by Leigh Bale
“That was amazing.” Mr. Garvey stood beside Sean and grinned. “We’ve never had such a successful career day. I’ve never seen the kids this enthused before.”
Sean nodded. “Good. I’m glad we could help. And thank you for inviting us. We appreciate it, too. I suspect we’ll get one or two good firefighters out of this group.”
Minutes passed as Sean and Tessa mingled with the students. By the time they finished their work, packed up and headed back to the hotshot base, all Sean could think was how right the FMO had been to send them together to this event. But their work was as far as being together would ever go.
Chapter Five
The moon shone bright and round in the evening sky when Tessa and the rest of the crew finally got off work that night. She loved the longer days of summer, but it also meant extended work hours. On the hotshot crew, they didn’t quit until the work was done. If they had equipment to clean and sharpen, or other special tasks to do, they kept at it until it was finished.
She parked her truck along the sidewalk edging Rocklin Diner. As she got out and headed for the door, her stomach rumbled. A single streetlight cast an eerie gleam over the sidewalk.
The bell above the door to the restaurant tinkled gaily as Tessa stepped inside. All at once, she was engulfed by the tantalizing aromas of fried chicken and apple pie. Still wearing her dusty hotshot uniform, she glanced around, noticing the place was almost empty. Not surprising at this late hour. Most people had already had their supper and gone home.
Harlie and Dean sat in a corner booth, their faces still covered in grime but their hands freshly washed.
“Hey, Tessa! Come and join us.” They waved her over.
“Thanks, guys, but I want to talk to Megan for a while.” She smiled and pointed as she slid onto a tall stool at the front counter.
The diner was a regular meeting place for the hotshots, but Tessa wanted to be alone right now. The guys smiled, seeming to understand.
“Hi, Tessa.” Megan Rocklin waved to her from behind the salad bar.
Correction. Her name wasn’t Rocklin anymore. Not now that she was married to Jared Marshall, the fire management officer.
In spite of being the owner of the place, Megan wore blue jeans and a short apron with straws and a notepad sticking out of the front pocket.
Tessa hugged her good friend. “It’s so nice to see you. Marriage suits you.”
“It’s good to see you, too. You look so great.”
As Tessa leaned her elbows on the clean counter, she glanced at her grimy clothes. “Yeah, right.”
Megan chuckled and slid a menu in front of her. “Sean kept you hotshots late at work tonight.”
Tessa nodded, not opening the menu. “Yes, we were clearing a new trail in the park and I’m famished. What’s the special this evening?”
“Chicken fried steak. The grill’s still on, so we can make whatever you like.”
“The special sounds good,” Tessa said. “With mashed potatoes?”
“Of course.” Megan quickly jotted some notes on her pad and snapped the order up for the cook. Then, knowing what Tessa liked, Megan got her a glass of milk and a glass of ice water.
“How are you doing?” Megan asked as she slid the beverages onto the counter.
Tessa didn’t pretend not to understand. Before she’d married Jared, Megan’s first husband had been a member of the crew and was killed in the line of duty two years earlier. The two women had been friends for several years, but the fact that Tessa had lost her elder brother in a similar situation last summer gave them something in common.
“I’m fine, all things considered.”
Megan paused, a heaviness filling her voice. “How is work going this season?”
“It’s okay.”
Megan leaned closer and spoke in a lower voice, so the other hotshots wouldn’t overhear. “You don’t sound so certain. How is it between you and Sean?”
Tessa released a heavy sigh. Like everyone else in town, Megan knew about Tessa’s broken engagement. “I do my work and try to avoid him.”
Megan gave a sad little laugh. “I know it can’t be easy between the two of you right now.”
“We just do our jobs.” In the past Tessa would have opened up and confided more to Megan. But now the woman was married to the FMO, Tessa’s big boss, and she didn’t want confidential things getting back to him. It wouldn’t be good form. He might tell Sean. Or he might take it all wrong and decide that she shouldn’t be working on the crew anymore. And none of those outcomes pleased Tessa.
