The Quarterback's Crush

by John R. Petrie

  By the time I’d closed his door and made my way around the front to get in the driver’s side, he was already buckled and looking at me. “I think so. I’ll get the scores in about a month. It was pretty easy. I wish I’d done better the last time. Rick got an almost perfect score.” I started the car and slowly backed out of his driveway. “What happened? Is that why you weren’t in school yesterday?”

  “I, well.” I realized I should have practiced this conversation, but I was so worried about making sure everything was ready at the house that I hadn’t even thought of it. “Well, Tommy. And don’t freak out. I’m totally fine, but I got jumped in the weight room at school on Thursday. I’m fine. I’m totally fine, and you don’t need to worry about it. I can’t really be at practice for about a week, but the doctor says I’ll be fine. And I don’t have a concussion, which is awesome.” I smiled. “Fine. Just, if we hug tonight, don’t squeeze too tight. My ribs are a little sore.”

  “What do you mean you got jumped?” There was something weird in Tommy’s voice. I hadn’t ever heard it before. I’d seen him happy, sad, scared, and most things in between, but this was something new. “Who did it? What happened?”

  I told him what I remembered, which still wasn’t much. I kept quiet that I was pretty sure it was Russell and his friends. I sure as hell didn’t want Tommy thinking about those losers tonight. “Tommy, I’m fine.” The red light we were stopped at seemed to last forever, and I reached over and carefully took his hand in mine. I squeezed it gently. “Everything’s fine.” He didn’t squeeze back, but he wrapped his fingers around mine and it felt perfect. By the time we pulled into my driveway, Dad’s car was there, and I pulled in right behind him. “I should have gotten you some flowers. I meant to do that, but I forgot. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.”

  “No, you’re not. And don’t ever say that about yourself.” There was that edge to his voice again. It was almost mean, and Tommy was never mean.

  I smiled to try to lighten the mood. “C’mon. I want you to get to know my dad a little.”

  I held the door open for Tommy and he walked in, stopping right inside. I closed the door and put my hand on his shoulder, taking his coat off and hanging it up on the rack inside the door. I led him to the living room. We walked in and my dad was standing there, the picture of us at the zoo in his hands.

  “Hey, Dad. You remember Tommy, right?” My dad took a deep breath and turned around with a smile on his face. The whole house smelled like tomato sauce and garlic, and Dad’s eyes were a little wet like he’d either just stopped crying or was about to start. I hoped he wasn’t going to cry over his son’s first date.

  “Of course. Hi, Tommy. Welcome.” He looked over Tommy at me. “Sorry, Dylan. I just forgot. I forgot about this picture.” He put it carefully down and then moved it a little bit, fussing with it. “Please, Tommy, come in and make yourself at home. Would you like something to drink? We have water or some pop. Milk?”

  “Water is great, Mr. Porter.” Tommy carefully sat down at the edge of the couch and kind of perched at the edge. “Thanks.”

  “I’ll get it, Dad. Do you want anything?”

  Dad held up his hands. “I’m good for right now, Dylan.”

  I went into the kitchen and poured Tommy some water, added a few ice cubes and checked on the food. I could hear my dad making small talk. Tommy seemed a little bit shyer with Dad than he did with Riley. I grabbed a coaster from the dining room table and set Tommy’s water down. I wanted to sit right next to him, but my dad was watching and, as cool as he’d been with everything, I figured I shouldn’t take any chances getting too hands-on with Tommy.

  Between Dad and me, we seemed to keep the conversation going, but Tommy was so quiet, it got awkward a few times. At six o’clock the doorbell rang, and Dad went to answer it.

  I leaned toward Tommy. “Is everything okay? You seem nervous.”

  “No, Dylan,” he answered quickly. “Everything’s fine.” He tried smiling, but it wasn’t his real smile. I knew him well enough to know that.

  I heard Jonny’s voice and then Allie’s, as Jonny introduced her to my dad. She was laughing at something my dad said as they all walked into the living room. “That’s really nice of you to say, Mr. Porter. We both know he really traded up when he stopped dating cheerleaders.”

  “What can I say, Mr. Porter?” Jonny shrugged as my dad took Allie’s coat and then his, hanging them up with Tommy’s. “Smart girls are hot.”

