Because of Him

by Jessica Roe

  “I understand.” He nudges me back. “But for the record, you don't need that guy to come along and tell you you're happy. I know you're gonna get that happy life, you're too damned stubborn not to.” He holds his hand out to me. “So...pinky promise that we don't tell anyone about our kiss...es. Kisses.”

  “You're so lame.” But I grin and wrap my pinky around his and we shake. We look totally stupid but I don't care because this is probably the last time I'll get to touch Silver again, the last chance I'll have to be this close to him. It's not like our situation has left me heartbroken because I barely know the guy, but the fact that we can't continue our like/hate-passionate-horny-make out-groping-lust filled...thing...has definitely left me on a downer. I've never wanted to spend time with a guy like I do with him before, and now that I can't...yeah, I'm disappointed.

  We drop our hands apart and he sighs, business face back on. “It's a small school, Blair. Like, really small. It's kind of guaranteed that you'll be in my class.”

  “What do you teach, anyway?”

  “History.”

  I chuckle. “Yeah, I can totally see that.”

  “I'm not a nerd!” I like that he can already tell what I'm thinking. He glares at me for a moment but then shakes his head and smiles. “Fine. Maybe I am a little. I love history. Always have since I was a kid.”

  “Were you totally cute? With your little sweater vests and your glasses and your curly hair? Did you make Granny Yo watch the history channel all the time?”

  “None of that is even remotely true!” he protests. “Except the curly hair...and obviously I was cute...and maybe I watched history shows a lot. But I didn't wear glasses or sweater vests. And you've put way too much thought into this.”

  “How are you and Nash even best friends? You're so different.”

  He lets out a loud HA kind of laugh. “No kidding. He was a football superstar in high school. Everyone loved him. I was only cool by association.”

  “Oh, sure! I bet the girls were so into you.”

  He blushes. “I guess I had my fair share of dates.”

  “Ha! I knew it, you were a total ladies man.”

  The night air is cool and I'm starting to chill. Goosebumps break out over my arms so I rub my skin to soothe them away. Silver watches, enthralled, as if he wants to trail a finger over each little bump, before he remembers himself and looks away.

  He rests his elbows on his thighs and drops his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “You're so good at distracting me. How do you do it? We're completely off topic.”

  “Didn't mean to. Continue,” I allow graciously, waving my hand.

  “Look, for obvious reasons we need to stay away from each other when we're outside class, which means you probably shouldn't come by and visit Grams any more.”

  I frown as his words sink in. “Don't be such a dick! I like Granny Yo. You can't make me stop seeing her!”

  A muffled, “Hear hear!” comes from behind us and both our heads whip around. Granny Yo's shadowy silhouette can just be made out from behind the front door where she's clearly been eavesdropping this whole time. I'm glad to know she's on my side.

  Silver leans his head back and looks up at the stars like he's hoping they have answers for him. “You're so stubborn, Blair.” He seems tired.

  I wish I didn't like the sound of my name on his lips so much. I wish I didn't want to rub my cheek against the light dusting of stubble forming over his jaw. I wish I didn't want to press my nose into his neck and just smell him. I hope, I pray, that these feelings go away soon. Like now. Like seriously, right now.

  “You already said that.”

  “I meant it.”

  We're about to fight again and like Silver, I'm tired. So instead of saying something stupid, I pick up the bag of Ibbie's shoes and do the sensible thing for once—I leave. He doesn't say anything to me as I walk away across the street, not even goodbye.

  Back at Oliver's, Ila and Jemma are fighting again.

  “Mom!” Ila is crying. “Jemma left her stupid hair straighteners on my floor and she ruined my Hello Kitty rug!”

  “I did you a favour, loser! That rug was fugly.”

  When Felicia sees me standing in the doorway, she folds her arms and glares at me accusingly like this is all my fault. I guess it kind of is.

  My heart feels heavy as I climb the stairs to my room and I suddenly miss my mom so bad my whole body aches, especially my heart. Even if she was never really a mom, she was still mine and I loved her more than anything.

