Dark Grace

by M. Lauryl Lewis

  “Zoe, relax your legs, let your knees fall to the sides. I need to see what’s going on.”

  I tried to open my legs, but the back pain was too intense. I scooted myself up in the bed higher, sitting up against the headboard, and tried again.

  “Good girl. Just like that. You’re going to feel my fingers, ok? I need to pull your labia back so I can see its head.”

  I nodded, struggling with the pain of another contraction. As his fingers entered me, I felt intense burning and bit my lip to keep from yelling out.

  “Ok, ok, it’s ok,” soothed Gus. “She’ll be here soon, darlin.’”

  I arched my back in a feeble attempt to escape the pain.

  “No, Zoe, don’t be afraid of the pain. I need you to focus; push as hard as you can. The hardest part’s almost over, baby.”

  I took a deep breath as the next contraction began, sat up straighter, and pushed down as hard as I possibly could. My energy was divided between pushing and trying to not scream from the pain.

  “Keep going honey, she’s almost here.”

  I took another deep breath, and pushed into the pain that I had grown to hate with a passion. At last, I felt relief as her head was freed from my body. I fought to fill my lungs with air again, breathing quickly and deeply.

  “Look down, Zoe.”

  I opened my eyes and looked down to where my baby’s tiny body slid from me, and reached down as Gus placed her slippery body on my belly. I touched her softly as she lay on my chest.

  “It’s a girl,” whispered Gus.

  The pain of birth faded as I looked at her tiny face. Her eyes were open, bright, and beautiful. She stared at me and puckered her little pink lips as Gus began drying her with a bath towel.

  “Hi, Molly,” I whispered softly. “My sweet Molly.” I was shaking almost violently.

  Gus handed me a new towel. “Keep her covered with this; she needs to stay warm.”

  “Why isn’t she crying?” I asked, not taking my eyes off of her.

  “Hard to say, but she’s pink and breathing.”

  Her umbilical cord was dangling against my bare leg, and was growing eerily cold. It was a stark contrast to the warmth of the bundle on my chest.

  “I’m going to tie off her cord, Zoe, and cut it. We’ll need to deliver the placenta soon.”

  “Ok,” I mumbled, not really paying attention to anything except my new daughter. I was already in love with her, and in utter awe. She was sticking her tiny tongue out and nuzzling against my chest. Gus had talked to me throughout the pregnancy about what to expect, and I recalled this was a sign of hunger.

  “I think she’s hungry.”

  “See if you can get her to nurse.”

  “I don’t know how.”

  “I’ll help after we get the placenta out. For now just put her next to your breast; let her just hang out there.”

  I had already taken my shirt off in an attempt to cope with labor, so adjusted Molly on my chest until her cheek was against my breast. She nuzzled my nipple with her tiny mouth, and made desperate attempts to latch on. I used one hand to lift my nipple and helped her draw it into her mouth. She began sucking vigorously, making tiny grunting sounds as she did so.

  “She looks like a natural,” said Gus with a wink. “Congrats, Zoe. She’s beautiful.”

  “You think so?” I asked in a whisper with a smile.

  “Ayup. Just like her mama.”

  I looked back at my baby, who seemed content.

  “Ok, go ahead and just give another small push.”

  I bore down gently, and felt the placenta leave my body. Oddly, it was soothing.

  “Lift your bottom and I’ll put some clean towels down under you.”

  I used my legs to lift my bottom off the bed and let Gus tuck the towels underneath me.

  “You’ll keep bleeding for a while, like a heavy menstrual period. Nursing the baby will help.”

  “Does she look like she’s feeding ok?”

  “She sure does. Does it hurt at all?”

  “No.”

  “We all need to sleep for a couple hours. We’ll need to hit the road though as soon as we can.”

  “No rest for the weary, huh?” It was something my father used to say.

  “No rest for the weary,” he repeated gently.

  “Does she look alright?” I asked.

  “As far as I can tell. She looks pink, healthy, and like she’s full term. A little small, but healthy.”

  Gus covered me up with a clean blanket; making sure that baby Molly was also covered. Her little body was slightly cool against my warm skin.