“It’s Zach’s birthday on Sunday,” Tessa said.
Megan rested a hand on top of a napkin dispenser. “Are you going to visit him at the cemetery?”
“Yes, right after church.” And Tessa realized maybe that was why she was feeling his loss a bit more deeply than usual. Thinking about her brother made her throat constrict.
“Tell him I miss him, too, will you?” Megan said.
“Of course.” Tears burned Tessa’s eyes, but she blinked them back. It didn’t matter. Megan wasn’t fooled and handed her a clean tissue.
“I didn’t think Sean would be coming back this year,” Tessa said.
Megan tilted her head. “You mean here to Minoa? On the hotshot crew?”
“Yes. I was stunned that he was named the new superintendent, too.” Tessa didn’t need to explain about Brian’s recent marriage and resignation, or Rollo’s sad family situation. No doubt Megan already knew.
“I must admit, I was also surprised that Sean remained in town after all you two went through. I also thought he would leave the area,” Megan admitted.
“Apparently he decided to stay.”
“Any idea why?” Megan asked.
“No. Conversation with him is like talking to a brick wall.”
“How’s he doing? I mean, really. How is he? And you know what you tell me will remain between us. I won’t tell Jared a thing.”
Tessa wiped her nose. Based on their past relationship, she trusted Megan to keep a confidence, even from Jared. But an innocent slip of the tongue could divulge private information to the FMO. Tessa didn’t want to cause any more problems, nor did she want to put Megan in a position where she would have to watch what she said around her own husband.
“Honestly, I don’t know how Sean is, but I can tell you that he’s still a stubborn mule,” Tessa said.
Megan laughed. “Yes, but that’s one of the qualities that makes him a great firefighter. I just wish you two could get back together.”
“No. He doesn’t love me anymore, Megan.”
“Did he say that?”
“In so many words. He said he didn’t want me anymore, that he wanted something else. So I took that to mean he doesn’t love me.”
“Do you still love him?”
Tessa hesitated, searching her heart. But all she felt was a numbing ache. “No, not anymore.”
A niggling doubt caused her to look away. Sean had broken her heart, and it had crowded out all the love she’d once had for him. Now she could barely stand to be in the same room with the man.
Megan retrieved a platter of salt and pepper shakers from beneath the counter and started refilling them. “I find that hard to believe. A love like what you two shared doesn’t die easily.”
Tessa snorted. “It has for Sean.”
“I don’t believe that,” Megan said.
“It’s true. He’s not the same now. He’s changed and we’ve both moved on.”
Or had they? Of course they had. So why couldn’t she stop thinking about him? Or feeling like they still had unfinished business between them?
“I’m sorry to hear that. I truly understand how you feel. The loss. The grieving. They seem to go on forever. I wish there was a way to go
back in time and undo everything,” Megan said.
“Me, too,” Tessa said.
But it wouldn’t bring Zach back. And Tessa knew her breakup with Sean was for the best. He could be hiding something from her. She might never know what really happened to her brother. And she could never marry a man she didn’t trust. Nor could she marry a man who wouldn’t open up and talk to her about difficult issues. She wanted to be a team with her husband. To have a marriage where his hurt was her hurt, his pain was her pain, his victory her victory and his concerns her concerns. To have oneness of heart and mind. And that wasn’t possible with Sean right now.
Megan made a tsking sound. “It must have been terrible for Sean. Battling the flames and fighting for his life. It’s a dangerous profession. Why should we be surprised when someone we love gets killed doing it?”
Tessa met the other woman’s eyes. “How did you get over losing your husband?”
Megan showed a sad smile. “I’ll let you know if it ever happens. But for now I can tell you this. After Blaine died, I promised myself I’d never love another firefighter as long as I lived.”
