by Taylor Dean
It isn’t enough. As soon as I part with this child, the scab will be ripped open and the internal bleeding will begin again.
It serves to remind me of what I’m missing in life. Teaching isn’t enough. It never will be. I need more. This is what my mom meant.
My nieces and nephews at home are well loved and happy children. Their reactions to my overtures of love and attention have never been this intense.
I can feel the need coming from these children as if it’s a living, breathing thing, so palpable it leaves me close to tears. My heart matches their need, a need I’ve buried deep within my soul. A need I’ve opted to ignore due to circumstances beyond my control. I’ve been kidding myself. This isn’t something I can live without.
My mother’s words echo through my mind: Promise me you will demand a life that requires all the love inside of you, a life that reaches inside of you and squeezes out every ounce of love from your heart. Only then will you find happiness.
This moment, right here, right now, is the first time I’ve ever felt the love in my heart squeeze out, as if someone is wringing my heart with their bare hands.
My mother spoke true words of wisdom. I’ve been deceiving myself if I think I can find happiness in any other way.
This is a love that has nothing to do with hearts and flowers. It’s a love that feels deep and real—gritty. It cries from the very depths of my soul, and it hurts.
Yet, I want this kind of love. This is the love my mother had spoken of. It’s risky and dangerous and has the power to rip my guts out because losing it can be so very painful. But without it, at least for me, life has no meaning, no significance.
From across the room, my eyes meet Julian’s. He’s also holding a child in his arms. The little girl has wrapped her arms around his neck in what appears to be a choke hold. He doesn’t seem to mind. One hand strokes her back tenderly.
A child looks good in his arms. Really, really good. All that raw masculinity coupled with tiny innocence is highly attractive.
His eyes narrow as he looks upon me, perhaps perceiving my angst. “You okay?” he mouths.
I shake my head in the negative, my throat convulsing as I swallow tears. It feels like forever since we’ve last communicated.
He blinks heavily and nods, understanding my emotions. He hasn’t taken me here by accident. And his intent has hit the mark. Bull’s eye.
I fall even more deeply in love with Julian in that moment, for everything he is and will be. For being a man who notices others and for being a man who has the capacity to love unconditionally. There’s so much more to him than meets the eye. I want to delve inside of him and meet every aspect of his essence, to discover the things that make Julian, Julian. This man loves me. He’s willing to create a family with me through whatever means available to us.
Miss Pearl’s words echo in my mind. Your Paul will love you, Savannah, and he will see no wrong. He will see a jewel of great worth.
Julian may not be Paul, but he treats me as though I am of great worth to him. I can’t ignore that fact. It’s huge.
Fate has directed me toward many men named Paul. Yet, my search for Paul has been fruitless, almost futile. I’ve tried to make relationships work based on nothing more than a name and a handsome face. Paul Ellis never loved me, he’d loved the idea of me. The first sign of trouble and he was out. That’s not love.
I came to China believing I’d been led to Paul Brooks. In the end, a life with him would’ve been cold and unfulfilling. We might have shared a small amount of love for one another, but I would’ve faced childless, lonely, and more than likely, faithless nights.
“Paul” is a dream I’ve chased, an idea that doesn’t really exist, filled with fluff and fuzz.
Choosing love for myself means I must follow my heart. I need to rely on the selfless stirrings of love, true love. Julian is real, flesh and blood, a man of substance. I’d be the luckiest girl in the world to have him at my side for the rest of my life.
I’ve been ignoring the most important thing Miss Pearl told me; to be astute, to choose wisely.
I can’t think of a wiser choice than Julian.
Perhaps that was the real message all along. I’ve put all of my efforts toward finding a man named Paul when I should’ve been choosing wisely; choosing a man who sees my worth. Being astute and choosing wisely are so much more important than a name. But I needed to learn that for myself. It isn’t something someone could tell me, it’s something I had to discover and learn on my own.
We spend a few hours playing with the children, and bestowing them with the love and affection they so richly deserve. They warm up and act a little more like children should act. When it’s time to go, I reluctantly part with the little girl I’ve been holding the entire time. Upon setting her down, she rolls onto the floor, staring straight ahead with no emotion. When comfort is offered, the children grasp onto it. But they make no move to beg for it, as if they know it will only be denied them.
It breaks my heart.
Once in the van, we all remain silent, absorbing our experience. Finally, I say, “Thank you, Julian. Thank you for taking us there.”
“It’s an eye opening experience, isn’t it?”
“Yes, far beyond what I imagined.”
“So many children are waiting for a home, for a family to love them.”
Simple words. But his message is received, loud and clear. I’ve learned a life lesson in that orphanage today. It’s changed my outlook completely.
I need to reach for more in life.
And I will not settle.
Chapter Thirty-One
December
I SIT ON the top stair of Julian’s staircase, waiting patiently for him.
My decision is made. I will no longer let fate decide my future. I’m taking matters into my own hands.
That is, if Julian will have me. I’m not positive he’ll give me a second chance, but I have to try.
