Please Don't Tell My Parents I've Got Henchmen

by Richard Roberts

  Dad burst into laughter. Mom kept things down to a smile. While I sat there feeling like an idiot, Mom stepped over and gave my shoulders a reassuring squeeze. “It's okay, Penny. We're not laughing at you, not really. You've made the same mistake everyone who's just started dealing with the community makes. Los Angeles is a big city, and we have a lot of supervillains. There were twelve other super powered crimes committed today. The Inscrutable Machine has everyone's feathers ruffled because we don't want children getting into a dangerous business, not because they're making a dent in crime statistics.”

  Looking back over at Dad, her smile faded into a worried frown and a sigh. “And it doesn't matter if this girl is or is not Bad Penny. More middle and high school children are going to try to become professionals until something bad happens to them.”

  How did I feel about that?

  Food for thought.

  Okay, not really. By lunch on Monday I was far too busy tasting the fruit and berries Claire scavenged from my new secret lair garden and trying to talk to Ray about the hole into the Undercity we found without being totally obvious to the world what we meant. It disintegrated when that started Claire enthusing about the cradle in Grimoire of Nursey Rhymes – a month after she'd finished playing this game! - and I threw blackberries at her to make her stop the spoilers.

  She didn't fool me. She was dwelling on it now to make me hurry up and buy a copy.

  I wasn't even sure who had told me that the club was back in session already. When the bell rang, Ray and Claire and I wandered around the playground together to the old laboratory entrance automatically.

  If I had listed all the things I expected to see, a big crowd of club members scattered around looking interesting would be at the top. Sure enough, there they were.

  Bull sitting in a visibly sagging metal chair next to the elevator door would not even have been on the list. That he had a big book out and was trying to talk to a sullen looking Claudia next to him didn't make it less weird.

  My heart skipped a beat, but I put the fear down just as fast. Nobody was more professional than Bull. He'd been a supervillain since the sixties. Whatever he was here for, revealing my secret identity wasn't it.

  Marcia had a more direct interpretation. Stepping away from Sue's clinging hands, Marcia lifted her fists and sneered. “Hey, hairy muscles! You want to fight? That's what you're here for, right? You've heard your ach-enemy's kid is here somewhere, and you're going to challenge us one by one until one of us is strong enough to defeat you. That's it, right? And any kid who loses you'll stomp on, and they'll squish into a bloody pancake, and if we refuse you'll grab us and throw us into the ground so hard we'll leave holes the shape of our body? Is she your hostage?”

  The giant, and admittedly hairy and muscular, supervillain closed his book and gave her a bemused look. “Of course not. If I fought you kids, your parents would have a stroke. I'm here because they asked me to play chaperone while you tried out your powers.”

  A girl with hundreds of beads in her hair screwed up her face, aghast and confused. “Why would heroes let a villain look after their kids?”

  I kind of wished I had time to take a list. You could tell which kids had parents who were supers, and which kids had civilian parents, just by looking at their faces. The kids with no contact with the community had that same confused look. The ones with hero or villain parents had gone blank and thoughtful.

  Claire was trying to memorize the list right now. Bet on it.

  To my considerable surprise, Sue was the first one to nod and say, “I can see it.”

  The beaded girl switched her baffled stare from Bull to Sue. “What?”

  Sue waved her hands around, trying to shape her thoughts without giving away everything. “Everybody here knows who Bull is, right? Like, everybody, everywhere. Strongest man in the world. Like, he has a reputation, and even if he's on the wrong side of the law, he's the guy who heroes wish all the villains were like.”

  A boy I couldn't see in the crowd said, “He just retired, too. I saw a couple of superheroes toasting his good health. No joke.”

  Barbara nodded, her purple-painted lips turned in a small smile. “It makes sense.”

  Bull chuckled at that. He hoisted himself out of his chair, which didn't unbend, and dusted off his high-waisted slacks. “Now, I don't know much about being a parent yet, but I know for sure what it's like to be a teenager with more power than I knew what to do with. I'm not here to ride tight herd on you, even if your parents think I ought. I'm here to help you figure out who and what you want to be.”

