The Undead | Day 25 [The Heat]

by Haywood, RR

  I was in the front of the van with Roy. I like Roy. He’s dull AF and constantly thinks he’s sick, but he’s calm and smart, and I was glad I wasn’t in the Saxon. It was always hot and you’re literally always touching someone else. I don’t like that. I like my own space.

  Tappy is good though. And Danny. They weren’t there before with all that bad shit that happened with Lani and the fort, so they don’t care about it. And it was cool seeing Mo with a mate. He was different after Jagger died. You could see it affected him.

  Booker wasn’t there for the bad shit, but he was like the lads. Blowers, Cookey and Nick. He was literally one of them. But I don’t know. Like. I mean. I used to get this thing on the estate when I was dealing. Now and then some new guy would pop up and try and score and I’d be like no way. This guy is five-o. He’s a narc. Fuck that.

  It was like a sixth sense. Like a vibe. Even if they weren’t five-o, I could just tell if they weren’t right. Like maybe from another gang sniffing for new territory or whatever.

  I was getting that with Booker. He wasn’t a cop. I don’t mean that. I just mean something wasn’t right.

  It was like in the café when Reginald was reading the diaries out, and he got to the part about Camilla having semen on her ear from giving Neal a blowjob. Booker looked shifty AF. Then he was looking at Marcy’s chest all the time. She was kind of sat side on so we could see the shape of her boobs. She has got amazing breasts, but it was like Booker just kept staring at them, then he’d clear his throat and look away.

  I kept telling myself I was reading too much into it, but then they reached the end when Howie realised Carmen was Camilla. I could tell a few of the others hadn’t made the connection either. Danny and Mo looked surprised, and Booker definitely only realised at that point, and it was like he was suddenly uncomfortable. He kept looking away, and blinking.

  Then I figured I was wrong, and it was just me getting bored. Guarding Reggie was great. And spending all day in here Roy was better than the Saxon. But yeah. I was seriously bored.

  You’d think it would be exciting. It is, and it was. I mean it is full on fucking insane sometimes. But in-between those times is the exact opposite, and that’s what I was struggling with.

  I kept telling myself I’d go off soon and do my own thing. But I didn’t know where to go, and I didn’t really want to be alone either.

  I didn’t know what I wanted.

  15

  Diary of Paula

  How do you start a diary?

  I guess I should introduce myself. So, hello! My name is Paula. But I guess I already know that haha! (Cookey would call that a mum joke.)

  I kept a diary when I was a teenager, but that was full of boys, and music, and spots. Oh god I had terrible spots when I was a teenager. I bet Marcy didn’t.

  I just asked her. She said everyone gets pimples. Pimples? Only pretty girls get pimples. The rest of us get moon-map faces. I’m not jealous though. I love Marcy to bits. No. I am a bit jealous, but Marylyn Monroe would be jealous next to Marcy. You can’t help it. She’s flawless. I’m not exaggerating either.

  But the diaries! Yes. I just thought it would be a nice way of keeping a record of what we do because the awful reality is not all of us will make it.

  Honestly. If you are reading this in a year or five years or whenever then you need to know you’re probably only alive because of the men and women in that stinking sweat box on wheels. They spend all day fighting and running and getting hurt and they don’t ever moan.

  No. They do moan. Jesus. They moan non-stop, but never about what we do. They moan about each other (Cookey and Blowers) and being hungry (Nick) and the heat (Me) and breaking nails (Marcy) and handsome older man in tan trousers and checked shirts (Clarence and Howie). They moan about those things, but never about the constant threat of dying, or the killing we do.

  But this diary is also about keeping track of what we do other than killing – and also how bloody hopeless it is sometimes. (Or how bloody hopeless we are more like.)

  To give you an idea of what it’s like we stopped somewhere. (I need to get a map really so I can record placenames) so we could put the drone up to get a view of the town ahead.

  Howie wouldn’t normally put the drone up in an area like that. We know the towns and villages are small. (He’d normally just go in and smash them all down.)

  But Henry was with us, and I can see H & C (Howie and Clarence) were trying to step their game up, so we did stop and launch the drone.

