I walk back to my room and sit down at my desk. I retrieve a piece of paper and write down a few words that will forever change my life. “I officially request laicization.” I take off my collar and place it on top of the document. What few belongs I have I pack quickly and quietly leave the rectory.
I call Mary when I regain the ability to speak. The sudden and abrupt departure from a life that I found comforting for so long feels strange. “I have nowhere to go Mary, and I need help. I left a note in my room stating that I want to resign from my life of service. I cannot face God and my parishioners when I feel like a rapist. I though I resolved all of these feelings a long time ago. Seeing Gail and knowing that she is my daughter has brought it all to the surface. Lydia fears me, and I cannot live with myself knowing that I once again hurt everyone. I don’t know what to do.”
“Are you sure you are making the right decision? It’s not wise deciding something so important when you are upset. If I give you some advice, would you listen to me, John?”
“Yes, Mary, I will listen to you.”
“I want you to sit down with Mom and Dad, and discuss what you told me yesterday. You have to face them, John. You have been running from everyone, and avoiding the real issue. How will you heal the problems with Lydia and Adam if you do not address all of it? I’ll call Mom and Dad and ask them to come over to my house. You have to face this John, or you will spend the remainder of your life running. Can you do this for me?”
“Yes, Mary, I will do this, but can you also call Adam and Lydia? I want them to hear what I have to say.”
“I’ll call them as soon as I hang up.”
“Thank you, Mary. I’ll see you soon.”
Colin lost his temper when he walked into Mary’s house and saw John sitting in the living room. “What the fuck is he doing here? Did you call him Mary?”
“Dad, shut up and sit down. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. Do you hear me?”
“What did you say to me? Shut up? I’m still your father, and you will respect me!”
“This is my house!” Mary spat out. “And you will watch your language!”
Adam heard the yelling as he walked in the front door. “What the hell is going on in here? Why are you yelling at each other?”
Colin pointed to John. “I don’t want him in this house. Either he leaves or I leave.”
“No one is leaving,” Mary said. “If you walk out of this house, don’t come back.”
“Oh, great, this day keeps getting more fucked-up!”
Margaret growled to him, “Will you please shut your goddamn mouth for once in your life!”
Mary stood before her family, her back as stiff as steel. She turned her icy stare towards her father. “I have asked all of you here today because I want to clear the air. I met with John yesterday, and he told me something that shook me to the core. I want all of you to listen to what he has to say. We will have ample time later to discuss what has been said.”
John stood before everyone and prayed for strength. “First, let me say that I have informed Father O’Connell of my decision to leave the priesthood. Returning to Philadelphia was not my decision, and I knew I would have to face all of you eventually. I relive the unfortunate events of the past with shame and disgust.”
Looking at Colin and Margaret, he said, “I knew at an early age that I was different. I felt it in the way you interacted with me. I never understood the indifference I felt from both of you. Everything changed after Mary and Adam were born, and I began to resent them. You provided a roof over my head and food on the table, but you never made me feel loved. I felt like an outsider, and in hindsight, it was the beginning of many problems in my life.”
“Imagine my surprise, when at the age of sixteen, I found my adoption papers in a steamer trunk in the basement. I finally understood why I felt different. I finally realized my place within the family.”
He looked directly at Lydia. “The one solid relationship I had in my life was our friendship. I loved you and wanted to share my life with you. I knew you did not have those feelings for me, and I hoped that with time, you would love me. My dreams died the day you left me for Adam. I felt empty inside, and I had no outlet, no one to talk to who could help me to accept that I would never have a relationship with you.”
“I was already drinking and taking drugs and I know it was the catalyst for our relationship ending so abruptly. No one noticed my constant state of intoxication. No one cared to find out what was wrong with me. I roamed the streets at night looking for my next fix. I barely held onto my job. My faith dictates that I forgive the sinner, however; the heart of a lonely child still dwells within me. I find it difficult living with this rejection.”
John knelt before Lydia and held her hands. “Lydia, I have lived the past nineteen years regretting my actions. I know you fear me, and knowing this will haunt me for the remainder of my life. I want you to be happy Lydia. I want to wipe away that look of fear on your face. I want this turmoil to end, but I don’t know how. I realize now I can never escape the past. It haunts me to the point of madness. I beg you Lydia; please forgive me. I am a changed man. I will gladly endure criminal prosecution if that will ease your pain.”
“Gail is a beautiful young woman, but I will never be her father.” He turned to Adam and said, “You will always be her dad. I do not want to be a part of her life. My presence will only confuse and upset her. Knowing what I did to her mother and the circumstances of her conception are upsetting enough. My presence will be a constant reminder.”
Lydia leaned against her husband for support. “You have to understand John, that in my mind, this just happened to me. You have had nineteen years to come to terms with what happened between us. I need time to process these feelings.”
