Sinned: A Priest Romance

by Daye, Veronica

  “Thanks, Mom. Just one more thing, okay? Don’t say anything about it to Dad. I’m not sure what I’m going to do or if I’m going to tell him.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I don’t want Sierra to know. I’ve hurt her enough.”

  “Well, it’s your decision to make, but maybe you should think about it. I think she would want to know.”

  “I can’t, Mom. I know her. She’d worry about me. It would interfere with everything she’s planned, and she deserves to have her dreams come true. I’ll only hold her back.”

  After the families left, I went to my bunk and re-read the letters Sierra had sent me. Like clockwork, I received a new letter every week. I really didn’t need to ask my father if he had seen her, I knew how she was doing. She told me herself.

  Every new letter I got from her was like being with her all over again. I could hear her voice speaking the words. I heard her laugh and how her voice caught when she got sad. The letters were all I had of her, but it was a tease. I wanted much more.

  During my eight weeks away, I tried to write back to her, to put my feelings down on paper. But nothing I wrote to Sierra was good enough. I wanted to tell her I left my heart with her, but everything sounded trite.

  I had one more chance before starting BUD/S to tell her, but nothing sounded right. I once told her love was too weak a word to describe how I felt, but the truth was there weren’t any words that could do it justice. As I stared at the blank sheet of paper, I decided to sacrifice my love for her so she could move on.

  I took one of my dog tags and slipped it into a small white envelope. I collected all of her letters and put them into a manila envelope with the dog tag.

  Dad was right, Sierra wasn’t a mind reader. But I knew it would be enough for her to decide she was better off without me and move on. I couldn’t risk hurting her any more than I already had.

  Present Day

  “So all this time, everyone knew except me,” she said, shaking her head.

  “I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I really thought it was better if I didn’t. After completing all of my training, I had several deployments overseas. They were very impressed with me, but I wanted to come back home and find you. I applied for a training post in San Diego and got it.

  “Before starting my new assignment, I took some leave to spend time with my mother in Arizona,” I said. “I saw something about an event you were catering in Tempe and decided it was fate telling me to go to you. I went that day to tell you everything, but then I saw you kissing another chef.

  “I grabbed someone who was setting up the food, and he told me the two of you were engaged. That was fate’s message to me. I was too late. You had done exactly what I wanted. You moved on, you were happy. You were better off without me.”

  I couldn’t look at her. I poured some Scotch into my glass.

  “Shouldn’t that be my decision to make? I’ve been mourning your death for years now. Didn’t you ever think about that?”

  “I know I was wrong. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t regret it from the moment I sent that dog tag to you. But it made sense to me at the time.”

  “And you had your father keep it from me, too.” She shook her head angrily. “How long has my mother known?”

  “She doesn’t know. My father didn’t know until today, too. I was at the function earlier. I knew you would be there and I needed to just get a glimpse of you. I thought you saw me and like a fool, I left. I drove straight to my dad’s and that’s when I told him everything.”

  “But you lied. For five years, I thought you were dead.”

  “I made a mistake. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. Please, Sierra, can’t we just forget about all of that?”

  “How can I? Whose idea was this date anyway?”

  “Dad’s. I wanted to see you, but I didn’t want to do it with your fiancé around and I didn’t know if you would agree to meet me. I didn’t know if I stood a chance, but I figured if you weren’t married yet, maybe I still had time.”

  “He’s not my fiancé anymore.”

  My heart soared hearing her words but just as quickly sank when I noticed the diamond on her ring finger.

  “You’re still wearing his ring.”

  “I was confused. I’ve been confused since I had to come back here. I don't know what I’m thinking or doing anymore. I saw you. I saw you earlier today at the function and I thought I had finally snapped. I thought I was going crazy!”

  “Keep your voice down, Sierra.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do. Do you have any idea what I’ve been through the past five years? Do you know what your death did to me?”

  “I did what I had to do. I did what I thought was best for you.”

  She stared at me as anger flashed in her eyes. I couldn’t blame her for being angry or irrational.

  “For me? Who do you think you are? You have no right to make decisions for me.”

  “That's not what I meant.”

  “Just forget about it. Forget about us.” She took a quick gulp of her drink and then she glared at me. “You can’t do this. You can’t just reappear when you feel like it and expect everything to be the same.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing.”

  “Just stop it. Shut up. I don’t want to hear any more.”

  She got up from the table and stormed outside. I followed her. She looked around, frustrated, with tears falling down her cheeks.

  “I don’t know what I can do or say to fix this, but I will do whatever it takes to make things right again,” I said.

  She stared at me with the same anger she had all those years ago as a child. Then her hand flew up and she slapped me. I didn’t budge. I didn’t even wince.

  “I deserved that,” I said. “I’ll take any abuse you can dish out.”

  Her hand came up again but stopped just before meeting my cheek.

  "Time out,” she said.

  “What?”

  “You heard me. Time out.”

