by Lacey Black
“But see, I don’t think your heart walked away unscathed. I think you’re already so far in love with him you can’t see straight. Am I right?”
Acknowledging the truth sucks. Avery sucks.
I shake my head up and down. God, I hate it when she’s right. It’s so much better when we’re dissecting her life and not mine.
“So, now what?” she asks.
“I don’t know. The fact that he still doesn’t trust me and that he believes the story those pictures are telling is a deal breaker for me. I just gave him the out,” I say.
“Give it a day or so and then talk to him,” she advises.
“We’ll see,” I mumble. “Look, you guys have families to get to. I’ll be fine here, and I really just want to be alone anyway,” I tell Avery.
“Are you sure? I can stay or Will?”
“No, I’m good. Thanks,” I say as I stand up and hug my best friend.
Will and Maddox enter the room and give me a quick hug before they all head towards the door. “Call me if you need anything?” she says.
“Absolutely,” I reply with a forced grin.
I watch as my best friend and her brother leave and head towards their respective vehicles. While the street is filled with cars and people, my driveway is completely empty since my car is still at the hospital. Oh well, I’ll worry about getting it later. It’s not like I can go anywhere, anyway.
I settle in for a long, quiet day. I can’t read because I can’t concentrate long enough to absorb the words. I can’t watch television because my face is plastered all over every channel. I can’t go for a walk because dozens of photographers are ready to pounce on me outside.
I grab my pillow and lie down on the couch. My pillow that smells like Jase. The tears fall into the soft material as I lay on the couch, absorbed in my own misery and grief.
This is what I wanted. Alone.
No, what I want is Jase. Happiness.
I just made sure I can never have it again.
Chapter Fourteen
Jase
The tour drags on. It’s torture to get up every day. Torture to walk up on stage. Torture to smile for the camera like my world isn’t completely crushed into a million fucking pieces. Ever since Holly said she couldn’t handle my life, I’ve been broken. So broken that I fear I’ll never be whole again. Not without Holly.
I’m down to my final concert of the tour tomorrow night and it’s a big one. Madison Square Garden. Bent is going out with a bang. The biggest show of our career. The one stadium we have yet to play.
I just wish Holly was going to be there to see it.
I’m buttoning up the buttons on the front of my blue plaid shirt while I wait for my designated time slot for makeup. I’m guest starring on the Amanda Knows Show tonight. Amanda is the newest nighttime talk show host with skyrocketing ratings each and every night. Tonight, Amanda and I are supposed to discuss the final stop of the tour and I’m going to sing the newest release with Bent, but I know that Amanda is going to drill me about this past month. Hell, everyone has been chomping at the bit to question me over it.
I’ve kept a very low profile since I left Rivers Edge. The last thing I wanted was to bring more media attention and scrutiny to Holly back home. The media has been cruel to her and painted the ugliest picture possible. I can’t stomach the things they’re saying about her. About us. The time I shared with her was the best part of my life and I can’t fucking stand to listen to them taint it.
This past month has been hell. Mostly because I realized that I was completely wrong about her and that guy. I knew before I opened my big fat mouth that Holly wasn’t seeing him, yet I couldn’t stop myself from letting my emotions - my fears - take over. I saw those pictures of her and Will on her Facebook page, along with the dozens of other pictures with the Stevens family. I knew they were just friends, and I did the one thing that I don’t allow myself to do. I let the media inside my relationship.
I fucked everything up. Bad.
I’ve picked up my phone at least a dozen times every single day to call her. Instead, I just look at her face on my screen from the night we met. That beautiful face that I still dream about every night. It haunts me like the Ghost of What Could Have Been. That ghost is a bitch.
When she told me she that she couldn’t handle my lifestyle, I decided right then and there to let her go. I can’t force her to handle it, you know? Then why in the hell am I so fucking miserable and why does my heart keep screaming at me to open my eyes?
A knock sounds on the door followed by a quick, “Five minutes.”
I grab my phone and look down at her picture one more time like I do every free moment of every single day. I start to put it back in my pocket, when I decide to scroll through my contacts. It’s as if my fingers are acting on their own. Helping to fix the fuck ups I’ve created.
Avery.
Without allowing myself one second to think it through, I quickly hit ‘Call’.
Avery’s voice fills my ear after the third ring. “Hello?”
“Hey, Avery. It’s Jase,” I tell her.
She’s quiet for several seconds and I start to wonder if we lost connection. “Jase?”
“Yeah,” I say as I clear my throat.
“What’s up?” she asks, her voice friendly and not full of the hostility that I expected.
“I, uh…I’m not sure why I called,” I tell her honestly.
“She’s doing okay,” she says as she closes a door, closing herself off from the kids in the background.
“Really?” I ask, glad at least that she’s okay while I wallow in my misery.
“I mean, she’s as good as can be expected considering she’s miserable.”
“She is?” I ask, perking up for the first time in weeks. Sadistic bastard that I am is actually a little relieved that she hasn’t completely moved on with her life as if I wasn’t a part of it.
“Yeah, she is. How about you?”
