The Confession

by Jeanette Muscella

  “Oh God Adam, I remember what happened. I had the dream again and this time, I saw…him…what he did to me…he hurt me….he hurt me. It burned, and I wanted him to stop. I tried to make him stop, but he would not stop.”

  “I know this hurts honey because it feels like it just happened to you. What can I do to help you?”

  Still panting, she said, “I want to see Gail. Take me to see Gail.”

  “Honey, take a deep breath and try to calm your nerves. You don’t want Gail to see you upset.” Helping her to stand, Adam walked her into the bathroom. He reached over to turn on the shower. “Take a hot shower. It will help you to relax.”

  As if in a trance, Lydia dropped her robe to the floor and stepped into the shower. She slid the door closed, and as Adam was leaving the room, she burst into tears. Adam turned around, removed his clothing, and stepped into the shower. Lydia was leaning against the wall, her hands covering her face. Adam opened his arms, and she welcomed the comfort of his strong arms. “Let it out honey. Let go of the pain. I will help you. I swear it. Let me be your strength.”

  “Hold me, Adam. Tell me you still love me.”

  Adam cradled her in his arms. The gentle rocking back and forth calmed her. “Listen to me Lydia. You are the heart that beats within me. I have loved you from the moment I first saw you. Nothing and no one will ever change my love for you. If you want to move to get away from him, just say the word, and I will put the house up for sale.”

  “I can’t run from this for the remainder of my life Adam. I have to face what happened to me. I have to be strong for our daughter because she will have to live with the fact that you are not her biological father. She will have to live with the fact that her uncle raped me. I must focus on Gail. My pain is old, hers is new, and she needs us.”

  Adam smiled as he held her. “That’s what I want to hear. For as much as I want to have John suffer, what good would it do now? I don’t want that vileness to seep into our home. Let’s focus on Gail.” He reached over to the shower rack and filled his hands with soap. “I seem to recall you enjoyed it when I ran my soapy hands all over your body. Close your eyes honey, and just feel me.”

  Lydia placed her palms against the shower wall and closed her eyes. Adam gently and expertly ran his soapy hands over every inch of her body. As he did so, he felt her relax. “That’s it honey, loosen those tense muscles.”

  “I love you, Adam.”

  “I love you, Lydia, with every fiber of my being.”

  Bobby paced the confines of his house for what felt like hours. His mother finally stopped crying, and the house was eerily quiet. He resisted the urge to run upstairs and check on his parents. It killed him keeping this secret. His father trusted him, and it constricted his heart.

  Finally, he heard his parents talking as they came into the kitchen. Bobby set the table and had lunch ready in the refrigerator. “Hey you two, sit down and I’ll get everything ready. Mom, do you want iced tea or soda?”

  Lydia took a minute to absorb the fact her son made lunch. “Um, soda would be good. Thanks honey for making these sandwiches.”

  Adam looked at Bobby and smiled. A silent acknowledgment passed between them. “While you’re at it, I’d like one too. We need to have a little celebration. Our son has finally learned how to feed himself. Can we expect more meals, or is this a one-off?”

  Their carefree laughter lightened the mood. “Hey Dad, don’t expect me to grab the pots and pans. I only know how to make sandwiches.”

  “I’ll take whatever I can get Bobby. The fact that you made lunch is a beginning. You know, once you move into Gail’s apartment, you will have to feed yourself from time to time.”

  “I thought this kitchen would be a take-out set up. Do I really have to cook for myself? Maybe I should stay in the house, and let Gail keep the apartment.”

  Lydia suddenly felt the need to have her son near her. “I would like it if you stayed in the house. I’m not ready for you to grow up. Also, Gail will need us when she comes home from the hospital.”

  “Whatever you need Mom. I’ll be happy to help in whatever way I can.”

  Adam reached across the table and held his son’s hand. “Thank you, Bobby. Your mother and I will need your help.”

  A gentle squeeze of the hand by Bobby was an acknowledgment of his willingness to help. “Whatever you need Dad, you only need to ask. I missed Gail. When is she coming home?”

