by Anna Antonia
Using my contacts, I found several freelance programming positions. The work kept me busy enough that Gavin gave me a room to serve as my office rather than have me go back to my apartment.
Were we moving too fast? Maybe. But it felt right…even though I knew the truth beneath my surface was so wrong.
I justified it to myself daily because I seemed to make him as happy as he made me. Gavin showed a side that belonged only to me.
Yes, he could be cold and was as comfortable in his head as anywhere else, but the stillness of Gavin wasn’t a lake of terrifying depths.
It was peaceful, calming, in the best way possible. I could fall into him and all the million and one doubts and fears would become silent.
It was a dangerous thing, pretending like this. I had no choice but to keep dividing myself neatly in two. Loving, adoring girlfriend on one side and paranoid, anxious mess on the other.
Gavin had no idea and I worked hard to keep it that way.
I went to my apartment on the days the cleaning lady was scheduled just so that it would look like I was living there. I wouldn’t take the chance my father wasn’t using her as an instrument of information.
I also made my calls from there, using the house phone, just for the same reason.
Having to do this proved what I knew all along—my life was a fucked-up mess. No one should be living like this.
When I thought of how long I kept myself from other people I really wanted to cry. All this time I thought I had nothing of value to offer anyone other than being their reflection.
While my ingrained thoughts and habits clung to me, I was willing to acknowledge that I wasn’t completely right in my beliefs.
That maybe, just maybe, there was something good in me too.
For years I’d been terrified that I was more like my father than not. I didn’t trust myself to be in a relationship out of fear I’d be a psycho girlfriend. But not only was I not a psycho (barring the running back to my apartment to make it looked like I still lived there) I was actually a bit on the sweet side.
I lived to make Gavin happy. I honestly wanted to be as perfect for him as he was for me.
I relished my role as the nurturer. I loved cooking for Gavin and doing little things to show him how much I appreciated him. I got up in the morning to pick out his tie and fasten it.
Apparently, he adored the special attention almost as much as I adored giving it to him. Gavin would pick me up and set me atop a stool so I could place the tie around his neck without him having to bend down.
It was something small, inconsequential even, but it was just one of many acts that brought us closer together.
Every day I prayed to keep Gavin a little bit longer and every day my prayers were answered.
And then God answered the biggest prayer, one I didn’t even realize I’d been asking for since the first moment I saw Gavin’s picture.
FORTY-ONE
“Love! Where are you?”
“I’m in here!”
I gripped the pencil between my teeth, staring at the hundreds of lines of code, trying to find the misplaced semicolon or bracket that apparently kept my program from compiling cleanly.
I’m going to find you, you little fucker, and when I do…
Gavin opened my office door after giving it a perfunctory knock. “Hello, my sweetest love.”
“Hello, my most wonderful man of all men. You’re home…early…” My voice trailed off as my instincts geared up to tell me I was close to the offending mistake.
Focused as I was on the computer screen, I nearly missed Gavin’s frown. “Paige, have you moved since this morning?”
“Huh…once. Maybe twice. I’m almost done…really…”
Gavin shook his head and strode over to me. Picking me up, he ignored my protests.
“Love, if you won’t take care of yourself then you leave me no choice but to do it for you.”
“Hey! I don’t tear you away from work.”
“No, you don’t. Maybe you should try it one day.”
“Would it work?”
“Pick me up and find out.”
I couldn’t stay irritated with him, especially when it was obvious he was in such a good mood.
Linking my arms around his neck, I kicked my feet lightly. “So where are you taking me?”
“Watch and see.”
Gavin carried me down the hall, through the main living space, and down another hall containing guest rooms and other never-used spaces. He stopped in front of a door festooned with a big red bow and ribbons.
“What did you do, Gavin?”
He grinned, appearing as excited and mischievous as any little boy. “Why don’t you open the door and find out?”
Intrigued by what lay behind the bow, I waited until he set me down and then slowly opened the door and turned on the light.
What greeted me made my hands fly up in the air to cover my mouth.
The room was bare except for walls of bookshelves and display cases. All of which were empty, but the magnificence of what they’d be was undeniable.
I was almost too afraid to ask, just in case I completely misunderstood the gesture.
“Is this…is this…”
“For you? Yes, it is.”
Gavin grabbed me by the hand and showed me around. The room was easily three times as large as the one in my apartment. It was large enough for there to be four wide display cases right in the middle.
It was glorious.
I wanted to dance up and down the aisles. My brain itched to plan the best ways to display my collections. Looking over to the far wall, I saw a perfect spot to put my desk and bank of monitors.
But I didn’t do any of that. Instead, I grasped my hand, bending it at the wrist in a nervous gesture.
“Why?”
“Because I know how much your room means to you and I wanted you to know it means that much to me too.”
“Really?” My bashful smile changed to enthusiastic when I realized Gavin was completely serious. This wonderful room actually belonged to me. For real. “How did you do it without me knowing?”
