by Lisa Ireland
Mitch nodded. ‘Yeah, I guessed that much.’
‘We met in Italy, when I was living with my Zia Lucia and her family. Originally I went to Italy on a study tour. I used to work as a travel consultant. When I was twenty-one there was a tour of Italy and my boss decided I should go, but Dad didn’t want me to go.’
‘Why not?’
‘At the time he said it was because of my little brother. You remember I told you how Joe and I took on a lot of the responsibility for raising Luca after Mum died? Well, at the time of the study tour Luca was in primary school and I took him to school each day. After school he would come to agency and hang out for bit until either it was time to go home or Joe could pick him up. Joe started early so he usually finished about four. Dad didn’t want Luca walking home to an empty house, so he forbid me to go.’
‘How old was Luca?’
‘That’s the thing. He was eleven. Only a tiny bit younger than I was when Mum died. And he was good kid, responsible, y’know? He was perfectly capable of walking home by himself and waiting the half-hour for Joe to get home. But Dad wouldn’t hear of it. Of course it was years later that I realised that the reason Dad didn’t want me to go had nothing to do with Luca. He was afraid if I went overseas I would never come back, that he’d lose me.’
‘So you went without his approval?’
‘Uh huh. First time I’d ever gone against his wishes, but I knew it was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. Once he realised he couldn’t stop me he contacted Zia Lucia, Mum’s sister, so she could meet up with me. He wanted her to keep an eye on me. I loved meeting my aunt. She looks so much like my mum and I realised there was a whole side to me that I had no idea about. I wanted to stay in Italy and explore my cultural heritage. I guess in a way it made me feel closer to Mum.’
‘How did your dad take that?’
‘He wasn’t happy but Zia convinced him that it would be good for me to spend some time with her. My boss agreed to give me leave without pay and so I stayed on. I had a fantastic time and I loved getting to know my Italian side of the family. Of course I missed my family, especially Luca, but being away from them made me realise how restricted my life was back home. I was twenty-one and living the life of a middle-aged woman. I knew I didn’t want to go back to that life, but I just couldn’t see how I could tell Dad I wasn’t coming home. I knew it would break his heart and he’d suffered so much already.’ She could see the pity in Mitch’s eyes. ‘Hey, you don’t have to feel sorry for me. Yes, I lost my mum, and that was heartbreaking, but I had a good childhood. I was loved and needed. There are far worse things.’
Mitch nodded. ‘I guess, but you did have a lot of responsibility from a young age.’
Bea shrugged. ‘That couldn’t be helped. But at twenty-one I’d had enough and I figured Luca was big enough for Dad to look after without my help. I just didn’t know how to get out of going back home without causing a major family rift. Luca had already lost his mum. I didn’t want him to lose his sister too.’
‘What did you decide to do?’
‘I didn’t really decide anything. Well, that’s what I told myself. I met Jason and fell in love. He gave me the perfect way out of my situation. I told myself it was fate.’ Heat burned her cheeks as she continued. ‘Looking back on it all now, it seems so clear cut. I needed Jason and that’s why I married him, but back then I truly believed I was in love.’
Mitch nodded, encouraging her to go on.
‘We met in Italy, at a party I went to with my cousin. He was the only other native English speaker in the room and with us both being Australian we naturally gravitated towards one another. It was love at first sight, or so I thought. We had a whirlwind romance. Jason was older than me—thirty when we met—and keen to settle down and have a family, so it wasn’t a total surprise when he whisked me away to Paris for the weekend to propose. We’d only been dating for a couple of months.’
‘Wow.’
‘Yeah I know it sounds crazy, but at the time I was thrilled. I was in love and it meant I had a legitimate reason to leave home. One Dad couldn’t argue with.’
‘How did your dad take it?’
‘Not too badly. I think he was sad that I would be moving out, and he was a bit worried I was too young, but he came around once he met Jason. Jason was great at charming people and Dad was no exception. He gave us his blessing. I guess he thought Jason would look after me. And he was grateful that I was marrying an Australian and that we planned to live in Melbourne, not in Milan.’
Mitch nodded. ‘I guess it was a relief that you weren’t going to stay overseas forever. I think my parents were worried about that when I first brought Lucy home. I don’t know if you’ve heard much about my former fiancée?’
It was the first time Mitch had voluntarily offered up any information about his past relationship. Bea knew she needed to tread carefully if she didn’t want him to clam up. ‘Not much. Just that she was English and that she went back home.’
‘Yeah, well that’s pretty much all there is to know. Mum and Dad tried their best to welcome her into the family, but there was always tension between them. Lucy never really fitted in. I think part of it was because Mum was so worried that she’d take off back to England and that I’d go with her.’
‘But you didn’t go?’
Mitch shook his head sadly. ‘There was no point. She didn’t want me.’
‘I know what that’s like,’ Bea said softly.
Mitch shifted uncomfortably on the other end of the couch. ‘How long did it last?’ he asked, shifting the focus back onto her.
‘Almost ten years. And most of them were good. Well, at least I thought they were. In hindsight maybe I was wrong about that.’
‘So what happened?’
