Let Me Heal Your Heart

by Lily Foster

  I thought for a moment and said, “No, now I’m curious. Spill it.”

  She hesitated a moment. “Never been kissed,” she said as she looked at me, dead on.

  “Are you for real?”

  She looked a little hurt. “Don’t make me feel like a freak, Declan.”

  I shook my head. “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just that…you’re so pretty I’d think that the boys would be chasing you.” I’m sure I was a deep shade of red at that moment.

  She was smiling at me. I could feel it even though I was looking away, looking out over the lake. “Thanks.”

  “For what?”

  “For telling me I’m pretty.”

  I looked back at her. “You’re more than pretty, Anna.”

  Now she was embarrassed, looking down into her lap. “I have an idea,” she said softly. “Why don’t you be my first? That way it will always be a good memory for me.”

  She didn’t have to ask me twice. We sat side by side on the dock, feet in the water. I scooted over a few inches so that our legs were touching. It wasn’t the most comfortable position I guess, with our lower bodies facing one way and our faces turned towards each other, but I only remember how good that kiss felt. We didn’t break apart for a full five minutes and then she said, breathless, “You see? I can happily remember that kiss for the rest of my life.”

  “How about this one, you think you’ll remember this one?” I asked as I resumed kissing her. I had one hand on her cheek and the other entwined with mine, resting in our laps. I was so happy I could have stayed like that forever.

  That kiss was the start of the best few days of my life.

  Anna

  I was floating on air by the time we made it back to my cabin, hand in hand. I felt like everything was sharper, clearer that night; the sounds of the crickets, the stars bright against the sky, the smell of the pine-laced air.

  And his hand.

  His hand in mine.

  It gave me a sensation of heat, like electricity that snaked up my arm and then spread throughout my entire being. As we got to the door he turned to me and said, “Goodnight, Anna,” and then bent his head down to kiss me again. His kisses left me breathless and practically unable to stand on my shaky limbs. In bed that night I pictured his face and remembered what his lips felt like on mine. After months of insomnia, I fell into a blissfully deep sleep.

  After that night, we were pretty much inseparable. We weren’t attached at the hip completely; sometimes I ate with Olivia, Jane and Beth, and sometimes I sat with Declan, Kevin, and Shane, but I wanted to be with him, just him, every second of every day.

  Every moment I wasn’t sitting across from Dr. Ben, I was either with Declan or thinking about him.

  But this was grief camp so there were many hours of therapy to contend with. I did find talking things out helpful, and Dr. Ben was so understanding and…so different from my parents. I’d expressed to him my belief that I could never change my mother or father, and my relationship with them would likely never be a good one. I was surprised and relieved when he told me I might be right. He cautioned me to always leave the door open but that it was true, you can’t change people. Some of us, he stated simply, are blessed with wonderful parents, others are not. He told me the way to make it right was to be a good parent to my child if I decided to be a parent myself one day. Talking to someone who didn’t bullshit me, try to sugar coat the crap that was my life, was a comfort and a relief.

  Being in group with Declan wasn’t awkward either. Gradually, we both started to pipe up here and there. One day at the beginning of the second week, Declan actually shared the story of his mother’s suicide with the group and I was touched that he often looked at me when he was speaking. It was as if he wanted me to know, specifically. Later that night when we were down by the lake, he told me that having me there gave him the strength to keep talking. I kissed him with everything I had that night, wanting to comfort him, love him, and make my way into his heart.

  A few days later, when our time was running out and because I wanted him to know everything about me, I shared my story. It was still pretty recent, only four months ago, so I wasn’t so smooth. I had to stop a few times. Declan was sitting on one side of me and Paulina was on the other. When I looked down at one point, I noticed each was holding one of my hands and I saw that Declan was crying too. I hadn’t felt cared for or protected like this since Will had died.

  That night when I went to sneak out of my cabin, I saw Declan waiting next to a tree, just a few yards from my door. “Hey, I thought you’d be down there already.”

  “Yeah, I was thinking I’d walk with you.”

