Because of Him

by Jessica Roe

  “That'd be nice.”

  He ruffles my hair affectionately. “No walking though. Make sure you get a ride, it's dark out.”

  I lent my car to Rafe tonight because his has been taken away again; this time because he didn't do his chores. For (possible) gangsters, his parents are kind of strict.

  So I text Kip to pick me up. He works in the pizza place a few doors down but since they're empty too he says he can be right over. Like a coward, I hide out in the kitchen while I wait.

  It's not too long before Ibbie joins me. “Kip's waiting out front,” she tells me gently, like she's speaking to a sick person. “Will you...” For once, Ibbie is finding it hard to get her words out.

  “Tell you everything later?”

  “Oh, thank God. I didn't want to be rude and just come out and say it. But yeah, tell me everything later?” And she's back.

  I nod. There's no way I can keep hiding this from her. I hold out my finger for a pinky promise and she doesn't even question it, just links her finger with mine and shakes. That's why she's my best friend, she gets me.

  “Thank you.” She hugs me tight, and her familiar fruity smell comforts me. “You know I love you, right? Lots. Like a sister. Nothing you can tell me will freak me out.”

  “What if I tell you I'm having an affair with a humpbacked lesbian midget with twelve toes and no hair?”

  “Nope, not even that. But nice imagery.” She lets me go and I grab my coat and bag and join Kip out front where he's been trying unsuccessfully to get Eli to crack a smile. I don't think Ibbie has mentioned anything, but he can tell I'm upset.

  “Come 'ere, baby girl.” He slips a comforting arm around my waist and I lean on his shoulder as we walk out. “Hey, did you see Mr Keegan over there. Love seeing teachers outside school, it's freaky.”

  I try really hard not to, but I can't help but glance back at Silver and his gorgeous date one last time before I leave, kind of like when you see a squished bunny on the side of the road and you want to look away but your eyes can't stop fixating on all the gross, pink, splattered intestines.

  But this time Silver isn't laughing or flirting or being vomit inducing in general. He's staring at Kip, livid. As we approach the door he half rises out of his seat, looking like he's ready to launch a full on attack on an unsuspecting Kip until his date tugs his sleeve and he remembers himself.

  I wish his anger made me feel better about tonight, but it doesn't. Not at all. Not even the ugly, jealous part of me.

  “IT'S ABOUT A guy, right?” Kip asks unexpectedly. It surprises me because for the past few minutes we've been driving in silence.

  “Huh?”

  “The reason you're upset. It's about a guy?”

  “Did Ibbie tell you that?”

  “Nah. For a girl that loves to talk so much she can be surprisingly tight lipped when it comes to other people's secrets.” He grins over at me.

  “Then how'd you guess?”

  Kip shrugs. “Because I know you pretty well by now. Besides, I sort of figured it out a while ago. What I'm thinking is that some guy hurt you before you moved here and that's why you don't date. I mean, my man Gage is pretty persuasive and you've turned him down more times than I can count.” It's only sort of-slightly-not really the truth, but I let him have it for now. Maybe after I talk to Ibbie I'll tell him the real reason too; I know I can trust him. Turns out I have a lot of people in my life I can trust these days. “You need me to kick anyone's ass and I'll do it, okay? Just let me know and I'll do it.” He reaches over and grabs my hand, squeezing tight. “Even if it's one of those scary city kids.”

  “I seem to be inspiring a lot of violence tonight.”

  “Yeah, well, you may act like a tough ass, but you're just a tiny, sweet li'l thing underneath all that armour. You need to be taken care of.”

  “What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “You don't seem your usual chipper self,” I observe.

  “I'm smiling.”

  “Not with your eyes.” When he snorts at me, I add, “And I know you pretty well too.”

  He heaves a sigh as we pull up outside my house and I make no move to get out. “I'm not sure I can talk to you about this.”

  “You can talk to me about anything, dumb ass.”

  “Even about Ibbie?”

