The Convent

by Maureen McCarthy

  Stella and I are wandering around outside calling her name and asking if anyone knows where she is.

  We don’t find her amid the small cohort of smokers standing about in the courtyard directly outside the exhibition space, so we check the ground-floor toilets.

  When they prove empty we rush off around to the front of the convent into the lovely garden leading down to the river. When we come back round to the door of the reception room, Cassie is waiting for us.

  ‘You found her yet?’

  We shake our heads. Stella suddenly takes a few steps away from us, her strange expression illuminated by the yellow outside light.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Oh God.’ Ever the drama queen, Stella’s mouth falls open.

  ‘What?’ Cassie asks.

  ‘I’ve got this feeling,’ she says.

  ‘What kind of feeling?’ Cassie stares at Stella, who has this I’ve-just-seen-a-ghost sort of look on her face. ‘She can’t!’ Cassie wails. ‘Not now!’

  ‘I’ll go check her room,’ Stella offers.

  Cassie raises her eyes to heaven and then pushes back through the crowd to where the microphone is. I’m caught between her and Stella. I know I probably should try to help Cassie out, but instead I follow Stella. We look up, and sure enough, a yellow light is shining through the window on the second-floor room that is Det’s studio. We turn to each other.

  Stella is off, running towards the side door of the building that leads up into Det’s wing. I begin to follow but a familiar voice makes me stop.

  ‘Hey, Peach.’

  I turn around to see Fluke standing there looking so very cool that I actually stop a moment to take him in. He’s wearing jeans, and both his hands are tucked into the pockets of a really nice leather jacket.

  ‘What’s the hurry?’ he says, not smiling.

  I hesitate only a moment, and then on a mad impulse I rush over to him. He steps back in surprise as though I might be going to strike him, and we stare into each other’s eyes, our faces only inches apart.

  ‘I miss you,’ I say quickly.

  His eyes drop to his feet as he considers how to respond to this piece of news, but I don’t wait.

  ‘Where are you going?’ he yells after me.

  ‘Got to find Det.’

  It crosses my mind that all that exercise in the morning has been doing a lot for Stella, because I’m finding it pretty hard keeping up with her as she pounds up the stairs. Both of us are breathing hard by the time we get to the dim corridor of the second floor.

  Without knocking we simply push the door open to find Det kneeling on the floor, her bum resting on her heels, one hand cradling her belly and the other hanging tightly onto the leg of her desk. There is a shiny film of perspiration over her face, but she manages a wry smile.

  ‘I’d better go to hospital,’ she says.

  ‘Okay. I’ll call an ambulance.’ I try to sound reassuring. Then I realise that after talking to Dad, I put my phone in my bag and stashed it with Cassie’s stuff at the back of the gallery. I look at Stella, who stares back blankly and shrugs. Unbelievable.

  Det suddenly begins to groan, and that makes us both panic.

  ‘Peach,’ she gasps, ‘I need to go to hospital!’

  ‘Okay,’ I say, still trying to sound like I’m in charge. ‘I’ll just go down and find a phone and we’ll get you there, okay?’

  Det reaches up and clutches my hand really tightly as though she is suddenly very scared.

  ‘No, don’t leave me here.’

  I look at Stella, who nods. But Det grabs her too.

  ‘No, please don’t go. Not now, I need both of you!’ She is groaning, sitting on the floor with her back against the wall, her knees up, whimpering with pain.

  Stella and I look at each other. I’m suddenly in complete panic. Everything I’ve ever learnt about birthing has just flown straight out of my head. I really have no idea if the birth is imminent or the level of pain has simply intensified or … there is no way I’ll be able to cope with this. None. I have no idea what we should do.

  ‘Det, one of us has got to leave and get help,’ Stella says softly into her ear.

  ‘No no.’ She is sweating and groaning and hanging onto both of us tightly. ‘Please don’t go yet. Just ring for an ambulance.’

  ‘But we don’t have—’ I pull myself away from her clammy hands and go to the window. The launch is still in full swing down there inside the brightly lit room, and there are maybe a couple of dozen people milling around out on the lawn. I spot Fluke walking towards them. I pull up the sash and the talk and laughter drift up in through the open window.