  ‘Okay guys. Clear the launch area please,’ Nick said once we’d stopped. (He does love his drone.) ‘And launching in three, two… We’re clear. Drone is flying. I repeat, the drone is flying.’

  Then Henry told Nick he’d done a good job, which made H & C also tell Nick how great he was, while Marcy and I shared another eye roll. (We do that a lot at H & C).

  But anyway. There was nothing to see on the drone. Reginald said the town had been hit badly judging from the debris and signs of disturbance, but there was nothing there now.

  He was right too. I saw it when we drove in. A few bloated bodies here and there. Smashed in windows. Cars ditched at angles. Old blood stains on walls. The normal things we see all the time now. But nothing else, and no reaction from Meredith either.

  Then Mo saw a big bird on a roof and asked Carmen what it was. I was with H & C and Henry, waiting to see if we’d get a contact but I could hear the lads. (I can ALWAYS hear the lads).

  ‘It’s a Herring gull,’ Carmen said.

  ‘Does it have one of the Italian names?’ Danny asked.

  ‘Italian?’ Carmen asked. ‘Oh Latin! Yes, it does. Larus Argentatus.’

  ‘How do you know that?’ Danny asks.

  ‘You learn things when you’re interested in them, Danny. What do you like?’

  ‘Danny likes boobs,’ Cookey said from the other side of the road. ‘Biggus boobus.’

  ‘Smallus boobus,’ Nick said.

  ‘Anyeth boobyus,’ Tappy said. (I did laugh too. It’s hard not to sometimes. But it is nice seeing Danny and Mo take an interest in things.)

  Then we got back into the vehicles and did it again before the next town. (Stopped to launch the drone.) But we didn’t see any infected, so we got back in and drove into the town and got out again to see if any were hiding in the buildings.

  That sounds boring. But it’s important to know a lot of our time was spent looking for the infected and seeing where they were. Especially as we were searching for a control point to show Henry.

  But when we saw the next empty village Howie told Maddox to go in the Saxon so we (H & C and Marcy and I) could jump in the van with Reggie and plan a route. It was obvious H & C felt under pressure to deliver something to Henry, because right then it looked like we were driving about aimlessly.

  16

  Diary of Maddox Doku

  Me and my big mouth.

  I was boasting that I was in the van with AC and not in the sweatbox… and then I was back in the sweatbox because Howie was getting worried that they couldn’t find a control point so he jumped in the van and put me back in remedial class.

  Nah. I don’t mean that. It was okay. It was just hot. Like seriously hot. It was over forty degrees in there. The back doors were open, but it just made it noisier.

  Tappy was driving. She’s a good driver. Did you miss me baby? She said to the steering wheel when she got in the front. It’s cute really.

  We stopped a few minutes later to snoop about in another town. Man. It was baking though!

  Then Danny saw another bird. Him and Mo kept asking about them. I thought they were trying to flirt with Carmen at first, but I then I realised they actually liked learning things.

  That’s a blackbird Carmen said. But how can you tell? Mo asked her. Can you see its willy?

  Carmen laughed and said male blackbirds are black with orange beaks and they have the eye rings, and females are brown.

  What’s the other name? Danny asked her. Turdus
Merula she told him.

  Turdus Booker said with a laugh. But his joke fell flat, and Carmen just gave him a look.

  You’s in the sun too much, bro, Mo told him. Laughing at your own jokes. Booker told him to fuck off like he was joking, but I could see he was pissed off.

  Then we got back into the Saxon and set off again towards another town twenty miles away. (Sturbridge I think it was called.)

  Bit different from your nice cool van, mate? Cookey asked me, (but he was just trying to be friendly.)

  Roughing it with the losers, Booker said.

  Speak for yourself, fatty, Cookey told him.

  I’m not fucking fat! Booker said.

  I know. That’s why it’s funny Cookey said.

  Yeah, except it’s not funny, Booker said.

  Neither was your turd joke, bro, Mo said.

  What was that? Cookey asked.

  Booker giving it large in front of Carmen, Mo said.

