Shelter in a Soldier's Arms

by Susan Mallery

He’d been so close, too. Ashley had opened up to him, telling him about her past. He knew enough of the world to be able to read what she didn’t say as much as what she did. He imagined a frightened girl of twelve, losing both her mother and her sister within a few months of each other. A teenager looking for love with boys who were clueless about what that meant.

  Somehow she’d survived, saving both herself and her daughter. She’d even kept her humanity—something he hadn’t been able to manage.

  He thought about how the light had played on her face, illuminating perfect skin, emphasizing wide hazel eyes. Her smile seemed to come from the heart. She was smart and determined, and thin in a way that made him wonder how many times she’d had money to feed her daughter, but not herself.

  Sometime that afternoon he’d come up with a plan to rescue her. He’d worked out the details and then he’d spoken without thinking and he’d insulted her. Because he had a need to fix, to mend. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t his business or that she wasn’t his problem. In an odd and dangerous way, he wanted to be responsible. Which meant that there was something wrong with him. He knew better than to get involved. His soul was too dead to allow for any kind of connection beyond the physical.

  Still, he had to make amends. He might not understand the extent of his transgression, but he would do his best to make it right.

  He walked through the house to the stairs and climbed to the second floor. He turned toward the guest wing, then paused when he saw Ashley sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. Faint light from her bedroom spilled into the hallway, illuminating the left side of her face.

  Desire rushed through him, making him need with an intensity that sucked the breath from his lungs. She was soft and sweet. Her gentleness called to him. As if he could risk being with someone gentle. As if she wouldn’t run in horror if she knew the truth about him, that in the deepest, darkest part of him, he’d ceased to be a man.

  She looked up at him and smiled slightly. “I was sitting here trying to talk myself into going back downstairs and apologizing. You’ve saved me the trip.”

  Her words didn’t make sense. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

  “What about the fact that I seriously overreacted? That should count for something. You were just being nice and I took it wrong. At least I assume you were being nice.”

  Nice? Him? “I was trying to do the right thing. I need a housekeeper and you need to make a change in your work.”

  She wrinkled her nose. “You do like telling me what to do. Is this a military thing or a male thing?”

  “Both.”

  “Figures.” She sighed. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate the offer, Jeff.”

  “But you don’t trust me.”

  Her gaze sharpened. “It’s not that exactly.”

  But it was that. He could read it in her eyes. She wanted to believe and she wasn’t sure. Could he blame her for that?

  I want you.

  The words remained unspoken, but they burned inside of him. He wanted and he needed with equal intensity. He wanted to inhale the scent of her body, touching her everywhere. He wanted to feel the silk of her short, dark hair and taste her mouth. He wanted to fill her until they both forgot everything but the heat of the moment.

  Instead he drew in a slow breath. “The offer still stands. I hope you’ll reconsider.”

  “I can’t.”

  He wanted to ask why. He wanted to know how she’d figured out the truth about him so quickly. How had she learned that the safest course for her was to run away? He wanted to protest her decision, telling her that she was the closest to caring that he’d come in years. That when he was with her and Maggie, sometimes he forgot he wasn’t like everyone else.

  What he said instead was “Let me know if you change your mind.”

  And then he walked away, because if he didn’t, he would say something he would regret. He might even tell her the truth.

  The next morning Ashley carefully replaced the phone in the cradle when what she wanted to do was throw it across the room and stomp her feet. She hadn’t thought it was possible for her life to get any worse, but she’d been wrong. One brief sentence had turned her world upside down. Just one sentence.

  “Your apartment building has been condemned.”

  With that, her home was gone. The city official had been very polite, offering assistance in finding a new place to live. However, there were no plans to help her with the costs of moving, nor was she likely to find such low rent. She was completely and totally screwed.

  The timing was incredible. Just last night she’d told Jeff they would be moving out in the morning. Mostly because she’d expected her apartment to be habitable by now. Talk about being completely wrong.

  She wanted to go back to bed, pull the covers over her head and wait for the world to go away. Unfortunately that wasn’t likely to happen. Instead she had a child to worry about, and classes, not to mention solving her living arrangement issue.

  She left her bedroom and moved toward the stairs. Smile, she told herself as she walked down the hall. Jeff mustn’t know she was in such dire straits and she didn’t want Maggie worrying, either.

  She stepped into the kitchen to find her daughter and Jeff having breakfast together. Neither of them looked up, although she was reasonably confident that Jeff knew she’d arrived. She ignored the man sitting at the table and instead focused on her daughter.

  She’d dressed Maggie in her favorite pink corduroy overalls with a matching pink-and-white kitten-print shirt. She’d washed her daughter’s face, helped her with her shoes and socks, but she hadn’t had time to do her hair. Yet Maggie’s curls were drawn back from her face with two tiny, plastic, pink barrettes. They weren’t even, or anchored to last the day, but they were in place.

  There was no way her daughter had managed to fasten them in her hair, which left only one possibility. Ashley’s gaze slid to her host. Jeff was in a suit, as usual. In fact she didn’t remember seeing him wear anything else. His white shirt was starched, his tie perfectly in place. He was showered, shaven and ready to start his day.

