The Undead | Day 25 [The Heat]

by Haywood, RR

  Okay. So we gonna use Maddox then if we meet some black people? Howie asked him. (And I’m trying to jump in and give my views, but these two are literally not listening to anyone else.)

  No. That is completely different. However, given the right circumstances, at the right time, then yes, using the right person to get done what we need to do is absolutely fine.

  That’s so fucking racist! Howie said.

  Diary of Carmen Eze

  And by this point Howie and Henry were still tearing chunks out of each other when Paula tapped me on the arm and nodded for me to follow her with Charlie.

  I figured I should stay put, but Paula was the XO for Howie’s team and I don’t know. I just thought what the hell and so I followed her and Charlie over to the three groups down the street. (I did get a quick nod from Frank and clocked him taking a positional step out to get a clear line of fire.)

  ‘Hi! I’m Paula,’ Paula said, and she was smiling and so Charlie and I are smiling, and Charlie clocked the way I was holding my rifle low so as not to look threatening and she did the same. ‘Is everything okay?’ Paula asked while behind us Howie and Henry were still going for it.

  ‘It’s not racist!’ Henry was shouting. ‘Carmen has done it lots of times.’

  ‘That’s even worse!’ Howie yelled. ‘Paula! Tell him that’s racist. She’ll fucking tell you. She’s the most PC person ever. Paula? Paula!?’

  And get this.

  Seriously. Get this.

  Turns out those three groups were fine with each other. It was nothing to do with religion. They were arguing over the best way to go and kill the zombie tigers. But by then Paula was marching back with a face like thunder at Howie and Henry.

  Diary of Maddox Doku

  And Paula just yelled at them both to pack it in and grow up. Well. She didn’t yell, but she meant it. You know when Paula means it.

  So we get back into the Saxon and Howie was in the driving seat with Tappy wincing at him slamming the door and grinding the gears.

  Did you fucking hear him? Howie asked. Of all the fucking cheek. That was literally the most racist thing ever. Literally racist. Is Charlie in here?’

  She swapped with Mads, Blowers said.

  Mads is in here? Mads, you in here? Howie asked. Was that racist?

  So then I was like, are you asking me because I’m black?

  Oh shit! He said. Now I’m being racist. Henry’s turned us all racist. Okay, er. Nick! Was that racist?

  But Nick was like, I’m not the diversity guy.

  And then Clarence said, actually, diversity stuff is normally covered in the briefing. Nick, make sure you cover diversity stuff in the briefings.

  And I’m not the briefing guy either! Nick said. By which point I was starting to feel a bit stoned from the cannabis plants in the back.

  Diary of Carmen Eze

  So we get back into our vehicle and the air-con was trying to kick in, but it was weak and it was getting hotter by the minute, and Henry was fuming by that point.

  ‘Did you hear him?’ Henry asked as soon as he slammed the door. ‘Racist! Me! I am not racist, and I won’t be blasted well told that by a Tesco shelf-stacker either. I have never been racist. Carmen. You need to tell Howie I am not racist.’

  ‘Why should I tell him?’ I asked.

  ‘Because you’re black.’

  ‘But-.’

  ‘Tell him I am not racist and that I was merely pointing out the perception of others when dealing with issues of complex sensitivity. And it wasn’t a religious thing either. I have no issues with Muslims.’ Then Henry was saying something to Bash in Dari (Probably telling him he doesn’t have issue with Muslims.)

  But then, I was thinking I hadn’t actually seen Bashir praying, and I mentioned that to Henry who said something to Bash. Then, Henry said, ‘Bash asked if you are a Christian.’

  I said, ‘Well. I guess I identify as a Christian, yeah.’

  Then Bash said, ‘Why aren’t you praying?’ and I said, ‘because not all Christians pray.’ Then I realised his point, but I was hot and getting annoyed. ‘Whatever,’ I said. ‘Is that air-con on or what?’

  ‘It’s on. And I am not racist,’ Henry said as we got moving. ‘This is rapidly turning into a shower of shit.’

  Then I was looking at Frank via the rear-view because Henry never swears, and only when someone really gets under his skin.

  Weird day.

  Anyway. I am totally not anti-Muslim. I tried telling Bash but he just grinned at me. Whatever. It’s fine. I’ll get Mo to do it. It’s probably better coming from him anyway.