  “She feels cool. Is there another blanket?”

  “You bet.”

  Within a minute, I felt the weight of a second spare blanket cover us. Molly continued to suckle and Gus spread himself out on the bed alongside us.

  “Zoe, I wouldn’t sleep unless I was dead tired and have to drive soon. Wake me for anything at all, ok?”

  Molly unlatched from my breast and yawned, followed by two tiny sneezes.

  “Bless you,” I whispered to her. I looked at Gus. “I will. I promise.”

  Molly was already asleep, appearing as tired as I felt. I imagined she had also worked very hard. Her breaths came in little shudders; not quite an even pattern.

  “She’s breathing funny,” I said.

  “Babies do that. I promise. Lay her between us so she doesn’t roll out of bed?”

  “Ya. Good idea.”

  Gus helped me move her and we both lay on our sides facing each other, and the baby.

  “I know I’m not the one you want to be sharing this with,” said Gus. “I promise I’ll help you find him.”

  My hand was resting on Molly’s belly, and I took comfort in feeling the irregular pattern of her breathing. Gus set his warm hand on top of my own. I was exhausted both physically and emotionally, so closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift off to sleep.

  CHAPTER 18

  When I woke, the room was quiet. I knew almost instantly that something was wrong. Gus was facing away from us, breathing softly. My hand was where I had left it, resting on Molly. She was still and the bundle beneath me was cold. She was so still. My core was instantly frozen and my head went numb, if that is possible.

  “Molly?” I squeaked out, my voice trembling. “Molly!”

  Gus sat bolt upright and I began shaking.

  “What’s wrong Zoe?”

  “Molly…she’s not moving.”

  I sat up in bed and watched as Gus unswaddled my baby. Her skin was so very pale gray. Her chest was unmoving and her tiny arms limp at her sides. I knew she was dead.

  “Oh God no,” I moaned. “Oh God, Gus, no…”

  I began choking on my own words as he hung his head.

  “Do something! Gus, please! Do something!” I pleaded.

  “She’s gone, Zoe. I’m so sorry.”

  “No, no, no...Gus! Do CPR. Bring my baby back! Oh God bring her back, Gus!” I continued to beg. “Please Gus, you have to help her!” I was clawing at his arms in desperation.

  “I’m sorry darlin’. She’s been gone for too long.”

  He tried to pull me to him to comfort me. I beat on his chest with my fists and wailed. He held me to him tightly, trying desperately to calm me. Eventually I lost the struggle and allowed him to cradle me in his lap. In time, I looked at him through the blur of my tears. I could tell that he, too, had been crying.

  “Why?” I finally asked, barely able to find my voice. “Why?”

  “I don’t know, baby. She looked perfect. I just don’t know.”

  “I already loved her so much,” I sobbed.

  “I know you did.” He kissed the top of my head and stroked my back. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Molly,” I cried out. My heart literally felt as if it was being ripped from my chest. “Oh God, my baby,” I sobbed.

  We sat together for a long time, not speaking, just holding each other. My tears fell until there were no
more.

  ***

  “I need to hold her,” I whispered against Gus’ chest.

  “I’ll wrap her and bring her to you, ok?”

  I nodded, not feeling like talking anymore. Gus picked Molly’s lifeless body up very carefully and with great respect. He held her like she was still alive, supporting her head in the crook of his arm. His eyes were red-rimmed and glistening with deep sadness. I adjusted myself so that I was sitting up, my back on the false headboard that was attached to the wall. I used the sheet that was crumpled nearby to wipe tears from my face and eyes. I watched as Gus set Molly on the foot of the bed and carefully wrapped her in a clean towel. Her tiny head was full of dark wavy hair, just like Boggs. It was a stark contrast to her deathly pale skin. I had never gotten to hear her cry. That thought almost sent me over the edge.

  At last, Gus brought my baby to me. She was a tiny bundle in the white hotel towel. She almost looked like she was just sleeping. Her eyes were closed. She looked so peaceful.