  Uh oh. The car falls into silence and I get a bad feeling in my chest. “Aw, man.”

  “I know, I know.” He shakes his head. “But I do kinda need to talk, and I don't have anyone else to talk to about this crap. You're kind of my best bud, you know? I'm not as close to Sadie as I am to you guys, and Rafe is still my ex, even if things aren't weird between us, and Ibbie...damn.”

  “You're kind of my best friend too. You and Ibbie.”

  “Which is why it would probably be weird to talk, right?”

  I bite the corner of my lip, thinking about the secrets I've been holding on to, and how much it's sucked not being able to talk to anyone about them. Even telling Eli earlier tonight had been a huge relief. Terrifying, but a weight off my chest. It'd be mean for me to deny Kip of that too, right? “No, it's okay. You can talk to me.” I mean, how bad can it be?

  “I don't think I have feelings for Ibbie. At least, not in the way she does for me.”

  Oh. Right. That's how bad.

  WHEN I GET home I give in to the hot, demanding urge to cry. These are the first tears I've ever shed over someone who isn't my mother. They're mostly selfish tears for myself, but some are for Ibbie. Kip and I sat in the car for at least an hour discussing his issues, about how he'd been drunk at the party they hooked up at and had never intended for things to be serious. In the end he could do nothing but promise to talk to her.

  Less than thirty minutes into my pityfest, I get a text from Silver.

  Come down. We can drive somewhere and talk

  I ignore it. But two minutes later I get another.

  Please come down

  When I still don't reply, he texts again.

  I'm begging you

  He starts calling so I switch off the phone. I also man up and dry my eyes, ashamed of myself for acting like such a...a girl. From now on, I'm bringing back tough Blair.

  I MANAGE TO avoid Silver—and everyone else—for the rest of the weekend by staying up in my room and studying my cute little butt off.

  But classes come around on Monday and I refuse to keep hiding, though I admit I did briefly consider pretending I was sick and skipping, but then I realized that would make me a giant idiot. College is just around the corner, so close I can practically touch it, and I refuse to let my stupid feelings for a guy get in the way of that.

  When I get to Silver's class I'm momentarily surprised to see that he looks just as dishevelled and sleep deprived as I do. There are bags under his eyes and his usually perfectly pressed shirt is wrinkled, and he's forgone a tie completely. I hope it's because he's been miserable like me and not because he's been doing it freaky wild man style with his perfectly perfect date all weekend.

  Unlike the past few weeks, Silver tries to catch my eye whenever he can; it's highly distracting and super annoying. Like he thinks giving me googly eyes in front of a room full of thirty other students is going to stop me from thinking he's a jackass? Wrong.

  “Miss Ackerman,” he calls as we file out at the end of class. “Would you mind staying behind for a minute please?”

  I can't say no in front of everyone and I hate him for that. I simmer as I wait by the door for the last students to trickle out. He cocks his head for me to come closer but I don't.

  “I-” He's interrupted when a girl hurries back in.

  “I left my...ah, found it.” She scoops her cellphone up off the floor where she must have dropped it. “See you in English, Blair.”

  Her name escapes me, so I just wave half heartedly as she walks back out.

  Silver sighs. “We can't talk here.”

  “I wasn't aware that we needed to talk.”


  He stares at me despairingly. “You know we do. And in private.”

  I want to argue with him but I know he's right. We need to settle things between us once and for all, if only so we can both try to find some kind of closure.

  RELUCTANTLY, I DRIVE by Ibbie's place after school. I spent most of the day avoiding being alone with her, uncomfortable after what Kip had shared with me, but after Friday night she insisted it was time to spill.

  She's as happy and bubbly as always, and I have to wonder if Kip has talked to her like he promised.

  Turns out he has.

  “I mean, obviously he doesn't like me the way I like him,” she announces cheerfully, laughter in her voice like she can't believe his stupidity. “I've been into him for a year; he's only just started. He needs to build it up.”

  “So...you guys are staying together?”