“I understand Lydia. I only hope and pray that one day, you will forgive me.”
John released her hands and stood before Colin and Margaret. “I want to thank you for taking care of me. It was never my intention to bring shame to our family.”
Colin sat in stunned silence. So now, the family knew the truth. It somehow liberated his tongue. “I want you to know that Margaret and I did care for you. I can’t change the past. If we somehow made you feel left out, I am sorry. You were a difficult child. Nothing we did would make you happy. You know how it was between us. Everything we said made you angry. You always fought with your brother and sister. Is it so difficult understanding why we felt indifferent? I couldn’t take it anymore and let you do whatever you wanted. You had the potential to be an excellent young man, but you threw away any chance of a happy life when you raped Lydia. I don’t care what you do now. I just want you to leave us alone. Go back to California.”
Everyone in the room sat in stunned silence as they absorbed Colin’s words. John’s face was ashen white. “Colin, where is this anger coming from? This goes beyond what happened with Lydia. Your rejection affected my life. Is it so impossible to comprehend that your actions and lack of parenting molded my young life? I remember how it was when I was a child. You had no patience for me. You had no time for me, and when I would say something, it always ended with an argument.”
“Are you blaming me for your fucked-up life? Did I force you to become an addict?”
“No Colin. Ultimately, the fault lies with me. You, however, hold part of the blame. Had you been an active role model in my life, I would have made better choices in my life. None of this matters now. As you’ve said, we cannot change the past. The last thing I want is another argument.”
Colin walked over to Lydia and reached for her hand. She recoiled from his touch, and the shock of her rejection hurt him deeply. “I am sorry honey for hurting you. In hindsight, we made the wrong decision. I hope that one day you can forgive us. It saddens me knowing you gave birth to his child.”
Margaret burst into tears. “How can you say that about your grand-daughter?”
“She is not my grand-daughter.”
Adam leaped fr
om his seat and came face to face with his father. “If you ever say such a thing in front of Gail, I will ram my fist down your fucking throat. Gail is my daughter, and if you can’t accept this as fact, I want you to stay the fuck away from all of us. My family is my primary concern.”
“Please everyone,” John said, “Take a step back and calm down. Arguing with each other solves nothing. Once the process of laicization is complete, and I am no longer a priest, I will return to California. I do not want to cause further stress within the family.”
Adam walked over to John and said, “I think it is a good idea to step back and think about your decision. Where will you live?”
“He can live with me,” Mary said.
Colin grabbed Margaret’s hand and headed for the door. “I am done talking about this. Your mother and I made the only decision we could at the time, and if all of you hate us, well, I guess we will have to live with it.” He turned and dragged his wife out of the house.
Everyone stood staring at the door as Colin and Margaret left the room. Mary sat down and covered her face with her hands. Adam sat next to her and gathered his sister in his strong arms. She leaned against him and took comfort from their connection. “So many secrets,” Adam whispered to her. Looking up at John, he said, “How could they keep so many secrets from all of us? How have we not seen any of this while living in their house?”
John shook his head. “I have seen more than I care to share with all of you. While the mistakes of the past do not excuse my behavior, I hope you now have a better understanding of what drove me to my actions. I continually pray for forgiveness.”
At that moment, Father Brady’s phone chimed. Looking at the screen, he saw Father O’Connell’s name on the screen. “Hello, Father O’Connell.”
“Father Brady, I am distressed and concerned to see the note you left in your room.”
“I am sorry Father. I do not want to upset you. I need a few days to come to terms with my past.”
“Where will you go, John? The church is your home. Please do not do something irrational without first speaking to me. Do I have your promise, Father?”
“Yes, Father O’Connell. I will return to the rectory by the end of the weekend. I want to spend a few days alone with my sister.”
“God bless you, John. Take comfort in His presence and come to terms with your past. You are an asset to the church, and I do not want to lose you.”
“Thank you, Father O’Connell. Your words touch my heart.”
Lydia felt something shift within her. Today was the first time she’d spent a significant amount of time with John, and she saw the change in him. The panic and fear she felt being near him eased somewhat. “I think we all need a few days to digest what we’ve learned today. Let’s take a few days, and we’ll talk again on Friday. All of you are welcomed to have dinner with us. I think it’s time we went home.”
John was shocked and happy to have received the invitation. Nodding his acceptance, he left the room. Mary followed him into the kitchen.
“What are you going to do John? How long can you stay with me?”
“I have until the end of the weekend. I must focus on Adam, Lydia, and Gail. I love all of them Mary, and I must find a way to heal the wounds. I know I will never be a part of their life. Gail is a beautiful young woman, and she deserves to live a happy life. I do not want the shame of my sin following her for the remainder of her life. Adam is her father, in every way that matters most.”