  A squeal split the air, and Cassie darted out of the group excitedly. “I want to ask! Please!”

  Bull looked surprised, but not rattled. After a second he smiled, glowingly pleased. “Sure, my girl. Go right ahead.”

  Cassie spun around to face everyone, lightning skittering excitedly up and down her body as she took a quick moment to fuss with her shirt and pants before announcing, “So. Everybody, what do you want to be? A hero or a villain? You get to choose.”

  A few of the kids had heard it from her before. A few started to answer, then stopped. Whether it happened immediately or over several seconds, they all got that dumbfounded, thoughtful expression. She might have hit the whole club with a Stupid Ray.

  Strutting back over to them, chin high and grin downright smug, Cassie said, “I think I'd like to be a hero. I know a villain, and she said there's ways to make a living as a hero, but she just didn't have the temperament.”

  Marcia smacked her fist into her palm. “Forget being a hero. Heroes don't get to have fun. A supervillain gets to punch cars whenever they want, and make them explode and then walk through the flames and glare at people.”

  Criminy. Marcia actually had more issues.

  Bull was completely unruffled by Marcia throwing down the crazy. In fact, his smile was as proud as he looked over the club as if we were all his own children. Finally, he shrugged, playfully noncommittal rather than defeated. “I won't push you one way or t'e other. It's up to each one of you individually. You have a good long time to think about it, and what I do suggest is you take advantage of that. Don't hurry, and be ready to change your mind if you decide your first pick didn't suit you.”

  Marcia shook her head, fingers tightening over her fist. She glared with furious intensity at the ground, at something none of the rest of us could see. “No. I'm sure what I want. At first, I was thinking about it just to make my dad mad, but supervillains get to enjoy our powers. We can knock down buildings, escape jails, claw our way back up after getting burned in half by red hot rivets…” She trailed off into faint giggles.

  Someone asked in a faint voice, “Does that… happen?”

  Bull nodded, solemnly now, but still just as laid back. “It can. Not often, but folks have tried to kill me, and come close a couple of times.”

  Barbara broke in, straightening her back and frowning in determination. With the way her corset turned her soft figure into an exaggerated hourglass, that got attention. Her words kept it. “Nobody has to be a hero or a villain. Our powers are good for better things than fighting.”

  Bull's smile widened. He liked that, and gave the goth girl an encouraging nod. “And some folks want to be actresses or rocket scientists or lawyers, who just happen to have powers. I'm not going to tell you what to do or not do.”

  Lifting his book, he pulled a sheaf of papers out of it, and turned his attention from Barbara to the crowd. “What I will do is be available to answer any questions you have about the job, the life, and the community. I've been doin' t'is for forty years, and I can tell you the good and the bad. I'll also keep an eye out that you don't get too excited and damage property and people. And one more thing. Since you're an official school club, I'm going to take advantage of that. Pass these around. We're going on a field trip to Chinatown Saturday night.”

  “Isn't Chinatown closed on weekends?” Teddy squeaked, taking the papers and passing half of them to Cassie
on one side, and half to Barbara on the other.

  “Only to people without powers,” said Will dryly.

  Sue regarded her sheet like it was a snake. “My parents are never going to let me go to where the supervillains hang out.”

  That got a smirk from Bull. “I didn't ask for a signature from your parents. I'll take whoever shows up. Look at the bottom, and you'll see I'm telling your folks, it's hard enough to stop a regular child from doing what they really want. You have powers, and nothing I do will stop you from using them. I promise to keep you safe, but if you kids are going to make a real decision about your future and not jump in and do something stupid, you have to know the trut'.”

  Unexpected movement caught my eye. Sue had her arms around Marcia's waist, because Marcia was sagging, looking green and nauseous.

  Bull sighed, closing his book again. The sigh was heavy, dramatic, and came with a wistful smile. “All of that is well and good, but it's tiptoeing around the real point. What most of you want is what I wanted most at your age. You want to try your powers against each other.”

  He could not have nailed it more on the head. Marcia shot back upright like she'd never been sick. All but a few of the crowd competed to look as eager and attentive.

