Two Wrongs Make a Marriage

by Christine Merrill

  It was only when she opened her mouth that Thea worried, for there was no telling what she was likely to say.

  ‘Mother,’ she said, her tone low so as not to carry to other parts of the house. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I heard the most interesting rumour at the ball last night,’ her mother responded, her eyes full of devilment. ‘And strangely enough, it concerned me.’

  ‘About that...’ Thea tried to think of a logical place to begin the story.

  ‘Lady Antonia.’ Behind her, Jack fairly skidded into the doorway, still tugging his cravat into shape and pushing past Thea as though she did not matter. Then he stood before her mother, bowing deeper than he had before, as though she were truly a duchess and he a footman.

  ‘My dear boy.’ Though Thea felt sleep deprived and fuzzy, her mother was in fine form this morning, practically sparkling at the opportunity to make a fresh conquest. She waited for Jack to raise his face to her, then held out her hands to take his, pulling him forwards and kissing him lightly on the cheek.

  To Thea’s horror, the man who was supposed to be her husband looked up with a sincere and uncontrollable blush and the eyes of a sheep.

  She set her teeth against each other until she could hear them grind, and clenched her fists to prevent the slap on the arm that he deserved and she most assuredly wished to deliver. ‘Stop this nonsense, Jack. You have met my mother before, you know. You saw her just last night.’

  ‘The ballroom was hardly the place to suggest what I had in mind. And I could not speak candidly, for we were not alone,’ he responded without turning his head.

  ‘You are not alone with her,’ Thea reminded him acidly. ‘I am here.’

  ‘Of course, darling,’ her mother said dismissively. ‘We have not forgotten you. Now let the man speak.’

  ‘Lady Antonia,’ he said, wetting his lips as though nervous. ‘I never thought to ask this of the woman who ensnared me from the stage when I was so young as to hardly understand what the feelings meant, but I find myself in need of an actress.’

  ‘You wish me to perform again?’ Her mother laid a trembling hand upon her breast as though shocked, a gesture which Thea knew to be false modesty. It amazed her that anyone was fooled by such, for she had learned almost from birth to be suspicious of it.

  ‘It is a small part,’ he said, staring at his feet and toeing the carpet, humble in response. ‘Hardly

  worthy of you.’

  ‘I have been retired for many, many years,’ her mother responded with a sidelong, demure glance that she used when she wished someone to notice the green glory of her eyes. ‘It is most flattering to think that there are those who can still remember.’

  ‘How could I forget?’ he said with a sigh.

  ‘I am sure if you tried, you could manage it,’ Thea prompted and poked him in the sleeve with a stiffened finger. ‘We do not have time to reminisce right now. De Warde is in the next room.’

  ‘De Warde?’ her mother said, alarmed. For a moment, the glamour seemed to fade and the older, worried woman underneath it was revealed.

  ‘Jack forced me to tell the most outlandish lie about you last night. Now I fear we shall all have to answer for it.’

  ‘There is no time to explain fully,’ said Jack, staring past her in the direction of the sitting room. ‘But we need you to beguile Henry de Warde.’

  Her mother gave him a sharp look. ‘I do not know what you think of me, my lord, but I am most devoted to my husband and do not wish to have anything to do with that odious man.’

  ‘I understand,’ Jack assured her. ‘And might I say that Banester is lucky to have such loyalty from one who could have any man she chose. What we require is nothing more than a short conversation. A few words only, but delivered with the grace and confidence that I know you are capable of giving them so that he believes you utterly and completely. We need you to tell de Warde that you are enceinte and that it is the result of the statue he sold to your husband.’

  Her mother gave a short, unladylike laugh that quickly modulated into a seductively throaty chuckle. Thea could almost see the hair rising on the back of Jack’s neck. When her mother used her charms to the fullest, as she tended to do when caught off guard, few men could resist. ‘How utterly delicious.’ She smiled winningly at Jack. ‘I assume that you have some nefarious scheme afoot?’

  ‘I would not call it nefarious, exactly.’ Jack’s eyes were downcast again, hands behind his back.

  ‘It is wicked in the extreme,’ Thea corrected. ‘We mean to trick the man out of the money he has taken and hopefully we will leave him as destitute as he has left us.’

