams come true, but stumbles at the finish line?

  You have a totally miserable time while he realises his mistake.

  It started with Jimbo from Callum’s basketball team. One night, after a tough game they only won by two points, Jimbo’s bimbo—oh, I mean girlfriend—handed the boys each an envelope. Nikki was probably a very nice woman, but from the moment Rhys had referred to her as Jimbo’s bimbo, I couldn’t see past that. She seemed nice, but fawned all over the babies and the pregnant wife of Nate. She clapped when points were scored and shrieked when the score was close, but most of the time I hadn’t said more than “Hello,” “Goodbye,” and “Do you think they’re going to win tonight?” to her.

  So after the game when she passed out the envelopes, I wasn’t really interested, until Justin said, “This is what? Four weeks away?”

  “Yep,” said Jimbo proudly, still guzzling down water to rehydrate.

  I looked over at Callum’s envelope and saw the fancy silver card with bells on the front and realised it was a wedding invite.

  Nikki was beaming proudly as the other wives and girlfriends flattered her, saying they loved the invitations and that they couldn’t wait to go. She looked at our group and said, “You can all bring someone if you want. Let me know so I can confirm the numbers with the caterer.”

  My breath stopped halfway down, caught between a bubble of hope and a knot of fear. Would Callum invite me to the wedding? Or would he invite someone else?

  “Damn,” said Brendan. “It’s not like I have anyone to invite. The last time I invited a woman I only sort of knew, she got so drunk at the wedding I had to carry her out of there. I’m not doing that again.”

  “Do you think Rebecca would go with me?” Rhys asked and was almost shouted down as Justin, Brendan, and Callum all emphatically answered in the negative.

  “Well if you guys aren’t taking a girl, then I’m not,” said Justin. He was actually quite good-looking and had confided to me—while drunk, obviously—that his last girlfriend had cheated on him and he hadn’t been able to date seriously since then.

  Callum didn’t say anything. He shoved the invitation in his bag and grabbed his phone out, avoiding the conversation by checking to see if he had any messages. I looked over at Jimbo and the other team members—Nate, Scott, and Anthony. They’d all received their invites and I’d met their wives and girlfriends. I wondered if they even knew Callum was gay.

  We drifted out to the car park, as per our usual. I stood silently beside Callum as the boys wound up their conversations and decided that Saturday would be a night out instead of night in, then got in Callum’s car and went home with him. And the wedding wasn’t mentioned between us at all until ten days later, on Saturday night at Justin and Rhys’s, when Justin suddenly said, “Oh, yeah. We have to RSVP to Jimbo’s wedding by tomorrow. Are you guys all going?”

  “Yeah, I am,” said Brendan. “Stag though. I’ll have to let Nikki know it will only be me.”<
br />
  “We can all go stag,” Rhys said. “It will be just another Saturday night for us then. Only the food will hopefully be a little classier.”

  “And we’ll have to get a taxi home instead of just passing out,” Brendan joked.

  “Ha,” Rhys said, throwing one of the miniature basketballs that were scattered around the patio at him. “Speak for yourself. Last time it was—” He stopped suddenly and quickly looked around at me. “Ed,” he cried. “You didn’t get an invite. You won’t be there.”

  I was actually kind of chuffed he sounded put out. The guy had grown on me in the last two months, and I knew I’d miss his delightful dim-wittedness on certain subjects. We could always rely on Rhys to put his foot in it and make us laugh.

  “It’s okay,” I told him. “I’m sure you’ll survive one night without my charming persona.”

  Callum still hadn’t contributed to the conversation, so it was left to the other three to make a fuss about how I shouldn’t miss out and that they needed me to make the party palatable. Then Justin said, “Easy. You can go as Callum’s partner.”

  It heartened me that Brendan agreed immediately with this. Rhys looked a bit shocked. He opened his mouth to say something, then obviously thought the better of it and closed it again. I wondered if my antihomophobic messages were getting through, or whether maturity was catching up with him. With Rhys, you never knew whether it was going to be something stupid or goddamn-side-splitting funny. Beside me, Callum was conspicuously silent on the subject, so it left me to answer.

  “I don’t think so,” I said sadly.

  “Why not?” Justin said, frowning heavily and darting piercing looks in Callum’s direction.

  I looked down at my half-finished wine. I was steadily making my way through Justin’s collection. “For a start, I don’t think Callum’s ready to announce he’s gay like that. I don’t think anyone even knows on your team, do they?”

  Justin glanced at the other two and questioned, “I think Nate knows, doesn’t he?”

  They both shrugged. “I don’t think the subject ever came up,” Rhys said honestly.

  “Besides,” I continued heavily. “That sort of sets up expectations and explanations. If I go as Callum’s date, then people expect it is because we’re together. Then when they see us around at basketball, they will still expect us to be together and it will just set off too many explanations. No—it’s better if I don’t go.”

  Rhys gave me a perplexed look. “You mean you’re not together now?”

  There was that foot he was always putting in his mouth. “No,” I said calmly.

  “But you—” Rhys gestured towards Callum and went red.

  I stood up, picked up my glass, and finished the contents—a very nice Riesling. “That doesn’t make us together,” I told Rhys calmly. “That merely makes us horny. Now—I’m for a refill. Shall I fetch anything else while I’m in the kitchen?”

  I made my way inside and was surprised when I heard the door bang for a second time as someone followed me. It was Justin. He grabbed the water jug from the fridge and began pouring.

  “I’m sorry about my brother,” he muttered. “I don’t think he understands about the smaller intricacies of life.”