  “Your mother and I are going to the hospital as soon as we eat this fabulous lunch. I’ll let you know when she is coming home later today.”

  “Tell the squirt I love her, and I plan on torturing her with B-rated horror movies. I already have them in my Net Flix queue. She can expect hours and hours of screaming and drooling.”

  “I am sure your sister will love spending time with you. She will be off her feet for a few months, and knowing her, she will be climbing the walls with boredom. Anything you can do to keep her occupied would be helpful. You know how she hates being confined.”

  “Boy do I know. She ran me ragged when we were kids. I couldn’t keep up with her.”

  “Take her mind off it as much as you can. Therapy will be difficult and painful. She needs our support.”

  Bobby looked sad, and that squeezed Adam’s heart. He still blamed himself for the accident. “Don’t do that Bobby. Don’t let your sister see that look on your face. I have told you already this was an accident. You are not to blame for what happened. Imagine if your sister hadn’t pushed you out of the way. Imagine how your mother and I would feel if both of our precious children were in the hospital. You are not at fault son. Your grandfather told me the car left the scene, and he was unable to see the license plate. Did you see anything?”

  “No, Dad. I was still on the ground when the car took off. I hope the bastard rots in hell.”

  Adam agreed with his son.

  Gail was awake and watching television when Adam and Lydia walked into her room. Her face lit up when they sat next to her on the bed. Adam reached out to hold her hand. “How is my munchkin feeling today? How’s the pain in your leg?”

  “It doesn’t hurt too much as long as they keep pumping whatever it is into this IV. Did Dr. David say when I can go home?”

  “Why don’t I leave you alone with mommy for a few minutes and I’ll ask him.” Adam reached over to the foot of the bed and grabbed her patient chart. He quickly scanned her vitals, which all looked good. Her cognitive responses were normal, and there were no signs of a severe concussion. “Well, from what I can see, all of your vitals look normal, which I find hard to believe because we all know you are far from normal.”

  Gail laughed as she held a pillow against her chest. “Don’t make me laugh Daddy, you know my ribs hurt!”

  Adam patted her good leg. “Sorry sweetheart, I couldn’t help myself. Sit tight, and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  As soon as Adam left the room, Gail sagged against the pillow. Her eyes grew moist with tears. “It hurts Mom, knowing he is not my real father. How am I supposed to live with the truth that I was an accident? Why did Uncle John do this to you? I hate him!”

  Taken aback by her questions, Lydia swore to herself that she would put the past behind her, and focus on the health and happiness of her daughter. “I have been asking myself that same question for the past few days. For me, this just happened. The drug took away the memory. On some level, I have been trying to remember. Nightmares plagued me for years, and it was always the same dream. It wasn’t until I knew the truth that the dream became apparent.”

  When Adam was unable to speak to David because he was in a meeting, he returned to his daughter’s room and stood by the door, giving Lydia time alone to talk with Gail. Her words stabbed his heart.

  “I don’t know why he did this to me. We were friends for a long time before I married Daddy. You heard what he said yesterday, however; his explanation does nothing to resolve the anger I feel towards him. He took something precious from me, Gail. I
looked forward to our first night as husband and wife. It meant something to me knowing that Adam would be the only man to touch my body.”

  Lydia took hold of Gail’s hand. “I want you to look at me honey, and I want you to remember what I am about to say. Will you do this for me, Gail?”

  “Yes, Mom, I will.”

  “I remember the look on your father’s face when the doctor placed you in his arms for the very first time. You were so tiny and fragile. Adam was afraid to hold you and tried to give you back to the doctor.” Lydia laughed at the memory. “Every night he sat in your nursery and watched you while you slept. He was still completing his residency, and he never complained about being tired. He ran home after a long day and walked around the house with your tiny body cradled against his chest. He refused to put you down.”

  “Honey, the definition of ‘father’ means many different things. For Adam, it means loving your child so completely; you would give your life to protect this precious life. Your dad loves you with every fiber of his being. Who sat with you when you were sick? Who took you to the park, the zoo, and all of the other places you dragged him to every weekend? Who cried when you started first grade? Who sat crying like a baby when you graduated from high school? It was your father. Being a father is much more than biology. Adam has shown you for the past eighteen years that he loves you. He will continue loving you until he takes his final breath.”