  Allie laughed again. “He’s not the first guy to say that to me.”

  I stood up. “Hey, guys. You want something to drink?”

  “Soda,” Jonny said immediately.

  “Ugh,” Allie replied. “You know that stuff is going to kill you one day, right?”

  “You want some water, Allie? Or milk?”

  “Water, please.” She sat down next to Tommy. “How were the ACTs?”

  He nodded, not really responding, and I excused myself. I got their drinks and pulled the lasagnas out of the oven so they’d set for a little bit before serving. I turned the oven down, pulled out some garlic and butter and started to brush the bread. Riley bounced into the kitchen while I was putting the loaf in the oven.

  “Hey, dude. How you feeling?” He pulled the refrigerator open and pulled out one of Dad’s beers. “You think your dad would mind?”

  “I’m guessing he’d kill both of us.” I laughed. I could always count on Riley to make me laugh.

  He put the beer back and pulled out a can of soda. “How’d Tommy take the news?”

  I pulled out the salad and the olive oil. “It’s weird, dude. He didn’t say anything. He just got really quiet.” I poured some of the oil over the salad. “I should have postponed dinner until I looked better.”

  “For getting your ass kicked, you look fine.” Riley punched me gently on the shoulder. “I’m not hitting on you, Dyl.”

  “Ugh.” I hit him back. “Don’t even joke about that. You’re not my type.” I grabbed Allie’s drink, and then Jonny’s. “Get a couple of coasters, okay?”

  When we got back to the living room, everyone was there. Chad was introducing Rick, Robert, and Mouse to my dad and Steven was talking to Tommy. Trying, anyway. Tommy was even less chatty with him than he was my dad. He looked up when I walked in and frowned at me. Was he mad that everyone was there? That was the deal I figured we had with Mr. Peterson, so I had to have everyone come over. Did I get that wrong?

  I kind of tripped over my own tongue when I saw Tommy staring at me. “You guys all set? Dinner’s ready.”

  Everyone filed into the dining room, Tommy coming into the room last. His whole body stiffened up when I rested my palm on his back, and I pulled it off immediately, like I burned my hand. I pulled out his seat, but he wouldn’t look at me. I wondered what the hell I’d done and was in some weird sort of daze. I pulled the bread out of the oven and turned it off. I brought the bread and the salad out to the table and sat down right next to Tommy. We started passing the food around, but Tommy was picking at his plate.

  I smiled at him. “Is everything okay?”

  “I can’t do this.” He put his fork down and stood. “I’m sorry. I have to go.”

  I put my fork down. I knew everyone was staring, but I didn’t look at anyone but him. He looked angry. “Are you sick?”

  “No. I just have to go. I can’t tutor you anymore.” He turned to my dad. “Sorry, Mr. Porter.”

  I stuttered, trying to figure out what was going on. Where was the guy who smiled at me the other day? The one who snuck out of his house and sat close to me, looking up at the stars, telling me he’d thought of me. I started toward him. “I’ll drive you home.”

  “No!” he snapped, almost shouting. “I’ll walk home.” He turned and started walking toward the door.

  “Tommy, what’s wrong?” I touched his shoulder, and he whirled around, knocking my hand off him.

  “Stay away from me.” He paused and swallowed. “Faggot.” He ran to the
door and pulled it open, not bothering to close it, letting the cool fall air into the house while he ran down the street.

  I heard Riley behind me. “Damn.”

  Someone’s chair scraped along the hard wood of the floor, and I felt my dad’s arm around me. He turned to everyone sitting in the living room. “Would anyone mind if we called it an early night?”

  “Sure thing, Mr. Porter,” Jonny’s voice sounded small, and he touched me lightly on the arm when he passed. No one else said anything. Why would they? Allie, Rick, Robert, Mouse. They were all Tommy’s friends, not mine.

  Riley stopped right in front of me. “Do you want me to stay?” I shook my head, not trusting my own voice. “Okay. Call me if you need anything. Anytime, dude. I don’t care how late it is. I’ll leave my phone on. You promise?” I nodded, and he said goodbye to my dad.