  “Yup. Well, we're gonna try it out, see how it goes.”

  I'm surprised by how...undramatic she's being about everything. It's very unlike her, but I'm proud. I'm also a little sad for her. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship where you knew you were more invested than the other person, where you knew you cared for them more than they do for you. But at the same time, I'm the last person that should be judging other people's relationships, so I vow to keep my opinions to myself.

  “Now to you,” she declares, as we sit down cross legged on her bed. Ibbie's room reflects her personality perfectly. It's messy and loud and full of life. Each wall is painted a different colour, clothes and jewellery and wigs lay draped over every surface, a chandelier (a prop I'm sure she's stolen from somewhere) hangs from the ceiling, and her huge canopy bed is covered by thick red drapes. It's definitely the room of an actress.

  “Me?” I ask innocently.

  “And Mr Keegan.”

  “Oh. Him. Grumble grumble.”

  “Yeah, him. Spill it, girl. The way you looked at him the other night when he was with that woman...and then the way he looked at you...phew! Like he wanted to kill Kip and then drag you somewhere by the hair to dry hump until his dangly bits wore off. Hot diggity damn, I got all flustered just watching his face.”

  “That's not true.”

  “It totally is. Even his date noticed—she was giving you total bitch stare. I heard her asking him who you were and he told her you were a neighbour, so I'm guessing she didn't realize you were one of his students, luckily for both of you. Now seriously, spill. I got a feeling this is gonna be either really gross or really kinky.”

  So I do. I tell her everything: how we met at the diner, making out in his Jeep, seeing each other again at Granny Yo's and kissing again before finding out he was my teacher, trying and failing to stay away from each other all those months, and then our final kiss on New Year's Eve. It's crazy how much of a relief it is to tell her, to get everything out. I hadn't realized how crappy keeping all of this in was, not just in general, but from her. She really is my best friend.

  “Sweet, merciful cocker spaniel,” she marvels, after staring at me with her chin dropped for a full thirty seconds. “Damn, that's sexy. It sort of makes sense but also totally doesn't. Who knew nerdy Mr Keegan was your type? I always thought you were turning down Gage because he wasn't bad boy enough for you, but now I realize he isn't good boy enough for you.” She stifles a giggle. Her amusement should annoy me, but mostly I'm just glad she isn't freaking out. “God, all those times I tried to set you up with Gage. Cringe attack.”

  “I'm messed up in the head,” I groan, flopping back into her mountain of red and black pillows.

  “Naw,” she comforts, patting me on the belly like I'm a little puppy dog. “I've never really thought about it, but Mr Keegan is totally hot, especially when he's getting all passionate about what he's teaching in class. What's he kiss like?”

  “Like he's making love to you with his mouth.” I slap myself in the forehead. I can't believe I just said making love. I'm so lame.

  “Girl, keep talking like that and I'm going to be lusting after him too. Aw, you'd be the cutest, most mismatched couple. It'd be so sweet. He's totally not who I guessed you'd go for, though.”

  “Who did you think I'd go for?”

  “I dunno, maybe...a biker?” We both laugh at that.

  “I guess before I came here that might have been true,” I admit. “But I'm different now.”

  “Good different or bad different?”

  “I'm not sure. Good, I think. I want different things for myself than I used to.”

  “Well that's okay.” She lays next to me and links her fingers with mine. “It's all part of being a human bean.”

  “A human bea...oh, never mind.”

  “You know, whatever happens...you've always got me.”

  We roll our heads to look at each other and I smile. “I know.”

  IT'S JUST AFTER ten when I park next to Silver's Jeep in the parking lot of the park. I was worried ten was too early, but I shouldn't have been, not in a nice little town like Fortune.

  I pull myself into the Jeep with a heavy sigh. This time no music plays to soften the dark night.

  “Are you dating Kip Radcliff?” Silver has the nerve to demand as soon as the car door clicks shut. “Or is it Gage Chadwick? Sorry, I can't keep up.” He sounds like a bitchy girlfriend.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Just tell me!”

