Into the Darkness

by Kat T. Masen

  “You said it, sister. How are things with your honey down under?” I asked, happy to get off the topic of my turbulent love life.

  “I’m confused. I thought I trusted him but I keep hearing stories from friends and they don’t match with what he tells me and so…I’m not sure. Like for instance, I called up and his mom said he was asleep and then I checked Instagram and one of my friends posted this pic of her at the club with some girls and in the background I saw the back of his neck, I knew it was him because the shark tattoo was easy to spot. I asked her if she was there and she said yes. I didn’t ask him if he was there but the next day I told him I tried to call him and he was like yeah, sorry babe, I had a headache and went to bed.”

  “I’m sorry, Kate. It doesn’t sound right. I’d be feeling the exact same way as you. Look, you need to confront him. If he is doing this then you need to walk away and stop wasting your time.”

  “I know, but I want to confront him in person. He is coming to the States in three weeks for some surfer convention, I’ll do it then. I’m sick of worrying about this on top of work. Blimey, I need a bloody holiday.” Frustrated, she threw her hands in the air.

  “Oh, is the bastard boss still acting all weird?”

  “Yes. I want to ask him about it. His recent behavior has me all curious, but you do not ask him questions about his personal life. You should have seen him all last week. Screaming down the phone, slamming doors. I swear this bird is riling his feathers and she must be stupid not to see it.”

  “Maybe if my love life falls through you can set me up with him. If he is as good looking as you say.” I chuckled.

  “Ha! Something tells me he won’t stop till she is his. He is that determined. Listen, I’ve got a few things to do but I’ll be back in the city in a few weeks. Do you want to catch up for a coffee or something?”

  “Sounds great.” I gave her my number and she returned hers. We agreed to meet up when she was back in the city. I was looking forward to it. She was different from my other friends, not as dramatic. Yes, Bull’s, Eric and Adriana were drama queens just in case you couldn’t tell.

  “Thanks for listening. Hope you get closer to solving your problem with Mr. Right who is playing Mr. Wrong but is secretly Mr. Right.” She giggled, saying goodbye and I waved back as she ran off.

  I tried my best to dive into our Monday morning meeting and distract myself with work but that dream kept replaying in my mind and I wanted to see him so bad that after lunch I caved in and emailed him. I knew he would be on the plane so I didn’t expect an instant response but when his email finally came through, my heart jumped around like a lovesick fool’s. The rest of the day we emailed back and forth until he asked me if I missed him. I wanted to call him and tell him about my dream, how the thought of it becoming a reality sent shivers throughout me but in a good way. Still, I didn’t know exactly what type of relationship he wanted and so the guard stayed up, the one that reminded me every day to be cautious, to not get hurt because if that was to happen again, there was no way I would ever recover.

  I tossed and turned the entire night, not sure if I actually fell asleep or not. I grabbed my cell and did what I was desperate to do: I answered his question and told him I missed him. Much like skydiving, you hang on till the very last minute questioning your decision until finally that voice says you cannot chicken out and to have faith then that slight push till you’re free-falling. Okay, so I am still forever cursing Rocky for making me do that. I swear I nearly shit my pants and it didn’t help that my instructor was smoking hot so his wang pointing into my back the entire fall did nothing to help me either. I hit send. There, it was done and now I could sleep.

  The next few days dragged on but I kept myself as busy as possible. Spending time with Will brightened my mood. Shopping with Eric proved to be a stress reliever, right up until we entered Victoria’s Secret with Eric’s intention of buying stuff for Lex to see on me… Damn him.

  “Charlie, seriously you would rock this.” He held up a fluorescent pink thong which actually was just a piece of string.

  “Eric, what do you think is the purpose of that?”

  “I don’t know…to floss the folds?”

  I burst out laughing unable to control myself. Eric joined me. He seriously had no clue about women or what goes on down there.

  “How about this?” He held up some lacy number.

