by AC Netzel
“I don’t know.” Allie looks as lost as I am.
“Before I left, I said some terrible things to him.”
“You were upset. People say things they don’t mean when they’re in hurt.”
“I wanted to hurt him. What I said was cruel. I knew it when I said it and I didn’t care. It was beneath me. The last thing I want is for him to have more pain. He’s in enough.” I scrub my hands over my face then turn to Allie. “Why did he have to fuck this up? I would have done anything for him. I’d take whatever he could give.”
“I wish I knew what to say. I just don’t know.”
“It never occurred to me that we would ever be apart. I can't picture my life without him. It’s unfathomable to me. He’s the love of my life. I don't understand how we could love each other and not be together. When he said he loved me... I thought it meant forever.”
“You got over Mikehole. One day you’ll get over him.”
“Yeah, when forever ends. Remember when you asked me how I knew it was love? I have a new answer... because you'll never feel pain like the pain you do when that love is ripped away.”
She takes my hair in her hands and braids it while I continue to bare my soul. I know it’s her way of comforting me.
“We were perfect. And then, just like that…” I snap my fingers. “We weren’t anymore. I would have waited out this dark period. But he didn’t give me a chance.”
I take the last sip of the lemonade then inhale a deep breath and continue to rattle on.
“It all used to come so naturally for us… but the deadlines, the travel, his father, the lawyers, and his grandmother’s death. It was more than he could handle. He hid the pressures well. I knew they were there, but he always seemed to be in control. I guess, looking back, maintaining a healthy relationship under all that stress was just too much. It was the perfect storm. And we didn’t survive it. He’s burying all the good. He only wants the bad.”
“Seems like he built walls. I’m just wondering if he built them for himself... or he built them to protect you,” she says.
“Protect me from what?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know… he didn’t want you to hurt like he was.”
“Are you defending him?”
“No. I’m trying to make sense of the non-sensible.”
“Yeah, well, good luck with that,” I snicker.
“Walls can be torn down, even you know that,” she says.
“I don’t know if I have the strength anymore. Loving him is powerful. Sometimes I love feeling that power, and other times I wish it didn’t exist.” I yawn. My head is feeling fuzzy, and my eyes are starting to droop.
“Perverted lemonade hitting you?”
I nod and yawn again. “MmmHmm. The lemonade and crying for the past two hours. Exhausting.”
“Why don’t you sleep it off for a while? Lie down.”
I’m so drained and buzzed; I do as she says. She grabs a throw blanket from the corner of the couch and spreads it over me.
“A little rest will do you good,” she says softly, then smiles slyly. “I bet his dick isn’t as pretty as you claim, anyway. There are prettier ones out there to find,” she jokes, trying to lighten my mood.
I sigh. “No, it is. There isn’t any part of him that isn’t pretty.”
“How about his brain?” She smirks, lifting a brow.
“Does pretty stupid count?”
“Sure.”
“Then yes,” I say unhappily. “He’s one hundred percent pretty.”
“Sleep now.” She kisses the top of my forehead.
I turn on my side and look at her. “Am I going to be okay?” I whisper.
She nods. “Yes. I promise. We’ll get through this.”
“It feels like I’m broken.”
“You’re not broken, maybe just temporarily out of order. Remember what we’ve always said; no man will ever break us,” she tells me.
I sigh and shake my head. “I think he’s the only man who can. I don’t want to let him go. I already miss him.”
She sweeps a few strands of hair off my face and smiles wistfully. “I know you do.”
“Thank you for finding me. I can always count on you.”
She sits on the floor, resting her elbow on the edge of the couch and her chin in her fist.
“You know when I knew we'd always be friends,” she whispers. “Fourth grade. I was the new girl in school and wasn’t particularly interested in making friends. The mean girls were giving me grief during recess. They didn’t like the way I dressed. Mrs. Shithead, the lunch aide, pretended she didn’t see them ganging up on me. You saw what was going on and stormed over to the head bitch, Stacey Fuckface, and told them to leave me alone. You threatened to get your sisters to beat the crap out of them. When they left, you told me you liked my outfit. You barely knew me, but you had my back. That was the moment I decided to devote my life to having your back too.” She smiles warmly.
“I have two soul mates. Ben… and you.” I close my eyes and tears roll down my face.
“You’re mine too,” she whispers, grabbing the hem of her shirt and wiping away my tears.
“I love you, Allison Lewis. You’ll always be my best friend,” I mumble, pulling the blanket over my shoulder. I turn around and face the back of the couch.
“I love you too, best friend. Sweet dreams.”
~o0o~
I blink a few times and stare out into an unfamiliar room. That’s right, I’m at Vince’s. God, I feel like a Mack truck hit me. Perverted lemonade was a bad idea.
I swing my legs around and sit up on the couch. The fact that I’m here tells me it wasn’t a nightmare. It happened… every minute of hell happened.
Allie strolls into the living room. “Good morning or should I say good evening?”
I crinkle my forehead and look at the window. It’s dark and pouring rain outside. “What time is it?” I ask, confused.
“Almost nine.”
