Don't Hold Back_To Have and to Hold

by Renee Dominick

  She shoved a slab of granite in front of the Rob Dreams crypt. Time to let that thing die. She needed to alert Chloe, pack, and get moving.

  But she didn’t get up. Something plopped on her thigh and a small, dark circle bloomed on her sweatpants. She stared at it, and another appeared. And another.

  Damn. Once the tears started, there was no stopping them at all.

  …

  She waited it out for an hour, until she’d run dry, and her sobs were more hiccups than bawls. The sun had climbed over the hills, to shine down on the ranch by the time she plodded back up the driveway, but she clutched her sweater around her anyway.

  As she neared the lodge, Rob came thumping down the stairs, his shirt held closed by two buttons mismatched from their holes, and his hair standing every which way. He looked sleepy and sexy and hot as fuck. Exactly what she did not need.

  “Jenna, what the hell. I can’t believe you walked out without a word.”

  The emotional roller coaster of the last ten hours left her entirely unable to respond with anything like tact. “You’re joking, right? You didn’t want me in your room at all. Now you’re barking at me for leaving?”

  “Dammit. I’m sorry.” He reached out, his arm hooking around her waist as she veered to walk past. When he had her wrangled, he nudged up her chin. “You’ve been crying.”

  Jenna shoved his hand away, admittedly with more force than was polite. “Let go, Rob. I can’t handle you right now.”

  “Jenna, talk to me. Why have you been crying?”

  “Not over you, if that’s what you’re worried about,” she said, the lie coming so easy. She was precariously close to blubbering again. “Please let go of me.”

  His hands fell away but rather than let her escape, he took one of her hands and pressed it to his chest. “Jenna.”

  Shit. One word, two fucking syllables! How had she given him so much power that he could do that to her.

  “I’m worried about you.”

  “I’m fine, seriously. I really need to go.”

  “Go where?”

  Of course that would be the moment her phone rang. She stabbed the answer icon. “Hello, this is Jenna.” She lowered her head and wove around Rob as she listened to the police officer tell her what was going on. She let him know she would be there to pick up her brother as soon as possible. When she hung up, Rob was right on her heels.

  “What is going on, Jenna?”

  She spun on him. “Would you stop?” Her voice was shrill, but she couldn’t help it. “Just stop. I have to go talk to Chloe.”

  “I want to help.”

  “You can’t.” Jenna headed into the lodge, and this time, he didn’t follow.

  She used the house phone and had the desk put her through to Chloe’s cabin. Two minutes later Chloe ran into the lobby, and Jenna gave her the news.

  “You’re just going to leave?” Chloe said, sounding more hurt than Jenna anticipated.

  “He’s sitting in a police station, Clo. What else can I do? Make him take the Greyhound back to Seattle? My mom won’t pick him up. He’d have to hitch a ride home…”

  Chloe dropped onto the couch. “Okay, just…let me think.”

  “Believe me, I’ve considered all the options. None of them are good.”

  Chloe snorted. “I’m going to give Stephen a stern talking to, you know that, right?”

  Jenna gave a quiet laugh. Thank God for Chloe. “You can have what’s left when I’m done.”

  “Okay, wait.” Chloe flicked her finger on her phone screen. “How far is Ephrata from…” Her voice trailed away.

  “Far,” Jenna said. “It’s fucking far from everything. You don’t have to solve my problems, Chloe. This is your fun weekend.”

  She stared up in disbelief and Jenna’s heart gave a squeeze. “It’s not my fun weekend if you’re not here.”

  “Come on, sister,” Jenna said, trying to sound perky. “You have Dave.”

  “Like he can replace you,” Chloe said.

  They both laughed, even though Jenna’s was sad. “It won’t happen the weekend of the wedding, I promise. I’ll let Stephen rot if I have to.”

  “You would never, and you shouldn’t. Look—” Chloe held her phone up to Jenna, with a map showing. “Rob worked near there one summer. It’s not right next door, but it’s much closer than you are right now.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Chloe. I just wanted to apologize before I pack and find a ride to the car rental place.”