  Spinning a finger like he was stirring a cup, Bull said, “If you run about willy-nilly fighting each other, there'll be chaos, and the school and your folks will shut you down. I suggest you do it like the other clubs do, and have a tournament.”

  Cheers went up, and excited babble. Marcia pumped her fist and went, “YES…!”

  As the noise started to die down, Bull raised his hands. “I'm not going to organize it for you. Like I said, I'm not here to order you around. You do that yourselves. If you want an idea, you might divide up into heroes and villains and do sessions against each other, until you decide on a champion.”

  Cassie waved a hand and went 'psh.' Then she pointed straight at me. “We already know who the champion is. It's Genetic Lottery Winner, Penelope Akk.”

  In a moment, both scary and spine-tingly awesome, everybody looked straight at me, and a bunch of them nodded.

  Only Sue smirked, and said, “The real champions are the Inscrutable Machine, if they'll admit who they are.”

  Alert! Divert all willpower into not squirming! Will, Marcia, Barbara, way too many kids were still looking at me, but sharing Sue's knowing smirk. Okay, not… a lot, but more than half a dozen. Hoo, Tesla.

  Her hair rattling, the girl with the beads revealed that she didn't come from a supervillain family. “They're not here. Why would they be? They don't need to play around.”

  “Tell you what,” said Bull, “The winner of the tournament gets to challenge Penelope.”

  I waved my hands, all the more desperately because absolutely no one looked disappointed by this prize. “My parents are not going to allow that.”

  Stepping over, Bull laid a heavy but reassuring hand on my shoulder. “I'll talk to them. Brainy and the Audit are smart folks. The hard truth is, they can only limit this, not stop it. Either you're in the tournament officially, or you'll get some gang plotting to drag you in.”

  I didn't have to respond to that, because Cassie held up her hand, bouncing on the balls of her feet with eagerness. “When can we get started?”

  Bull gave another shrug. “That's up to you.”

  “Are there any rules? I don't want to get jumped in class.” You would definitely know about that, Cassie!

  “The rules are whatever the judge says they are,” answered Bull.

  “So, who's the judge? You?”

  He laughed, deep and loud and amused, brown-furred head tilting back until he ran out of breath. “Me? No, little girl, I couldn't raise a hand to a child. My daughter Cat will be the judge, and enforce the rules.”

  Claudia jumped. He hadn't told her. Everyone followed Bull's gaze to look at her, and probably for the first time in her life, she was the center of attention.

  Marcia jerked a thumb in Claudia's direction, and asked Bull, “So if I beat her, it's like I win the tournament all in one go.”

  Claudia's already angular face hardened. She went very still, and when she answered it was in the flat, humorless, pitiless voice she used as Generic Girl. “Yes, that's true. Go ahead and try. Someone will, so we might as well get it over with.”

  Marcia didn't need asking twice. She leaped forward out of Sue's arms. With every step her psycho grin grew, and she got faster. Marcia hit Claudia as a blur, led by her fist and outstretched arm.

  The actual hit I couldn't see. Like when she'd hit Sharky, shadows swallowed up fist and the face it punched at the moment of impact. The brutally loud smack wasn't muffled in any way.

  Light returned as fast as it disappeared, leaving a still life tableau. Marcia, arm still extended, fist buried in Claudia's cheek. Claudia's head had turned, and leaned back a couple of inches, but that was it. She didn't even show a bruise.

  I didn't know which was more terrifying, that Marcia had managed to budge Claudia, or that Claudia was so indestructible, a hit like that hadn't hurt her at all.

  Still snake-fast, Marcia drove her other fist towards Claudia's belly. Claudia hadn't bothered to dodge the first punch, but this time she grabbed Marcia's wrist before the blow landed, and with a flick of her arm tossed Marcia into the air.

  Way into the air. Marcia soared upwards, arms and legs flailing. Near the top of her arc, she stopped struggling, grabbed her mouth in both hands, and doubled up convulsively.

  Claudia just watched. We all watched, frozen like deer, as Marcia plummeted back down and hit the asphalt.