  ‘Stronger than I’d have put it,’ Jack admitted.

  ‘Thea has always had a way of plain speaking. I could not seem to break her of it,’ Lady Antonia said with pity, as though the truth were some embarrassing birthmark that could not be removed. ‘But really, do you mean to cheat the man?’

  Jack wove his fingers together. ‘Just a bit, perhaps. Really, given the opportunity, he will do the work. As they say, give a man enough rope and he will hang himself.’ Jack smiled at her mother, very near to being besotted.

  ‘As well you should know, Jack,’ Thea snapped. It was foolish to feel jealous of her own mother, but sometimes it was hard not to be.

  ‘Do not worry. The circumstances do not bother me overly,’ her mother said with a devious smile. ‘The man deserves all that we can give him in the way of discomfort and embarrassment. I will be happy to oblige.’ She reached into her reticule, produced a vial of hartshorn and waved it delicately beneath her nose. ‘Please, Thea. Take me to the sitting room and allow me to rest. A woman in my condition sometimes has difficulties with morning visits and the sofas are particularly comfortable in that room. I cannot stay long. I am sure your other guest will understand.’

  ‘This way, Mother,’ Thea said, rolling her eyes at Jack and taking her mother’s arm. It was nonsense, of course. But her partner in crime seemed almost convinced enough to offer assistance, even though he knew full well what caused the sudden indisposition. Before she went, he whispered a few quick words of instruction to Antonia and she nodded in agreement.

  Jack remained behind and Thea led her mother the few short steps down the hall to the next room, where their enemy awaited.

  ‘Please forgive my delay, Mr de Warde,’ she said, relieved that she did not have to face the man alone. ‘But I was receiving my mother and did not wish to leave her.’

  ‘I much prefer the light in this room,’ her mother said, fanning her face with a gloved hand. ‘And the air is fresher as well. But enough of my delicacies. Mr de Warde.’ Her mother held out both hands to him and, when he took them, leaned in to kiss him on both cheeks.

  The gesture was so genuine, and so affectionate, that even the gentleman receiving it seemed surprised. ‘Lady Banester?’

  ‘It is so good to find you here.’ Her mother coloured prettily, somehow managing to look both look delicate and pale beneath the flush. ‘I am so sorry if I have treated you coldly in the past. My current happiness renders the previous feelings invalid and I hope that an apology will be enough.’

  ‘Then am I to believe the news that your daughter offered was accurate?’ This seemed to be the last thing that de Warde had expected to hear.

  Her mother tapped Thea’s arm with fingers. ‘You naughty thing. We were keeping it a secret, were we not, until things had progressed further. Disappointments sometimes occur in the early months and I would hate to raise hopes only to dash them again. And, of course, we must inform your grandfather before telling the rest of the ton.’

  This went in direct opposition to her current openness in speaking in front of their other guest, but then she lowered her lashes and gave de Warde a veiled glance. ‘Of course, it is hardly necessary to keep the truth from one who has been as instrumental in our good fortune as Mr de Warde.’

  ‘I have?’ Knowing the magnitude of the fraud he had perpetrated on them, he wa
s totally at a loss.

  ‘Of course,’ Antonia ploughed on, ignoring his discomfiture, ‘I thought it extreme at the time. But the little idol you found for my husband was well worth the price we paid for it. Although it was up to Kenton to find the missing piece and make the thing complete.’

  ‘You say there is more?’ He looked both puzzled and suspicious now. ‘And what would Kenton know of it?’

  ‘He lived in India, of course. Apparently, such altars are quite common in the remote areas he travelled.’ Antonia smiled triumphantly. ‘And he said that they must be bought, not given as gifts. That explained the fee you extracted from my husband. I am so sorry to have suspected you, sir. For a time, I quite thought you had tried to cheat us. But now...’ she laid a hand across her belly and gave a sigh of relief ‘...all is clear.’

  ‘Is that so?’ De Warde’s eyes followed her hand, and then returned to her face, still doubtful. ‘And he claimed there was a missing element?’

  ‘Indeed. Correct me if I am wrong, Thea.’ She glanced to her daughter.