  “She looks like she’s just sleeping,” I said as he set her in my arms. “Oh, Molly. Oh God, please wake up,” I moaned mournfully. “Please, baby, just wake up.” I cried for several minutes, holding her close to my chest. I kissed her forehead, which felt ice cold. She was so limp, and so still.

  “Zoe, hun, we’ll need to leave soon.” Gus sounded worried. “There’s more Roamers passing by, too many for comfort,” he said as he was peeking through the curtains that covered the front window.

  “I can’t leave her,” I said.

  I heard Gus sigh. “We don’t have a choice. I wish we did, but we have to go.”

  “I won’t leave her here, all alone. She should be with Jane, or Louisa and baby Julio.”

  I knew what I was saying didn’t make any sense, but I wasn’t ready to let her go.

  “Ok. We’ll bring her with us, and find a place to bury her. Give her a proper burial.”

  Burying my newborn baby was the last thing I wanted to do, but at least he was going to allow me more time with her. I nodded.

  “Thanks,” I whispered.

  While I clung to Molly, Gus began packing basics for our trek. I put my nose close to the baby’s face and inhaled her scent, wanting to savor the memory forever. I don’t recall much of what happened after that. I found myself sitting in the car we had taken from the last town. Gus was strapping my seatbelt around me as I clung to the baby. We drove on in silence. Rain was falling again. The zombies traveling the highway had become more numerous, according to Gus, and he had to steer around several in our first few miles. The scenery never seemed to change as I stared out the window. I cried on and off. Gus gave me enough space to mourn, and for that I was glad.

  Eventually the rain gave way to sun breaks. As Gus wound the car around a two lane highway that hugged the contour of a beautiful lake with amazingly blue water, Molly began to move in my arms. I had ignored the buzzing in my mind as her life as the undead began. I looked down at her, my heart filled with a new sadness. I spoke for the first time since leaving the motel.

  “She’s awake now. She’s hungry.”

  Gus slowly pulled the car off the road, stopping beside a picnic area. He put it into park and opened his door, quickly stepping out. I watched Molly as she smacked her mouth. Her eyes blinked open. The deep blue color she had been born with was now clouded over. Her tiny arms were waving wildly, as if she were frustrated.

  “It’s ok, angel. Mommy’s here,” I whispered as hot tears fell down my cheeks.

  She answered in short grunts and attempted growls. I knew this wasn’t my baby anymore, but I wasn’t able to be cross with her. Gus opened my door and crouched down to talk to me.

  “I need to take her, Zoe.”

  I looked at him with pleading eyes. “Please, Gus, don’t hurt her.”

  “I’ll make it quick, I promise.”

  I knew he was going to end this part of her ‘life.’ I held her close to me, avoiding the tiny mouth that was searching for flesh. I kissed the side of her head. “I love you,” I whispered to her as Gus gently took her from my arms.

  He walked with her, still holding her as if she were my sweet human baby, and disappeared from my sight. I wanted to sob, to scream, to hit something, but was too numb. I knew she was gone, truly gone, when her rudimentary hunger disappeared from my mind.

  Gus arrived back at my side not long after.

  “Zoe, it’s over.”

  “I know.”

  “There’s a beautiful Madrona tree that overlooks the lake. I’d like to bury her there.”

  “Ok.” I didn’t want to ever let go of her, but ‘ok’ was all I was able to mutter.

  ***

  Gus dug the grave while I stood at the lakeshore, staring out across the water. Daylight was beginning to fade by the time he came to get me.

  “It’s ready, Zoe. Do you want to come over now?”

  “No. I just can’t.”

  “I think you need to, darlin’. This will be your only chance to say goodbye.”

  “I can’t watch you cover her with dirt.”

  “I’ll bury her, and then you can come say goodbye.”

  “Ok.”

  As he walked back to the open grave, I sat on the cold ground and pulled my knees to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs and lowered my head. I stayed like that until he returned. His hand on my shoulder signaled me to stand. We walked to Molly’s grave in silence, hand in hand. I felt so empty inside I might as well have been dead myself.

  The grave was so tiny. It sat under a Madrona tree, just as Gus had said. He had picked some fern fronds to set on top, since there were no flowers in bloom for the season yet. The thought of her under the dirt caused me to start weeping. Gus wrapped an arm around me. We said goodbye not in words, but just in thought and tears. I remember starting to shake and my knees feeling weak. After that everything went dark.

