The Confession

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The Confession Page 10

by Jeanette Muscella


  “Love Mary,” the note said. Those two words felt like a vice squeezing his heart. His sister loved him, and it was a humbling feeling. He quickly showered and ran down to the kitchen. He felt different as if an enormous weight disappeared from his shoulders. His mind thought back to the events of the previous day. The truth was out in the open, and once he decided how to proceed, he hoped to continue his life as a priest. John regretted his decision to resign and called Father O’Connell.

  “Good morning, Father Brady. How are you feeling today?”

  “I feel fine Father O’Connell, but I will feel much better if you would destroy my note. I wrote it when I was upset, and I sincerely regret it in the light of day.”

  Father O’Connell laughed into to the phone. “I tore it up last night. I refuse to accept your resignation.”

  Relief flooded John. “Thank you. I reacted in a moment of weakness. I apologize if I caused you concern. I am at my sister’s house, and I need time with her before I return to the rectory. I am officially requesting a sabbatical. I must resolve the conflicts within my family.”

  “I will have Father Mallard prepare the paperwork. Stop by my office tomorrow, and we will formalize the request. You have made the correct decision John. The church needs you. Be with God Father Brady. I will pray for your family.”

  Mary is sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee and working the crossword puzzle. She looked up and smiled when she hears me enter the room. Rising from her seat, she walks over to me and wraps her arms around me. “I love you John and I’m happy you are here with me.”

  “When I saw your note this morning, I almost cried because it has been a long time since anyone said they loved me. Thank you for welcoming me into your home. I am happy to be here.”

  “Oh, John, you have no idea how happy I am to have you here with me. Now, sit down while I cook your breakfast. What would you like this morning? I have eggs, bacon, hot and cold cereal, waffles, and pancakes.”

  Realizing that he had not eaten in almost twenty-four hours, his stomach let him know he was starving. “If it is not too much trouble, I’d like three eggs, three slices of bacon, four pancakes, and three pieces of toast. I’d also like something else.”

  “How much food could you possibly eat?”

  “I don’t want food. I want a kiss from my sister.”

  Mary covered her face with her hands and cried. John walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. “Hush Mary, please don’t cry.”

  “These are happy tears.” Several minutes and a dozen kisses later, John sat with his sister and shared their first meal together in many years. “Tell me the truth John; do you like being a priest?”

  “I do now Mary, but when I first entered the seminary, I struggled. My life as a priest has been rewarding. Looking back, I realized I had an empty place in my heart where love for my family should have been. I have conflicting emotions regarding Margaret and Colin. I do appreciate that they cared for me, and I wish circumstances could have been different. I deserved to know the truth about my adoption. I was an immature, drunken young man, who made many mistakes that can never be taken back.”

  “My wish is to heal the wounds and move on with my life. Whether I do that here in Philadelphia or some other parish is yet to be determined. I spoke to Father O’Connell earlier this morning, and I have requested a sabbatical. Apparently, he destroyed the resignation note that I left in my room.”

  “Are you actually considering leaving the priesthood?”

  “I don’t know. My emotions are strangling me, and I need time to think. I knew seeing Lydia again after so many years would be difficult. Knowing I fathered a child excites and terrifies me. Knowing that a part of me will live on after I leave this life is comforting to me. I am afraid to be near her. I know she has questions that only I can answer. What do I say to her? How do I convey my remorse? Will she hate me?”

  Mary moved closer to her brother and wrapped an arm around his tense shoulders. “Start at the beginning and speak from the heart. I know you are sorry for what happened, and how you hurt Lydia. Gail will either accept or reject your apology. What you must do is accept and live with that decision. You are not the same person who hurt Lydia. You live your life to serve others. Think of the many people whose lives were changed because you touched them spiritually. You are a good man John, and it is time to forgive yourself and live your life free of guilt. I only ask that you consider staying in Philadelphia. I need my brother in my life. I’m not getting any younger, and I want you near me.”

  Unable to speak, John nodded his head and leaned into his sister.

  Gail’s entire family showed up at the hospital to take her home. She smiled when all three of them entered her room. She was sitting in a wheelchair, with her bag on her lap. Adam bent down to kiss her forehead. “I see someone is in a hurry to get out of here.”

  “You have no idea how much I want to leave this place. I’ve had enough poking, prodding, and x-rays to last a lifetime.”

  Bobby stood in the doorway, and he looked as if he were afraid to enter her room. Sensing his uneasiness, she shouted to him, “Hey dorkface, why are you standing in the doorway? Get your ass over here and wheel me out of this room. I hear you’ve been working hard getting my room ready for me. I’ll let you know if I approve once we get home. Come on big guy, get me out of here.”

  Bobby smiled as he walked over to his sister. He bent down to kiss her. “I’m sorry this happened you, and I’ll help you in any way that I can. I feel responsible because I wasn’t paying attention to our surroundings.”

  “It’s not your fault Bobby. It was an accident. I’ve had surgery, and in time, the leg will be as good as new. You, however, will suffer my wrath indefinitely. I intend to beat the crap out of you playing poker. I hope you have enough money because very soon, it will belong to me.”

  Adam and Lydia looked at each other and smiled. Lydia said, “Ok children, be nice to each other. The two of you will be living in close quarters for several weeks.”

  Gail sighed. “Oh Mom, you take the fun out of everything.” And with that statement, they all laughed.

  David heard the laughter as he entered Gail’s room. “Ok young lady, I have your discharge papers. I need you to sign where indicated, and you will be officially free to leave our lovely hospital.”