“What?” I exclaim.
“You’ve been asleep for a few hours. I figured you needed it, so I left you alone.”
“A few? I slept through the entire afternoon and part of the night.”
“Technically, yes, that’s true. Hungry?”
“Not really. That’s two things that vanished today: the love of my life and my appetite. Two things I never thought I’d lose. Is Vince home?”
“No. I asked him to stay away.”
“This is his apartment.”
“I don’t care. Besides, he gets it. It’s fine. He’s off with Pierce somewhere.” She sits down next to me on the couch. “While you were passed out, I went online and did a little research.”
“What kind of research?”
“My first search was on undetectable poisoning.”
I narrow my eyes and scowl.
“After, I went on a bunch of advice sites, forums, and blogs for the relationship challenged. I even checked out Dr. Love Man and the infinite wisdom of Oprah.”
I roll my eyes. “And what did you learn from your research? Did Oprah or Dr. Love Man impart any wisdom to you?”
“There’s one thing I’m certain of… He’s not lying when he said he loves you.”
I frown. “Yes, dumping me was a fabulous demonstration of that love,” I say, sarcastically.
“Don't you see what he did? This is his fucked-up version of unconditional love. He isn't in a good place, and he let you go because he didn't want to drag you down with him. It’s kind of romantic… in a distorted asshole sort of way.”
“Please don’t confuse me any more than I already am.” I shake my head and frown.
“I want you happy. Ben makes you happy. Well, not happy now… but usually. Maybe there’s a chance.”
I hold up my hand. “Pierce said that’s making excuses for the inexcusable.”
“Pierce has a thing for you. He’s wanted to go out with you for a long time. He’s not exactly the most unbiased person to get Ben advice from.”
“Maybe. But it doesn’t mean he’s wrong. I told you, I’m not going to torture myself anymore staring at the back of my bedroom door, waiting for Ben to change his mind. I can’t.”
“I know.”
“The fact is: Ben is broken, and I can’t fix him. He won’t let me. Maybe he tried to be someone he's not for me. I know he tried. In the end, we just weren’t meant to be. I’ll spend the rest of my life in love with him. And that’s so sad.” Tears roll down my cheek when I realize just how true my words are.
“Can I get you something? Dinner? Anything?”
I shake my head. “No, thanks. I’ve already overstayed my welcome.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she scoffs.
“I’m going to go back to our apartment. I can’t avoid it forever.”
“I’ll come. Just give me a minute to get my things.”
“Can I ask a favor? Can you stay here at Vince’s? If you don’t mind… I need a night alone.”
Tears well up in Allie’s eyes and her bottom lip quivers.
“I’ll be okay,” I say as the tears roll down my cheeks. “Please don’t worry about me. I just need a night to remember how to breathe without reminding myself to do it… to figure out how to move forward… and to ugly cry.”
She nods, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
“I hate him,” she whispers, choking back her emotions while wrapping her arms around me.
“I know,” I whisper back.
“I love you, Jules.”
“I know that too. So it’s okay?”
“Sure. I’ll be busy anyway… buying a gun and a silencer.”
“That’s not funny, Allie.”
She tilts her head side to side. “It’s a little funny.”
I manage a small smile. “Maybe a little. No shopping. And no shooting. Understand?”
“We can make it look like an accident.”
I shake my head. “No. I think Ben is living in his own hell. That’s his punishment.”
“You’re too good for him.”
“Maybe, but that’s not going to stop me from loving him.”
“Promise me you’ll take a cab. It’s pouring outside. Do you have enough money?”
“Yes.”
She hugs me tight, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Fucking tears.”
Hugging her back, I wipe my own tears. I don’t know if I’m crying because I lost Ben, or I have this friend who loves me so much she feels my pain.
She leans back, looking directly into my eyes, and smiles at me. “You’re going to be okay. Okay?”
I nod. “Okay,” I say softly.
~o0o~
I walk out of Vince’s building into the cold, torrential rain. Waving my arm wildly in the air, I try to get a taxi’s attention. The sky is black; the rain is relentless and hard.
“Taxi,” I yell, still flailing my arm. At least I don’t have to worry about this rain washing off my makeup. If there was any left over from last night, with all the crying I’ve done today, it’s long gone.
The rain is pelting me to the point where it stings. This is no gentle summer rainstorm. It’s vicious and angry… much like I feel. Sheets of water pour down on me, soaking me to the bone, sending a cold shiver through my body.
I’m about to break into tears for the hundredth time today when a cab stops. I grab the door handle and slide into the taxi.
“Leroy Street, please. West Village.”
The cab driver nods and zips off. I catch a glimpse of myself in his rearview mirror. I look like a drowned cat, my black hair stringy and wet, sticking to my face. My face pale, my eyes puffy and red from crying.
Attractive.
I wipe away the condensation formed on the inside of the backseat window with my hand as the taxi speeds through the storm. My fingers follow the water droplets falling in random patterns down the outside of the window.
The city lights are blurred together through the wet windowpane, the same way the boardwalk appears when I squint my eyes at it. I loved that; it looked like Christmas... but now that I’ve lost Ben, I lost everything I shared with him.