  I knew he was here waiting because he was concerned about me after what I’d shared today. To be honest, I was so tired from the session that evening that I almost fell asleep before it was time to meet up with Declan. But I wouldn’t have missed this. It was our last night together. Tomorrow right after breakfast we had individuals scheduled with family sessions to follow and then departure immediately after. I might not even see him after breakfast.

  We were quiet as we made our way, hand in hand, to the dock. You could only hear the sound of pine needles and leaves crunching underfoot, the occasional call of an owl, and the crickets calling out to one another.

  We were holding hands, lying on our backs, staring up at the stars. Declan took my hand and raised it to his mouth to kiss it. He rested my hand against his heart then and said, “I’m going to miss you, Anna. I wish you lived in Cape Elizabeth.”

  “I wish I lived there too. I’d hang around the rink after school and annoy you.”

  “You being at the rink would never annoy me.”

  I was twirling my hair, lost in thought. “It would be nice, though, Declan. I have a lot of friends but they don’t know me like you do. I guess everyone feels misunderstood but what happened to me,” I raised myself up on my elbow to look at him, “what’s happened to people like us, it sets us apart from everyone. Only one of my friends even mentions my brother’s name around me. The others get really uncomfortable if I bring him up.”

  “And you’re a girl, Anna. How do you think it is for me? You think any of my hockey buddies are there to talk? I got a few grunts of condolence at the funeral but that’s it. I didn’t get much more than that from my father, come to think of it.”

  “Dr. Ben told me I’ll be a better parent to my children because of how sucky my parents are. Do you believe that?”

  “You? Definitely. You’ll be a great mother someday.”

  His words made me blush. I shook my head. “It’s stupid to even think of something like that now but…I do hope so. I hope I don’t morph into some cold bitch.”

  “You won’t,” he said as he moved my hair behind my ear and then leaned up to kiss me. He pulled me down gently onto him so that our upper bodies were pressed together. He had to have felt my speeding heartbeat. The feel of him against me, his arms cradling me, was making my body warm all over. As he slowly pulled back he looked at me and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone as beautiful as you are, Anna, you know that?”

  “Good. I want to be the most beautiful girl you’ll ever see, Declan. Please don’t ever forget me, ok?”

  “I won’t, Anna.”

  I laid back on the deck again, holding his hand, lost in thought. I must have drifted off for a while. When I woke, Declan was up on his elbow, looking down at me, twisting his fingers gently through my hair. “Do you want to go back up to the cabin? You fell asleep on me.”

  “No,” I said, yawning. “I can sleep tomorrow. I want to stay here with you tonight. Is that ok?”

  “Yeah,” he said as he leaned down to kiss my forehead.

  The idea hit me suddenly. “Let’s go swimming.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Why not? The lake’s warm. You’re here to protect me from any creepy lake things.”

  “We don’t have suits, Anna.”

  “Swim in your undies. That’s b
asically the same as a suit.”

  “Ok, crazy Anna. I’m game if you’re game.”

  “You first.”

  “Fine with me,” he said with bravado. He stood and lifted the hem of his t-shirt and pretended to do a strip tease, complete with dancing and humming a burlesque tune. Then he flexed his muscles like a brute after the shirt came off.

  “How can you even get through doorways with that big head of yours? I’ve never seen a boy who loves himself more than you do, Declan.”

  “Please, you’re loving the show.” He slid off his gym shorts then and did a cannonball into the lake wearing only his boxers.

  I pretended to yawn then, stretching my arms above my head. “On second thought, I think I will hit the hay.” I got up then and walked a few paces down the pier, towards the cabin.

  “You wouldn’t dare, Anna Clarke.”

  I turned to him and smiled then. “Well, I’m not doing a striptease, if that’s what you’re waiting for.”

  “No need for that, just get in here.”

  “Aren’t you going to turn around so I can get undressed?”

  “Oh, what happened to,” he mimicked my voice as he said, “undies…the same as a bathing suit. What happened to that, Anna? And I don’t recall you looking away when I got undressed. Noooo, you made me feel like a piece of meat the way your eyes never left me.”