Bea let out a heavy sigh. ‘At first everything was wonderful. Jason worked hard—he’s in advertising. I left my job at the travel agency because it was too far away from where we lived and Jason wasn’t keen on me working every day anyway. He wanted me to be available to attend corporate events with him and to be able to travel with him at short notice. He helped me start my own little agency that I could run from home, working my own hours, but it was tiny. I couldn’t take on too many clients because of the travel Jason and I did. Most of my time was spent playing the perfect corporate wife.’
Mitch raised an eyebrow.
‘Yeah, I know. It seems incredibly naïve, but I felt so lucky. I had a husband who wanted me by his side all the time. He didn’t quibble about the time I spent with my family, as long as I was always available to him when he needed me. He spoiled me with extravagant gifts. I felt like a princess. It wasn’t until he decided we needed a baby that things began to turn sour.’
‘He decided? You didn’t want one?’
She shrugged. ‘It wasn’t that I didn’t want kids. I was only twenty-five. I wasn’t ready for my life to change yet. I’d spent my youth bringing up Luca and I was enjoying not having that responsibility. I tried to talk Jason into waiting a couple more years, but he didn’t like that idea. He was already in his mid-thirties. He didn’t want to be an old father. He became more and more insistent.’
Mitch’s eyes widened. ‘He forced you?’ Bea could hear the anger in his voice.
‘No, no, nothing like that. He just wouldn’t let up about it and in the end I gave in, because I wanted him to be happy. We started trying but nothing happened. Jason became frustrated. He seemed to think I was deliberately avoiding getting pregnant. He insisted we seek fertility advice.’ She paused to take another sip of wine. Once Mitch knew this next bit, there would be no going back. He would never see her the same way again. ‘I had to have a full medical as part of my work-up and after discussing my family history my doctor referred me for genetic testing.’
He creased his brow in confusion. ‘Is that usual? I mean I don’t know much about this kind of stuff but that sounds pretty full on.’
‘It was because my mum and my nonna both died of breast cancer. I
didn’t have to get tested. The result wouldn’t affect my fertility, but my doctor thought I might like to know if I was carrying the gene.’
‘For breast cancer?’
Bea nodded. ‘Not just breast cancer. If it turned out I was carrying the gene then I’d have an increased risk of ovarian cancer too.’
‘That must have been a hard decision to make.’
‘Not really. I’m the sort of person who likes to know the facts. I figured if the test came back negative, great. If not, then I’d know what I was dealing with. Unfortunately, Jason didn’t agree.’
‘He didn’t want you to have the test?’ Mitch’s tone was incredulous.
Bea shook her head. ‘He figured we were better off not knowing. He thought it was best not to meddle with fate. I remember him saying, “None of us knows the future, I could get hit by a car tomorrow”.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I went ahead and got tested. It was the first time in our marriage I’d gone against Jason’s wishes. I kept it from him and if the results had been negative I probably would never have let on. Maybe we’d be the proud parents of a couple of kids by now, and I wouldn’t be sitting here pouring my heart out to you.’
‘So it was positive?’ His eyes were filled with concern.
Bea closed her eyes and nodded, reliving the moment her life had changed forever. ‘Yep. I tested positive for the BRCA1 gene and almost immediately I knew what I had to do. I knew I couldn’t live with the time bomb ticking away inside of me. I decided I wanted to have immediate surgery to remove my ovaries and my breasts.’
She looked at Mitch waiting for the shock, the distaste to settle on his face, but all she saw in his eyes was sympathy.
‘Jason didn’t agree. He thought we should try for a baby first, using IVF if we needed it and then I could have the operation. My specialist suggested freezing some eggs for future use, which I was open to, but Jason seemed determined for me not to have the surgery. In fact, he told me I was being hysterical for even considering the mastectomy. As far as he was concerned I could just have frequent mammograms and hope for the best.’
‘So you left him?’
She shook her head. ‘No. I was shaken by Jason’s opposition, but I loved him and I figured he reacted the way he did out of fear. I really thought we could make it work. But I wasn’t prepared to compromise on my decision. I know it seems selfish but I had to put my health first.’
‘That’s not selfish at all,’ Mitch said, shaking his head. Rosie lifted her head, looking to see what had riled her master, but seeing no apparent danger she yawned and settled back on the couch once more.
Bea stroked Rosie’s ears as she continued. ‘I think my biggest fear was bringing a child into the world that I wouldn’t be around to see grow up. I didn’t want any child of mine going through what’d I’d been through. But Jason didn’t seem to see that as a problem. His thoughts were that you never know what life will bring and you can’t protect your child from everything. My thoughts were that I wanted to have the best odds possible of seeing my child grow up.’
‘I reckon that’s a perfectly reasonable position. I’m sure I’d feel the same way. And surely the doctors backed you up?’
Bea shrugged. ‘I was so young, the doctors thought it would be fine to wait until I’d had a family. My risk of anything developing when I was still so young was low statistically, but I was uncomfortable with waiting. I just wanted to get the whole thing over and done with so I could get on with my life.’
‘So what did you decide to do?’