  ‘I would not dream of interrupting,’ Thea said, not needing to feign sincerity.

  ‘But as Kenton explains it, Lakshmi, the girl—’ Antonia gave a dramatic flourish of her hands to indicate a curvy body and multiple arms ‘—brings luck and prosperity. But she must be embraced by her lover, Vishnu, to bring fertility.’ Antonia gave a coy purse of the lips. ‘He is a blue gentleman, also well endowed...’ she paused significantly and then added ‘...with arms.’

  Thea gasped in embarrassment, but the frankness seemed to have no effect on de Warde other than adding to his dazed expression.

  Antonia continued. ‘I must admit, the pair of them together make a rather striking, one might say scandalous image.’ She wrapped her own arms about her body in imitation of an erotic embrace.

  ‘Mother!’ Thea had no trouble pretending outrage at this latest lie. Whether she was speaking truth or lies, her mother managed to be equally outrageous.

  ‘I expect it is seen as some kind of offering to the gods.’ Antonia frowned. ‘And I doubt the vicar would approve of it. It does not sound very Christian.’ She brightened. ‘But it was amazingly effective, despite that.’

  ‘And are the statues still in your possession?’ de Warde asked. ‘For I would most like to see them together.’

  ‘Of course not,’ Antonia said dismissively. ‘Once one has used them, it is important that they be got rid of quickly. It gives others a chance at progeny and prevents...’ she gave a giggle ‘...multiple blessings. While I should like to have one son, I seriously doubt, at this point in my life, that I should wish to have two of them. We had Kenton return them to the antiquities dealer where he found Vishnu.’ She smiled at Thea. ‘But I am sure he means to purchase them back again immediately, my dear. You have the succession to think of, after all.’

  ‘Certainly not,’ Thea said, forgetting for a moment that the whole conversation was a sham.

  ‘But of course.’ Her mother reached to pat her hand. ‘I do not mean to imply that your husband is any less than fully capable in that regard, but it is sometimes better to be sure. And he says that the users of such icons invariably have strong sons, which is what Spayne will wish to see from you. Consider how long it took to secure the situation for your father and I.’

  ‘I doubt that he expects such of me,’ Thea insisted, though it made sense of his advice at the ball.

  ‘Am I not right, Mr de Warde?’ Antonia appealed to the man, as though he would be an ally. ‘Spayne will want to continue the line. And other than Kenton, your family has no issue. I believe you and your wife are childless.’

  De Warde’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly. ‘We have been married but a few years.’

  ‘But your wife is older than you, is she not?’ Antonia gave a sympathetic shake of her head. ‘It is not always easy for a woman to produce a child as age advances.’

  ‘Mother,’ Thea said in warning, as her mother seemed to have lost what little sense of decorum she possessed.

  Antonia covered her mouth with her hand. ‘Oh, my dear, you are right. I am being terribly rude to discuss such things at all, much less in mixed company. Please, Mr de Warde, accept my apologies.’

  ‘Of course, madam.’ He gave a slight bow, but he was looking speculatively at her midsection. ‘And congratulations to you and your husband on your impending success.’

  Antonia reached out a limp but graceful hand and clasped his. ‘You are too kind, sir. And after the unfair way we treated you. We owe you much. I can hardly...’ Her mother gave a slight gasp, as though she could not contain her emotions, and then looked up at him with a watery, yet bewitching smile. ‘I cry so easily now. I had forgotten the excesses of emotion one has, for it has been so long since I was expecting Thea. But thank you. A thousand times, thank you. Because of you, our fortunes are mended with the breach between William and his father. We will name the child Henry, in your honour.’

  If he had been doubtful before, Mr de Warde now had the slightly panicked expression that men sometimes got when confronted by an overly emotional and expectant woman. ‘It was nothing, madam. Really. I had no idea...’ Then he remembered that he should have expected these results, cleared his throat and said, ‘I had no idea that it would affect you so. But if these tears are happy ones, then I will not begrudge them to you.’

  ‘You have done Thea and Jack a service as well. He had not expected to find Lakshmi here in England. And now that the divine lovers are united, he and Thea might—’

  ‘Mother!’ It was quite one thing to hear lurid

  stories about her parents’ intimate lives—it was an embarrassment, but one that Thea had suffered over the years—but quite another thing indeed to have the

  stories extend to her.

