Scorpions

by Walter Knight

  “Not now,” advised the new sergeant. “After being on such a harsh diet out in the desert for so long, gorging myself on human food would only get me sick. I prefer to settle and familiarize myself with the embassy grounds. I met the guards earlier. I was not impressed, but I can address that problem tomorrow.”

  “Good!” said the ambassador. “I have a feeling you are going to do a fine job for me.”

  The ambassador stormed off to the front gate. Marine guards were gathered at the guard shack, eating buffalo sausage pizza delivered from Pizza Hut.

  “Sir!” announced a sergeant, saluting. “We saved pizza for you. It is excellent.”

  “Thank you,” replied the ambassador, taking several slices. “Has anyone seen the mechanic? Did he say anything about doing work on our motor pool cars? All the batteries are missing.”

  Silence.

  “Am I to assume someone stole all our car batteries?” asked the ambassador, angrily. “And they did it right under your mandibles? No one suspicious passed by you?”

  More silence.

  “Sergeant, you are busted back down to private!” announced the ambassador, ripping insignias off his collar. “Our new Sergeant of the Guard is a tough Special Forces commando. He will square you all away in short order!”

  As the ambassador marched back to his quarters, carrying several boxes of pizza, he met his new Sergeant of the Guard. “Is all in order?” asked the ambassador. “Are you already settled in?”

  “Yes, sir,” advised the new sergeant. “Did you know your armored car will not start? Its battery is missing.”

  “Why am I not surprised!” said the ambassador. “All of our car batteries have been pilfered! Your first assignment will be to get to the bottom of this!”

  “Can we get replacements?” asked the sergeant.

  “Check with the mechanic in the morning,” suggested the ambassador. “He is missing, too! We might have spares in the motor pool. If not, it will be damned expensive ordering new ones from home.”

  “Maybe the peacekeepers can provide us replacement batteries,” suggested the sergeant.

  “That is a good idea!” exclaimed the ambassador. “Handle it!”

  * * * * *

  The next morning, I visited the Scorpion Ambassador. I hoped to rehabilitate our relationship, but he still seemed upset about my blowing up his embassy in New Phoenix.

  “Captain Czerinski, I see you have finally been demoted,” said the ambassador, curtly. “It is about time. What do you want?”

  “I am just conducting a routine courtesy visit to show respect for your rank and office,” I replied. “I hope that any problems from the past can be overlooked, and that we can work together on a positive personal level to solve any new problems that may arise.”

  “What problems could I have?” asked the ambassador. “You are the one with big problems. I have a division of peacekeepers to deter Legion mischief, and they all know where you live!”

  “Please advise the commander of the peacekeepers that if anything bad befalls me or any of my legionnaires, that I ordered the gunner on the Space Weapons Platform T. Roosevelt to bomb you and your embassy with the biggest bombs he can find.”

  “You are in not position to make threats,” advised the ambassador. “Who do you think you are talking to? You don’t have the authority.”

  “It’s not a threat,” I said. “It’s a promise. I bombed you once before, and I can do it again!”

  “Whatever,” said the ambassador. “Time is on my side. I am sure the high radiation will kill all you legionnaire pests soon, anyway. Your hair is falling out already.”

  For the first time, I noticed the scorpion Sergeant of the Guards standing off to the side. Recognition was instant.

  “I see you remember my new security chief,” commented the ambassador. “He speaks well of you, but then no one is perfect.”

  “I’m sure,” I replied, now ignoring the new sergeant. “One more thing. I heard you are in need of new vehicle batteries. Someone stole all your batteries and spares last night? That does not speak well for security. I just happen to have spare scorpion-manufactured batteries I can sell to you.”

  “Oh?” asked the ambassador. “What good luck for us. How did you obtain these batteries?” “Of course there is a markup price because of high import costs,” I added. “Talk to my security chief about the details,” said the ambassador. “Do you take VISA?” “Yes, of course,” I replied. The Sergeant of the Guard and I walked alone to the courtyard for a private conversation. “It takes a lot of gall to sell us back our own batteries, and do it at a marked-up price,” commented the sergeant. “How long do you expect your outrageous behavior will be tolerated?”