Mary leaned into her brother. “I am so proud of you John. You have found your calling in life, and I want you to think about leaving the church. You have a compassionate heart, and your parishioners need you. I need you, and maybe someday soon, my brother will realize what an incredible man you are. ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.’ We are all sinners John, and the real test of our faith is to forgive the sinner.”
John felt his heart constrict. “I am so happy to have you in my life. I pray every day that Adam and his family will finally find it in their hearts to forgive me.”
Adam and Lydia were in the dining room and heard the two of them talking. Adam leaned into her. “He’s a different man Lydia. I can hear it in his voice. Are you comfortable having him in our house?”
Lydia nodded her head. “You heard what he said, Adam. We must get past this. I do not want our daughter haunted by this. I hope that with time, she will be comfortable being around John.”
Adam held her close. “This is one of the many reasons why I love you.”
“I love you too, Adam.”
Colin parked the car slammed his fist into the steering wheel. Margaret looked at him with disgust. Both of them are responsible for what happened today. “Sitting there hitting the steering wheel is not going to resolve the issue. We made a terrible mistake. We should have told the family when it first happened.”
“I know all of this Maggie. Why bring it up now? I have to live with this, and it’s killing me. Did you see the look on Mary’s face? She hates me, and I don’t blame her.”
“Let’s not forget about John. What he said today is the truth. You were indifferent to him once the twins were born. I tried to tell you this a thousand times over the years. You have a wicked temper, and it hasn’t gotten better with age.”
“I know Maggie. Don’t you think I realize how I fucked up his life? You know how we struggled when the kids were young. I always worked long hours. John was always a problem child, and my patience wore thin. I don’t see how bringing up all of this shit solves anything.”
Maggie sighed. “It’s time we put the past behind us and deal with what’s going on now. How could you say such a terrible thing about Gail?”
Remorse crept up his neck. “I knew it was wrong as soon as it came out of my mouth. I thought Adam would hit me.”
“You deserve his anger. None of this is Gail’s fault. You know she is a beautiful young woman. You need to apologize to Adam and Lydia.”
“I know, and I will apologize.”
This day has been so stressful. I just want to close my eyes and drift off into nothingness. Mary is so wonderful. She opened her house to me and I will be forever grateful. I follow my sister up the stairs and into the guest bedroom. My legs feel like rubber, and I find it difficult putting one foot in front of the other. Once I sit on the bed, I feel what energy I have left leave me. When Mary kissed me goodnight and closed the door, I quickly undress and collapse onto the bed.
Hours later, Mary stood in the doorway and watched her brother sleep. The worry lines disappeared from his face, and he looked like a young boy. She prayed her brother would not leave the church. She wanted John to find peace through acceptance and move forward with his life. Mary was proud of her brother, proud that he had the courage to leave a life and family that held so many bad memories, and make a new life for himself.
Adam and Lydia drove home in silence. Taking a detour, they drove to the hospital to see Gail. “Hey, you too, what are you doing here so late at night? Have you come to take me home early?”
Adam laughed. “Not so fast young lady. We will be back in the morning to spring you from this joint. How are you feeling munchkin?”
“Not bad. My leg is throbbing, but the medication takes away most of the discomfort. My headache is finally easing up, and I can almost think straight. The pain meds mess up my mind. I hope I won’t need them much longer. I don’t like feeling spaced out.”
“Once you come home, we can adjust the medication. I don’t want you taking it while you are alone in the house. Bobby has agreed to stay with you for a few days.”
“Yeah, I don’t feel good about being alone in the house. Besides, I want to be close to both of you. We still have some things to discuss.”
Lydia sat down next to her daughter. “Whatever you want to know, your father and I will answer truthfully. We will have no secrets in this family.” She looked at Adam for confirmation. “We love you, and we only want what’s best for you.”
“Would you be upset if I asked to see Uncle John? I also have questions for him.”
Adam wanted to scream no a thousand times, and as the anger grew once again, he remembered the conversation they heard earlier that day. The anger left him. It was time for the healing process to begin.
“We had a very troubling meeting with your grandparents, Uncle John and Aunt Mary. We need to tell you what we discussed.” Adam held nothing back from his daughter, and an hour later, he felt drained and tired.
Gail was shocked and saddened by what she had heard. “I don’t know what to say. Why did granny and gramps keep the adoption a secret?”
“I don’t know honey. Your mother invited everyone to dinner on Friday. You’ll have a chance to speak to him after dinner.”
Chapter 13
Bright sunlight woke John from a deep sleep. He smiled when he realized he was in his sister’s house. He glanced at his watch and was surprised to see that it was ten in the morning. He felt at peace for the first time in many years. Rising from the bed, he noticed a laundry basket at the foot of the bed, with a note neatly folded on top of a pile of clothes. It was a letter from his sister. “I bought these clothes for you,” the letter said. “Take a shower and meet me in the kitchen. I want to cook breakfast for you. Love, Mary.”
The Confession Page 9