  Was I fuck. I just made a joke Booker said.

  I was studying Booker the whole time. You know. Like scrutinising all the nuances on his face and in his body language and trying to find reasons not to like the guy.

  Where you from? I asked him.

  Why? We on a date or something? Eh, buy me a drink first.

  Before what? I asked. He just blinked at me. What? He said.

  You said buy me a drink first. First before what?

  I don’t know. I was just fucking about. Heat’s getting to you too is it?

  Nah. I’m always cool, bro. You get me? I gave him the look I used to give people when I was enforcing for the bossman. But then I heard Mo Mo clearing his throat and looked over to him giving me a look. Like saying back it up bro. He must have heard my tone or something. But yeah. That’s fair enough. I backed off after that.

  It was that heat. I’m telling you. Even Charlie started fanning her face. I said she could take my place in the van if she needed a break. I’ve got a lot of time for Charlie.

  That’s very kind of you, Maddox. Thank you. I’m glad you’re here though. I wanted to ask what you thought of this morning?

  It was cool that I had someone to talk with who didn’t just make dick jokes and fuck about all the time. She’s smart and calm. She’s very pretty too, but she’s nuts about Cookey (go figure that one out).

  I thought it was quite cute really, Tappy shouted from the front. That story about Carmen and Neal. I think she really liked him.

  I got that impression, Charlie said.

  The mayonnaise thing was funny though, Cookey said. Then I looked to Booker again and saw him doing the same thing and shifting in his seat and clearing his throat. Like he needed air.

  God. Hurry up, Tappy! Charlie shouted. I need some air.

  Like I said. I was bored and looking for reasons not to like the guy, but I was convinced something wasn’t right.

  17

  Diary of Paula

  We aimed for a bigger town twenty miles away then did the same as before with Nick launching his drone and the rest of us gathering by Reggie’s van to watch the monitor on his desk.

  ‘Okay, there’s the town centre,’ Howie said. ‘Nick, go closer. That’s it. There we go!’

  (You should have seen the look of relief on Howie’s face at finally finding some infected. Mind you, it was starting to look like we’d made up the whole zombie thing and it hadn’t actually happened.)

  ‘Okay, so, we can only see four infected, Henry,’ Howie said. ‘But the chances are there will be a load more of them in the houses and flats. We’re seeing that a lot now.’

  ‘Understood, Howie. What’s the SOP from here? Sorry, forgive me. What’s the standard operating procedure from here?’

  ‘I know what SOP means. We used it in Tesco,’ Howie said, (while clearly wishing he hadn’t.) ‘We go in, take those four out then wait for the rest.’

  ‘Understood. And what is the method of attack?’ Henry asked.

  ‘I just said it. We go in and take those four and, you know, wait for the rest.’

  ‘Sorry, Howie. My mistake. I meant the actual operational attack method.’

  ‘Oh, I see what you mean. Sorry. Yeah, okay, so I think we’ll probably just shoot them. I mean, we could strangle them I guess, but it’s quite hot, and Dave’s only just cleaned his knife.’

  ‘The method of attack is a frontal charge then. Yes? You wouldn’t consider a remote attack, or the use of a sniper, or the deployment of a scout for recon. But straight in and straight to the attack.’

  Howie looked at the screen then back to Henry. ‘Yes,’ Howie said.

  ‘Great stuff. Give me two minutes and we’ll be ready to deploy. My team gather in for a hot brief,’ Henry said, hopping down from the van. ‘This is a verbalised operation order. Joan, I’m sure it will be clear to you, but questions are held until the end. The briefing will also be slower as I need to translate for Bashir as we go.’

  Henry was unfolding a map to spread across the front of their SUV while he was talking. During which time the rest of us were watching on like oh, this is how you do it!

  ‘The situation is that aerial reconnaissance has identified enemy combatants within the town of Sturbridge.’ Henry then stopped and repeated the whole thing in Arabic for Bashir.

  ‘Is that Dari?’ Maddox asked.

  ‘Nipper, we’re briefing. Wait till the end,’ Frank told him.