  “Jenna, wait. Just give me a sec. I might have a way to get him faster, and then you can stay. I don’t want to have this weekend without you.” She put the phone to her ear. Jenna could hear the ringing on the other end from where she stood. “Rob?”

  No! Jenna mouthed, waving her hands. Chloe put up a stern finger and asked Rob to come to the lobby. When she disconnected, she reached for Jenna’s wrist and gave her a look of maternal disappointment. “I know you want to go, but if there’s a better plan, will you listen?”

  “Chloe—” Jenna objected, but stopped when Rob turned the corner. He hesitated a second before joining them.

  “What’s up?” he said, directing his question to Chloe.

  “Stephen’s in jail,” Chloe said, pulling Jenna down beside her.

  Rob looked hard at Jenna.

  “Not in jail-jail,” she said. “He’s not under arrest. But he does need a ride home.”

  “Where is he?” Rob said, his voice taking on an officious edge.

  “Ephrata,” Chloe said. “Can he go to that ranch you were at, Rob? Don’t they work with juvenile prisoners?”

  “Chloe!” Jenna said.

  “Not that Stephen is, but they have, like…rooms, and a van to pick him up.”

  “Foster kids, Chloe. I can give Matt a call,” Rob said.

  “No. No one is going to pick up Stephen but me,” Jenna objected.

  Chloe looked at her with a frown remarkably like her brother’s. “You said you’d listen.”

  “No, I didn’t,” Jenna said. She was being stubborn, but she felt cornered by the tag-teaming Lindgrens.

  “I’ll call,” Rob said. “He may say no, anyway.” He started dialing and walked outside.

  “Chloe.”

  “Let him try to help, Jenna. It might be a win-win. I know Stephen’s your brother, but—”

  Jenna shook her head. “I have to get packed,” she said, getting off the couch. “I’m really sorry this happened.”

  She couldn’t even look at Chloe as she left the lobby, for fear of the disappointment she’d see on her friend’s face. Why did she fucking have to choose between her family and her best friend?

  Back in the cabin, she called the front desk, arranged a ride to Sandpoint, and threw everything she’d unpacked less than a day ago back in her suitcase. She didn’t even take the time to shower. She just wanted to get going. But when she rolled her suitcase down to the front porch of the lodge, Rob was sitting on the top step, waiting for her.

  …

  He’d never seen her so fragile, so emotional. It frightened the hell out of him and brought out his protective instincts, but she thought of herself as a rock. She wouldn’t like him coddling her now, any more than she had earlier.

  “I can’t believe you didn’t ask me to help you with this,” he said.

  She sighed and sat down next to him. Too stubborn for her own good, but at least she wasn’t shunning him anymore. “Why would I?”

  He blinked at her, the realization of how she thought him inconsequential giving him pause. “Because I’m a lawyer? Even if I’m not practicing, I did go to law school in this state. I know plenty of people who can help.”

  “He’s not in legal trouble, though.”

  Rob blew a loud breath. “Jesus, Jenna, you’re smarter than that.”

  “Fine. Do you want the honest truth?”

  “Of course I do.” Even though it exposed him as a hypocrite, considering he hadn’t been transparen
t with her. His churning stomach warned him he wasn’t going to like whatever she was about to say. But since he hadn’t been able to step up himself last night, the very least he could do was listen to her.

  She put her hands together between her knees. “I can’t rely on you. I can’t need you. I want you carved out of my life. The hard way, if necessary.”

  He couldn’t have been gutted more thoroughly with a hunting knife. Wanting the truth and hearing it were two totally different things. He couldn’t breathe, and he was dizzy with it. When his lungs worked again, he said, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Jenna.”

  Her head shook. “No, it’s not that. You opened my eyes. You did good.”

  Rob couldn’t even wrap his head around how badly he’d fucked this up. She was wrong, she had to be. Or maybe she was right. It wasn’t up to him to decide what she needed, or didn’t need, in her life.

  The thought left him empty, so he turned away from it and went back to something he could do right. “Matt is happy to pick up your brother,” he said quietly. “It’s an hour’s drive, tops. Stephen will be out of Ephrata and at the riding center before you could even get to him from here.”