“Are you kidding? Once you get in your zone it’s impossible to distract you. And to think you accused me of working too hard.” Gavin shook his head. “The movers got the other furniture out and the new stuff put in today.”
“Today? Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack.” Gavin linked his arms around my waist. “So do you mean it? You really like it?”
“I love it!”
“You do?”
“Yes! I love it more than anything I’ve ever loved before!”
Gavin lifted me until I wrapped my legs around his lean waist. “Surely not more than anything you’ve ever loved before?”
My smile faded. A lump grew in my throat. Of course, I didn’t love it more than anything. I didn’t love it more than him, but I didn’t feel confident enough to say that.
Tongue-tied, I watched as his teasing grin turned into a frown.
“Paige? Is something wrong?”
“No. It’s perfect.”
“Not quite.” Gavin bumped my head with his. “You still haven’t answered my question.”
“Um, I…um…”
God, did I have the courage to say it out loud? What if I was completely misreading him and then confessed my love only to find myself out on my ass?
Gavin could have anyone’s love and he didn’t want it before. Why ever would he want mine now?
“All right, love. I get it.”
Panic exploded, pushing all feelings of self-preservation away. “No! You don’t!”
“I do.” Gavin put me down before placing his hands on either side of my face. “Here I am wanting to hear words I haven’t even said myself. I love you.”
They were just three words.
Three little words I’d never remembered hearing in my life. Ever.
I was afraid of those three words because how would I be able to move on when
the inevitable end came without hearing them again from this man?
Tears flooded my eyes. I couldn’t control my noisy sobs even though I pressed two hands to my face.
Gavin pulled me to his wide chest, comforting me and not saying a word until I was coherent enough to hear them.
“Love, oh my sweet love. Don’t cry. Being loved by me won’t all be bad. I promise.”
He sounded so serious that a choked giggle came out in the midst of my crying. “Being loved by you would be wonderful, Gavin.”
“Then why all the tears?”
I wiped my face with my arms, not wanting him to see my face as I warbled, “Why would you ever love me?”
“Paige. Look at me.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Paige.”
His warning tone didn’t allow for disobedience. Sniffling and knowing I looked a mess, I managed to meet his eyes.
“You ask why would I ever love you? I love you because you’re you, Paige.”
My shoulders slumped. Then the person he loved wasn’t really me. It was the woman I pretended to be when I was with him.
Someone whole. Not broken and ugly because of it.
Gavin brushed his fingers along my jaw. “Just being with you makes me happy, love. You make me feel like I belong somewhere, that who I am is good enough. And you’re so sweet, Paige. So damned sweet. You think about others all the time. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone so caring, so selfless.”
“Gavin, I’m not…I’m not as selfless as you think.”
“No? I don’t believe that.”
Of course he wouldn’t. I lied to him too damn well.
“I try to be good to you, Gavin, but don’t put me on a pedestal. You’ll regret it.”
“Regret it?” He picked me up. “I want you on a pedestal, love, because that’s where you belong. You mean everything to me. From the first moment I saw you until now. Nothing can change my love for you.”
How could my heart feel so full and broken at the same time?
Gavin frowned at me and said sweetly, “Love, you’re crushing my spirit here. Can’t you love me back just a little?”
My heart erupted and nothing was ever the same again.
“Love you a little? I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else in the world!”
I clapped my hands over my mouth, cursing myself to a thousand hells for admitting my secret. I’d lied so much already—why did I have to be honest this time?
Because I love him. I want him to know, even if it’s just this one time. Can’t I have that? Just this once?
Gavin set me down. “Do you mean that, little love? Honestly?”
“I do,” I whimpered pitifully.
An enigmatic light brightened his eyes like amber. “You have no idea how much I love hearing you say those two words.” He took my hands and brought them to his lips. “I love you, Paige, and you love me. We’ve made a beautiful life here together, haven’t we?”
I swallowed past the growing lump in my throat. Was I so twisted that I couldn’t help but hurt when someone tried to love me?
“Yes, we have. I’ve never been happier than living here with you.”
“I don’t want that to change, love.”
“You want to keep me?”
Gavin cupped my face. “Keep you? Yes, I want to keep you! I want to keep you today, tomorrow, and all the years after.”
I still didn’t get it. Were these normal love words couples passed between them? What was I supposed to say?
“Paige, I made this room for you to ask you to stay.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Gavin, not yet. Not as long as you want me here.”
A look of chagrin passed across his handsome features. “Love, haven’t you been listening to me? I don’t ever want to be separated from you.” He slipped an arm around my waist while fishing out an ebony box from his pocket. “Marry me, Paige. Marry me and be happy with me forever.”
Staring at the exquisite emerald cut diamond, I would’ve fallen down if he wasn’t holding me up.