  I rolled my eyes. We searched through the store and I picked up a few new items. As we were leaving there was a set that caught my eye. It was a nurse’s outfit but it wasn’t your typical dress with boobs popping out. It was a white and red corset with little bows down the side. It came with a short white robe and garters. It was fucking hot. “Hold on a minute.” I grabbed my size and went to the counter.

  “So I guess Lex likes it when you play doctors and nurses then?” he teased. I smirked back. If only he knew.

  As the days passed I was amazed at how much work I achieved. I finally closed the Vandercamp case and of course Mrs. Vandercamp was elated. Turns out Mr. Vandercamp’s mistress left him as well so she was celebrating for two reasons. I normally don’t mix business with pleasure but when she invited me out for a celebratory drink, I didn’t hesitate.

  It was probably my first weekend in God knows how long where I spent it by myself. Apart from Saturday morning attending Will’s ball game, I spent most of the day doing boring stuff. The usual laundry, cleaning the apartment and so on. By late Saturday afternoon I was feeling restless and texted Adriana asking her if I could come over. I got up from my couch and dressed into my jeans and leather jacket. Reaching at the back of my closet I grabbed my helmet. I still remember the day when Rocky and Bull’s scolded me for purchasing a motorbike. It was an impulse buy and I always wanted to learn how to ride. I promised them I would take lessons, which I did. The instructor was smokin’ hot. Yes, he was one of my five. It lasted three minutes. Three minutes of my life I would never get back. I don’t know why Rocky made such a big deal out of me buying a bike since he borrowed it nearly every other weekend.

  My favorite place to ride was over the Brooklyn Bridge. As I revved the bike I felt that adrenalin running through me. It was a thrill and I loved every second of it. I don’t know why I didn’t do it more often, lack of time I guess. I parked the bike and pulled my helmet off letting my hair loose. I pressed the buzzer to be greeted by Adriana.

  “Char! That was quick. How on Earth did you… NO FREAKING WAY!” She raced down the steps to my bike. “OMG I love it! It’s so Dylan McKay back in the 90210 days!” she squealed while jumping on and grabbing the helmet off me. She sat on the bike pretending to ride it. “Take me for a ride, pretty please?” she begged

  “I didn’t bring my other helmet. Actually it’s permanently in Rocky’s closet now.”

  She pouted before peeling herself off. Disappointed, she took me upstairs. Elijah was on the couch playing some Xbox game. He stopped to hug me then resumed his playing. Adriana led me to her guest room which took me by surprise. It had been turned into Wedding Central.

  “Okay so I’ve narrowed it down to the pale pink or lilac dress. Can you please try them on?”

  I didn’t mind, I was just happy Adriana would finally get her fairy tale wedding. In true Adriana style, this was going to be one fancy event. Every tiny detail was written, drawn or pictured on her drawing board.

  “Where’s your dress, Adriana?” I had been waiting a lifetime to see this. I mean she had been picking out wedding dresses since we were eight but I could only assume her taste had changed a lot since then.

  “Ahh yes, all will be revealed. I want you, Eric and Nikki at the final fitting.”

  “We’ll be there, wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I smiled.

  As I tried both dresses on we agreed that the pink was the one, although it was a little tight of course in the bust area.

  “Char, you have a killer body. I would die to have your boobs. They are so full.” She grabbed my boobs which caught me
off guard so I smacked her hands away. “I’m guessing Lex doesn’t complain…” she teased.

  “Ha ha, very funny.”

  She sat on the floor placing pins on the hem where she would alter the dress. I stood there still, a little caught up in the moment. I wondered what it would be like to be standing one day being fitted for my own wedding dress. It would be lace, something simple yet classic. I wasn’t one for big weddings. Just something intimate with close family and friends. Shit, why was I thinking about this again?

  “Did you think that one day you would marry him?” she asked, hesitating slightly. The question caught me off guard. Of course I had, once upon a time, but that dream was shattered and in my mind I had painted a very different picture of Lex. The man I had once envisioned was dead to me, he was ever since he left me. But I no longer felt that way, did I?