  “I know what happened was horrible. I will never regret it because something beautiful arose from something ugly. I have my precious daughter, and I love you, Gail. You are my very best friend. I am so proud of the young women you’ve become. I want you to live your life to the fullest, and always remember that your mother and father will always love and support you.”

  Those few words meant the world to Gail. It eased some of the pain she felt. She worried that her relationship with her father would change. Adam, who still stood outside her door crumbled and slumped to the floor. Gail and Lydia heard him crying and became concerned.

  “Is that Daddy crying outside my door?” She looked horrified and covered her face with her hands.

  “It’s ok honey. Let me talk to Daddy for a few minutes. Close your eyes and try to relax. Everything will be ok.” Lydia walked into the hallway and found Adam sitting on the floor. He had his face buried in his hands, and when Lydia touched his shoulder, he broke down again. “Honey, get up off the floor and come into Gail’s room. We need to be strong for each other. Did you hear what I said to her?”

  “Yeah, I heard all of it. My heart is breaking Lydia. I hate seeing my baby upset because of that bastard! I swear I want to hurt him in the worst possible way.”

  “The best way to hurt him is to ignore him. I refuse to play the victim. I also refuse to accept his apology. We have a loving marriage, and beautiful, talented children. I want him out of my life.”

  Adam stood, reached for his wife’s hand and walked back into Gail’s room. Upon seeing her father, Gail opened her arms to him. Adam fell into her arms. “It’s ok Daddy. I know you love me, and you will always be my father. I don’t care how it happened. I’m just so happy you’re my dad.”

  “These past few days have been a nightmare for us, honey. The accident and everything else has me somewhat weepy. I want you to know something Gail, and I never want you to forget it. I am your father, in every way that matters most. If your uncle tries to contact you, I want you to tell me. I do not want you alone in a room with him. Do you hear me? He is to stay away from you. I will protect you from him. I don’t want him upsetting you.”

  Gail smiled at the thoughtful way her father protected her. “You are my knight in shining armor, willing to slay the dragon for me. I have to say, I like this evil side to you. It makes you look rugged.”

  Adam stared at her dumbfounded for several seconds. He looked at Lydia, who just shook her head, and then, everyone laughed their asses off. It was a tremendous release of tension. “That’s right, daughter of mine. I will slay any dragon who hurts you, priest, or no priest. I will always protect you.” It was then that Gail’s stomach growled with hunger. “I think someone is hungry. Let’s ring for the nurse, and get something solid into your belly.”

  While Gail was eating what she considered baby food, David entered the room. “Well young lady, I am happy to see you eating something.” The nurse followed behind him and took her vitals. “You are progressing on schedule Gail, but I want to keep you here for two more days to monitor the concussion.”

  “How’s the leg, David?”

  “It looks good. I took another x-ray earlier this morning. The pins are in place, and I anticipate Gail will be in a cast for at least eight weeks. I want to see her in two weeks for another x-ray. Once I remove the cast, she’ll need to wear a boot for another four weeks at a minimum. I want her non-weight bearing until the boot comes off. At that point, we can discuss therapy. Her leg muscles will atrophy during this time, and treatment will be uncomfortable.”

  “Her mother and I will take good care of her.”

  He turned to Gail and said, “We will always take care of you, sweetheart.”

  “What about college?”

  “I spoke to Mr. Lawrence yesterday. I have already arranged to have CCTV camera installed in all of your classes. You will have a front row seat, and not miss anything. When you are in therapy, your mother will record the lessons for you. Don’t worry about anything honey. Bobby and I will remove everything out of the family room, and this weekend, we will move your bed and clothes into the house. That room will look like a classroom by the time school begins in September.”

  Tears pricked Gail’s eyes, and she covered her face with her hands and cried. Adam gathered her in his strong arms and kissed her forehead. He whispered in her ear, “Always remember that I love you, and I want you to be happy. As we speak, your brother is putting together a new desk for you. Pray he doesn’t kill himself.”