  “Get a grip!” I go to climb out of the car but he tugs my hand to stop me.

  “Fine, I get it, it's none of my business. You don't have to go.”

  “Damn right it's none of your business,” I huff, but I settle back into my seat and he pulls his hand away. “God, go screw yourself. Better yet, go screw your new girlfriend.”

  His holier than thou, pissed off attitude vanishes and his whole body seems to deflate as he looks down in shame. He cracks his knuckles anxiously. “I'm sorry about Seanna, that was a dumb move on my part. She and I aren't dating. I mean, we went out on that one date, but that was it. Nothing happened, not even a goodnight kiss. And honestly, that date was never about her... But you already know that. Seanna's just a woman from the museum who's been asking me out a lot.” He rubs a hand over his tired face. “I don't even like her. She's annoying and she always gets her World War II facts wrong.” A couple of weeks ago that last comment would have made me smile. Now it just makes me...ache. “Taking her on a date where you work was my stupid way of setting some boundaries between us.”

  “It was sick.”

  “It was.”

  “You suck.”

  “I do.”

  “And why do we need boundaries? We haven't even spoken outside class in weeks. We've barely spoken in class.”

  “I know that, but the feelings are still there, and that's the problem.”

  “Feelings?”

  “You know what I'm talking about, Blair. I feel it every time we look in each other's eyes, every time we're in the same room. Hell, you could probably be in an entirely different state and I'd still feel it. And these feelings that I have for you and the ones I know you have for me are wrong, even if it doesn't seem that way when we're together.”

  How am I supposed to keep on hating him when he says stuff like that? When he breaks my heart and glues it back together and breaks it again all in one heartfelt speech. “What exactly is it you feel for me?”

  “Everything. I feel too much of everything for you, when I'm around you. And we have crossed so many lines as it is. I have crossed so many lines. You gotta know that.”

  “Of course I do. I'm not stupid.”

  Shaking his head, he says, “I know you're not stupid. You're one of the smartest, brightest, most awesome people I've ever met in my life. You're like the shining sun up in the sky; I know I shouldn't look because it'll just leave me aching but I can't help myself so I do it anyway, damn the consequences. You're ridiculously beautiful, and not just on the outside. And God, the fact that I feel this way, the fact that I keep making excuses to be around you when I know it's wron
g makes me doubt myself, not just as a teacher, but as a good person in general. I've always tried to be a good guy and...now I just don't know.”

  He sounds so utterly broken and defeated, and just like that my anger at him seeps away, leaving me empty and hollow inside. All this time I've been so mad at him for screwing with my head, but now I realize he's been just as messed up as me, maybe even more so. These games I'd thought he's been playing with me, he hadn't been doing it on purpose, they were just the actions of a guy as miserable and conflicted as me.

  I swallow around a lump in my throat, resisting the urge to run my fingers through his hair in comfort. “You're a good guy, Silver. The best I've ever met.”

  He smiles sadly at me. “Then you haven't met a lot of great guys.” We both know that's a hard truth.

  “So what do you want to do now? What do you suggest? We've already been staying away from each other.”

  “Keep doing that, I guess.” Giving a tense sigh, he rolls his head back and his neck cracks. “But we need to do other things too. This conversation has helped, don't you think?”

  “Maybe. I still need time to process.”

  “We need a clean break. Ever since I met you it's like I rely on seeing you to make me happy or something.”

  “Me too,” I admit, though it costs me a piece of my heart. This honesty we're sharing scares me, but he's right, we need it. “You're always the first person I want to talk to about things, to share things with.”

  For a moment happiness lights him up like the stars at night, and then he remembers that it's not a good thing and his face falls. “I feel the same way. So we need to stop...that. We need to stop relying on each other. I need to be your teacher and you need to be my student and that's it. No dancing, no night time drives, no watching the stars, nothing.”

  I nod. “But what about Nash? Won't he think it's odd when his best friend and his little sister can't be in the same room together?”