  Before I can even put my shoes away, Zac knocks on the door, which seems like a rather pointless gesture because he lets himself in without waiting for me to answer. I guess it's a brother thing.

  “Yo.” He kicks off his sneakers and makes himself at home on my bed. “How's your day been?”

  “Meh.” I kneel next to him. “Got a job. Met Nash's friend across the street.” I'm pleased by how casual I sound.

  “Keegan? Yeah, he's a cool guy.” I want him to elaborate, to tell me more about Silver because clearly I love to torture myself, but I stop myself from asking. “Where'd you get a job?”

  Disappointed by the subject change, I tell him about Merry Fairburn's.

  “I'll come by on your first day to cheer you on.”

  “Embarrass me, you mean?” I punch his arm and he laughs.

  “Caught me.” He tugs playfully on my hair. “So school starts in a couple days. You nervous?”

  “Nope,” I reply honestly. I've been to enough new schools and had so many first days that it no longer fazes me.

  “I was thinking I could take you into town tomorrow,” he suggests. “Help you pick out your school supplies?”

  I nod gratefully. Zac is definitely my favourite sibling. “Sounds good.”

  “You know,” he muses. “I'm pretty sure there's still a bunch of my old school crap in the attic. Mom hoards everything.” He rolls his eyes, but it's in a fond way like he knows how lucky he is to have her and not a mom like mine who routinely sold everything we owned to buy drugs. “There should be some text books up there. You wanna go check? Might save you a few bucks if you ever need 'em.”

  The attic has it's own doorway and staircase instead of the usual pull down ladder, and it's bigger and brighter inside than I expected. A huge window spans almost one entire wall, facing the front of the house, and the moon shines inside, illuminating everything. Zac flips on a light. The whole place is dusty, but private from the rest of the house, and though there are a stack of boxes lined neatly against one wall, the room is otherwise empty.

  “If I cleaned this place up I could totally sleep in here,” I say to Zac, who is already busy looking through the boxes. “And then Jemma could take her old room back and she and Ila can stop arguing.”

  He spins around, smirking. “Trust me, sisters argue all the time. But yeah, they have been extra crazy these last few days. That sounds like a pretty great idea.” He looks around. “Actually I kinda wish I'd thought of it while I was growing up. Sharing with Nash sucked. That guy had some serious stink.”

  We pitch the idea downstairs. Jemma is so happy she actually hugs me. I stand stiffly and pat her awkwardly on the top of her head. I'm pretty sure the only other person who ever hugged me was Fen. “Maybe you're not as bad as I thought!” she squeals into my ear, and I think that might almost have been a compliment.

  I pretend not to like the hug, but secretly...I guess I do. I also pretend not to notice when Felicia awkwardly pats my shoulder, but I store it away inside my memory, a mother's touch.

  ZAC MAKES GOOD on his promise to take me into town. Actually he does more than make good, he drags me to every frakking store in the area. No kidding.

  By the time we get back to Oliver's I'm beyond exhausted. Zac shops like a woman with a gold card and an addiction to anything new and shiny—I should probably introduce him to Ibbie.

  The house is empty aside from Nash, who waits for us in the kitchen, covered in splatters of
paint. He grins at me and I have to look over my shoulder to make sure no one else is there because it's so unexpected. “Hey!” he greets cheerfully.

  I drop my bags onto the kitchen island. “Hey,” I reply cautiously. “Are you ill?”

  “No. Why?”

  “You're smiling,” I tell him, in case he didn't realize he was doing it.

  “I always smile!”

  “HA!” I didn't mean to let that slip out, but there it is anyway. Behind me, Zac starts giggling.

  Nash glances between us, bemused. “What are you two supposed to be, the terrible twosome?”

  Zac pulls himself up to sit on the island and strokes an imaginary beard. “Hmm,” he speculates. “I've always wanted to be part of a terrible twosome. Being a terrible onesome just isn't as fun.”

  “You can't be a terrible onesome,” I point out. “Alliteration is the key.”