  Diary of Paula

  Dear god I wanted to throttle the pair of them! Just stood there going at it in the street without even asking what the people wanted. ‘Pair of bloody idiots,’ I said to Marcy. (Marcy, Charlie, Molly and I were in Roy’s van)

  ‘You go sister,’ Marcy said to me.

  ‘Honestly!’ I said. ‘It’s just a pissing contest. They might as well get their dicks out and measure them to see who wins.’ (Charlie was holding her hands over Molly’s ears bless her. Not that Molly seemed to mind. She was staring at Reginald with little hearts in her eyes the whole time.)

  ‘I think Howie’s probably got a bigger willy than Henry,’ Marcy said. ‘Mind you, Henry might be packing a pocket rocket for all we know.’

  ‘Marcy!’ Reginald said.

  ‘Oh, sod off, Reggie. Molly can’t hear us.’

  ‘But unfortunately, I can. Why aren’t you in the Saxon anyway?’

  ‘Cos it stinks of cannabis,’ I said.

  ‘From the plants you put in there,’ Roy said from the front. ‘What have you even got them for anyway?’

  ‘To smoke, duh! And this is a woman only chat,’ I said before slamming the hatch door closed.

  ‘What about me?’ Reginald asked.

  ‘You don’t count,’ Marcy told him. ‘You’re like those nerdy alphabet people.’

  ‘Alphabet?’ Charlie asked.

  ‘She means A-sexual,’ Reginald said as Marcy clicked her fingers.

  ‘Are you A-Sexual, Reggie?’ I asked. (I’ll be honest. I’d never really given it any thought.)

  ‘And how is that possibly relevant to anything we are doing?’ Reginald asked.

  ‘That cannabis really does smell in the Saxon though,’ Charlie said.

  ‘Which is why we’re in here,’ I told her with a wink.

  Diary of Maddox Doku

  Then Blowers was like, man, these plants stink! And we’re all agreeing with him.

  Why have we even got them? Howie asked from the front. And Clarence said, Paula wants them, but by all means feel free to tell her to get rid.

  I’m not that bloody stupid, Howie said. Anyway. Any sign of the princess? He asked.

  Look for a darker patch of sky filled with crows, Tappy said out as Howie and Clarence leant forward to stare up. She’ll be under that… Probably with a strong smell of sulphur and some spooky music.

  Then Howie laughed and called her an idiot but said he was actually looking up. Then he said we should get out and asked Nick for a smoke.

  You should give that up. It bloody stinks, Clarence said.

  Yeah, cos we smell so nice otherwise, Howie said. Then Paula was coming over with the others and asking to bum a smoke.

  You should give that up, Roy told them, and Clarence was like, that’s what I said.

  But Paula said they’ve got the Panacea in them so fuck it. But Roy said, it’s not just the possible side effects to your health. It’s anti-social for a start.

  It’s the fucking apocalypse, Howie said. There is no social.

  Diary of Carmen Eze

  So then we were back out of our SUV before the air-con had even kicked in and it was baking! No grass. No trees. No greenery to soak the rays up. Just harsh concrete and glass and heat shimmers.

  ‘Any sign of Lilly?’ Henry called out as we walked over, and he was back to being cool and calm – or at least trying to be cool and
calm.

  ‘Look for the crows,’ Tappy said as we all started looking at the sky. ‘I’m telling you. Crows. And spooky music.’

  Then Bash was bumming a smoke from Nick and lighting up and Roy started moaning.

  ‘Honestly. They’re disgusting,’ Roy said while pointing at the cigarette in Bashir’s hand. ‘BAD. MAKE SICK.’

  ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ Howie asked while Roy was miming and shouting at Bashir.

  ‘I’m telling him cigarettes are bad.’

  ‘I think he probably knows, mate,’ Howie said.

  ‘Maybe he doesn’t. Did they even have health warnings in Afghanistan?’

  ‘Yes,’ come the replies from those of us that have served in Afghanistan.

  ‘Well. Even so. THEY. ARE. STILL. BAD.’

  ‘What?’ Bashir asked in broken English.

  ‘SMOKING. BAD.’

  ‘What?’ Bashir asked again, trying to keep a straight face as the others start cracking up.