  “No. I can’t ask a stranger to pick him up.” Her voice was firm, but her expression wavered.

  “Jenna, Stephen left home with virtual strangers. He’ll be fine cooling his heels at Matt’s place. This is what they do. They work with all kinds of kids. They have quiet, private rooms, home-cooked food, and even video games. It’s low-key.”

  She looked at him with a doubtful expression.

  “I’m telling you, from the perspective of a once-eighteen-year-old male, you are not helping by riding immediately to his rescue. He lashed out by doing something that wasn’t smart. It’s okay if he has a little time on his own to think about it. It’ll give you both a cooling-off period.” He bumped her with his shoulder. “I suspect you’re going to need it.”

  “A night in jail isn’t payback enough?”

  “It sounds like he had it pretty cushy.”

  She narrowed her eyes at him. “How do you know that? And that he left home with strangers?”

  Rob felt himself flush. “I talked to the Ephrata police chief.”

  “You what?”

  “I told him I was Stephen’s lawyer. Jenna.” He peeled her clenched fingers apart, took one of her hands, and gave it a little shake to focus her. “This is a good solution for Stephen. Once he gets to the riding center, you can talk to him via video chat. Afterward, if you still think you need to go get him, then go. You’ll only lose a couple of hours by waiting.”

  She pulled her hand back, stood up, and started to pace. It was a reasonable plan. If she ran away now, it would obviously not be just because of Stephen. It would be because of Rob, too. The truth of it made him feel like one big prick.

  He tried to wait patiently when she sat down against the rail on the far end of the porch and made a phone call. She held her head in her hand and spoke too quietly for him to hear, but he made himself stay on the stairs, when what he wanted to do more than anything was go hold her. Seeing her so raw and vulnerable tormented him. Knowing he had a part in it made it that much worse. Finally, she came back to stand over him.

  “I called Stephen. He’s willing to go along with your plan, so I’ll stay for now. But Rob, I need you to forget I’m here. You were right at the beginning. We should have avoided each other.” She reached down. “Give me your phone.”

  He handed it over, wary. “Jenna—”

  “Stop. I’m putting my number in here. When you’ve made the arrangements with your friend, send me a text with how I get in touch with these people.”

  “I can do that right now,” he said when she gave him the phone back.

  “Go ahead, I’m not hanging around to wait. I have to tell the desk to cancel my ride.”

  “I’ll find you after, then.”

  “No, Rob. Just text me.”

  They stared at each other for a long time. Everything inside him wanted to bundle her up like a fragile teacup, to keep anything from breaking her into small pieces. Including him. He pursed his lips and nodded.

  “Thank you,” she said, and left him sitting there alone.

  Chapter Eight

  The events of the last day had crashed over Jenna hard and towed her under.

  Just when she had Rob written off, he came back all noble and solicitous, and though she’d done the right thing, being brutal and blunt, it left her with an aching sense of finality. She simply didn’t have any room left to adjust.

  Thankfully, Talia and Rachel hadn’t been in the cabin when she got back, and after a long soak in the bathtub, Jenna had been able to find a few more hours of sleep.

  When she woke, she checked in with Stephen, and then Rob’s friend, Matt, and felt less bleak. Not out of the woods but just eased enough that she felt she had room to breathe, enough that she could stay without feeling guilty. It was only one day.

  She called Chloe and gave her the news, then had to hold the phone away from her ear to prevent the resulting scream from damaging her ear drum.

  “Hurry up and get your boots on, sister. We’re all down here waiting for the trail ride.”

  Jenna wrinkled her nose at the pink boots flung into the corner, but she was done disappointing Chloe. “I’m coming right now.”

  The ranch hands were all on duty, evaluating riding skill and fitting stirrups, helping people to mount up and giving quick lessons in horse steering. Jenna stood off to one side, frowning. She tried not to watch Rob, who had joined in to help, but she wasn’t successful. His confidence with the horses had been as much a revelation as seeing him disheveled and half dressed. Or finding out just how well he knew his way around the female anatomy. Not that those discoveries mattered now.