  I snorted as I poured my own drink. “Don’t stress it. There’s always a dumb one in each group. I’m just glad it’s not me for once.”

  Justin laughed then leaned back on the counter. I grimaced internally. He was settling for a long talk.

  “So would you go with Callum to the wedding if he asked?” he said.

  I shook my head. “No. For the reasons I stated.”

  Justin took a mouthful of his drink. “Would you go with me then?”

  The blood in my veins turned to ice and I stared at him. Was the best friend of the man I was in love with coming on to me? I stuttered, “N-no. The same reasons still apply.”

  “Oh, relax. I’m straight and you don’t do it for me. I was only asking so you would come along to the wedding. We want you there. You’re fun to have around.”

  Relief raced through me. Justin glanced out the door at the other three who were all engrossed in conversation, then said in a low voice, “Tell me, just what is going on with you and Callum? I mean, you went on a date and that didn’t work out, I get that. But now you’re pretty much spending all this time together—day and night. It’s rather like the first couple of months of dating, isn’t it?”

  I sighed deeply. “I really don’t know what’s going on with Callum,” I said quietly. “I don’t know what he’s looking for in a boyfriend. I simply know it’s not me, and—” I paused to take another deep breath. “I think I’m okay with that. Disappointed, but okay.” I took another sip of my wine. Sipping was good. When I gulped it down my tongue got a little loose. And—oh jeez—five minutes ago I’d swallowed half a glass, and now I was saying things I didn’t really mean to say. I thought about my conversation with Justin and cursed in my head. Obviously the wine was already coursing through me.

  “So what’s his problem?” Justin asked.

  “You guys,” I replied and then glowered at my very nice Riesling and my very loose tongue.

  “Us?” Justin’s expression was two parts surprise, one part hurt, and one part you’d-better-have-a-good-explanation. The problem was, I didn’t.

  I went for another sigh. “I still haven’t figured it out,” I confessed. “But it’s tied up with acceptance from the group. Which is you.”

  Now Justin was looking hurt. I’d come too far to back out.

  “Before I met you,” I started, “the only thing I knew about you was that you guys didn’t accept gay people.”

  “Of course we do,” Justin said angrily.

  I thought about that. “Maybe. Maybe a little on the surface, but every single gay joke you make shows that it’s not true acceptance. Every time someone is uncomfortable with the fact that Callum has a sex life, it’s not acceptance. When Rhys suggests that he would have to put on an act to be nice to Callum’s boyfriend, or is surprised that I like watching football, it’s another sign that you’ve never really had to think about the fact that Callum is gay and is probably hiding a heck of a lot of his life from you.” Justin looked thoughtful. “The good news is,” I rushed on, “that you guys have actually improved a heck of a lot in a short few months that I’ve known you. I can see you’re thinking before you speak now about certain topics. And even being able to discuss Callum taking me to the wedding without cracking a gay joke shows you understand better now.”

  I cringed, wondering if I had made things better or worse for Callum now.

  “So you mean,” Justin said slowly and meditatively, “you think that if we, as a group, told Callum that we were okay with the gay bit, then he’d ask you out?”

  Those words showed me that the hurt was still there inside me. “No. Not really. I think that there’s no chance of there being anything more between Callum and me than what there already is. He’s already told me that we’re just friends. There’s nothing more there. I’m obviously not what he wants and we should forget about that. But as for acceptance? I don’t think you need to say anything in particular. You need to show him. Show him somehow that you’re not going to shy away from celebrating his gayness. Be happy for him if he’s out on a date. Ask about his dates. Buy a rainbow flag and wave it at the Pride parade next month. Something that shows him you accept every part of him, not only the basketball, football, beer-drinking side of him.”

  Wow.

  My own teenage hurts were really coming out there. All the times an ex-friend had said that it was cool I was gay, as long as they didn’t have to see it. All the times my family had let me down.

  “There’s a Pride parade here in Perth?” Justin asked with interest.

  I was happy to move on to a new subject. “Absolutely. There’s a parade in Northbridge on a Saturday night next month. Every year it gets bigger. I’ve marched in it a couple of times. Even if I’m not marching, I go along to
show my support for those who are marching. And I drag all my friends along because, to me, them cheering with the rest of the crowd shows their total acceptance. It’s public. It’s loud. It’s absolute. And it’s the one night that I can be sure I can go to Northbridge and kiss my boyfriend in the middle of the street and I will be cheered instead of jeered.”

  Justin looked a little shocked at that. I hid a little grin and looked down at my glass.

  “I guess you never thought about that, did you? Did you know that I have to think about that every time I want to go out with a date? I have to think about whether I can kiss him in public, whether I can hold his hand. I have to think about whether I can damn well touch him in an intimate manner.” I was a little angry at the unfairness of the world.

  “I’m sorry,” Justin muttered.

  I was thankful for that. “It’s the world we live in. It’s unfair and it’s crappy and a lot of us are doing all we can to change that. We’re pushing for same-sex marriage and the rights of gay parents. We’ve got discrimination laws in place, but we have to keep up the fight to make sure they are adhered to. But it would be nice to relax our guard when we’re with friends. And I don’t think Callum thinks he can do that.”

  The door slammed again and Callum came in. “What’s this?” he asked boisterously. “Some sort of private meeting? Why was I not invited?”

  “Google the word private,” I said with a laugh. “I think you will find the answer.”

  Callum swung a fist as if to sucker punch me in the stomach. I instinctively flinched and went to protect myself a split second before my brain caught up and told me that he wasn’t going to hurt me. As I thought, he pulled his punch, not making contact, and laughed. It was one of those straight-bro acts I’d never understood.