  ‘He gets it, Roy!’ Marcy said. ‘You are right though. They do bloody stink. I hate kissing you after you’ve smoked, Howie.’

  ‘I’ll carry a toothbrush.’

  ‘Twat. Just stop smoking. And what if we have babies one day?’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘Smoking damages sperm.’

  ‘Does it really?’ Cookey asked while staring at his lit cigarette.

  ‘Yep. Known fact. Smoking damages the little sperms in your balls. So you carry on gentlemen. Smoke away. I bet Henry’s never smoked. Have you ever smoked, Henry?’

  ‘I have not,’ Henry said as Howie rolled his eyes.

  ‘Fuck that then,’ Cookey said and stubbed his cigarette out. ‘Do they get addicted or something?’

  ‘What?’ Blowers asked him.

  ‘The sperm. Marcy just said it’s bad for their lungs.’

  ‘Sperm don’t have lungs you twat.’

  ‘How do they swim then?’

  ‘What!?’

  ‘And it’s alright if you’ve got a small winkle like mine. Imagine the sperm in Danny’s balls. They’ve got to swim miles to get up his willy.’

  Then Paula was trying to tell Cookey off, but it was funny and even Frank and Joan were laughing. Henry wasn’t though. He was blowing air out through his nose to show displeasure. ‘And once again perhaps we can focus on our mission,’ he said. ‘These constant interruptions are becoming increasingly frustrating. We’re not getting anywhere.’

  ‘It’s been an organic transition of events,’ Clarence said.

  ‘What he said,’ Howie said while nodding at Clarence.

  ‘I told you that would catch on, Frank,’ I said.

  ‘I didn’t get it from Frank,’ Clarence said to me. ‘Big Chris used to say it.’

  ‘Who do you think told it to Big Chris?’ Henry asked.

  ‘Oh, fuck off,’ Howie said. ‘Did your lot invent farting too? How about air? Was that yours?’

  Luckily, that’s when another SUV came into view with the Princess and Mary driving. They stopped at the far end of the precinct. (They had to because of the concrete bollards) then they were out and walking towards us.

  ‘Eyes on now, lads,’ Henry called out. ‘We took a few of Mary’s family out yesterday, and this is ripe for an ambush. Sergeant Blowers, I’d ask you to direct your team to watch the first floor and above. My team keep eyes on the ground level. Fan out and stay alert.’

  That was awkward because Henry had no right to give orders to Howie’s team, but I got the feeling he was getting back at them because I’d gone with Paula. Whatever. It was just awkward. Everyone felt it and I clocked Howie and Clarence sharing a look.

  ‘Just do it,’ Howie said. You could see he felt undermined. ‘Reggie! Lilly’s here.’ He shouted then Tappy said she forgot something and ran back to the Saxon just as Reggie and Molly came out of the van.

  ‘All set, my dear? You have Milly’s drawings? And your bag? Do come along then. Let’s get you to Lilly shall we.’

  ‘Can’t I stay with you, Reggie?’ Molly asked. It was very sweet with her holding onto his arm and Reggie all smart in his shirt and tie with his sleeves neatly rolled up.

  ‘Oh, come now,’ Reginald said. ‘You shall see Milly and have a grand old time. And remember what I said. Do you remember, Molly? Tell me what I said.’

  ‘You said no mens can touch me.’

  ‘That’s right. No man, or mens, are allowed to touch you. And what do you say if any men do and try and touch you?’

  ‘That Mr Howie is my very good friend, and he will be cross.’

  ‘That’s right, Molly. You tell them exactly that. Come along then. And gosh, this heat. I fear we’re building towards another storm.’

  That guy is something else. Reginald I mean. He’s operating on another level than the rest of us anyway. And it was smart too. Molly’s only got to mention the name of Howie in the fort and nobody will touch her. But Reginald wasn’t just saying it for Molly’s benefit. He was telling Henry too.

  It was starting to feel like every move was becoming tactical. (Plus he was also right about the weather. There will be one hell of a storm soon.)

  Anyway. So the street was silent. And hot. And because of what Henry said about revenge there was this sudden ominous feeling, which wasn’t helped by the fact Lilly and Mary had to park way off and walk. And so they were walking. And everything else was silent. Like totally silent.

  And right then.