  CHAPTER 19

  When I woke, it was nearly full dark outside. Gus had pulled the car over and nudged me awake.

  “Where are we?” I asked.

  “Highway 112, almost to Clallam Bay. Looks like we’ll need to backtrack, though.”

  I looked out the front windshield and saw a massive crash site blocking our path. There were at least nine cars that I could count, in a tangled mess of crushed metal and shattered glass.

  “There were people trapped in the accident,” I said flatly. “There’s Roamers in that pile.”

  “Can you tell how many?”

  “At least five. They’ve been stuck in there for a long time. One of them remembers being killed by another; it remembers being eaten alive.”

  My brain was on fire with their hunger. Their signatures in my mind were stronger than I had experienced in weeks.

  “We might as well get out and stretch, and then head back to highway 101. I’m pretty sure highway 113 will get us past the crash but it’ll add a few hours onto the trip.”

  “Ok.”

  “Do you sense any dead that can get to us, or are they all trapped in the accident?”

  “They’re all trapped.”

  Gus opened his door and stood. I watched as he stretched. He leaned back down to the open door to talk to me.

  “Don’t get out until I’m over there to help you. You passed out at our last stop.”

  Memories of Molly’s tiny grave filled my mind. In a moment’s time Gus was beside me and had opened my door.

  “Ok, darlin’, let’s get you out.”

  I looked up at him and took hold of his hand. He held a white hand towel that he must have brought with from the hotel in his free hand. We walked to the side of the road. My legs felt shakier than I had anticipated. The air smelled of the sea and rotting flesh.

  “We need to empty your bladder, get you cleaned up, and find you some food soon.”

  “I’m not hungry,” I said.

  “You have to eat, Zoe. You’ve lost a bit of blood and already passed out once.”

  I looked down as G
us started to pull my pants down. I was too devastated to care, so allowed him to do so. I had one of the hand towels stuffed into my panties and was alarmed to see how bloody it was.

  “Hold my hands while you squat, darlin’. Empty your bladder and I’ll help you with a fresh towel.”

  “My pants are bloody,” I muttered.

  “Ya. I know. We’ll get you new ones as soon as we can.”

  “The Roamers can smell the blood. I need to get out of here soon before they give me a headache.” My hip and belly were also aching.

  It took longer to relieve myself that I had expected, but soon Gus had my towel changed and we were back in the car. We shared the last of our distilled water before turning the car around and heading back to Port Angeles.

  ***

  “I’m not liking being on the road after dark, Zoe. I think we should find somewhere to hole up for the night.”

  “There isn’t much out here,” I said lazily.

  “I saw an old motor home on the side of the highway not far from here. It might be a good bet.”

  “’Kay.”

  I didn’t care much where we ended up. All I wanted was my baby back in my arms. The next best thing would be dreamless sleep. We drove for about two miles before he spoke.

  “There it is.”

  I looked up half-heartedly and saw the motor home he spoke of. It was small and old with faded green stripes down the sides. The front end was flat with a large windshield. It was parked in a narrow turn off with just enough room for our car to park behind it. The manner in which it had been left there made me assume it had been abandoned mid route.

  Gus pulled the car to a stop and fiddled with the wires under the steering column until the engine shut off.

  “I want you to stay here with the doors locked while I check the RV out.”

  “I can come with,” I argued weakly.

  “No offense, but you’re so weak you’d get in the way if there’s trouble. I promise I won’t be long.”

  “I don’t sense anything, Gus. I don’t want to wait out here.”

  “Don’t argue. I’ll be right back. Lock the doors.”

  I sighed as he closed my door and walked away. I pressed the automatic lock button and watched Gus open the door and step up into the RV. I looked down at my belly, hating how my bump was no longer there. I wondered briefly if I might ever find joy or happiness in life again. Gus was back within a few minutes, and helped me out of the car. My legs still felt weak and the surrounding landscape spun around me slightly. I looked down and saw that my pants were covered in fresh blood.