  “Thank you, Daddy. I was so afraid I would miss my first semester. So, I get a new desk, how about a new laptop?”

  Adam hugged her hard. “Whatever you want munchkin, we’ll buy one for you on the way home.”

  Adam called Bobby as they were leaving the parking garage. “Have you made progress with the desk?”

  “Yeah, it was a bitch to put together. That goddamn glass top is thick. I had to call Matt to help me, but it looks good. How’s Gail?”

  “She’s much better today. David wants to keep her in the hospital for a few more days to monitor the concussion.”

  “That’s great. I miss her Dad. It feels strange not having her in the house.”

  “I know son. We all miss her. Your mother and I just left the hospital. We are going to Best Buy to purchase a new laptop for your sister. Would you also like a new laptop?”

  “Are you for real? Hell yes, I would love a new laptop.”

  Adam laughed. “Consider it a done deal.”

  Bobby was silent for several seconds. “Um, Dad, can you put me on speaker phone.”

  Adam handed the phone to Lydia. “Ok son, we can hear you.”

  “I moved some of my things and a sleeping bag into Gail’s new room. She may need something during the night, and I want to be close to her. She can kick me out when she gets sick of looking at me.”

  Silence filled the air. “Bobby, are you still on the phone?”

  Bobby cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m still here. Mom, Dad, I love you.”

  Adam reached over to squeeze Lydia’s hand. In unison, they said, “We love you too.”

  Emotions ran high as Adam continued driving. Lydia spoke first. “We have two fantastic children.”

  All Adam could say was, “Yes, we do,” because if he continued speaking, he would lose it again.

  Chapter 12

  It is well after the final meal of the day when I sneak into the rectory like an ordinary criminal. The light in Father O’Connell’s office is off so I can assume he has retired for the night. I cannot face anyone. The acid i
n my stomach makes it impossible for me to eat. I need time alone to pray, to meditate on the best way to resolve this problem. Everyone in my family, except Mary, hates me. I knew it was a mistake returning to this parish. I never imagined just how difficult it would be, and it is testing my faith.

  Father O’Connell heard John’s footsteps as he walked towards the church. He gave John several minutes for private meditation and proceeded to follow him. Father Brady lay prone on the hard marble floor, face down, arms outstretched in front of the altar. He cringed at the image of John lying prone on the cold marble floor. It had been many years since he’d witnessed a priest offering himself up for absolution in such a fashion.

  John heard the metal clacking of his cane and rose from his position. He quickly wiped the tears from his face. Walking over to Father O’Connell, he helped him into one of the pews.

  “Why are you crying John?”

  “Where do I begin? I feel something changing within me, Father, and it scares me. So much of my past has come to the surface, and I do not know how to handle the turmoil. I hurt so many people, and I have no one but myself to blame. I ran from my problems. I ran from so many things, and now…now…Dear Lord, please give me the strength to accept what cannot be changed. I want to run away Father. I want to hide again, and I know that no matter how far I run; this will follow me.”

  “Are you saying you no longer desire the life Our Lord has chosen for you?”

  “No, I don’t know what I am saying. I need time alone. I need to think about everything. Knowing I fathered a child has changed me. It’s brought to the surface feelings and desires long since buried.”

  “Running from your problems solves nothing. Draw on Our Lord’s strength to see you through this turmoil. Find your inner strength and all will be clear to you. Have faith, John. Our Lord will guide your path.”

  I watch Father O’Connell leave the church, and I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. I need time alone to think. I cannot think because everyone is looking at me. I escape to my small room and lie on the bed. I lay awake staring at the ceiling fan. Round and round it goes, just like a carousel. Sleep escapes me. I walk to the end of the hallway and enter the small chapel. The room is quiet and I let my mind drift to memories of the past. I am flooded with self-doubt. Am I actually hiding behind the walls of the church? Am I using the clergy to escape punishment? Lydia fears me, I can see it written all over her face, and the fact that I am the cause of that fear makes me physically ill. For the first time since I took my vows, I wonder if I made the correct decision. This sudden moment of clarity has cleared my mind. I know what I must do.