  ‘Call an ambulance!’ I yell down.

  No one hears, or if they do they don’t take any notice and so I try again, this time louder. ‘Fluke!’ I scream down. ‘Up here!’

  He looks up to where I’m hanging half out the window and changes course towards me.

  ‘Call an ambulance!’ I shout.

  ‘What?’ He comes nearer.

  ‘Call a fucking ambulance. Now!’

  ‘Why? Are you okay?’

  ‘Just do it!’ I scream. ‘It’s the baby! Hurry. Tell them it’s an emergency!’

  He gives me the okay sign and pulls his phone from his pocket.

  When I turn back to the room I see that Stella and Det are laughing, but I don’t ask why because by the time I’m kneeling down on the other side of her, Det is beset with another long excruciating contraction that has her gasping and grabbing me so hard that the bones in my hand feel as if they might break.

  ‘Ambulance on its way, Detto,’ I whisper. ‘Fluke will show them where to come. Try to stay calm.’

  She snorts, as though staying calm might be beside the point, and continues groaning.

  ‘Is it terrible, Det?’ Stella asks simply.

  ‘Yep,’ Det says through gritted teeth. ‘It’s pretty bad.’

  Unlike me, Stella seems to know instinctively what to do. She grabs a couple of cushions, puts them behind Det, and then, kneeling on one side of her, puts an arm of support around her back and the other under Det’s knees.

  ‘Get on the other side,’ she orders me. ‘Its okay, Det,’ Stella says calmly. ‘You’re doing good and you’ll be in hospital really soon.’

  It goes on like this for a few minutes. I’m trying to keep time but I’ve forgotten why. All I know is that the contractions are coming really fast on each other. Det is sweating and groaning.

  At almost exactly the time we hear the ambulance siren, Det give a really loud scream.

  ‘Something is happening,’ she shouts loudly, her eyes wide with fear. ‘Oh sweet Jesus! Oh shit … Oh this is fucking crazy! Help me!’

  I go to the window and look out. Behind me I hear Stella telling Det softly, ‘It’s okay, baby. They’re here now. We can see them. And you’re going to be okay.’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Det is half screaming now. ‘This is too much for me! I can’t do this. This is terrible.’

  ‘Yes, you can!’ says my magnificent sister. ‘Come on, baby, lie on your side a bit, that’s right, curl up your legs and look at me, hold my hand. That’s right. And we’re going to breathe in and out together. Okay?’

  ‘Okay,’ Det sobs.

  From the second floor I look down to see that the ambulance with all its flashing lights has arrived. Luke will tell them where to go. Relief fills my whole body and I start to shake.

  ‘Hold on, Det. They’ll be here any minute.’

  ‘I can’t hold on!’ Det screams at me. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Okay. Okay.’

  There is the sound of feet thudding along the corridor outside. I fly across the room to let them in. But it’s Cassie, looking dishevelled.

  ‘Oh God! God!’ Det yells again. And begins to gasp and strain.

  Two ambulance officers follow Cassie though the doorway, holding a stretcher, blankets and a black case of equipment.

  ‘Well, well, well!’ the middle-aged
woman smiles as she comes into the room. ‘So what have we here?’

  ‘Hospital, immediately,’ I snap.

  ‘I’m Penny and this is Tony,’ the woman says, ignoring me.

  We all just look at her as though she’s completely mad. What do we care what their names are when Det is lying here … dying!

  ‘Please,. I’m sobbing now myself, and I grip Det’s hand again.

  ‘It’s okay, love,’ the woman says calmly and I … just want to slap her.

  ‘And now who is our patient?’ the woman asks mildly as she kneels down next to Det.

  ‘Det,’ the rest of us roar. ‘But hurry! Please take her. Get her out of here.’

  But the woman doesn’t hurry. All her movements are assured, and I suppose that has the effect of calming the rest of us down. She kneels and gently checks over Det’s belly.

  ‘Hi there, Det,’ she says. ‘How are you feeling, darlin’?’

  Between moans, Det answers her as best she can.

  The woman asks a few more questions as she times the pains, and then the guy kneels on the other side and they both listen with the stethoscope and confer quietly, all the while murmuring reassuringly to Det.