  “I could be the ominous onesome.”

  “Or the offensive onesome.”

  “You know onesome isn't actually a word? I could be the single savage!”

  “What about a loathsome loner?”

  “Ooh, I like that one!”

  “You guys could be twins,” Nash says, shaking his head in exasperation. “Really, really annoying twins.”

  “Ah, but you're still smiling,” I say. “At me. You do remember who I am, right?”

  His smile fades and his expression grows remorseful. “Yeah, I guess I've been...It hasn't...Just come upstairs with me, will you? I want to show you something.”

  I glance at Zac, who grins manically.

  “I guess,” I concede.

  They lead me upstairs to the attic.

  “Wow,” I marvel, spinning around. “It looks great in here.” Nash has cleaned the attic from floor to ceiling. The walls have been freshly painted and he's even moved a bed, desk and a wardrobe up here.

  “Keegan helped me out—you've met him, right?” He's asking casually so I know there's no hidden meaning behind it. He has no idea about Silver and me.

  “Once or twice.”

  “Yeah, I practically had to drag his ass up here to do it though. The curtains, bedspread, lampshades and rugs are all different colours,” Nash explains. “to match your hair. That was Keegan's idea.”

  I'm touched they went to so much effort. “I can't believe you did all this in like...four hours. This is so awesome. Thank you!” I hip bump Zac playfully. “Is this why you kept me out so long looking at dumb crap?”

  He nods angelically. “I do believe my job was the hardest of all.”

  Nash clears his throat uncomfortably. “So...this is sort of my way of apologizing for being such a jerk since you've been here. I got all up in my own head about crap I should've let go years ago and not treating you right was wrong. I'm too old to be acting like a sulky teenager. I judged you too soon, which was a dick move. You're nothing like I expected you to be—and that's a good thing,” he rushes to reassure me. “You don't do drugs or cause trouble or...well, anything I'd imagined.”

  “Like stealing?”

  “Like stealing,” he confirms. “What you're doing for Jem is real nice. Not just for her, but for all of us. When Jem's happy, the house is a quieter place.” He grins. “If you accept my apology, I was thinking we could try being brother and sister for real?”

  I tap a finger against my chin, pretending to think it over. “And what exactly would that entail?”

  “Well...with Jem we pretty much just call her a brat and scare away her boyfriends.”

  “You missed the whole worms in the bed and noogie stage,” Zac adds cheerfully. “Though we would happily catch you up.”

  “I will cut you.”

  “Then again, maybe not. God, you're scary.”

  Nash clasps my shoulder in one large hand. “So, you in?”

  A wide grin stretches across my face.

  DAYS GO BY, faster than I thought they would. Zac goes back to NYC to sort out his apartment before college starts again, but I don't feel as alone as I thought I would, even though he's almost four hours away. I have Granny Yo to keep me company, and Nash and sometimes Jemma, and even Lance and Ila when their mom isn't around to shoo them away from me.

  But Labour Day morning, my happy little family drive away to spend time with Oliver's parents. Even he seemed embarrassed when he admitted that my grandparents had requested I stay behind. I pretended not to care, I wanted not to care, but if Granny Yo hadn't invited me to spend the day with her and Silver I might have sulked in a major way.

  “I made you something,” Granny Yo tells me. She sits in her old floral arm chair, a sunset orange throw over her lap. I'm curled up in the corner of a stylish grey sofa—obviously one of Silver's purchases. I love how mismatched all their furniture is. I also love how the sofa smells faintly of Silver's cologne, like this is the space he always sits.

  Silver disappeared twenty minutes ago, muttering something about a shower. I'm surprised he lasted the whole day with me.

  Granny Yo reaches underneath her chair and pulls out a beautiful patchwork rucksack. “It's for your first day of school tomorrow. I know it's not very hip, so you don't have to use it if you don't want to, but mind you remember how hard these frail old lady fingers worked to make it.” She's smiling naughtily, so I know she's just being playful. Besides, we both know she has a stronger grip than even I do.