I couldn’t marry him. Never in a million years.
Neither Patrick nor Melissa would ever let that happen. And even if I could somehow keep it a secret from those two, Gavin would expect to meet them. How would I dodge and evade that simple and reasonable request?
Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.
I knew better than anyone that happiness came with a steep price. I could have Gavin forever but by taking him as mine I’d end up losing him forever.
Turning him down would hurt for only a little bit. Accepting him as my husband would create an ugly scar to last a lifetime.
“So what will it be, love? Will you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Gavin Hawthorne?”
I knew what I would say.
My heart thudded in my chest and static seemed to fill my ears. The next words would tear everything apart. Once said I’d never be able to come back from them.
This moment would be the one to define me in Gavin’s eyes. And there’d be nothing I could say to ever justify such a grave injury.
From this moment on I’d truly deserve everything I got. I couldn’t blame my father or my shitty upbringing.
There was only one person to blame. Me.
“Yes.”
FORTY-TWO
If I was going to pull this off then I had to be flawless in the execution. My daily calls to Melissa would have to switch over to my cell. That was a potential flag so I had to make sure I did it only the day before.
I’d only take a minimum of clothing. Even the luggage had to be new. Otherwise, the cleaning woman would notice. My room, locked as it was at all times, wouldn’t draw her attention. An empty closet would.
Gavin viewed my purchases with a bemused smile. “Is this part of the famed bridal trousseau, love? You know between our wedding and honeymoon we’ll only be gone for five days.”
I winked and gave him a saucy, spoiled shrug. “New life. New luggage. New clothes.”
Consumed with my plans, I couldn’t remember most of my final days before it all went to hell. It was just little moments. Time blanked out the rest.
Gavin wanted our engagement to be public. “I want everyone to know you’re going to be mine.”
In other circumstances, this kind of splashy possessiveness would send me over the moon. However, I couldn’t take the chance of Melissa finding out. I had one shot at doing this and I couldn’t afford to make mistakes.
“Babe, how about we wait until after we get back from Costa Rica?”
He didn’t care for this at all.
Gavin tugged me to stand between his legs. “Why do you want to keep everything so secret, love?” When I didn’t answer fast enough he frowned and took his hands off my hips. “Do you not want to do this? Is that it?”
Rushing to assure him, I threw my arms around his neck and stroked the back of his head. “Gavin, I love you so much. You have no idea what I’d do to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
Maybe it was because I didn’t have to look at him, but I found it safe to confess a tiny sliver.
“I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
Gavin’s slow, steady slide of his hand down my back soothed me. “Of losing you.”
“Paige.” He held me by my arms, leaving me no choice but to look at him. “Have I done anything to make you think I’m not serious about you? About us?”
“No.”
“Have I disrespected you or taken advantage of your love for me in any way?”
My voice came out tiny. Abashed even. “No, Gavin.”
“Then why ever would you even let yourself think I’m going anywhere? Don’t you trust me?”
God, if only it was as simple as trusting Gavin. I’d trust him with my life. Just not my truth.
“I do trust you.”
“Then what is it?”
I shook my head, unable to give voice to the grief and t
error threatening to drag me under each minute since I agreed to be his wife.
I had to give Gavin some reason for my caginess. Something to pass off as nerves.
“I’m not part of New York’s high society, Gavin. What if I bring you bad press or something like that? They might look down on you for slumming. I…I don’t want anyone to think anything bad about you.”
Gavin’s placid stare gave nothing away. Seconds stretched on, dense and full of nervousness from me as I attempted to construct an appropriate strategy.
“Paige, I’ve chosen you to be mine. That’s all that matters. I don’t give a damn about society or what anyone says or doesn’t say about you. You could come to me without a penny to your name and a family full of criminals and it wouldn’t matter to me. I don’t care about your past because your future is with me.
“Who you were before doesn’t matter. What does matter is who you are now. When it comes to my personal life I don’t court other people’s opinion or approval. You’re my bride, Paige, and I couldn’t be prouder of you.”
I didn’t bother to blink back my tears. I let Gavin see them and what they meant from my heart.
“I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that. Thank you.”
Gavin kissed my lids with feather-light care. “You don’t have to thank me, love. You never have to thank me for loving you.”
This man humbled me and gave me a love so beautiful and pure I could weep. Cuddling into his chest, I wished those words would stay true.
But I knew better.
No matter how hard I worked, how much I planned, how well I executed the next few days, if things didn’t go perfectly I’d have to give Gavin up. Luck never had much use for me.
What were the chances it would be different this time? Everybody knew liars like me always got theirs in the end.
I don’t care. I haven’t come this far to give up.
“Besides, I’m not Page Six material. I’m adopted, remember? I’m not like those people. I’m not one of them and never will be. But if you want to wait, love, then we will. It’s a whirlwind kind of affair as it is. We’ll keep quiet as part of our romance.”