  Her mother had the sense to look contrite. ‘Of course, my darling. I speak out of turn again. Mr de Warde wished to speak to you as well, did he not?’ When Antonia looked at the man, it was with disapproval that was almost motherly.

  And Thea had to admit that his request to meet with her, specifically and alone, was an unusual one and not altogether proper. She followed her mother’s example and gave the man an innocent look. ‘Yes, Mr de Warde, we have quite carried away the topic with our own concerns. What is the reason for your visit this morning?’

  ‘I only wished to continue our conversation of the previous evening, which was interrupted, as you remember.’

  She could remember no such thing. From her side, it had been a timely rescue by Jack from the attentions of a man who had already proven far too attentive. She hoped their brief exchange at the ball had not given him the idea that she actually wished contact with him. If that was the case, what was she to do with him once she had embarked on the freedom of pretend widowhood? ‘I remember speaking, of course,’ she admitted, ‘but I had quite forgotten the topic.’

  Mr de Warde looked from her to her mother and back again. ‘Nothing important. I merely wished to welcome you to the family.’ He gave her a particularly intense gaze that convinced her he had quite misread her desire for privacy on the last evening. ‘Perhaps I might return tomorrow and find you less busy.’

  ‘Or perhaps not.’ Jack was standing in the doorway, a stern frown upon his face.

  ‘Kenton.’ Antonia fairly shrieked with delight at the sight of him. In Thea’s opinion, it was rather excessive. But then, what part of her mother’s performance had not been?

  ‘Kenton,’ de Warde responded flatly.

  ‘Uncle de Warde.’ Jack gave a tight nod of his head and stepped closer to Thea, laying a protective hand upon her shoulder. ‘Do not think you need to take the welcoming of my wife on to yourself. My father and I have that quite in hand.’

  ‘I am pleased to hear it,’ de Warde said, clearly unhappy. ‘And interested as well to hear more of the assistance you gave to Banester and his lady.’

  ‘That—’ Jack’s eyes narrowed ‘—was a private matter and no concern of yours.’ />
  ‘I disagree.’

  As did Thea. If the whole point was to involve him, why could they not get it over and done with? ‘But...’

  Jack shot her a warning look. ‘Thea, we will discuss the matter later.’ His tone was full of the condescension she had expected from a powerful man towards a young and inexperienced wife. Miss Pennyworth had assured her that such behaviour was normal. But now that she faced it, Thea found it rather annoying.

  Jack hardly seemed to notice. His hand tightened on her ever so slightly. It seemed more like a display of possessiveness than any silent explanation of his words. ‘I think any more such calls on my wife can be made when I am at home to visitors as well.’

  ‘Of course.’ De Warde gave a tight bow and a look of purest venom to the man at her side. ‘Good day, then.’ He rose and took his leave.

  Almost as soon as the door closed she heard Antonia’s sigh of satisfaction. When Thea turned, it was to find her reclined on the couch like Cleopatra, sipping a glass of port.

  ‘It is rather early, Mother,’ Thea reminded her. ‘Still not noon.’

  ‘It might be morning for you, but it is the end of the work day for me,’ her mother said with a moue. ‘And I find a small glass refreshing after a successful performance.’

  ‘Successful performance?’ Jack said, still looking at her mother like a devoted puppy and taking no notice of her morning drinking. ‘More than that. It was a masterwork.’

  ‘You think so?’ her mother asked.

  ‘The bits you embroidered on to my tattered story have made a whole cloth of it.’

  ‘Improvisation was always my strength,’ Antonia said with false modesty.

  ‘And it is a challenge for my talents to rise to yours,’ Jack replied with a bow.

  ‘What the devil are you both talking about?’ Thea demanded, throwing aside her training and evoking the sort of common language that her mother used. ‘The man hardly said a word.’ She glared at her mother. ‘Not that you left him space for one.’ The reproof was useless. Her mother had never learned the art of listening more than one talked. So Thea turned her anger and frustration to Jack. ‘And then you sent him away.’