  I grimaced. Marcia's body bent in way too many directions it shouldn't. Instead of yelling or crying, she twitched, and her arms and legs pulled straight, clawing at the ground to push her back up.

  She didn't get that far. Claudia walked over, and put a tennis shoe on Marcia's neck. Struggle and thrash though she might, Marcia couldn't move her an inch.

  Scowling bleakly at everyone else, Claudia announced, “The rules are whatever I feel like at the time. You can be sure of this: I will come down hard on anyone who disrupts class, damages school property and doesn't fix it themselves, or hurts a civilian.” She tightened a fist at 'hurts a civilian.' I sure got the message about which rule would be the most dangerous to break.

  “What if-” started Cassie.

  Claudia cut her off. “I'm not going to tell you 'what if.' If I feel like you're cheating, I will punish you and take you out of the tournament. If you don't know how I feel about something, you'd better play it safe.”

  Laverne with the wood based mad science power stomped her foot. “But that's not fair!”

  Claudia jerked her head, out towards the street and the city of LA. She sounded mercilessly unimpressed. “It's not fair out there. There are people fighting right now to feed their children, or stay out of jail, or save innocent families from death. They know that the odds may be stacked against them. That's just the way it is.”

  She ran her gaze over the crowd, looking at every kid in turn, and finally asked, “Does anyone else want to challenge me?”

  “Me!” shouted Jacky, raising her hand. She turned blue and gooey, flopping forward, oozing out of her clothes. Even slimy, her face showed a grin almost as manic and violent as Marcia's. “You can't hurt me, and you can't throw me.”

  Claudia took a step up to meet the goo girl, two steps, three. Everything else faded into the background, and I could hear in my head the whistling cowboy movie standoff music playing.

  That third step turned into a flash of movement, zipping around Jacky to the girl behind her. It ended with Claudia's hand lifted, and she thumped The Other Claire in the forehead. It knocked the blonde off her feet, and into the arms of the kids behind her.

  Jacky yelped. “What? Aaah! What am I doing?!” She sounded like she was about to start crying. Barbara rushed out to put her arm around Jacky's shoulders, holding her as she reformed.

  The Other Claire'
s forehead was already turning yellow and red and purple, but she was conscious enough to stare helplessly as Claudia told her, “You are out of the tournament, and if you keep that up, you'll be out of friends.”

  Behind Claudia, disregarded, Sue scurried forward and pulled a limp Marcia off the ground. The black-haired, unhinged ex-cheerleader had stopped fighting before Claudia stepped off her neck, and now it was obvious why – she was unconscious.

  I couldn't leave that alone, but as I stepped up to them, Sue shook her head. Nervous as she sounded, what she said was, “No, it's… she'll be okay. It's her power. She thinks she can heal anything, but it… I'm not sure that's true. She'll be okay when she wakes up.”

  If Sue didn't want help, there wasn't much I could do about it.

  Bull got my attention, got everyone's attention, by clapping his hands. The sound was loud, a shockwave that rolled over us. Ow!

  In the ear-ringing aftermath, he called out, “The show is over. Now it's your turn. For one hour, you're free to spar in the recess grounds. Just make sure everyone agrees before the fights start.”

  The club rushed eagerly out into the lot to take advantage of that offer. Only a few of us stayed behind. Barbara and the bead-haired girl helped Jacky get back into her clothes. Sue stayed with Marcia. Me, Ray, and Claire didn't need to spar.

  Bull joined the three of us, an arm looped proudly around his daughter's shoulders. Claudia looked empty-eyed and grim, but that was her usual expression.

  Her father, on the other hand, practically glowed. He gave Claudia's shoulder a squeeze that would have crumpled us normal humans up like aluminum foil. “I thought that went well. You're as clever as I thought, my Cat, knowing how important it was to put on a show.”

  “I was impressed by the idea of throwing Marcia into the air. That's a really helpless position to be in,” I mused.

  Ray tilted his head to one side, giving Claudia a speculative look. “Did you keep her from lifting you by flying backwards?”