  “It is going to get worse,” I advised. “Your computers and communications systems have been gutted, too.”

  “You admit your complicity?” asked the sergeant. “Your arrogance will be your downfall.”

  “Some events are bigger than any individual can control or stop,” I explained. “Your King pays his troops peanuts, while you are surrounded by the wealth of New Colorado. What do you expect? It is inevitable that there will be corruption under those circumstances. You would be wise to play ball.”

  “Are you offering me a bribe, too?” asked the sergeant. “I will not be bought, or succumb to your Mafia tactics.”

  “We will see. It’s not personal. Like I said, it’s bigger than just you and me.”

  * * * * *

  Guido brought the batteries and some much needed electronic gear to the Scorpion Embassy front gate. The Sergeant of the Guard paid Guido, using a titanium VISA card. Guido handed the sergeant back a receipt and a sealed envelope.

  “What is this?” asked the sergeant. “Cash,” answered Guido. “I don’t deal in anything but cash.” “For what?” asked the sergeant. “I already told Czerinski I will not take bribes.” “It’s not a bribe,” said Guido, refusing to take the envelope back. “It’s a kickback on transactions. Call it a finder’s fee. If you don’t want the money, give it to the ambassador. I don’t care.”

  “There will be no under-the-table kickbacks!” insisted the sergeant.

  “You cannot refuse a transaction fee,” said Guido. “It’s like paying your taxes. It’s the law. You don’t want to break the law do you?”

  “You lie,” said the sergeant, frustrated. “It is not scorpion law. You are corrupt, and you are trying to taint me with your corruption.”

  “You are no longer on your home world,” advised Guido. “This is New Colorado. Didn’t you learn when you were out in the desert how easy it is to die here on New Colorado? How easy it is to be swallowed up by the sand and forgotten?”

  The scout flinched at the thought of his desert escape and near brush with death.

  “If you want to buy anything else, call me on my personal cell phone,” advised Guido, as he left. “Just let me know whatever you want. I take wagers on the upcoming playoffs, too.”

  “If you do not want that kickback, I will take it,” commented one of the marine guards standing nearby.

  “Shut up!” ordered the sergeant as he slipped the envelope inside his coat pocket. “I will not tolerate any more thefts of Kingdom property! If it happens again, I will shoot someone!”

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  Chapter 16

  “By order of His Majesty the King, I order all political prisoners released immediately,” announced the Scorpion General of the Peacekeepers. “Their days of oppression by humanity will end now!”

  “We do not hold political prisoners,” replied a scorpion deputy sheriff sitting at the front desk. “This is the county jail. All we hold is drunkards and criminals.”

  “Step aside!” ordered the scorpion general.

  “I have already radioed the Legion,” advised the scorpion deputy. “You can talk to them about political prisoners.”

  “The Legion is nothing but a few insignificant pests whose days are numbered,” warned the general. “Do not l
ink your fate with theirs.”

  “The T. Roosevelt Space Weapons Platform will even the odds,” advised the deputy.

  The scorpion general looked up nervously at the mere mention of the T. Roosevelt. “We shall see about that! I demand entry! I will personally interview each and every oppressed scorpion you traitors hold!”

  “I told you, we do not hold political prisoners. Are you deaf? And do not call me a traitor again, or I will arrest you for disorderly conduct!” warned the scorpion deputy. “I have had about enough of you!”

  “This is my last warning,” said the scorpion general. “Release all political prisoners – or else.”

  “The only way I am releasing anyone is if you post cash bail,” insisted the scorpion deputy. “It’s the law. And we don’t take checks from out-of-towners!”

  * * * * *

  I arrived with a column of Legion armored cars. Legionnaires deployed between the scorpion peacekeepers and the entrance to the county jail.