  Her fingers softly stroked my cheek that still burned from her slap. I took her hand and pressed my lips to her palm then pulled her against me.

  “I’m never leaving you again,” I said as I looked into her eyes. “I promise.”

  As I stroked her hair, a cab pulled up to the valet. He waved to Sierra and she nodded.

  “I don’t know, Jagger. I just don’t know. I need time to think.”

  Before I could say anything, she stepped away from me, got into the cab, and left.

  ~ Sixteen ~

  Sierra

  I felt dizzy as the taxi pulled away, leaving Jagger behind. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do. Everything I thought for the past five years had been a lie. If only I had known the truth.

  My phone chimed and I pulled it out of my purse. Jagger’s name was on the screen, and I stared blankly at it for a moment as my heart beat wildly in my chest.

  So many things had happened in the past five years. So much had changed, but even more had stayed the same. How I felt about Jagger was one of those things.

  I swiped the screen to view the message. There weren’t any words, just a photo of him unbuttoning the blue shirt he was wearing. I wanted to see more, but I didn’t want it to sway me.

  Sierra: A striptease is not going to cut it.

  Jagger: What about a new video?

  Sierra: I need time. Please. That’s all I’m asking.

  Jagger: Just answer one thing for me.

  Sierra: What?

  Jagger: Do you still feel the same way?

  Sierra: Yes, I still hate you.

  Without any other place to go, I had the taxi take me back home to my parents’ house. As I stepped into the house, my mom ran in from the family room.

  “Phil told me everything,” she said. “What happened? Where is he? Wait, why are you home so soon?”

  “Please, Mom. Not now. I just need to think.” I started to climb the stairs, then turn
ed to her. “I know this will be hard for you, but can you do me a favor? Don’t let Jagger in.”

  “But—”

  “Please, that’s all I’m asking. I really don’t want to talk about it.”

  I went up to my old bedroom and fell onto the bed. The room was already dark so I closed my eyes to try to sleep, but I couldn’t. This time, instead of obsessing about Jagger like I had done for so long, I was berating myself for pushing him away.

  What was I thinking?

  Looking back on our history, I remembered how stubborn I had been when he came to stay for the wedding. I wouldn’t give him a chance despite how many times he proved he wasn’t the guy I thought he was. I was being stubborn now.

  The thought of spending another day without him, knowing he was alive, was worse than thinking he was dead all this time. I was angry with him for letting me believe he was gone, but I knew I could get over that. He knew what he did was wrong, and I loved him too much to stay angry forever.

  I gave up on sleep, went to the loft, and turned on the TV. Woody Allen spoke to me from the screen.

  “No, I am not watching this movie,” I muttered.

  I changed the channel, and Annie Hall appeared on the screen again.

  What the hell?

  I pulled up the guide and scrolled, but every single channel said it was playing Annie Hall. I changed the channel to the Food Network, knowing they never played movies. Annie Hall was on. Next to me, my phone lit up with a text from Jagger.

  Jagger: I told you, it’ll always be on when we make up.

  Sierra: But we haven’t made up.

  Jagger: The movie just started, there’s plenty of time.

  I watched the movie for a few minutes and then picked up my phone again.

  Sierra: Where are you?

  Jagger: Where do you want me to be?

  Sierra: Here. With me.

  Jagger: Does that mean you changed your mind?

  Sierra: No, I still hate you.

  Jagger entered the house and climbed the stairs two at a time. He knelt in front of the couch where I was sitting and held my hands in his.

  My heart was pounding. It didn’t matter how much it ached from his leaving, all the feelings I had for him were never far. They never left. I meant it all those times I told him I hated him, and I meant it now. I hated him. But only if hate meant love.

  “Why are you doing this? Why now?” I asked.

  “You wouldn’t believe the things I saw while I was deployed. The only thing that got me through it all was you. When I came back to San Diego, I didn’t care that you were with someone else. It didn’t matter to me that I stupidly let you go all those years ago. What mattered was that I love you, and I came here to find out if you still love me too.”

  A knot formed in my throat as I heard him admit the words we had never dared to say to each other before.

  “I still love you. I never stopped loving you,” I said.

  “The hardest thing I ever had to do was leave you. I can’t do that again. I won’t,” he said. “You’re my past, my present, and you are my future. Whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with me.”

  “Does this mean no more time outs?”

  He grinned. “We’ll always have our time outs.”

  He held my face with his hands and he kissed me deeply. I wrapped my arms around him and promised myself that this time, I would never let him go.

  Part Three

  Five Years Later

  ~ Seventeen ~

  Sierra

  Jagger and I spent the past couple of years trying to get pregnant. I had become a crazed woman reading and researching everything about fertility. Every morning, I took my temperature and tracked when I was ovulating. Unfortunately, it wasn’t happening.

  This month, we started fertility testing to find out what the problem was, if anything. At twenty-eight, neither of us thought there could be anything wrong, but after trying for so long without results, we needed some answers.