  Right at that second when a few of them we’re getting the heeby geebies, the whole street filled with the sound of drums. Like orchestral drums all beating slowly with these haunting strings and choir voices, and I was thinking, that’s the music from The Omen. And we’re all turning to the Saxon and Tappy nodding behind the windscreen with the microphone by her mouth. ‘Can you smell sulphur yet?’

  Of course that set Marcy off, especially at the sight of the Princess and Mary walking in time to the music. Then Charlie snorted a laugh, and the chain reaction kicked in and we were all laughing as Mary did a Howie and detonated. ‘YE FECKING TWATS!’

  Honestly though. That only made it worse and even I was having to turn away from laughing while Cookey was bent double. ‘That’s fucking epic,’ he said while wiping his eyes.

  But the Princess? Now that is one cold cookie. She didn’t show a reaction. Nothing. Zero. She didn’t look angry or anything. Just cold. (There’s a lot of misconceptions about psychopaths. They’re not always driven by violence. That’s a psychotic episode. A psychopath can also be classed as someone who simply doesn’t have remorse. That’s the Princess. That’s what you see in her eyes.)

  Anyway. Then the music cut out. ‘Sorry, boss. But that was so worth the bollocking,’ Tappy said through the speakers. ‘But seriously. Crows. I’m telling you.’

  ‘Tappy!’ Paula shouted, but you could tell she was trying not to smile. ‘Right. Just some high jinks. No harm, no foul.’

  ‘No foul my fecking arse,’ Mary said, and she looked ready to go off on one, but Lilly just said her name and Mary backed down instantly.

  Then I clocked the look on Howie’s face. He was looking at Mary and it’s like he wanted to apologise or something. I’m learning that about Howie. He doesn’t hide his emotions. Whatever is on his mind shows on his face. It’s endearing and honest and the more time I spend with him, the more I can see why the others follow him.

  In the end he didn’t say anything. But maybe Mary clocked his expression too because she stayed silent.

  Then Reginald was there as polite as ever. ‘Is it just you two?’ Reginald asked. I could see he’d positioned himself in front of Howie and Paula to take the lead.

  ‘It is,’ Lilly said. ‘We were told Molly had been subjected to some serious issues.’

  ‘Indeed. That is correct. I would suggest a thorough medical exam, particularly with regard to injuries sustained by repeated penetration of the vagina and anus.’

  ‘Jesus,’ Mary said. ‘Did ye kill the lads that d
id it?’ she asked Howie. ‘Aye. And her own brother was it now?’

  ‘Giles was my half a brother,’ Molly said. ‘But Milly and Mikey are my whole sister and brother.’

  ‘Mikey?’ Lilly asked.

  ‘We think another boy got taken into care,’ Howie said. ‘Molly? Was Mikey taken into care?’

  Molly just nodded and looked sad before telling Mary she liked her hair.

  ‘Aye. Do you now? It’s very red is it not? Well anyway. We’ll get you home with us. Milly will be chuffed as anything to see you she will.’

  ‘Listen,’ Howie said. ‘If either of them say where Mikey is give me a shout. We’ll try and find him.’

  ‘If we have time,’ Henry said as Lilly looked from him to Howie.

  ‘Time for what?’ Lilly asked.

  ‘We’ll have time,’ Howie said.

  ‘Indeed. But perhaps if they do find a location for the other child, they can arrange recovery themselves,’ Henry said.

  ‘He’s not a car, Henry,’ Howie said.

  ‘I am aware he’s not a car, Howie. The term is used in reference to collection.’

  And Lilly was listening to them and reading the dynamics then bang – she was on Howie like a flash. ‘Sure!’ she said with a big smile at him. ‘If we hear anything, I will let you know, Mr Howie.’

  ‘Thanks. I think,’ he said.

  ‘Great. Well. We’ll get Molly back. We don’t want to keep you from your mission.’

  ‘We’re doing that perfectly well on our own,’ Henry said.

  ‘What the fuck, mate!’ Howie snapped. ‘We’ll find one.’

  ‘Find one what?’ Lilly asked.

  ‘Why are you being nice?’ Paula asked Lilly.

  ‘My apologies, Paula. Is this not what you wanted? For us to be cordial and work together?’

  ‘Not like that though you weirdo,’ Marcy said. (Love Marcy!)