“Fucking wrecked,” I tell her honestly. “I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe.”
“Why haven’t you called her?” she asks.
I don’t know. Because I’m an idiot. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Well, start with the truth,” she says.
“The truth still doesn’t change the fact that she can’t deal with my life,” I reply, dejected all over again.
“Think about that for a few minutes, Jase. Really think about it.”
I sit there with my eyes closed. Holly’s laugh. Holly’s sparkling hazel eyes. Holly’s smile as she sasses back to me. Holly underneath me as we made love. The look in her eyes while we connected so much deeper than we’ve both ever connected with anyone else before. As if there was never anyone else before. As if we were the only two people in the entire world.
And then I know. I know she loves me. She loves me for me, not Jase Bentley - lead singer of Bent. Holly is the only one who truly knows the real me. The stress. The restlessness. The loneliness. She knows all of that and loves me anyway. She’s the only one I’ve ever let in.
“Does she still love me, Avery?” I ask, hopeful and terrified all at the same time.
“What do you think, Jase?” she replies, the smile in her voice as evident as the earth under my feet.
“I’ve gotta go,” I tell her and start to pull my phone down. “Wait!” I say as I bring the phone back up to my ear. “Avery?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you make sure Holly is watching the Amanda Knows Show tonight?”
“I think I can do that,” she replies with happiness in each word.
“Thanks, Avery. I owe you.”
“You make my best friend as happy as she deserves to be and that’s all the thanks I need,” she says.
“Deal,” I reply before I click off the phone.
“Makeup, Mr. Bentley,” I hear as the knock sounds on the door.
I shove my phone into my pocket and head out of the small dressing room. I follow t
he young assistant as he walks me back to makeup.
Thirty minutes to show time.
Jesse is sitting in the seat next to me when I get in there. “Change in plan,” I tell him. Jesse looks up and just raises his eyebrow at me. “The new song we’ve ran through a couple of times? I want to do that tonight.”
“What? We can’t change our song last minute, Jase. We’ve ran through that song, like what, three times?” Jesse says as the makeup artist applies powder to his face.
“We are. I’m singing that song tonight, Jesse.”
“For the girl?” he asks with the slightest raise of the corner of his mouth.
“What girl?” I ask, knowing damn good and well who he’s referring to.
“The girl you wrote that song for,” he says with a smile.
I just smile back at him.
Yes, it’s about that girl. My girl.
The only girl.
*****
“And now, please help me welcome Jase Bentley,” Amanda says from her seat behind the small desk.
The crowd erupts into loud cheers as I walk out onto the stage. I give them all my patented smile and offer a little wave to the crowd before stepping up and towards the seat next to Amanda’s desk. Amanda stands up and gives me a friendly hug over the desk before waving her hand and indicating for me to have a seat.
“Jase Bentley, everyone,” she says with a huge smile.
“Thanks for having me, Amanda,” I say with a grin.
“Jase, Jase, Jase. You’ve been a very busy man for awhile now. How’s the tour?” she asks.
“Really great,” I say. “Though, it’s actually wrapping up tomorrow night here in New York City,” I say with a smile.
“Sad? Happy?”
“Sad to see it coming to an end, but happy at the same time,” I reply.
“What does that mean?”
“Well, I will miss the guys. I will miss the fans. I will miss making music. But, I’m ready to take a step back. I’m ready to find roots and settle down a little bit.”
“So the rumors are true? Bent is taking a hiatus for awhile?”
“That is true,” I start to say as the crowd shares their displeasure with rounds of boos. “I’m not sure for how long, but I definitely need a break. It’s been crazy. I’ve been on the road for three years straight and while I’m grateful for the opportunities we’ve had, it’s time to step back and live our lives outside of the spotlight every night.”
“Does this have anything to do with a certain woman you were photographed with a month back?” she asks with a sly smile. I knew she was going to bring her up.
I smile back at Amanda. She’s tall - about five foot, eight - with long brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. She’s also about thirty-five years old and has worked as a correspondence for several entertainment news agencies before she was offered this primetime spot.
“I’d been thinking about it for about six months before I met the woman in those photos.”
Amanda sets her chin on her fist and leans in ready to get the scoop. “So, let’s talk about that woman, Jase. Who is she?”
“She is a woman I met two months ago before a show in St. Charles. She stole my breath the first moment I saw her,” I tell her.
“So, you were seeing her?”
“Despite what you might have heard, I had no clue who she was before that night. I also was not seeing Camille by that point either.”
“Ahhhhh, Camille. I remember those accusations she flung your way. So, you weren’t dating her anymore, right?”
“No, I had broken it off with Camille a week before I met that woman in Missouri,” I tell her.
“So, what’s going on with the two of you now?”
“Unfortunately, nothing,” I tell her. “My life is very public and it’s a hard life for those who aren’t used to it to deal with. I don’t blame her at all for walking away,” I tell Amanda.
“Wait! She walked away?” she asks, incredulous as the crowd echoed her astonishment.
“Yeah, she did,” I reply and look down.
“You seem regretful of that, Jase.”