  The breadth of his shoulders spoke of his strength. His firm mouth barely smiled. Yet he’d taken the time to fix a little girl’s hair. Something he’d done before. Maggie wasn’t afraid of him. If anything, she adored Jeff. She’d trusted him from the first moment they’d met. Was that the intuition of a trusting child, or the hunger of a fatherless girl to interact with a substitute male? Ashley knew generalities about Jeff—that he was a former soldier, a dangerous man who excelled in a potentially deadly occupation. But what did she know about the person inside? What was his story?

  “Mommy?” Maggie had looked up and seen her in the doorway. “I’m eating all my cereal.”

  “Good for you.” Ashley raised her chin slightly. “Jeff, may I speak to you for a second?”

  He nodded and rose to his feet, then joined her in the hallway. “Is there a problem?” he asked.

  She stared into gray eyes. She couldn’t read him any better than she had when she’d first arrived. “I talked to someone from the city just now. Did you know my apartment building had been condemned?”

  His gaze never wavered. “No, but I’m not surprised. The water damage looked extensive.”

  “I have to find a new apartment.”

  He folded his arms over his chest. “Do you have the money?”

  “No.”

  She waited for him to pounce—to again make the offer of a job she was going to have to take. Because in some strange way, she was testing him.

  “All right. I’ll write you a check to cover the costs. Pay me back when you can. After you graduate from college is fine.”

  Not the offer she’d expected at all. She sagged against the door frame. “Who are you, Jeff?”

  “Why does it matter?”

  Because he was making her want to believe in him and she’d learned to never believe in anyone but herself. Besides, he couldn’t have ma
de it more clear he wasn’t the least bit interested in her skinny self.

  A knock at the front door interrupted them. Maggie rushed past, eager to greet Brenda. Ashley turned away from Jeff without answering his question and hurried after her daughter.

  Brenda was already inside the house and hugging the little girl. “It’s raining this morning,” she said. “You’re going to need a jacket.”

  “I know where it is!” Maggie announced, turning around and racing toward the stairs. “I’ll get it, Mommy.”

  “Thank you, sweetie,” Ashley called after her, then went to speak with Jeff’s assistant.

  Brenda smiled at her as she approached. “I know you’re feeling better, but I appreciate you letting me take her to school this morning. I just adore her.” The older woman sighed. “Grandkids are the best and Maggie is just as sweet as my daughter’s little girl.”

  “You’re more than welcome.” Ashley glanced over her shoulder to make sure they were still alone, then invited the other woman into the living room. “I need to ask you a question,” she said. “It’s probably going to sound a little strange and I apologize if it makes you uncomfortable.”

  Brenda settled on a beige sofa and grinned. “Now I’m wildly intrigued. Go ahead.”

  Ashley checked again to make sure no one lurked in the hallway, then joined her guest on the couch. “To be blunt, can I trust Jeff? Through an assortment of circumstances, I’m in a difficult situation right now. Jeff has offered me a job as his housekeeper. It would mean living here with my daughter. On the one hand it’s a great opportunity. The money is good, the house is terrific. But I don’t know him very well and I do have a young child to be concerned about.”

  “Don’t worry about Jeff at all,” Brenda said, lightly touching her forearm. “I know he’s a little formidable and he doesn’t talk about himself, but he’s a great guy. I’ve known him for nearly five years and I would trust him with my life. Better, I would trust him with my grandkids’.”

  Which was what Ashley needed to know. “Thanks for telling me.”

  Brenda tilted her head slightly, then tucked a strand of blond hair behind her ear. “At the risk of being presumptuous, I do have one more thing to say.”

  “Which is?”

  “He’s not a people person, so don’t expect witty banter. And he’s very solitary. As far as I know, he hasn’t had a serious relationship in the past five years. So don’t even think about giving away your heart.”

  Ashley smiled. “Not a problem. I’m not interested in getting involved.”

  While she might find the man sexy and appealing on a physical level, emotionally she knew better than to risk her feelings again. If she ever did that again, it was going to be with someone who could love her more than anyone else in the world.

  “Then you should be just fine.”

  Maggie burst into the living room. She had her jacket dragging from one arm and her backpack trailing from the other. “I’m ready,” she announced.

  Ashley laughed. “Not exactly, young lady. Come here.”

  In less than five minutes, Maggie was ready to leave for school. Ashley kissed her goodbye and promised to pick her up promptly at two. Brenda gave her a quick wave and a thumbs-up, then they left. Ashley was alone with Jeff. It was decision time.

  She found him in his office, packing his briefcase. Had he worked into the night? she wondered. She hadn’t been able to sleep much, mostly because she’d been thinking about his offer and how badly she’d acted. What had kept him up through the long dark hours?

  She knocked on the open door, then stepped inside. “Do you have a minute?”

  “Of course.”

  He motioned for her to take one of the seats in front of his desk. She did, choosing the one she hadn’t sat in the night before. He relaxed into his chair.

  She licked her lips. “I want to ask if your offer is still open.”

  “For the loan?”

  “No. The job.”

  He raised his eyebrows and nodded instead of speaking.

