The Birthday Wars
Page 5
OF COURSE, they didn’t come back in five minutes either, so Mr Macaloon said to Jenny and me, ‘You two girls go and look for the two girls who are looking for the two kids who are looking for the two girls who are looking for the two boys who are looking for the two boys who are looking for Jimmy Cook.’
Jenny and I found Kylie Babbage and Martha Wing pretty quickly. They were playing handball with Cassius Naroopta and Felix Poole. Apparently they hadn’t been able to find you ANYWHERE. But they found each other (and a random handball) and then they bumped into Ruby Foo and Loretta Daggs, who told them that half the class was already looking for you so don’t worry about it.
After that, I’m not exactly sure who Mr Macaloon sent out next, but Amelia Krantz said by the end, it was only her, Ryan Goodyear and Lucas Terrazzo left in class. And Mr Macaloon, of course.
Who found you, anyway? AND WHERE WERE YOU??? And one more question … why are you wearing REALLY small pants now?
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Let me tell you a little story …
Once upon a time there was an elephant named Plimmy. He was a pretty awesome elephant and everyone pretty much agreed about that. One day Plimmy was at school drawing a super-cool picture of a werewolf pigeon when this not-nice pelican teacher made him go and get his maths homework that he TOTALLY hadn’t done. Well, Plimmy’s actually a very clever elephant and he knew that to get homework you haven’t done, you pretty much need a space portal that can take you to another dimension.
So Plimmy decided to practise some cool space jumps instead, but unfortunately he tore a massive hole in his pants. Also unfortunately for Plimmy, he was wearing his super-embarrassing PRINCESS SNOW CONE UNDIES that day and the hole in his pants was so big that everyone would be able to see them.
But before Plimmy could do anything about it, all his friends started looking for him, so he had to hide in the lost property cupboard until they all went away.
While Plimmy was in the cupboard, he decided to find a new pair of shorts, but the only ones in there were preschool-sized shorts. But Plimmy didn’t have any other options, so he put on those stupid tiny pants and he’s BEEN STUCK WEARING THEM ALL DAY!
Yours embarrassingly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
OH DEAR. That’s too bad for ‘Plimmy’ (aka YOU) :O But don’t worry, the day is NEARLY OVER so then you can get out of those teeny tiny pants. :) They are making you walk a little bit strangely!
Some good news at least! I’ve awarded SO MANY class points today and everyone’s so glad that the stars are flowing again. I don’t think Mr Macaloon even knows what’s going on or why everyone’s being so helpful suddenly. BUT WHO CARES?! See you tomorrow and get some new pants!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
P.S. About the birthday problem … what about if we just flip a coin? If it’s heads, I get the party. Okay?
Dear Alice,
I never thought I would be so happy to be back in a pair of grey school shorts. Personally, I’d prefer to be wearing a three-piece suit and a captain’s hat, but today I’m just happy not to be wearing TINY pants. My mum actually gave the pants to my baby sister when I got home and they fit her just fine!
Yours satisfactorily,
Captain Jimmy Cook
P.S. Flip a coin? I don’t think I’ll be falling for that one! Let me tell you something about coin flipping, Alice. It’s totally rigged! Heads wins WAY more than tails (it’s just science and also magic, which is basically the same thing). That is unless you use an ancient Viking coin which is perfectly weighted, and unfortunately, I just used my last Viking dollar to buy a packet of sour fizz worms.
Dear Jimmy,
Fine, so we WON’T flip a coin, but we still need to find a fair way to MAKE you move your party. I’ve got my party planner coming tonight to measure my backyard for a giant rainbow teepee, so I really need to sort it out STAT (which stands for SERIOUSLY TURTLE ARMS TODAY). I have some RSVPs, but most kids won’t say if they’re coming because they still don’t know which party to go to! Soooo ridiculous (mine, obviously!).
Hey, I know … I’ll give you 20 STARS if you move it?
Dear Alice,
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. That’s me laughing. Hahahahahahaha. That’s me laughing again. I’ll give YOU 20 stars to move YOUR birthday. How about that? Now enough about that for a minute. I have a VERY serious question to ask you. Did you give Lucas Terrazzo 50 class stars for having matching socks???
Yours incredulously,
Captain Jimmy Cook
P.S. I think you’ll find STAT actually stands for SAD TOUCANS ATE TOAST. It’s Latin.