  Marianna called him over and they messed with one of the saddles, while Jenna absorbed the small swell of resentment bubbling up inside her. Marianna was exactly the kind of person Rob needed. Pretty, self-possessed, and comfortable in boots. Jenna didn’t even care about horses. She watched the two of them work side by side in total compatibility, until Marianna waved Jenna over, and Rob moved away. “You ready?”

  “Not exactly.” Jenna dragged her feet as she neared.

  “This is Cookie.” Marianna patted the backside of the black-and-white horse. “For how sweet she is.”

  “Will she respond if I accidentally call her Oreo?” Jenna asked. Marianna laughed. She had a wide, easy smile and twinkling eyes. Jenna couldn’t even muster a tiny bit of dislike for her.

  “Give me your foot,” Rob said, appearing out of nowhere.

  “Oh.” Jenna picked up her knee.

  “Not like that.” Rob bent his knee so his foot went back, heel by his thigh. “Like this. Hold on to the pommel.”

  She did as he showed her, and he boosted her so fast she almost flew right over. Talia burst out laughing. “You should have seen him boost me. I almost gave him a bloody nose.”

  Rob shook his head good-naturedly, then made a quick check of Jenna’s stirrup, his hand smoothing up her calf. She jerked her head to look down at him, but all she could see was the top of his hat. “Pull the reins across her neck to direct her,” he said, and gave a demonstration, ignoring the caress as if it was just part of the whole stirrup adjustment. For all Jenna knew, it was.

  She swallowed the clot of misery that lodged in her throat as Rob swung into the saddle of the big gray horse he’d befriended. The horse sidestepped, but Rob seemed to handle him almost instinctively, without the least bit of panic and a firm hand on the reins. She could watch him like this forever, so relaxed and at ease, but Cookie lurched into motion, and Jenna had to grab the saddle horn as the long line of horses—with Chloe and Dave near the front, and Rob and Marianna bringing up the rear—ambled away from the barns.

  They headed uphill, passing through a narrow opening in a granite wall, emerging into an enormous meadow the shape of an eye. Jenna gasped. Grass and wildflowers
filled the flat center, and sheer rock walls rose in arcs on both sides. “Wow.”

  “No kidding,” Talia replied as their horses came side by side. Talia’s bent its head to nibble the grass.

  Marianna pulled up on Talia’s reins. “Keep their heads up or they’ll try to graze all day.”

  “What is this?” Jenna asked. “It’s amazing.”

  “We had a geologist in here once,” Marianna said. “She said it was an ancient lake, and as the land eroded away after the last ice age, that part caved away.” She pointed to the opening they’d come through. “All the water ran down where the ranch is now. But it left this, so pretty cool.”

  More than cool. Magnificent. Jenna would have been happy to let Cookie munch to her heart’s content so she could hop off and run through the sea of green and yellow and orange. Or fling herself down to look up at the bright blue sky with the flowers waving all around her. She’d never seen anything like this place with her own eyes.

  Talia thudded her heels into her horse’s side and pulled on the reins, but she was no match for the hungry animal. Rob trotted up, grabbed hold of one rein, and clacked his tongue. “Let’s go,” he said, stretching out the horse’s neck until it began to trot after the gray horse, and Cookie took Jenna bouncing along with them. “Holy!—” Jenna grabbed the pommel with both hands, certain that’s not what she was supposed to do. She held on for dear life.

  They ascended another hill on a path that wove through stands of pine trees before they reached a plateau and stopped for a box-lunch picnic. Wave after wave of tree-covered hilltops marched off in the distance, and bold jays swooped up from below the ridge to snatch at crumbs and bits of bread some of the guests offered them. Rob sat with Marianna and the ranch hands, laughing as a bird perched on Marianna’s hat for a piece of bread he had put there. Jenna sat with the other members of the wedding party and tried not to feel like she’d made a terrible decision.

  By the time they returned to the stable, Rob had all but ignored her for the better part of two hours, just as she’d asked him to do, but Jenna still couldn’t stop watching him. Her whole being yearned toward him as he stroked one horse’s neck, reached with his strong hands for the bridle of another—hands that had set her alight not very many hours ago. He led both horses toward the barn and disappeared inside.