“I am very much regretful of that. I have so much I want to say to her.”
“Why don’t you tell her now?” she asks with a huge wolfish grin. Ratings!
“As much as I’d love to, Amanda, I actually would prefer to tell her in person, face to face, without the audience,” I say with a laugh.
“Awww, that’s too bad. So, what can we expect for Bent’s final show tomorrow night?” Amanda asks.
“We are tearing up Madison Square Garden tomorrow night. I’m told the show has been sold out for months, but I have a pair of tickets to one lucky audience member this evening,” I say causing the entire crowd to erupt to eardrum splitting decibels.
“That’s so great, Jase. We’ll help you pick a winner of those tickets in just a bit. Did I hear that you and Bent are going to sing a song for us tonight?” she asks.
“You heard correct,” I reply as I start to stand up.
Bent is already in position on stage right so I start to head over to my friends, my band. I slide my familiar guitar around my neck and step up to the microphone.
“Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, Bent,” Amanda says, offering us a round of applause.
“Thank you, Amanda. You know, we were going to perform our latest release, ‘Trigger Finger’, but I have a real treat for you tonight. Tonight, we’re performing a new song that I wrote a few weeks back. It’s called ‘Promise Me’,” I say.
The drums count down the beat as the guitars slowly play the melody I wrote. It’s soft and instrumental and speaks from the soul.
Beautiful eyes, eyes that fill my nights with brightness,
Stunning smile, a smile that livens up my days,
The softest skin, as you wrap your arms around me,
Filling my heart with only you in so many ways.
I feel your body press against me,
Lighting me up like never before,
I crave your touch, your light, your laughter,
I crave your love forever more.
Promise me, you’ll always be beside me
Promise me, that you will always see us through,
I promise you to love you always,
I promise you, only you.
Promise me,
I promise you.
The lyrics flow as I close my eyes and picture her face. I sing this song only for her and I pray that somewhere, somehow she is watching. I pray that she is listening to these words and knows they are for her. I pray that she knows all of the things I never told her.
This is her song. My ballad. The only love ballad I’ve ever written, and it is hers. The only one I will ever write because there will never be another after her.
She’s it.
My life.
My forever song.
*****
“Last show,” Phillip says behind me.
“Yep,” I reply as I strap my guitar around my neck.
“You gonna miss this?” he asks, nodding towards the darkened arena. The crowd is electric as they chant the name Bent, Bent, Bent over and over again.
I smile as I answer, “I’ll miss it, sure. But, I’m ready to wake up tomorrow and not have an agenda of things to do.”
“Yeah, well, find yourself a wife and kids and I guarantee you’ll never have a moment to yourself again,” he says with a laugh.
I laugh in return. “You’re probably right. And if I get a chance at that wife and kids, I’m latching on as tight as humanly possible. I’m not letting her go again,” I say moments before stepping out on the stage.
The lights are dark, but I follow the stage lights to my spot in front. The band is counting down the start of “Fire.” I start the lyrics for the final time. The thought tightens my chest and catches my breath. The last time.
And I’m okay with that.
I glance around the crowd, only able to see the first few rows bec
ause of the blinding lights. I’m actually losing my mind because the girl in the front row actually looks like Holly. Over the last month, I’ve seen her everywhere, in every city. I close my eyes and finish the song without looking back. Seeing a woman who resembles her is the worst kind of torture. Punishment.
I make it through four more songs before I have to walk away. Those hazel eyes are so intense and fierce, so much like Holly’s. She’s been staring at me the entire concert, not singing along, not moving. Just staring. I’m starting to think I’m losing my fucking mind.
I signal to the band that I’m going to play “Promise Me”. We played it for the first time publicly last night on the Amanda Knows Show and it seems fitting that we play it one last time tonight.
I grab the stool at the back of the stage and pull it up front and center.
“Hey, you guys don’t mind if I sit for a minute, do you?” I ask the audience. Their deafening screams fill my ears and I can’t help the smile that spreads wide across my face. I’m going to miss this part of touring. I’m going to miss interacting with the fans who just came to hear me sing. The music. It reaches deep into your soul and touches you in ways that nothing else can.
“Recently, I wrote a song that I thought I’d sing for you guys tonight. Since this is Bent’s final show for awhile, I thought it’d be only fitting that you guys get to hear it live and in person tonight. Is that okay?” I ask the screaming crowd.
Jesse starts the now familiar cords of the intro.
I close my eyes and let the words flow.
Beautiful eyes, eyes that fill my nights with brightness,
Stunning smile, a smile that livens up my days,
The softest skin, as you wrap your arms around me,
Filling my heart, with only you in so many ways.
I feel your body press against me,
Lighting me up like never before,
I crave your touch, your light, your laughter,
I crave your love forever more.
I open my eyes as I sing that last line and my eyes instantly connect with that girl who reminds me so much of my Holly. The girl has tears streaming down her face. That perfect heart-shaped face that I picture everywhere I go. Those deep, hazel eyes that are like windows to her soul. That lush, warm mouth that I dream about kissing at all hours of the day.