  I stood there when Riley closed the door. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t think I could even turn my head. All I could picture was Tommy. Saying that word. That awful word. I didn’t know what I’d done. I’d tried so hard. I’d studied. I’d watched over him. I’d… failed. And Mom wasn’t here to make me feel like it’d all be okay. “Dad. I can’t breathe.” He hugged me tight. “I can’t even breathe.” I could feel a couple of tears falling down my cheeks. My dad kept his arms around me and held me tight. I pulled away from Dad and wiped the back of my hand across my cheek. I told my dad I was going to bed, and he nodded.

  I know I brushed my teeth and undressed and got under the covers, but I don’t remember doing any of it. All I remember is staring at the ceiling for the longest time, doing my best to not think about anything. I know I got out of bed, reached up, and pulled out the list I’d written about Tommy. I stared at it for a minute and then crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash. Then I went back to bed and waited for sleep.

  HOW I GOT THROUGH HEARTBREAK

  I DON’T think I got out of bed on Sunday, except to go to the bathroom once. When I walked down the stairs on Monday, I was tired, even though I’d done nothing but toss and turn in bed. I didn’t know if I had any homework or tests and I didn’t care. At the bottom of the stairs I looked up and saw Tommy’s jacket hanging on the coatrack. He’d forgotten it here on Saturday night when he ran out. I went into the kitchen, and my dad was waiting for me. It was weird. I was tired, but I wasn’t sad anymore. I was numb. I think if I was jumped today, I wouldn’t even feel it. I went into the dining room and all the food from Saturday night was gone. I’d totally forgotten about the mess in the kitchen. It must have taken my dad an hour to clean. Dad called out to me from the kitchen. I walked in, and he was standing at the sink drinking his coffee.

  “Dylan, do you want to stay home? I know it’s been a tough few days.” He looked at me carefully, as if I was made of glass and something inside me felt so awful for him. We’d made a promise to each other to treat each other better, and I’d embarrassed him in front of my friends and Tommy’s friends. I didn’t feel like I’d kept my end of the bargain.

  “I’m okay, Dad.” I smiled trying to go for an upbeat look, but I think it just came out creepy. I was not going to let him see how empty I was. Grabbing a bottle of water and an apple off the counter, I shoved them in my bag for later. I reached out and put my hand on Dad’s shoulder and squeezed. “I’m still going to practice after school. I want to make sure I’m not missing anything while I heal up.” I started out the door.

  “Dylan, call me if you need to talk, okay?”

  “I will, Dad. Promise.” I grabbed Tommy’s jacket from the rack. I wanted it out of my house. I didn’t want to think about him at all. I backed out of the driveway carefully. As long as I was doing something, I’d be good. I had to focus on something. I had to get to the end of the street. And then the next street and then the first class and the one after that and the one after that. I needed to not think about Tommy Peterson ever again.

  I pulled into the parking lot and Riley was there with Steven, Chad, and DeShawn. I pulled into the spot next to Chad’s car and grabbed Tommy’s jacket and my backpack. “Hey, guys. What’s up?”

  “Dude, you didn’t answer any of my texts or calls!” Riley was louder than ever. “You had me freaked.”

  “Sorry, Ri,” I said as I smiled at him and looked around for Rick, or any of Tommy’s friends. “I totally let my battery run out. I’m cool. Everything’s cool.”

  DeShawn frowned at me. He looked bigger than ever. “Cool? Man, I heard what happened. I’m really sorry.” He leaned against Chad’s car, until Chad pushed him off.

  “Dude, just washed it.” Chad looked at me. “Dylan, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, guys.” I headed for the front doors. “DeShawn, you want to hit the gym after school? I can’t get soft. We’ve got games to win, you know?”

  “Um—” DeShawn looked around at everyone. “—sure, we can do that.”

  “Cool. Let’s say around seven?” I stopped talking when I noticed Jonny and Allie were staring at me from the bottom of the steps and crossed to them, everyone from the team following me. “Hey, guys. What’s up?”