It’s been a few days since the orphanage trip, the trip that opened my eyes to new possibilities, the trip that made me realize Julian isn’t someone I can live without.
He starts up the stairs, a weariness in his step I haven’t seen before. When he notices me sitting there, he stops dead in his tracks.
“Savannah?”
I stand. “Hi Julian.”
He pauses, taken aback at my presence.
“May I speak with you?”
I hate his hesitation, hate that I’ve caused him heartache.
“Sure,” he says after a few tense seconds.
I mouth a silent thank you to myself. In my heart, I know Julian won’t ever turn me away. Forgiveness for my actions is another matter.
He unlocks the door and we enter his apartment. I run my hand over the lamp in his window. It’s nice to be on the other side of the view, the side filled with life, not the side observing life. The next few minutes will determine if I’ll remain a participant in life, or at least a participant in Julian’s life.
I want this. I want this so much.
We stand, facing each other with way too much space between us. He doesn’t invite me to sit. There’s an ache in the vicinity of my chest that won’t go away.
“I only have two weeks left here in China.”
He nods. “I know.”
His firm demeanor worries me. He doesn’t seem very welcoming. Maybe it’s too late for us.
I won’t leave here without at least explaining. “I know I’ve put you through some hard times and caused you anguish and I wanted to apologize.” I wish my soft voice exposed my firm commitment. I fear I sound hesitant.
He says nothing.
I look down at the ground, wishing my mouth would cooperate with my heart. It’s bursting with emotions that will never pass my lips. If only I can find eloquent words to convey my feelings for him.
There are none.
Instead, I look up at him and say, “It comes down to this. I love you and I don’t want to live without you.”
He pauses, his entire body going still. He doesn’t even blink. I’ve surprised him.
“What about your search for Paul?”
Good question. “I could continue searching for him. Eventually, I’m sure I’d find him too. There’s just one problem and it’s a big one. Even if I found him, I wouldn’t be able to love him. I’ve already given away my heart and it belongs to you.”
He remains stoic.
“I’m in love with you, Julian.” When he doesn’t respond, I push forward. “Can you forgive me for not realizing this sooner?”
“What made you change your mind?”
“I guess I realized that everything I want is right here and I don’t need to search any further.”
“Why?”
He’s going to make me work for it. “You see my worth and it has nothing to do with what I can give you.”
“Anything else?”
“You see me and when I’m with you I don’t feel invisible, nor do I want to be invisible.” That makes it sound as though it’s all about me. I flounder, searching for the right words. Then, suddenly, I know exactly what to say. “Because . . . you’re not into yoga.”
He raises his eyebrows, but a smile is not to be seen.
“And because I don’t want to eat health food, I only want to eat your amazing food.” Now I’m on a roll. “Because you’re intelligent and you have so much more than half a brain.”
His chest rises and falls with emotion and I notice his jaw clench. I know I’m getting through to him.
“And especially . . . especially because you love getting caught in the rain.”
His eyes glitter with emotion.
“And . . . I think I would really, really like making love with you every night at midnight for the rest of my life.”
Ever so slowly, a small smile spreads across his face. “That’s exactly what I’ve been waiting to hear.”
Before I know what’s happening, he approaches with a few quick strides and he lifts me up in his arms, finds my lips, and kisses me with an aggressiveness I’ve never known prior to this occasion.
Oh my. He’s been holding back.
With his lips on mine, he says, “Marry me, Savannah. Please marry me.”
Tears of happiness roll down my face as I whisper, “Yes, yes, yes.”
“We’ll adopt. I happen to know of a place filled with children waiting for a family.”
Yes. I need them as much as they need me.
“How many can we adopt?” I ask.
How’s that for a life that requires all the love I can possibly give? My mom is looking down on me and she is pleased, I know she is.
He stills. “How many?”
“Yeah, you said you wanted five or six, remember? Can we adopt that many?”
He laughs out loud. “I don’t know. Guess we’ll find out.”
“Thank you, Julian. Thank you for giving me a life filled with meaning.”
“Thank you for choosing me.”
“I realized a name doesn’t really mean anything. It’s the person underneath that matters. It just took me awhile. I guess I’m a slow learner. Can you live with that?”
“You bet, Savannah Pow Pow.”
I guffaw loudly. “It has a certain ring to it, does it not?”
Slowly, he sets me down, my body sliding against his. “You do know my last name isn’t Pow Pow, right?”
I smile. “Yes, of course I know that.”
“Don’t you want to know what your last name will be?”
I can’t answer for several moments as his lips occupy mine. “Hmmmm, I suppose it could be important. I’ve seen it displayed in the restaurant. Andreas. I don’t know if I’m pronouncing it correctly, so I’d better learn. After all, Savannah doesn’t sound good with any old thing. Too many syllables. It has to flow.” I cover his face with kisses, feeling as though I never want to stop.
He cradles my face with his hands, suddenly very serious.
“Uh-oh,” I say, stealing one more kiss. “Am I saying it all wrong? Should I be worried? Is this a deal breaker?”
“Savannah,” he says, his tone sober.