Dear Jimmy,
OMG! I thought YOU gave Lucas Terrazzo all those stars. I would NEVER give 50 class points for matching socks-that’s two stars at the most! Wait a second … if you didn’t give him those class points and I didn’t give him those class points, WHO DID? Certainly not Macaloon, because he’s been snoring most of the day while we colour in these stupid pot plants.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I most certainly DID NOT! Although spelling your own name correctly is an achievement that often goes unrecognised, I would NEVER award 72 class points for that. That’s WAY too many! Okay, something FISHY is going on … it seems like quite a few people in the class have got heaps of class points that we didn’t even give them, and I know Macaloon didn’t give them out, so who did??? Just look at Martin Baba and Derek Froon—they’re both covered in stars. I don’t know what’s going on here, but I’m going to find out. Good thing I’m an expert when it comes to solving mysteries like this. Here are my top three hunches:
1. They are all clones.
2. An invisible ghost is awarding class stars.
3. They aren’t actually class stars, but a kind of horrible starry skin disease.
Yours detectively,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
It’s none of those things. It’s WORSE than all of them! It’s the worst thing ever! We’ve accidentally started a craze! Word has totally gotten out that you can buy class stars at OfficePerks, and now everyone’s got them and they’re awarding themselves hundreds of stars for any old thing! OMG, I heard from Emily Hoskins that Kylie Babbage bought 25 BOXES OF STAR STICKERS and gave herself 200 STARS just for eating her own sandwich! :o She also gave Ruby Foo 152 STARS for being a good friend (which is sort of nice, but WAY too generous) and 126 to Casper N for lending her a pencil when hers broke! And it’s not like Casper N needs them. LOOK AT HIM. He’s covered in so many stars, they’re even on his bottom! I think we should make an official complaint.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Casper N,
Jimmy and I have noticed that you are COMPLETELY COVERED IN CLASS STARS. Jimmy and I are the ones in charge of the new class-star system while Ms Fennel is away, and we started the WHOLE thing. So the stars you are giving yourself ARE NOT official stars. Please stop awarding yourself stars for SILLY THINGS like going to the toilet by yourself. You don’t get class stars for stuff like that.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Jumping blackberries! Don’t be cross about it. This star craze is the best. Everyone loves it. You and Jimmy are the greatest for inventing it. Well done. I’m giving you both 100 class points each!
Casper N
Dear Casper N,
Well, thank you very much! It’s nice to be appreciated. I’m awarding YOU 100 class stars for being SUCH a nice guy.
Yours appreciatively,
Captain Jimmy Cook
DON’T DO THAT!
You’re just encouraging him! Casper N shouldn’t be handing out class points! Only the teacher (or us as the teacher’s unofficial official trusted representatives) can do that. Casper N CAN’T be trusted with class po
ints! He just gave himself 50 points for having an extra finger (which is actually just fake and made out of glue-tack)!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
He should have gotten more than 50 class points for that! Having six fingers on one hand is pretty rare, even if one of them is fake. Look, I think you need to face facts. I don’t think there’s any stopping Casper N. I should know—he’s the ONLY PERSON who’s ever beaten me in a mud-pie-eating contest. I think it’s time to admit: this is OFFICIALLY A CRAZE. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about a craze, it’s that there’s NO stopping it! It’s like a tsunami or a bullet train or an exploding dinosaur. Remember that time when everyone went crazy about that flossing dance? It only stopped when Henry Toobob ended up in hospital after he flossed so fast his hips got stuck and the teachers banned it!
Besides, you always say ‘Time to Shine’ and it looks like you’re actually right this time, because everyone’s so shiny now because they’re covered in stars.
Yours brilliantly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Well, they really HAVE TO STOP! It’s totally out of control! Everyone is covered in stars and it’s totally ruined the system. Jenny Philpot has given herself so many stars that she’s had to start putting them on her shoes. I CAN’T EVEN keep track of all these illegal stars! That’s it … I’m writing to her!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Jenny Philpot,
It has been reported that you are awarding YOURSELF stars. That is against the law. Only Jimmy Cook and I are supposed to be awarding stars because we are highly trained professionals. I heard that you gave yourself 322 stars for drawing eyes on your banana. Firstly, that’s quite odd. Secondly, that’s way too many points! So PLEASE stop awarding yourself stars immediately!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice!
I love writing notes, so thanks so much for writing to me (82 class points coming your way)! I think it’s cool that you and Jimmy always write to each other, but it’s also smart because it means you don’t have to talk to him!
About the stars! I’m sorry to say this, but I just can’t stop! I love this starry class point craze sooooooooo much. Thanks for inventing it!
Jenny!
Dear Jimmy,
What are we going to do!?!?! Everyone’s totally OBSESSED with stars. Also, just before, I tried to award Felix Poole a class star for putting his hand up and not just calling out, and he said that one star wasn’t enough anymore and that it’s gone up and that I would have to give him at least 44 stars for that now! :0 This star thing has got sooooo out of hand and I haven’t even had a chance to THINK about my birthday party plans!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I know how you feel. Ever since the star craze started, I’ve totally stopped work on my party games too. I really need to get back to drawing my ‘Pin the Pole on Antarctica’ game. It’s pretty awesome and I should probably give myself a few hundred stars for thinking of it.