  Allie looked up and smiled at me like I was some puppy that had been kicked. I hated it. “Dylan, I just wanted to say, I’m really sorry. I have no idea—”

  I cut Allie off. “Yeah. Whatever. Could you give this to your friend? It was at my house.” I tossed Tommy’s jacket at her carefully and walked up the stairs, not even waiting to see if she’d caught it. I didn’t want anyone’s pity. I knew they’d give it to me. They’d let me talk about everything that’d happened until I couldn’t talk anymore. But, if I did that, if I talked about it, if I even thought about it, I’d have to feel something. I didn’t want to feel anything ever again. I didn’t say anything else when I pushed the door open. I held it for Riley, but other than that, I didn’t even acknowledge my friends. I saw Valerie on my way to the locker and nodded at her. She waved and looked at me like she was surprised I showed up. Great. Someone had said something to someone who talked to someone else and now the whole school was going to be talking about it. Poor, pathetic Dylan. Dumped by the nerd before they even kissed. At least they wouldn’t talk to me about it. My friends would only bring it up if I did and most everyone else would leave me alone.

  “Hey, queer!” Russell’s voice boomed down the hall and before I could move, he was standing next to me. “Looks like you got into a fight. Did you win?”

  I felt my heart beat faster and my stomach flip-flop, and before I could stop myself, I grabbed Russell’s shirt and wrapped my fist around his collar. I slammed him as hard as I could against the lockers, and even though my ribs would actually hurt worse later on today because I’d twisted my whole torso around when I grabbed him, I didn’t care. I knew my body hurt, but I couldn’t feel it. Numb. It felt good to be numb. Russell actually looked a little afraid when I leaned in, my face right in his. “If you ever talk to me again, I will kill you, Travers. If you ever come near me again, I will kill you. I will beat you until you beg me to stop and then I’ll keep beating you. If I ever see any of your pathetic buddies coming near me, I won’t bother with them, Travers, I will come right for you, and I will have the balls to make sure you see my face while I break your ribs.” Russell looked really scared by the time I finished talking, and Riley and DeShawn were already trying to pull me off, but I didn’t budge. I knew why Russell was so scared. I wasn’t angry. I didn’t have any emotion in my voice at all. That’s what made it frightening. “Stay away from me.”

  The only time I was ever really scared of my dad was about a week after Mom died. He was sitting in the living room, and I brought him a sandwich. I’d put it down in front of him and told him he should eat something. He just looked at me and asked why. One word and I literally shivered. There was no color to his voice. Nothing behind it. I didn’t know if he was asking why Mom died or why I’d made him something to eat or why he should eat. It didn’t matter. He was dead inside, and it scared me. I ended up staying at Riley�
��s that night. I could hear myself when I had Russell backed up against my locker. Dead inside. That’s what was scaring Russell. Good.

  I let go of Russell’s shirt and turned my back to him, pulled a couple of books out of my locker like nothing had just happened, and I think that freaked everyone out. Russell didn’t say one word, he backed off and walked away, and Riley waved DeShawn and Chad away.

  “Dylan.” His voice was really quiet, and he put a hand on my shoulder, leaving it there. “Dylan. Why don’t you go home? I’ll call your dad and let him know. I’ll talk to Coach. Go over to my house if you don’t want to be at your place. My mom won’t mind.”

  I shut my locker. I didn’t slam it, just closed it over. “I’m fine.” I walked toward my homeroom, ignoring everyone and everything around me. Numb. Numb was good. Feeling anything? Well, that hurts.

  I WAS totally alert and focused during every single class. It seemed like no matter what teacher called on me, I understood the question and had the right answer. Right before lunch, I saw Rick and Mouse in the hall. I walked right up to them, and I could see Mouse’s hands shake a little. “Rick, do you tutor trig? I need a tutor.”

  Rick opened his mouth and then shut it and then opened it again. “Sure, Dylan. I can do that if you want.”

  “I’ll be in the library after practice.” I didn’t wait for him to say anything, and I didn’t care if I was a jerk for not saying anything to Mouse, I just walked away. I skipped lunch, headed down to the gym, and threw on my workout clothes. I ran the track until I was tired and then went back to the locker room. I was changing back into my jeans when I heard a voice behind me.

  “Porter.”

  “Hey, Coach.” I sat down on the bench and pulled my sneakers on.

  He sat down next to me. “Riley came down to talk to me. He told me what happened.” Coach didn’t say anything else. He waited for me to say something. I wondered if my dad had called him too, asking him to watch out for me.