“Really?” That was amazing news, considering Jared Marshall was the fire management officer. And before that, he’d been the superintendent of a hotshot crew, just like Sean. As the FMO, Jared wouldn’t be on the front lines fighting the flames, but he’d always be involved in firefighting to some degree.
“Yes, really. When I met Jared, I fought my feelings toward him for a long time, but then I had to give in. Sometimes our heart knows what’s best for us. We don’t always get to pick who we fall in love with. It just happens to us. And then we have to turn the rest over to the Lord. We have to trust Him to take care of the ones we love.”
Tessa nodded, understanding completely. But it was much easier said than done. She’d always had a strong faith in God, and she’d tried to hand her anger and hurt over to Him. But her doubts still niggled at her. Maybe they always would.
“How did you learn to trust in love again?” Tessa asked.
“My faith in God helped a lot. I learned to rely on Him. I’m guessing Sean is suffering from survivor’s guilt. He’s probably wondering why he lived when Zach died. It must be so difficult. Trying to understand. Trying to cope with what happened. And wondering if there was something he could have done to save Zach.”
Tessa chewed her bottom lip, fighting off a sense of compassion for Sean. A part of her still blamed him for Zach’s death. If he hadn’t taken her brother into that chimney area to work, then Zach might still be alive.
“I just wish Sean would talk to me about it. I wish he’d help me understand what happened,” Tessa said.
“It wouldn’t change anything if he did. Zach’s gone and you can’t bring him back,” Megan said.
But it might dispel Tessa’s doubts. It might restore her faith in Sean.
Megan reached out and clasped Tessa’s hand in hers. “Look, sweetie. Can I give you a bit of loving advice?”
Tessa nodded, knowing Megan had her best interests at heart.
“Be patient with Sean. He’ll come around. Just don’t give up on him. You both need time to grieve and sort this out. Trust him,” Megan said.
Not likely. Not anymore. In fact, Tessa doubted she’d ever love another man again. Men had brought her nothing but heartache.
She reached for her glass of ice water and took a long swallow. She appreciated Megan’s friendship more than she could say. It felt so good to confide in someone. If she didn’t have to work with Sean every day, she wouldn’t care if she never saw him again. She’d already given up on him.
She released a heavy sigh, remembering that horrible day when Zach had died. The heavy smoke. The scorching heat. The crushing fear when she’d been told that both her brother and Sean were missing.
Megan and her two young children had been coming down off the mountain after delivering food supplies to the fire camp. They were caught in the same fire. Jared had found Megan and her kids just in time and they took refuge in Gosser’s Creek. Otherwise, they might have died, too.
“Do you think Sean did something to cause Zach’s death?” Tessa asked.
“No. Honey, they would never have promoted Sean if he’d done something wrong. That’s the way it works,” Megan said.
The woman sounded so certain. She had so much faith in Jared’s judgment. Tessa wished she could have that kind of confidence in Sean. She knew he was a favorite with the Forest Service administration. He was a workhorse who got results. No wonder they’d promoted him. She just hoped he wasn’t hiding something they’d overlooked. Something even they didn’t suspect. She didn’t believe Sean would have knowingly put Zach at risk, but negligence was just as deadly. He might have been careless or inattentive, and she would never know unless he told her. And maybe that was why he refused to talk about it. She had no way of knowing for certain.
A bell rang and Tessa jerked. Megan turned and reached for a plate of food the fry cook had just set beneath the warming lamps. She slid the plate in front of Tessa and smiled.
“Eat up. And be of good cheer. It’ll all work out for the best,” Megan said.
Tessa hoped so. She picked up her fork, trying to focus on her food. She caught the tantalizing aroma, but somehow she wasn’t hungry anymore. She forced herself to take a bite and wondered again why Sean had stayed on the crew. He had a lot of wildfire experience and would be an asset working on any forest in the nation. He didn’t need to stay in sleepy Minoa, Nevada. So why had he changed his mind and remained here?