  The rest of us watch apprehensively, longing for the moment when they’re going to hoist her onto that stretcher. But when they look under Det’s dress I see the surprise on their faces.

  ‘Oh.’ The woman smiles.

  ‘Please get her to hospital,’ Cassie says desperately.

  ‘No time, love. This baby is ready now.’

  Oh God. Stella and I look at each other and we start to move away at the same time, but the ambulance woman motions us back.

  ‘Stay where you are, girls,’ she says calmly. ‘I just need to ring back to base. Just stay holding hands with her, will you?’ She smiles at us. ‘You’re all doing so well.’

  And so we hold Det’s sweaty hands as the young man lifts her onto a couple of sterile sheets and puts more pillows behind her. She grunts and moans and continues to grip our hands.

  ‘You’re doing well, love,’ the young man says, so kindly. ‘Really good.’

  ‘Fantastic,’ the woman interrupts her phone call to agree.

  ‘I never knew having a baby would be so noisy,’ Stella whispers to me.

  Minutes tick by slowly. The grunts and groans, the puffing and shrieking are so visceral that it feels a bit like hell. When there is a knock on the door Cassie gets up.

  The woman calls to her from where she is kneeling next to Det on the floor.‘We don’t need any more people in here, sweetie,’ she says calmly. ‘Perhaps you can tell whoever it is there that we’ll be done soon?’

  ‘Okay.’ Cassie’s face is the colour of chalk. ‘I’ll just stand guard outside, okay?’

  Cassie wants to be as far from the action as is politely possible and I have to say that I feel the same. As I’m thinking about scrambling to my feet to join Cassie, the pace suddenly changes.

  Det begins to pant as if she is running hard, rocking back and forward, and the woman pulls Det’s dress up to her chest and …

  I see it.

  I see the head come out first. Then along with a lot of sobbing and grimacing, and gasping and pushing from Det, the whole body sort of plops out into the waiting arms of the paramedic! It sounds like a wet foot being extracted from a rubber boot.

  Stella and I hang onto Det and each other, watching spellbound, our mouths hanging open. The little one has struggled free, all bloody, gasping and mewing like a cat, covered in all kinds of mucky stuff, and doesn’t seem to be all that impressed with the surrounds. But there is thick black hair on the head and fingernails on every finger and with the first cry I realise the truth of what I’ve just seen …

  How amazing to think that every single person on the earth started this way! How could it be that all of us were this small and bloody and helpless? It doesn’t seem possible. I’m so stunned I can’t speak.

  ‘A boy, Det,’ Stella whispers. ‘You’ve got a boy.’ She is right. Along with the amazing little round head covered in the black fluffy hair, the arms, tiny hands and feet and legs and round belly, there are testicles and a tiny penis.

  Stella and I are both crying as we plant tearful congratulatory kisses on Det’s brow. Down the other end the woman and the young man do what they have to; cutting the cord I suppose, and helping to expel the rest of what has to come out.

  Det is lying back, completely out of it. The young man, Tony, lifts the squirming baby up onto her tummy and whispers encouragingly. Det takes hold of the babe, cradling the little bottom, the other hand around his head, but she doesn’t open her eyes.

  Cass comes back into the room along with Nick, who was outside. The two of them stand by the door looking on in awe.

  ‘Baby is fine,’ the woman says softly, wiping Det’s forehead with a sponge. ‘Breathing well and a good weight. You’ve done so well, Det.’

  At last, Det opens her eyes and looks down at the baby, but she doesn’t smile or laugh. In fact, she frowns as she examines the tiny hands and feet and then she tips the baby to the side a certain way so she can see his face, and then, after checking him all over, holds him out for the woman to take.

  ‘Keep holding him, love.’

  ‘No, no thanks,’ Det whispers. The woman takes the baby and sponges him down a little and then wraps him in a couple of little white blankets. She puts an encouraging arm around Det’s shoulders and urges her again to take the baby.

  ‘Such a little beauty.’ The woman’s tone is very gentle. ‘Isn’t he?’

  ‘Yes.’ Det leans forward and runs her thumbs over the baby’s closed eyes.

  ‘You want him back?’

  ‘No.’ Det lolls back again and closes her eyes.