“What? I’m kidding with you. I really don’t care.”
“Savannah,” he says again and I fall silent at his stern demeanor. “My great grandparents immigrated from Italy. When I was born I was given one of those long Italian, slightly Americanized names that are a huge mouthful.”
“Oh, so Andreas is short for something else? Am I going to be able to say my own last name?”
“It’s not my last name. Mr. Tang put one of my middle names on the sign in the restaurant. He thought it sounded more like a professional chef.”
“So, Andreas is not your last name?” I parrot.
“No it’s not.”
“Why do I feel like you’re holding something back from me?”
“Would you like to know my name?”
“Is it bad?” I ask, laughing. “Am I going to hate my new last name?”
He doesn’t laugh and I start to feel concerned. Why is it such a big deal?
“My name is Julian . . .”
“I’ve got that part down,” I tell him teasingly.
“Andreas . . . that’s my mother’s maiden name.”
“Okay.”
“Nicoli . . . that’s my father’s middle name.”
“Is there more?”
“Yes. Calisto . . . that’s my grandfather’s name.”
“Julian Andreas Nicoli Calisto. Wow. That is a mouthful,” I tell him.
“I’m not done.”
“Oh my gosh. I don’t have to say all of it during our wedding vows, do I? It might turn into a Princess Diana moment.” He doesn’t smile at my joke. “I’m sorry. I love your name. I’m not making fun of it.”
He looks at me with intense eyes, but I’m so happy I can’t stop smiling. “My name is Julian Andreas Nicoli Calisto . . . Paul.”
My entire body goes still. I think my heart even skips a beat. Or two. Maybe three.
“My last name is Paul, Savannah. My name is Julian Paul.”
My smile dies on my face and my lungs take in a sudden large inhale of air that sounds through the room as the loudest gasp I’ve ever heard.
Maybe even the loudest gasp to have ever graced the earth.
Chapter Thirty-Two
December
I NEATLY FOLD my clothing and place it in my suitcase. While I’m sad that the semester at Zhongshan Academy has reached an end, I can’t help but feel happy about all I’ve gained during my stay in China.
I found Paul. The search is officially over.
I often muse over Julian’s decision to keep his last name from me. He could’ve blurted it out the moment I told him about Miss Pearl.
But he hadn’t.
He later explained he wanted me to choose him because I loved him, not because his name included the word Paul.
Turns out, it’s the best decision he’s ever made. For himself and for me. Now we both know I chose him for all the right reasons. I was wise and astute. A little slow maybe, but in the end I got it right. It might appear to some that Miss Pearl’s message had sent me on a wild goose chase. I floundered with the knowledge, but in the end, it sent me right where I needed to be in order to find my Paul.
Tomorrow we’ll travel back to the States and a week later, we’ll be married. My sisters are in a tiny uproar over the hasty wedding, but Julian and I don’t want a big, fussy wedding. We’re marrying on a beach on the Maryland coast. Actually, it’s a little shout-out to liking the feel of the ocean, but we aren’t sharing that little tidbit with anyone. It’s our secret. However, Julian has promised me our first dance as husband and wife will be to the Piña Colada song. No one will understand our strange choice, but go ahead, ask us if we care. My sisters are in a tiny uproar over that one too.
I’m too happy to be bothered.
Our wedding plans suit Julian perfectly. He’ll wear jeans, a white dress shirt—not buttoned up
too high so it won’t strangle him—and American style flip flops because no one will think of them as shower shoes in the U.S. He’ll wear a white pullover sweater over the shirt if the day is too chilly. I plan to wear a white, flowy sundress with sandals. I’m positive I’ll be wearing the white overcoat I purchased in the case of freezing cold temperatures. On a beach in December, it’s inevitable and I’m okay with that. As a matter of fact, if we get drenched with rain, it will make the day perfect. After our honeymoon—during which time we have every intention of making love at midnight every single night—we’ll travel back to China and live in Julian’s apartment for about a year. I already have a job lined-up. Zhongshan Academy said they’d love for me to continue teaching for them.
In the end, we decided we wanted a little time to ourselves as a couple before we become instant parents. We need that time to strengthen our bond. After all, couples usually have nine months to prepare, and we need that time as well. Then we plan to pursue adoption and begin our family.
We discussed surrogacy. It’s a viable option in order to have a biological child. But neither one of us want to go down that road, deeming it expensive, risky, and emotionally complicated. It has worked for many, but it isn’t for us.
Eventually, we plan to move back home. While I’m willing to live in China with him, he’s feeling anxious to return to the States. He wants to open his own Chinese restaurant and call it Mr. Pow Pow’s.
So, that’s what we’ll do. With whatever size family we are blessed with. We’re about to begin the adventure of a lifetime, newly married and brand new parents all at once.
Is it biting off more than we can chew?
Maybe.
Probably.
Yes.
Absolutely.
If Julian wants an unstructured and spontaneous life, he’s certainly about to get his wish. A houseful of children will ensure our lives are never boring.
However, we’re going in with both eyes open. And it’s what we both want.