  ‘Mo speaks Dari,’ Maddox said.

  ‘I see,’ Henry said. ‘Mr Howie? Would that be in order?’

  ‘Er, yeah, I mean, if he’s happy to do it. Mo? Henry’s asking if you can translate for him.’

  ‘For Bashir, yeah? I can try. I ain’t spoken it for a few years though. Yo, bro, as-salaam alaykum.’

  Honestly! I was so proud of Mo. He just reeled this language off, and Bash seemed to light up at someone else talking to him. Then Bash, Henry and Mo were chatting away for ages. Laughing and joking with Mo doing his impish grin. Which is while H & C shared another look. (Like two gay dads as Marcy keeps calling them).

  ‘Then I shall continue,’ Henry announced in English. ‘Our mission is to attack and negate the enemy forces within the town of Sturbridge. To that end, we will follow this road into the town centre, where, upon arrival we will move to strike with immediate effect, unless fluidity of the operation dictates otherwise. Once the operation commences, we should expect immediate and heavy counterattack from all sides at once. The overall mission objective is to negate any and all infected persons. Friendly forces will be present in the form of Mr Howie and his team so be aware of troop positions when firing. We will also be in an urban environment. On that note I cannot stress enough how dangerous a broken glass environment is - Mo, you’re doing a brilliant job.

  ‘Admin and logistics. Joan and Bashir, your immunity is not known. Therefore, you will travel with Reginald within the secure armoured van. If the situation escalates then you are to locate positions of height and add firepower from a distance. Bashir will carry the GPMG. Joan will act as sniper. Mr Howie’s nominated medic is Roy. We will be using assault rifles as primary weapons. Carry your ammunition and ensure you are hydrated prior to moving out. I’m CO on the ground for our team. Mr Howie is CO for his team with Clarence deputising and Sergeant Blowers providing NCO support. Questions? Great stuff. Thank you, Mo. Wonderful work. Return to your unit, please. Mr Howie. My briefing has finished. Do you wish to do yours?’

  (Howie looked like a rabbit caught in headlamps bless him and rather than just say something simple he went for one of those awful jokes he does.) ‘Right er, yeah. You all heard Henry. We’ll be driving in and shooting the zombies.’

  Nobody laughed. I mean. Nobody laughed.

  ‘And watch out for er, for broken glass. Cos, you know, it can cut you,’ Howie added.

  ‘I think we all know what we’re doing by now,’ I said with a hand clap. (You can’t beat a hand clap sometimes.) ‘Everyone ready?’

  ‘You two just need to chill out,’ I told H & C i
n the Saxon. ‘Honestly. Stop panicking about him.’

  ‘Who’s panicking?’ Clarence asked.

  ‘Yeah. Who are we even talking about?’ Howie asked. ‘But maybe we should do proper briefings from now on.’

  ‘We’ll need a briefing guy,’ Clarence said as they turned to look at Nick.

  ‘I’m not the briefing guy,’ Nick said.

  ‘Anyway. We’re here so switch on and everyone stay sharp,’ Howie called out. ‘That’s my actual briefing by the way.’

  ‘Great briefing,’ Clarence said. ‘Succinct and to the point.’

  ‘Succinct means to the point you bloody idiot,’ I told him before dropping back and feeling guilty that I’d snapped at him. ‘That was mean of me, sorry,’ I said while rubbing the spot I hit. ‘You’re still lovely. And when I say lovely, I don’t mean anything sexual.’

  I was trying to be nice but that just made Clarence blush, which in turn made me panic so I kept on rubbing his shoulder while my mouth went blah blah blah. ‘Not that you’re not sexually lovely though. Which I wouldn’t know because we haven’t had sex yet. Ever! I meant ever. Right. Good. Goooooood. Good chat.’

  I couldn’t stop myself. Honestly, and Clarence was going redder and Marcy was just staring at me with her mouth hanging open and even Howie was glancing over, and of course, during all that time I’m still groping his bloody shoulder! (He has got beautiful shoulders though). ‘I’ll er, I’ll get ready then. Right, everyone focus now. We’re almost there.’