  I realise then that even up to the last ten minutes the whole idea of this baby was just a dream, plainly ridiculous. From the time she first told me she was pregnant I was secretly hoping that something might happen so she wouldn’t have to go through with it. But he is here now. No longer just an idea or a vague notion or a plan; he’s here and he’s as real as the desk in the corner. In fact, this is the most real thing I think I’ve ever seen. I am beside myself, desperate for her to hold this little being she has just produced.

  Come on, Det. Come on.

  Nick comes forward and kneels down next to Det and holds out his arms for the baby. The nurse places the swaddled infant carefully into the crook of his arm and the rest of us crowd around Nick shyly for a better look. I can see that the two ambulance officers have become a little perturbed about Det’s seeming disinterest in the baby. They smile as they watch us touching the baby’s head, and then when Stella insists on a hold they help Nick pass the baby over, but I can see they’re waiting for Det to return from wherever she is behind her eyes to claim him back.

  Two more paramedics arrive with a special wheelchair.

  ‘Time we moved,’ Penny says after it has all been set up. ‘Time to get you two to hospital. What about you hold baby on the way down?’

  Det takes her baby then. She doesn’t gush or cry or even smile, but she holds the baby firmly as she is shifted onto the wheelchair and then she seems to close her eyes again as they wrap blankets around her.

  ‘Will you hold him for me, Stella?’

  Stella looks at the woman, who gives her the nod, and Stella takes the baby.

  ‘Okay.’ Penny smiles at Det as she tucks in the blankets and packs up her things. She waves around at us all. ‘You’ve got brilliant friends, Det.’

  Det opens her eyes and stares at her, then looks around at us as though she can’t quite remember where she is or how she got there.

  Once she is in the lift with the paramedics and Stella, who is holding the baby, the rest of us rush for the stairs outside to watch her being put into the back of the ambulance.

  The ambulance officer takes the baby from Stella and puts him back in Det’s arms.

  ‘You want anyone with you, love?’ Tony asks.


  ‘I’ll come, Det,’ I say immediately, ‘if you want. Stella and me?’

  ‘That’s a great idea.’ Penny smiles at us.

  Det shakes her head. ‘No,’ she whispers.

  ‘You sure?’ I take her hand.

  Det nods closes her eyes. I motion to the woman that I want a minute with Det. She moves out of the way and I climb all the way into the ambulance.

  ‘Det,’ I say softly, squeezing her hand, ‘will you be okay being admitted to hospital on your own?’

  She nods and squeezes back.

  Stella climbs in on the other side of her.

  ‘Thanks, Peach, but …’

  ‘But …’

  ‘But what?’

  ‘I’d better warn you,’ she whispers, ‘that I’m probably going to bow out pretty soon.’

  ‘You mean?’ This is unthinkable now. Panic grips me. I shake my head, lost for words. She can’t do this! Not now … Not now we’ve seen him. I look at Stella.

  ‘I’ll only fuck it up,’ Det mumbles.

  ‘You won’t, Det,’ Stella says calmly.

  ‘I’m a head case.’

  ‘You’re a fantastic person.’

  Det opens her eyes and grins at us both and it’s like the old Det has come back for a moment.

  ‘I don’t think so.’ She smiles and closes her eyes.‘Not so fantastic.’

  By this stage some of the launch guests are crowding around, most of them half-pissed, shouting out congratulations and best wishes. Stella and I climb out of the ambulance.

  ‘Have you got a name?’ someone shouts as the ambulance doors are about to close.

  Det shakes her head sadly.

  The doors slam shut and the ambulance reverses out through the gate. Cassie, Nick, Stella and I rush out onto the street to wave her off.

  Once the ambulance disappears, Cassie rushes back to the launch to take care of things. So it’s just us three left, Nick, Stella and me, walking slowly back towards the convent. None of us speak.

  ‘If she doesn’t want him, I do!’ Stella suddenly yells before bursting into a flood of tears.

  ‘You’ll have to fight me for him,’ Nick says, his voice hoarse with emotion, and puts his arm around Stella.

  ‘And me,’ I say quietly. They don’t hear me. But it’s true. I mean it. That baby is ours now. He belongs to us all.