  “I don’t know. You know I was never one of those chicks that dreamed of their wedding day since they were born…like you.” I smiled as she smiled back. “I didn’t think of the future, I only ever thought of that very moment. We were young, well I was young. Eighteen was too young for me to think of marriage.”

  “What about now?”

  “Adriana, it’s complicated.”

  “What’s so complicated? Break it off with Julian. Lex loves you, you love him. You’ve forgiven him. Time to move onwards and upwards and spend the rest of your life with each other and make beautiful babies that I can spoil rotten.”

  I froze. It seemed too surreal, having this conversation about marriage and babies with Lex. I tried to hide my feelings. It was all a little too much and suddenly I felt like I was having a panic attack, standing here in the beautiful pink dress.

  “Char, are you okay?”

  I knelt to the ground and placed my hands over my face. I could feel the weight of the phoenix, swaying as I rocked back and forth. The tears came flowing down and I begged myself not to cry, not to break down but it was so forceful. Adriana dropped her sewing kit and held onto me. There were no words, she didn’t ask and I didn’t offer, she just held me. In that moment I realized how much I’d missed her and needed her, my best friend at this moment to wash away my anxiety over this whole sorry ordeal.

  “I’m so sorry, Adriana,” I choked as the tears washed down my face.

  “Charlie, look at me.” I looked up into her eyes. She understood. She knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. “You need to open up. This demon you are carrying, you need to set it free.”

  “I thought I did… I was fine and moved on but then he came back into my life and I’m a mess. I miss him so much but I loathe him at the same time. I don’t want him to hurt me again.”

  She held onto me, quiet for what seemed like forever until I composed myself. Passing me a box of tissues, I cleaned up my face. She tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled.

  “I didn’t mean to push you, I’m sorry. But Charlie, you have to realize Lex knows the mistake he has made and it pains him every day that he put you through that. There is nothing in the world he wouldn’t do for you and hurting you again is not an option. He loves you way too much. You have to know that Lex was a lost soul for the past seven years. He was not the Lex you see today nor was he the Alex you knew back then. He barely spoke to us, to anyone for that matter unless it was work-related. He shut himself off from the world. He caused my mother endless worry. Suddenly you have brought him out whole again and…” She choked up, grabbing a tissue. “I can’t thank you enough. We’ve missed him.”

  “Your parents know about me?” I asked, shocked at the thought. It might have been seven years ago but I still felt guilty for how I treated them. They were so good to me. They always treated me like a daughter.

  “They saw a change in Lex the past few weeks and asked me what’s going on. I told them about you.”

  “And?”

  “Mom was happy. She always felt terrible for how she treated you on the street that day. Dad, well, he is very hard to read…much like Lex sometimes.”

  “Adriana, I don’t know if I’ve fully forgiven him. I’m reminded of the hurt when he is near me. How do I even get past that?”

  “You talk to him. You tell him exactly how you feel, exactly how you felt back then. You be one hundred percent honest with him.”

  “It’s too soon. I can’t pour my heart out yet, I’m not ready.”

  “It’s been a month. I don’t understand…” she said.

  “Because the moment I do, I’m scared he will look at me differently. I need to be prepared for that, know that I made the right decision in being honest with him and be able to handle his reaction.” That was the truth. There was so much more he didn’t know and I was scared he would run. I needed to be strong. That was the only way I could battle this so-called demon I carried.

  “I understand, Char.”

  We talked more about the wedding, the reception and of course the honeymoon. They were staying in a private resort at the Virgin Islands as a wedding present from Lex. Apparently he was chummy with Richard Branson. Sometimes it was like I didn’t know him at all. He was some billionaire mogul that mingled with the elite of the world.

  “Adriana, is Lex really that well off?” I asked curious.

  “We lost count years ago. God knows how many properties or investments he owns. We all got a fair share when my grandfather died but Lex built this empire. He was unstoppable but in saying that he never spent his money either. He was either working or…no wait, he was always working. I don’t think in seven years he has even taken a vacation.”