‘I waited a few months, all the time continuing to try to fall pregnant but I found myself growing increasingly anxious. In end I decided I couldn’t live with the threat of cancer hanging over me. It was ruining my life. We went through the process of harvesting my eggs and then I booked myself in for surgery. Jason said he would support whatever decision I made, but I knew he wasn’t happy.’
‘That must have been very hard for you.’
Bea swallowed down the lump forming in her throat at the memory of those lonely days. ‘It was. I hadn’t told anyone in my family what was going on because I didn’t want to upset them. Luckily I had my friend Emma for support or I don’t know what I would have done.’
‘Jason didn’t step up to the plate?’
She shook her head. ‘God no. Unfortunately, things went from bad to worse. I decided to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed first, as ovarian cancer is hard to treat. I wanted to lower the risk of developing it.’
‘Of course.’
‘But during the surgery they discovered I already had cancer. It was tiny but it was there.’
‘Fuck.’
Bea grinned. It was the first time she’d heard him swear like that.
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘It must have been a hell of a shock, though. Thank God you decided to have the operation.’
‘I know.’ Bea reached back over her shoulder and touched the place below her neck where she knew her rose tattoo sat. ‘I think it was Mama watching over me, pushing me to insist on the surgery no matter what anyone else thought.’
Mitch retrieved the wine bottle from the coffee table and filled both their glasses. She noticed he took a sizeable swig before placing it back on the table.
Bea took another sip too. Her head was getting quite fuzzy but the alcohol dulled the pain of reliving this awful chapter in her life. ‘The discovery of the tumour changed things. My surgical oncologist recommended a hysterectomy and I agreed. Jason was devastated. There was no longer any hope that I could carry a child, even with the assistance of IVF. His dream of becoming a father was over.’
‘And your dream of becoming a mother too.’
‘You know what? Strangely enough that never really worried me. I just wanted the chance to live. If that meant never having kids then so be it. I know lots of young women are heartbroken when they realise they won’t be able to have a child, but for me I was just grateful to have the chance to live. That’s not to say I haven’t had my moments of grief over it all, but when I was first diagnosed that was the least of my worries.’
Mitch stood up and went over to the fireplace and stood with his back to her. He poked around for a bit, stoking it and rearranging the burning logs before finally deciding to throw another one on. Bea wondered if she’d disclosed too much. She hadn’t meant to go into every little detail of her marriage but once she’d got going it was hard to stop. She didn’t want Mitch feeling sorry for her. There was no need for that. Her cancer and Jason’s subsequent reaction had made her strong. She knew now that she could survive whatever life threw at her.
Finally, he turned and looked right at her. ‘You’re amazing you know that? I’m sure a lot of people would have sunk into the depths of depression, but you just got on with it.’
The intensity of his gaze and the sincerity with which he spoke had Bea quivering with emotion. This man had shown more care for her in the past few hours than her own husband had throughout the whole ordeal. She dropped her gaze in the hope that Mitch wouldn’t see the grateful tears welling in her eyes. ‘Thanks. But really, I didn’t do anything special. There were plenty of times I broke down and felt like I couldn’t go on, but in the end there isn’t really any choice. You just have to get on with it. Deal with one day at a time.’
‘So what happened between you and your husband? Please tell me he didn’t leave you to deal with all that on your own?’
‘You know what? I wish he had. In some ways that would have been kinder. I guess he felt like it wasn’t socially acceptable to leave your wife when she had cancer, so he stayed. But he was angry.’
‘At you?’ Mitch’s voice shook with anger.
Bea shrugged. ‘Not exactly. I think he was angry at the way things had turned out. That his life wasn’t turning out the way he expected. Look, I don’t want to dwell on this bit, Mitch. It’s painful. But I want you to know what happened, so I’m just going to spit it out. Our marriage fell apart. He n
ever touched me after the cancer surgery. He became quite distant and spent a lot of time at work. He stayed with me until after I’d had the mastectomy but he was repulsed by me once it was done. He couldn’t even look at me. In the end I decided I’d be happier without him. So I was the one to leave. I moved in with my friend Emma for a while and started to get my life sorted out. That was when I discovered the truth. Jason had been having an affair for months, maybe longer, and even worse than that, he’d siphoned all our accounts. The only money I had was what I’d saved from my little travel agency business. Thankfully I had that set aside in a personal account.’
‘What about your house? You’d be entitled to half of that, surely?’
She shook her head. ‘It was rented. Jason was one of those types who believed in freeing up his money for investments. Some of our money was tied up in his family business and a lot was invested in the stock market, but unbeknown to me he’d been cashing stocks in. By the time we split there was barely anything left. Funnily enough his new girlfriend recently bought a property in Brighton and they’re living there together. I figure that’s where the money’s gone.’
‘But the tax bill? You must have been earning money to owe that much tax?’
‘I don’t know. I vaguely remember the accountant talking about income splitting to minimise the amount of tax we paid. Obviously a lot of his income has been allocated to me.’
‘Have you been to a lawyer?’
‘Yeah. In the beginning I was determined to fight him, to get what I was entitled to, but lawyers cost money. In the end I decided I needed to let go and move on. And that was working out pretty well until I got the tax bill in the mail today.’