  “What is this all about?” I asked. “If scorpion political prisoners are not released immediately, force will be used to rescue them,” warned the scorpion general. “How many political prisoners do you hold?” I asked the deputy sheriff. “None,” answered the scorpion deputy. “How many times do I have to say that?” “Oh, come on,” I argued. “You must have a few.” “None!” repeated the scorpion deputy. “This is the Sheriff’s Office, not a Legion concentration camp.” “Ouch,” I said. “The Legion does not have concentration camps. I wish we did.” “Enough of this bickering!” interrupted the scorpion general. “Open up this jail now!” “If I release our political prisoners, what will you do with them?” I asked. “I do not want potential terrorists running loose on our streets. I’ll shoot them first.”

  “I will bring them home with me,” answered the scorpion general. “For their own protection from Legion abuse, they will come back to our home world.”

  “That’s reasonable,” I responded. Turning to the deputy, I said, “Using my authority as Supreme Military Commander of the Scorpion Colony, I will escort the general inside your jail to facilitate the release of all political prisoners found to be unlawfully detained.”

  “Finally!” said the scorpion general. “I knew the Sheriff’s Office lied about political prisoners.”

  We entered Maximum Security first, searching for the elusive political prisoners. Immediately inmates began yelling out small cell windows.

  “I know we’ll find some political prisoners up here,” I said. “I feel it in my bones.”

  The sheriff’s deputy warily opened the first cell door for the general’s interviews.

  “Is it lunch time already?” asked the scorpion inmate. “Who is this? I am getting flashbacks just looking at all those ribbons and medals.”

  “I am Commander of the Peacekeeping Forces,” advised the general. “Who are you?”

  “I am the River Rat Bandit. Don’t you watch TV? I am famous. I have knocked over more banks than even Danny Grant. I am public enemy number one of all time!”

  “I am here to release all political prisoners held in oppression by the Legion,” announced the general. “Have you been mistreated?”

  “Oh, hell, yes,” said the River Rat Bandit. “I am the most mistreated oppressed political prisoner here. The pigs violate my constitutional rights all the time!”

  “Does the sheriff beat you?” asked the general.

  “Joe?” asked the River Rat Bandit. “No, Joe’s okay. But his deputies thump me all the time. And they feed us TV dinners. Even worse, they took our coffee ration away, claiming it makes us too hyper. Can you believe it? Now they won’t let us smoke. That is just not right.”

  “What are this inmate’s exact charges?” asked the general.

  “Multiple robberies and kidnapping,” answered the scorpion deputy. “His gang hid out along the Jellystone River between robberies. That is how he got his nickname.”

  “So, when do I get out?” asked the River Rat Bandit. “I’ve got places to go, and females to keep happy!”

  “I have heard and seen enough,” advised the general. “Close the door on this fool. Where are the real political prisoners?”

  “This is as good as it gets,” I answered. “But you can take the River Rat Bandit and his gang if you promise not to bring them back.”

  “The King ordered me to rescue all political prisoners,” advised the general. “Obviously our intelligence was faulty. The King will be unhappy with me. Unfortunately, he always shoots the messenger.”

  “You don’t want the River Rat Bandit?” I asked.

  “I don’t dare present to the King this collection of criminals and idiots,” said the general, sighing. “Every species has its scum, and it appears you have been arresting ours.”

  “Hey!” yelled the River Rat Bandit. “Who are you calling scum? Bring me a grievance form! You can’t get away with that!”

  “I do not want the River Rat Bandit or his gang,” said the general. “Maybe interviews will go better with the rest of the prisoners.”

  “Tough!” I replied. “It won’t get better! You surrounded the county jail with armor and bullied your way inside. Now everyone, including the press, is watching. How do you think it’s going to look if you leave empty-handed? It could even start a war. I will be doing you a big favor by giving you the River Rat Bandit and all his friends in Maximum Security. You owe me big-time because you will get good press out of this, and the King will be happy. You have your orders, and now you can obey them.”