  “Wow. He was never into that whole money thing before,” I mumbled.

  “No he wasn’t but it was like it possessed him, not the money per se but the control. It was the only thing he could control in his life.”

  I changed the subject quickly because I was a tad uncomfortable talking about Lex’s wealth even though I was the one to bring it up. I wasn’t one of those girls hung up on money, probably because I had my own. When my grandmother passed away she left me her house in Connecticut and some money which she had inherited from her father. I could never bring myself to sell the house so I rented it out to a nice family that took care of the place. I paid for my college and put a deposit on my apartment and used some to start our practice. The rest I just placed into a savings account. Most of the time I forgot it was even there. I didn’t consider myself rich or anything but I didn’t have to worry about money. I wasn’t a shopaholic, unless a special occasion called for it. My grandmother taught me well and I cherished her life lessons.

  “So anyways, I forgot to tell you. One of my designers has a house in the Hamptons which she offered to let us use next weekend. Are you free? I’ve already asked Rocky and Nikki and they are in, with Will of course. Eric has some festival thing on so he can’t make it.”

  “And Lex?” I was desperate to see him hoping that he would fly in earlier than anticipated. Several times I had contemplated flying to London for a few days. OK, maybe that was my cooch talking.

  “I haven’t been able to reach him this week. He must be busy or something. I’ll try again or maybe speak to his assistant. She is my go-to when he ignores me.”

  “Sound like fun,” I said. “I’m in.”

  …

  Bull’s and I brought in a major client this week who took up most of our time. I was barely functioning, juggling meetings and getting through my case load not to mention court hearings. When Friday rolled around I was pooped. I was having one of those TGIF moments, until Julian walked into my office.

  “Charlie,” he said. Shit, there was no gorgeous?

  “Julian,” I answered with a smile. I stood up and walked over to him and placed my arms around him. He allowed me to hug him before pulling my arms off him. He was calm. He didn’t appear angry but then again men were born with the poker-face gene.

  “Where have you been?” he asked quietly.

  “At work, at home.” I laughed.

  “Why haven’t you called me?
”

  “You said you needed space.”

  “Charlie, I said you needed to think about what it is you want,” he corrected. He stood up and walked over to me, my heart was beating so loud that I could have sworn it echoed throughout the room like a surround sound system. Placing his hand on my chest, he picked up the phoenix that I still wore. “How did he know to get you a phoenix?” Fuck!

  “Excuse me?” I asked, my pits prickling with nerves.

  “You have a tattoo right here,” he says as he pointed to where I was inked, covered by the clothes I was wearing. “How would he know that?”

  Quick Charlie, answer him!

  “He doesn’t know that. My Facebook profile pic is of a phoenix. That’s how he knew,” I answered calmly, but my insides were screaming at my vagina to go sit in the naughty corner for fucking Lex behind Julian’s back.

  “Have you fucked him?”

  “No Julian, I haven’t touched him.” I could have easily ended this right now. Been honest and moved on with Lex, but I loved Julian. He was my fiancé and Lex was nothing but an ex-boyfriend right now. I was scared of making the wrong decision. I didn’t want to lose either of them.

  He pulled my hand towards him and examined the ring. After a few moments he pulled me into him and kissed me. That Hollywood movie type of kiss, the ones that were slow yet went on and on. It was good but I only allowed it for one reason, he was getting too close to the trail and I needed him to think he was on the wrong track.

  “Gorgeous…I love you…Let’s skip this whole wedding thing and just take off to Vegas. You and me.” His eyes lit up.

  “Julian, don’t be ridiculous. We can’t just run off and get married tonight.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because we aren’t ready. Our friends and family will want to be there. Please just calm down.”

  “Well this weekend I want to take you to Vermont. Just you and me.”

  “I can’t, Julian. I have plans.”

  “With Lex?” His tone stiffened