  Eyes wide, I said, “My eyes never left you? You practically begged to be watched.” I was self-conscious then but I dug down deep for some courage. I didn’t hate my body or feel ashamed of it or anything, it’s just that I was wishing my boobs would grow already, like most of my friends’ already had. I had something there but I was a late bloomer compared to everyone else I knew. I was the last of my friends to get my period, the only one not to start until ninth grade.

  I was suddenly feeling very modest. No boy had ever seen me before. I gave myself a quick pep talk and decided to get it over with. I shimmied out of my shorts and lifted the tank over my head. As I was nearing the edge to jump in, Declan whispered, “Stop. Just stay there a minute.”

  I stood, immobile. He looked at me with wonder in his eyes, which made me feel truly beautiful. “I want to remember what you look like, Anna.” His voice broke a little when he said, “I’m afraid I might not ever see you again.”

  I sat down on the edge of the dock then and slowly lowered myself into the water. I was no more than a foot away then, treading water like him. “No, Declan, I know that I will see you again someday.”

  He moved closer to me then and kissed me, moving me back as he did, so that my back rested against the ladder and he was able to use it as leverage to hold us up. He kissed me more gently than he had the nights before. He left the slightest distance between our bodies. He reached up between us and looked to me for consent before sliding the strap of my bra off my shoulder. He ran his fingers back and forth over my shoulder and then traced the skin over my collarbone. It felt like every one of my nerve endings was wired. Declan continued kissing me as he tentatively, slowly ran one hand over my breasts and then moved closer to close the distance between us. My breath hitched when I felt his body against mine. I’d never felt a boy before and Declan’s lower body couldn’t hide his want. He backed away, embarrassed for a moment, but came closer again when I leaned over to kiss him. We stayed like that, kissing, our bodies slick and just barely touching, for what must have been close to an hour. We got out only when Declan caught sight of my pruned fingers.

  We didn’t speak but dressed again as we stood on the dock. He took my hand as we walked down the short pier towards the shore and we continued silently until we got to my cabin door. By then it was just beginning to get light. He looked tired and sad. I’m sure I did too. Declan whispered, “Get me a pen and paper, ok?”

  I opened my door and grabbed my sketchbook and a charcoal. “Why? Do you want my autograph, Declan?”

  He rolled his eyes. “I want your phone number.” He looked unsure of himself then. “Can I call you?”

  “You’d better,” I said as I wrote it down. Tears started to come then. It was partly fatigue but mostly it was the sure knowledge that my time with Declan had come to an end. I knew that his face, his words, and the feelings I had when I was with him, they would all start to fade into distant memory, just as Will and Drew had.

  I choked out the words as I handed him the folded paper, “I don’t want to leave you.”

  He tilted my chin up so I was looking at him. “I know, it’s crazy, isn’t it? I feel like my heart’s breaking.” He had tears in his eyes too. He kissed me then, deeply, holding my body close to his, and then he broke the kiss, resting his forehead against mine as he caught his breath. He just said, “My Anna,” before he turned and walked away.

  Chapter Three

  Anna

  I dropped the basket as soon as I closed my bedroom door and collapsed onto my bed. My pulse had to be exceeding one hundred beats per minute.

  I’d just seen a ghost.

  Declan Banks.

  I hadn’t seen him since that early dawn before we left camp three summers ago. I’d decided that morning, as I lie in bed, that I was in love with him. That I loved him and one day I’d marry him. I now smiled at the thought; smiled at the naïve, fifteen year old girl that I had been.

  My mind replayed those two weeks, replayed as many of the conversations, the kisses and the feather-light touches that I could remember. I wondered if he’d ever tried to call me, if he’d ever tried to find me.

  I missed dinner and was surprised when I looked over at the clock and it read nine-fifty. I had this ritual of taking a run every night at ten. It was my time to meditate, to handle any problems or stress, and it was my time to reconnect with Will. At the risk of sounding unbalanced, I often had conversations with Will during my nightly runs. I would ask him silently what he thought about this or that, or I would just express to him how much I loved and missed him.