We quickly make it to The Village and my street.
“Over there, near that brownstone.” I direct the driver and he pulls to the side of the road.
I look up at my building, taking in a deep breath, readying myself for the deluge of memories sure to hit me. Just looking at the front door of the building is enough to make my chin quiver, the place we shared our first kiss. The wind whips up into a frenzy making the trees that line my street sway violently.
I pay the driver. “Thanks. Be careful out there tonight.” Pulling the door handle, I ready myself to face the next phase of my life.
I twist slightly to close the door. I’m not concerned about the rain; I’m already soaked from head to toe. You can’t get any wetter than drenched. I turn around to walk into my building when I see a shadowy figure, sitting in the rain on the sidewalk near the side of my building.
Great, now I’m going to get mugged. Quickly, I rummage through my bag looking for my key, keeping one eye on the man who’s going to murder me. My stomach sinks as I realize who it is. I feel it, the unexplainable charge I always feel when he’s near. I furrow my brow and take my hand out of my bag.
I walk over to him. He’s drenched in rainwater, sitting alone on the cold concrete, his elbows resting on his bended knees, looking down at the ground, his head resting in his hands.
His head tilts slightly, probably by the sudden appearance of my shoes in his vision then he looks up at me. My heart breaks all over again just seeing him in front of me.
Ben is drenched to the core, his hair sticking to his face and sticking up in the air. He looks lost and so, so sad. And utterly beautiful.
“Ask me again,” he says.
I cock my head and frown.
“What I see when I look at you. Ask me again.”
I exhale a long breath as the rain pelts us.
“What do you see when you look at me?”
“My future.”
Chapter 21
I stare down at Ben… haunted and vulnerable, and exhale a shaky breath. I see the sincerity in his eyes. I hear the pain in his voice.
And I do the only thing I can think of.
I crouch down to the wet concrete and sit next to him, the cold rain pelting us unapologetically. We say nothing, just sit there quietly listening to the rain’s rhythm tapping onto leaves, rushing out of gutters, and splashing when a car drives through a puddle.
He reaches his hand over, lacing his fingers in mine. I lean my head on his shoulder.
“Please don’t give up on me,” he says softly.
He leans his head against mine. I close my eyes as we sit silently holding hands, listening to the rain falling down on us.
Chapter 22
After sitting silently in the rain for I don’t know how long, I feel Ben shiver.
“Let’s go inside,” I say, unlacing my fingers from his.
He nods and stands, holding out his hand to me. I place my hand in his and he pulls me off the sidewalk. I grab my key and we enter the building, our clothes leaving a trail of rainwater on the tile floor.
We enter the elevator and stand at either side. I feel the pull, that powerful magnetic force between us. Ben is watching me. Our eyes meet briefly then I look down. It’s too hard to look at him and not touch him. After a wet, silent elevator ride to the third floor we enter my apartment and stand on the doormat inside.
“Allie isn’t coming home tonight. Just wait here so we don’t trail water all over the place. I’ll get you a towel,” I tell him.
I peel off my wet clothes and walk toward the hall closet to the stacked washer and dryer. Throwing my sopping clothes in the washing machine, I wrap a dry towel around me, grabbing two for Ben. I drop my saturated handbag on the closet floor.
That’s probably ruined.
I walk back to find him with a pile of wet clothes on the doorm
at. Ben’s in just his boxer briefs… wet and clinging like a second skin to every delicious inch of his… I blink a few times and refocus my drifting thoughts… clinging to him. Yes, that’s it—clinging to him.
“Here.” I hand him a towel, purposely looking away from the outline of his… I shake my head and clear my thoughts again. I’m not about to allow my traitorous body’s response to his near-nakedness overrule self-preservation. I frown at myself and put back on my armor.
“Thanks,” he says as he rolls off what little modesty he was wearing. I lick my lips and watch him while he’s looking down, towel drying his legs.
He wraps the towel snugly around his waist. I hand the other towel to him and he dries his hair and chest.
“I’ll take your wet clothes and throw them in the washing machine. The spin cycle should get most of the water out before I put them in the dryer.” I gather up the clothes on the floor and walk to the hall closet.
I take the pile of dripping wet clothes and toss them in the washing machine with mine and set the spin cycle to start. Wrapping a new dry towel around me, I walk back into the living room.
“Are you warm enough?” I grab a blanket and wrap it around his shoulders.
He nods. “I’m fine.”
“How long were you out there?”
“Since you left my apartment.”
“That was almost twelve hours ago.”
“I know.”
“You’ve been sitting here for twelve hours?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Why?” he asks, surprised. “The second you walked in the elevator, I threw on some clothes and ran after you. I was only a few minutes behind you. I didn’t think you’d get that far ahead. I tried to find you. I looked everywhere I could think of. I tried calling you, texting you. You ignored my calls. You ignored my texts. I don’t have Allie’s number. Marcello didn’t pick up. I was desperate to find you. I came here, harassed a few of your neighbors. No one saw you. Where were you?”