Oh, guess what? I even heard from Conrad that OfficePerks has totally SOLD OUT of stars!
Yours surprisingly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
OfficePerks HAVE sold out! I went there yesterday with my mum to buy out all the class stars (I thought I could stop the craze and also use them for decorations at my party!), but they were all TOTALLY GONE! So then I made my mum take me to another OfficePerks, and they were sold out too! So we went to ANOTHER OfficePerks, and they were sold out as well! I have to say, this is really OUT OF CONTROL!
By the way, did I just see you give yourself like 100 gold stars for nothing??? Don’t tell me you’ve gone and caught the star craze too???
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I most certainly did NOT give myself 100 gold stars for nothing. It was 103 stars, and it was for drawing a pretty awesome picture of an Arctic explorer fighting a ghost whale.
I have to tell you, Alice, I’m a big fan of crazes, and this might be the best one yet. I think I’m ADDICTED to gold stars. Okay, I’ll say it. I’ve got gold fever!
Anyway, you’ve got to admit it’s a good thing. Even Macaloon has cheered up after Lucas Terrazzo covered his hat in class points for snoring like a walrus.
Yours thankfully,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
I guess that’s true, Mr Macaloon DOES look better with a bit of sparkle (although he totally doesn’t deserve it!). But everyone’s taken this star craze WAY TOO FAR. I’ve told so many people to stop awarding themselves stars, but no one is listening! Well, you know what they say—if you can’t beat them, join them. Starting right now, I’m giving myself a few hundred class points for helping make the school a brighter place! Also, Jenny Philpot told me that she’s already on 841 class stars, so I’d better be the first to make it to 1000!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Too late. Just awarded myself 584 stars for general awesomeness, taking me to a total of 1034. I never thought I’d say it, but by golly it sure is … Time to Shine!
This might be the best craze ever. And for once, it’s such a great craze and nothing can possibly go wrong!
Yours certainly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS
There have been a number of incidents of birds swooping due to students covering themselves in shiny stars. The birds are very attracted to shiny things and a number of students and one substitute teacher have been swooped. The teacher will not be returning due to medical reasons.
From now on, all gold stars are banned on school grounds.
Principal Shufflebottom
Dear Jimmy,
I was wondering where Mr Macaloon had gone! Who would have thought that all that sparkle would attract bird swoops! Apparently, Casper N and Emily Hoskins had to hide in the bike racks all through lunch and Lucas Terrazzo had to pretend to be a rubbish bin :0 But poor Mr Macaloon! Who would have thought that the birds would LOVE him and his stars sooooo much? I heard he’ll probably have to live underground or something until those pesky birds leave him alone :(
The good news of course is that Mr Macaloon is gone and Ms Fennel is back tomorrow! YAY! DOUBLE YAY! I can’t wait to start the 3D printing!
Ms Fennel is SURE to let us go first since we did such a great job with the class points!
Yours Troolie,
Alice Toolie
Good morning, Alice,
Or should I say, GREAT morning. Just look at that 3D printer. It’s so COOL! It’s so SHINY! It’s even in 3D! It looks exactly like it’s come from the future. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly where Ms Fennel got it from. I’ve been to the future a few times, so I should know.
I have to say, I am very excited about printing my 3D designs today, and I’m totally ready to get started ASAP (After Short Aardvarks Perch). I’ll just go and let Ms Fennel know that I’m ready to go first.
Yours readily,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
I can’t believe Ms Fennel is actually making us go LAST on the 3D printer! :( :( :( :( :( When she asked who was responsible for starting the star fiasco, of course I just thought she meant it as a compliment! So when we put our hands up, I was REALLY expecting that we would be getting a little award or a certificate for all our amazing work. After all, it’s not fault that Mr Macaloon got swooped! But she said we RUINED the whole class-point system and started chaos. I was expecting a thank-you and maybe a bunch of flowers or even a little trophy, BUT NO! And now we have to go LAST … the LAST of the LAST. I never, EVER go last. Things always turn into a total disaster when you’re involved!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
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br /> Look here, Alice Toolie, I’ll have you know that I am NOT the problem. It’s totally your fault that we have to go last on the 3D printer. If you had just MOVED your birthday party, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. But you were in such a hurry to print your fairy brains or whatever that you couldn’t just wait your alphabetical turn. Now I’m stuck watching Conrad print 3D wombat poo and WHO KNOWS when that will be finished?!
Yours outragedly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
That’s the most made-up thing I’ve like EVER heard, even more made-up than the time you said you were actually born on the moon and have a Lunar Passport to prove it (which just turned out to be FAKE anyway). It was totally YOUR idea to get class stars from OfficePerks!