  I was walking out the back door of Loyola, making my way towards the road when I heard him call out to me from a ground floor window. “Anna?” he called again, as he jumped through the open window and walked towards me. “You know, I see this girl running every night, at the same time, and I always worry about her. I always think to myself that she shouldn’t be running alone at this hour. It’s been you every night, hasn’t it?”

  I nodded and then said, “I can take care of myself, Banks. I’ve been doing these nightly runs for years.”

  “Why? I mean, why so late?”

  “It’s the only time when my mind slows down enough for me to think.” After a short silence I added, “I couldn’t believe it when I saw you today. I still can’t believe it, Declan.”

  He nodded, his hands shoved into his pockets. “I had to lock myself in my room for a few hours and just wrap my head around it, Anna.”

  “Yeah, I just emerged from my trance a few minutes ago.”

  “Hey, let me get my sneakers on. I’ll run with you.”

  “No, Declan, I’ll be fine,” I said nervously, as I started backing away from him. “Maybe we can meet for lunch one day?”

  He looked disappointed for a moment before he recovered. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

  I ran. I ran so fast and so hard that night. Usually this was a jog, nothing crazy. I wasn’t in training for anything. Tonight, though, I wanted to run, scream, cry, exert myself until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

  I didn’t know why seeing him was so hard.

  An hour later I was back, and as I came to a stop behind my dorm, I doubled over, attempting to catch my breath. I made my way to the second floor, grabbed my shower basket and then proceeded to stand underneath a stream of near scalding water for a full half-hour.

  “What happened to you?” Fiona asked when I came into our room and flopped onto my bed.

  “Just tired.”

  “Are you sure, Anna? You look, I don’t know, devastated or something.”

  “I saw someone today that I haven’t see
n in years.”

  “Boy or a girl?”

  “A boy.”

  She rubbed her palms together. “Ok, this is getting interesting but you’re killing me, Anna. Tell me.”

  “It’s nothing, Fiona, really. A boy I met three years ago. It just brought up a lot of feelings. I met him right after Will died.”

  “Oh, Anna, I’m sorry.”

  “No, it’s ok, really. Seeing him just threw me for a loop. You mind if I just crash? I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open.”

  “Go ahead,” she said as she gathered her books and grabbed a pen. “I’ll go to the lounge. Get a good night’s sleep, Anna. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

  I cried myself to sleep that night. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it was the pain of reliving those good memories with Declan, knowing they were just that, in the past. Maybe it was being thrown back to that time again, the pain of losing Will so fresh. And to that time, after coming home, not having Will, not having Declan, and feeling like I really no longer had a home. What a shitty year that had been.

  Declan

  I sat in Econ not paying attention to anything the professor was saying. “Who’s Anna?” demanded Charlotte. There was a sharp edge to her voice. “I thought you’re girlfriend’s name was Tess?”

  “Huh?”

  Charlotte nodded towards my notebook, where I’d absently been writing her name over and over again. I shut the notebook and ignored her.

  Shit. Why did it hurt so badly? Anna backing away from me last night, acting as if being within a ten foot radius of me was unbearable. It just killed me. It felt as bad as it had three years ago when my texts went unanswered and my calls repeatedly went to voicemail with no response. I couldn’t wrap my head around it then, just as I couldn’t take it now.

  My desk was by the window and I would notice, nearly every night, a girl stretching and then taking off for a run at ten o’clock. I always felt annoyed at the girl because I couldn’t completely relax, didn’t feel as if I could leave my spot at my desk, until I’d see her amble back up the hill, safe and sound, usually half an hour later. Last night, when I saw it was Anna and she practically fell backwards trying to get away from me, I sat there, transfixed, staring out the window after she left. Thirty minutes had stretched to forty, then forty-five, then fifty minutes. Didn’t she know she was putting herself in danger? When I saw the digital clock read eleven, I started lacing up my sneakers and was sliding the window open, about to hop out, when I saw her bent over, pulling for breath. A moment later she was walking in the back door of her dorm, out of sight.