  I had been poked and prodded and had all sorts of tests done, but so far all we knew was that everything looked fine. We would get the results of all of our tests in a few weeks after everything was done, but in the meantime there was one more test and then a lot of waiting.

  While I stressed and worried about everything, Jagger normally rolled with it. It was one of the reasons our relationship worked. Going through the testing was the first time I had seen Jagger look nervous, too.

  I took the brown paper bag from the pharmacy and went upstairs. After carefully emptying the contents on the bathroom counter, I sat on the edge of the tub and reminisced.

  Twenty years ago, I met Jagger Myka in third grade and I hated him. Fifteen years ago, he left San Diego and I counted myself lucky that I’d never have to see him again. Then ten years ago he came back into my life and changed everything I ever thought about him. It had been five years since our blind date when we got back together and got married six months later.

  I never thought I’d be back in San Diego, but that’s where we decided to live. Jagger was still in the Navy, and I opened up a new restaurant downtown with Brayden’s help. Everything seemed perfect, but we felt there was one thing missing – a baby.

  My phone rang and I saw Issy’s name lighting up the screen.

  “Hey Issy,” I answered.

  “I was just thinking about you. What are you up to?”

  “I’m sitting here looking at this shot I’m supposed to give myself tonight.”

  “Ick, the trigger shot you told me about?”

  “Yeah, just another part of the testing to make sure everything is working correctly.”

  “You sound frustrated.”

  “I am. It’s not supposed to be this hard.”

  “Have you tried doing it in the back seat of a car? I heard that’s how my cousin got pregnant.”

  “We actually did try that. And in the back of a movie theater, at the restaurant, at my mom’s and Phil’s house.”

  “Okay, okay, I really don't need all the details,” she said, laughing.

  “I’m sure it’ll happen soon. You know you used to say that your bad luck charm came every five years. I think he’s proven to be good luck. Maybe it’ll happen now.”

  “Maybe,” I said. “But I’m beginning to lose faith. I’ve been charting and peeing on so many sticks. I’m just tired of it. Anyway, enough about me. How’s Simon?”

  “That’s actually what I’m calling you about. He proposed!”

  “Well, it’s about time. I mean, congratulations!”

  “I know, right? It’s only been ten years, but he wanted to finish medical school and everything.”

  “I’m so happy for you. Just imagine if you never gave him a chance.”

  “I could say the same to you.”

  “True.” I laughed. “True. We’ll have to go out to dinner and celebrate. Are you planning anything big?”

  “No, I want to do like you and Jagger did. Just run off somewhere and come back and let everyone know we’re married. Maybe we’ll have a little party like you did, too.”

  “Well, you’re free to use the restaurant whenever you want.”

  “Thanks! I’ll shut up now, I know you’re busy. Go shove that needle in. I want to be Aunt Issy.”

  “I hate needles.” I sighed.

  “You never hear anyone say they love needles.”

  “There’s a reason for that. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Good luck!”

  I picked up the instructions and read them. Sighing, I picked up the needle as my stomach fluttered, knowing it was the needle’s destination. I really did hate them.

  “You okay in there?” Jagger said as he opened the door.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Just trying to muster up the courage to do this.”

  “You know, I can do it for you.”

  “No, I got this. It’s just a little needle.”

  “Just a little prick. I know you’re used to big ones.” He grinned a
nd put his hands on my hips and kissed my forehead. “I know we want to have a baby, but I’d be just as happy to spend the rest of my life alone with you.”

  “I know, me too. That’s how much I hate you.”

  “Now get that done so we can knock you up.”

  “The doctor said to start trying again tomorrow.”

  “Screw the whole doctor thing and the charts and everything. I just want to make love to you.”

  I smiled and nodded. “You’re right. What the heck, we’ve done everything by the book until now. Let me take care of this and I’ll be right out.”

  “Good, I’ll be waiting. I have some new toys for us to play with.”

  As he walked out of the room, I giggled to myself. That prick, that asshole, that guy who tortured me for so long was the most amazing man I had ever met. And the sexiest.

  I re-read the instructions one last time, with Jagger waiting for me at the back of my mind. Jagger had done much braver things in his life than I ever had. I could handle a little needle.

  I looked at it for a moment and made sure it was primed, then stuck myself in my stomach. It didn’t hurt and just as quickly as I did it, I forgot about it. I didn’t want to think about the testing or the appointments or anything else. There was only one thing on my mind. I opened the door and ran into the bedroom where Jagger had lit candles and soft music played.

  “Time out,” I said.

  Nine Months Later

  “Umm…Jagger?” I called out.

  When he didn’t answer, I went downstairs and found him, my mom, and Phil sitting outside on the deck. My due date was in a couple of weeks, but the doctor was pretty sure I was going to be late. I thought he was wrong.

  “Have you heard from your mom?” I asked. “She should have been here by now.”

  Jagger’s mom decided to surprise us by calling us the night before, saying she had driven in from Tucson. She didn’t want to bother us so she stayed in a hotel and was planning to come over for lunch.