  “You cannot just deport your criminals to us,” said the general. “What will I do with them, once they are found out? I cannot present the River Rat Bandit to the King. He would have my head.”

  “I don’t really care,” I said. “You are intelligent and resourceful, otherwise you wouldn’t be a general. Hide them somewhere. The Kingdom is a big place. Or throw them out an airlock. They’re not my problem anymore. Don’t you have a remote asteroid you can put them on?”

  “I do,” said the general, brightening as he formulated a plan. “I will take the Rat after all. And, I will interview all your scorpion prisoners. I will select a hundred political prisoners and take them home.”

  “Outstanding. Remember, you may not return any of them.”

  “Agreed.”

  * * * * *

  The River Rat Bandit and his friends from Maximum Security were taken to a waiting scorpion shuttle for deportation. They waved to the TV cameras and peacekeepers as inmates inside the county jail cheered.

  “Power to the people!” shouted the River Rat Bandit, raising his claw. “End the oppression! Down with pigs!”

  Once inside the shuttle, the River Rat Bandit paced uncomfortably. He eyed the armed marine guards suspiciously. After liftoff, he became more agitated. “Are we in space?” asked the River Rat Bandit. “What are we doing in space?”

  “You are headed home,” advised a marine sergeant. “What?” he asked. “Are we taking the scenic route? I live along the Jellystone River. Am I being deported?” “You are returning to the Kingdom,” said the sergeant. “Welcome back.” “We are free!” shouted one of the others. “What are you complaining about?” “You think returning to the Kingdom is freedom?” asked the River Rat Bandit. “I do not think so. Stop this ship immediately! I am an American citizen, and I have rights! Let me go.”

  Guards blocked the River Rat Bandit’s attempt to push through a doorway to see the captain. When he poked a marine guard with a claw, the Rat got hit with the butt of a rifle for causing trouble. “You are free,” announced the sergeant. “Have you been locked up so long, you cannot handle freedom?”

  “What would you or the Kingdom know of freedom?” replied the River Rat Bandit, defiantly. “You ruined all my plans. Eventually I was going to be released on New Colorado. I buried all my loot in a safe place along the river. I was going to make a new start of things on the frontier. All I needed was a grub stake. I had it, and you messed it up!”

>   “You belong with your own kind,” insisted the sergeant. “You belong with us now. The humans will never oppress you again.”

  “I am just trading one prison for another,” said the River Rat Bandit. “Screw that! I am an American citizen. I might not be a perfect citizen, but I was going to improve. I do not want to be deported.”

  “The humans do not want you,” replied the sergeant. “Not only are you a fool and a criminal, you are also a traitor. You will not last long. The Kingdom has special plans for you.”

  The River Rat Bandit contemplated his options as he paced back and forth, his rage rising to a frenzy. Maybe they could storm the ship and turn it around. He sized up the guards. They were all armed and alert. This was not a freedom flight. This was a prison transport. He should know. The River Rat Bandit had been on plenty of prison transports. “I will not go!” shouted the River Rat Bandit.

  He advanced on the sergeant, tail raised. His stinger dripped with venom. The sergeant raised his rifle, expecting an attack. Suddenly the River Rat Bandit’s tail whipped forward and around, stinging himself through the heart. The Rat fell to the floor in cardiac arrest, and died.

  * * * * *

  AP News Release

  The Scorpion Queen and Nobel Peace Prize Laureate arrived on Arthropoda today to begin trade talks with the Emperor. It is hoped the surprise visit will thaw otherwise frosty relations between the Arthropodan Empire and the Scorpion Kingdom.

  On New Colorado, scorpion peacekeepers confronted legionnaires and sheriff’s deputies, forcing the release of over one hundred political prisoners. Prior to their discovery, the Legion had denied holding any political prisoners. Legion spokesperson Captain Czerinski commented that he was glad to see them go. “The Legion should not hold political prisoners in America.”