  “Are you kidding? I love it!” I exclaim, taking it and stroking the soft material like it's precious, which to me it is. No one has ever made me anything before. The colourful bag is random and mismatched and a little bit wonky—just like me. “Of course I'll use it for school.”

  When I leave a little while later, it's late enough that the sky has started to darken.

  Silver is once again sat on his porch steps, probably avoiding me. I should just go home, but I can't stop myself from sitting down next to him. This is the first time we've been alone since we were last in this exact spot.

  His hair is still wet from the shower and as I watch, a small droplet of water trickles down his neck and stains his grass green t-shirt. God, he looks good in green...and jeans. It's the first time I've seen him in something other than shorts, and though I like the shorts, he looks sinfully good in jeans. And I can't stop staring at his bare feet. There's something oddly sexy about them; now I understand what he meant the other day. It's an actual effort to drag my eyes away.

  He chuckles when he spots the bag in my lap and rests his arms over his knees. “I think Grams might love you more than she loves me.”

  “I'm incredibly loveable,” I agree.

  He stares at me for a long time, a really long time, and there's something so intense about it that my heart pounds annoyingly fast. There is longing in his expression. He reaches out and runs gentle fingers through the multi-coloured stripes in my hair, almost in a trance. I hold my breath, afraid that if I make any movement, any movement at all, he'll stop what he's doing. “You re-dyed them. I like it.”

  Jemma helped me do it yesterday, ready for school. She complained the whole time about how my dark brown hair was lush and that the stripes ruined it.

  “If you hate them so bad, just look at me from the other side of my head where you can't see them,” I'd joked, but she'd pulled a face like she was actually considering it.

  Silver blinks, moment over. He quickly pulls away his hand, swallowing hard. “I'm sorry, that was...I shouldn't be touching you like that.”

  I sigh in frustration, biting back words of need and want and wishing I could stop liking him so much. It's not his fault, but I can't help feeling just a little bitter. “Don't worry. This time next year I'll be in college and you'll never have to see me again.”

  He looks surprised at that. “You're going to college?”

  “Jeez! Rude much.” Like I can't even get into college? “Screw you.”

  I stand up but he hooks a hand around my elbow and pulls me back down. “I'm sorry, seriously. I didn't mean that how it sounded. Man, you're qui
ck tempered.”

  “What did you mean?” I demand.

  “I don't know! I wasn't thinking and the words just came out. Of course you're going to college. You're too smart not to.”

  “You don't know I'm smart, you haven't taught me yet.”

  “You have a smart mouth,” he teases, and damn him if he doesn't make me laugh. “And I do know. I can tell just from the times we've talked. You're quick and bright and clever.” He blushes, probably wishing he hadn't revealed so much. “What do you want to study in college? Any ideas yet?”

  I've already forgiven him, because he's Silver and he just has that effect on me. “Nope, I just know I want to go.” I shrug glumly. “I guess I haven't found anything I'm passionate about yet, something I'd want to spend the rest of my life doing.”

  “Don't worry about it, you've got plenty of time. I mean, I always knew I wanted to do something with history, but I didn't know I wanted to teach it 'till I was actually at college. And Nash changed his major like, three times before he decided he wanted to be an architect like your dad.”

  “Hmm.”

  “Hey, I got something for you,” he says, changing the subject. He reaches inside his pocket and pulls something out. “This is an iPod.”

  I smirk. “Just 'cause I can't use one, doesn't mean I don't know what it is.”

  “It's not new or anything,” he hastens to add after handing it to me. “It's just an old one of mine.” It doesn't look old to me, but I choose not to say anything because he already looks embarrassed.

  I should probably tell him I can't accept something like this, that it's too much and I'm just Too Darned Noble to take it, but I like the thought of having something he's given me way too much, much more than I like my pride.

  He leans over to show me how to use it and the smell of his shaving cream wafts over me. My skin tingles. It takes a moment for me to realize that he's been talking and I haven't heard a word he's said. “-and you can even plug it into your car—if that old thing even has technology.”