“Just trust God and follow your heart,” Megan said as she stepped away from the counter.
Follow her heart. She had no idea what that was anymore. Nor did she have any desire to mend her relationship with Sean.
The bell above the door tinkled as a man walked into the restaurant. He sat at the opposite end of the counter and nodded expectantly. With one last understanding smile, Megan went to serve him.
Tessa barely tasted the tender meat and potatoes. Her thoughts were tied up in her conversation with Megan. And when she finished her meal, Tessa stepped over to the cash register to pay her bill. She chatted a few more minutes with Megan. General stuff about the woman’s two sweet kids that had nothing to do with what was really troubling her. And when Tessa stepped outside into the cool night air, she had a lot to think about.
* * *
Sean slowed his truck and turned off the main road at the edge of town. Two more blocks, and he pulled through the tall arches at the opening of the cemetery. A wrought-iron fence circled the perimeter. Headstones dotted the wide-open field, which was segmented by narrow dirt roads. The sprinkler system whooshed over one section of lawn on the west side. Through the open window of his vehicle, Sean caught the earthy scent of freshly mowed grass.
He parked on the east side, beneath a thick stand of aspens that edged the lane. Reaching across the seat for the bouquet of lilies he’d picked up at the florist shop, he opened the door and got out. Stepping past the sheltering trees, he looked up and stopped dead. His heart thudded and he felt a moment of panic blaze through him.
Tessa was there. Wearing a flower-print dress and strappy high heels, she knelt before Zach’s grave, her head bowed low. She gazed at her brother’s headstone, one hand pressed against her lips. As though she was speaking privately to her brother, or crying.
Maybe both.
It was Sunday and Sean figured Tessa had been to church. In the past he would have accompanied her. Wearing his best dress suit, a white Oxford shirt and tie. Delighting in the feel of her hand resting on his arm as they sat in the chapel and worshipped God. He’d never been much of a praying man, but that had changed when he met Tessa. After they’d started dating, he’d developed a fledgling faith. His love for Tessa and his belief in God had made him want to be a better man.
Bu
t Sean couldn’t bring himself to go to church anymore. Not with all the black, ugly feelings coursing through his heart and mind. He figured he’d be struck by lightning if he entered the Lord’s house. He didn’t feel worthy anymore. And frankly, it’d been a year since he’d prayed. He just couldn’t talk to God after what had happened.
Now Sean didn’t want to intrude on Tessa’s private time. He took a step back the way he’d come, planning to get in his truck and leave. But she glanced up and saw him there.
Sean froze.
Her mouth dropped open in surprise. She brushed her hands across her eyes. Now that she’d seen him, it’d be rude to flee. He’d never been a coward before, but now he was. He didn’t know how to comfort her loss.
Pinning him with her gaze, she stood and dusted leaves and twigs off her bare knees. She wore her long, golden-brown hair in a mass of soft curls around her shoulders, warm and inviting. Her dangly earrings glittered in the bright sunlight. If he hadn’t seen her fight wildfire, he would have thought she was a complete girly-girl. And that was just one more thing he liked about this woman. She was an enigma. Two contrasting pieces of a very complex puzzle. Strong and gutsy, yet completely feminine and vulnerable.
Pushing a stray curl back from her cheek, she didn’t wave. She just stood there, a slight frown pulling at her brow.
Taking a deep breath to settle his nerves, he walked to her. As he got closer, his heart beat madly in his chest.
“What are you doing here?” she asked. Her mascara was smudged just enough to give her an alluring smoky-eye look.
“I came to visit Zach.” The green tissue paper around the lilies crackled as he tightened his fingers over the long stems.
Her gaze lowered to the delicate flower petals and her eyes widened. “You brought him flowers?”
Her voice cracked and so did his heart. He nodded, his throat tight with tender words he longed to say to her. A feeling of compassion welled up inside him, but he couldn’t comfort her. Not without misleading her into thinking he wanted to get back together.