  Good. At least she hadn’t blown it so much that he’d changed his mind.

  “I’m interested,” she told him. “But I need to know why you’re bothering. You could get someone in here a couple of times a week to do the cooking and cleaning. Why a full-time live-in housekeeper and why me?”

  He didn’t answer right away. Instead he seemed to consider the question. Which made her squirm in her seat. Was she being inappropriate with her questions? Would he get angry? Did she want to work for him if his temper had such a short fuse?

  “I know you well enough to trust you in my house,” he said at last. “Besides, I like your daughter.”

  Her nerves were frayed. One snapped. “Then have a couple of kids of your own.”

  Thoughtful gray eyes turned toward her. “I can’t.”

  She’d been expecting half a dozen answers, but not that one. “I don’t understand.”

  “I have a low sperm count. It makes conception highly unlikely.”

  She blinked. Her mind seemed to sway slightly as a couple hundred questions formed in her mind. How had he known? That wasn’t the sort of information one learned in a routine examination. He had to have been tested for fertility. Which meant what? That he’d been trying to get someone pregnant at one time? So at one time…

  “You were married?”

  A slight smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “I know that’s hard to believe.”

  “No, it’s not that.”

  Although it was. She couldn’t imagine Jeff on bended knee, proposing. And married? As in living with a woman? Being casual in jeans, maybe, or walking around unshaven, wearing a robe? It boggled the mind.

  “I was married for several years. We tried to have children. When she didn’t get pregnant, we were both tested. The fault was mine.”

  Was that why he wasn’t married anymore? Was that— She realized that it was none of her business. “I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I didn’t mean to pry.”

  “I understand your concern. While I like Maggie, I don’t think of her as a substitute daughter.”

  He picked up a pen and studied it. On anyone else, Ashley would swear the action was a stall for time. Finally he set the pen down.

  “I don’t make a habit of being a nice guy, which is why I’m doing this so badly,” he said. “You work for me. I have no intention of firing you. If you want a loan for relocating to another apartment and your old job back, you’re welcome to both. If you’d like to try being my housekeeper on a trial basis, that’s fine, too. I don’t want anything from you or your daughter.” He paused. Something dark passed across his face. “If you’re looking for an explanation for my actions, think of them as atonement.”

  “For what?”

  He shrugged. “I’m damn good at what I do. I was better as a soldier. That comes with a price.”

  She didn’t want to ask anymore because she didn’t want to know what he’d done. She remembered the article that mentioned his time in Special Ops. There were hints about covert assignments. Assassinations. Secret battles.

  He was dangerous. She knew that in her head, but she couldn’t feel it in her heart. As if she was exempt from the ruthlessness. Was that possible?

  “I have a small child,” she said. “Considering your line of work, I’m assuming you have guns in the house. Will she be safe?”

  Instead of answering in words, he rose to his feet. At the far end of the room, he touched a book on a shelf and the entire bookcase swung open. Ashley rose and followed him. He pointed to the large safe built into the wall.

  “There’s no key or combination lock. It requires a retinal scan. The mechanism has its own power source so it won’t be disabled by an electrical blackout. Everything dangerous is kept in there.”

  She thought about asking what all might be in inventory, but figured she was better off not knowing.

  “Maggie is perfectly safe,” he said. “I wouldn’t let her stay here otherwise.”<
br />
  Ashley shivered. She wanted reassurance that she would be safe, too.

  “I’d like the housekeeper job,” she said, shoving her hands into her jeans pockets and taking a step back. “Just for a couple months, until I get my feet under me.”

  “Fair enough.” He closed the bookcase. “Are you interested in the accounting work, as well?”

  In for a penny, as they say. “Yes.”

  “Good.”

  He stared at her. Something flickered against his irises. For a second she would have sworn she saw fire—the kind that burned bright from passion’s desire. If he had been any other man, she would have thought he was interested. But not Jeff. Certainly not in her.

  Chapter Seven

  It took Ashley less than forty-eight hours to invade his world. Jeff had always had a biweekly cleaning service that took care of the house and washed his sheets and towels, but now he had a housekeeper.

  Ashley took her work seriously. Pieces of furniture that had simply been dusted were now polished. Surfaces gleamed and the scent of lemon filled the air. He found vases of flowers on tables and light filtering in through sparkling windows. His sheets and towels were softer, his cupboards stocked with food and meals had become multi-course and nutritional. When he gave her accounting work, she did it quickly and accurately, returning it to him the following day.

  Jeff hadn’t realized how careful she’d been to keep to herself while she was simply a guest in his house. Now her presence was everywhere. Her perfume lingered in the hallway. A couple of Maggie’s toys found their way to the family room. Schoolbooks stacked up on an end table. It was as if a family lived here.

  A family. The concept was unfamiliar. He knew intellectually that there had been a time when he’d belonged to a family. He’d been born to parents who lived in suburbs, just like regular people. Jeff knew he’d been a part of that world once—playing sports in high school, hanging out with his friends. But those memories weren’t real to him. It was as if he’d seen a movie about someone’s past. A past that happened to be his own. He couldn’t relate to those images and he didn’t know how to act now that he was no longer alone.