  Gail happily signed her name and reached for her bag. Bobby carefully wheeled her out into the hallway. David turned to Adam and said, “Her pain meds are in her overnight bag. Keep an eye on her for at least a week for any residual signs of the concussion. If she develops symptoms, bring her to the ER. I’ve scheduled a follow-up appointment three weeks from today. I want another x-ray of the leg. No weight bearing on the leg. I want her in that chair if she needs to move around the house. You can take it with you and return it later. If her healing progresses on schedule, she will be out of the cast and in a boot in about eight to ten weeks.”

  Adam shook David’s hand. “Thank you for taking such good care of my daughter. I’ll be home with her for the next week. I have plenty of vacation time, and I think I need one.”

  The drive home was animated and loud. Gail, sitting with her leg on the back seat and leaning against her brother, never stopped talking. She always did this when she was nervous. Bobby whispered to her, “Relax runt, we’re almost home. Wait until you see how we transformed the family room. It looks great with all of the new stuff Dad bought for you. Oh, and get this, I also have a new laptop. We had the CCTV hooked up this morning.”

  No longer animated, Gail covered her face with her hands and cried. Bobby held her tighter and kissed the back of her head. “Relax Gail; we’ll take good care of you. I’ll be with you for as long as you need me.”

  Gail squeezed the hand that was holding her and closed her eyes. Bobby felt her relax as sleep enveloped her. Lydia turned around to look at her children. She blew a kiss to her son and mouthed, “Love you.”

  Gail was still asleep when A
dam pulled into the driveway. Bobby gently shook her awake. “We’re home Gail.” Adam opened the back door of the car and between the two of them, lifted her out of the back seat and into the wheelchair. Mary was waiting for her niece with a bouquet of roses in her hand.

  Gail smiled when she saw Mary. “Are those roses for me? I feel like a princess.”

  “You are our princess,” Adam whispered as he wheeled Gail into the house and to the family room. Gail’s audible gasp let everyone know that she approved the remodel. “Wow, this place looks fantastic. Oh, look at my desk. Is that the CCTV monitor?”

  “Yes. The school delivered it yesterday. Your textbooks will be here next week. Everything will be set up for you to begin classes on September 6th.”

  Overwhelmed once again by her father’s efficiency, Gail fought back the tears. “Thanks, Daddy for taking care of this for me. I don’t know what I would do if I missed my first semester.”

  “Let’s get you into bed, and then we can discuss your roster. All of your teachers are willing to adjust your schedule if therapy gets in the way. I will make sure that your therapy is in the morning before class begins. I’ll hire a home nurse aide to drive you there, and your mother will monitor whatever classes you miss. Together, we will make sure everything runs smoothly. I don’t want you to worry about any of it. Your mother and I work like a well-oiled machine.” Adam sat on the side of the bed while Lydia stood next to him. “There is nothing that your mother or I wouldn’t do for our sweet daughter. We love you, honey. Always remember.”

  Looking over to see Bobby standing in the doorway, she whispered, “Does Bobby know?”

  Adam shook his head. “Your mother and I will talk to him today. John and Aunt Mary are coming over for dinner on Friday. I don’t want him sucker punched. Now, close your eyes and take a nap. Mom will wake you when lunch is ready.” Everyone left the room as Gail drifted off to sleep.

  Concerned, Bobby asked, “Is Gail ok? She looks a little tense.”

  Lydia reached out for his hand. “Come with us Bobby. We need to speak to you privately.” Bobby looked to his father for guidance. A slight nod told him everything he needed to know. He followed his parents into the kitchen.

  Once seated, Lydia held his hand tightly. “Your father and I have discovered something about our past that while terribly upsetting, does not change the fact that we love our children. I have struggled this past week now that I know the truth, and your father and I want to tell you what happened.”

  “Before I met your dad, I dated someone whom I considered my best friend. We had fun together, and when he told me he loved me, I told him I did not have those feelings for him. He laughed it off, and I thought that was the end of the discussion. We were together with friends when I met Adam. I knew almost immediately that he was the one for me. I never felt so connected to another person, and I wanted him in my life.”

  “I ended the relationship with the other person, and Adam and I dated exclusively. In a matter of months, we were talking about getting married. I was so happy and wanted everyone around me to share in our happiness. Your father and I married a few months after he started his residency.”

  “I remained friends with my former boyfriend. He gave no indication that his feelings for me were nothing more than friendly. I liked having him around, and I enjoyed his company. On the night of your father’s twenty-eighth birthday, Adam had to work. I had made a special dinner and invited his parents. I also asked my friend and he stayed when everyone left our apartment.”

  Bobby felt his mother’s hand shake beneath his. Taking a deep breath, she continued. “This is difficult for me Bobby, but I want you to know the truth. I had no memory of this until last weekend. My friend put something in my drink, and when I was unable to stop him, he had sex with me. In my drugged state, I thought Adam was making love to me. I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover that I have ever had.”

  “Life went on and I thought nothing of it. A few weeks later, we found out I was pregnant with Gail. It was the happiest time of my life Bobby. I wanted so much to be a mother, to have my husband’s child growing inside my body.”

  “We discovered the truth shortly after Gail had the accident. Bobby, there is no easy way to tell you the truth, so I am just going to say it. The friend that I was referring to is Uncle John. Apparently, he was still in love with me, and when I married Adam, he snapped. He started drinking heavily and taking drugs. He drugged my wine, Bobby. He decided to become a priest because he wanted to run from the truth.”

  “When David found inconsistencies in Gail’s bloodwork that did not match her medical records, we were worried because it was possible that the hospital switched babies. Your father assured me that the hospital would not make such a mistake. When John donated blood for Gail’s surgery, David ran the necessary testing for donor blood. He found markers in his blood that matched Gail, which promoted him to run a DNA test. John is Gail’s biological father. We have the DNA test as proof. Gail overheard Adam and John arguing outside her hospital room. It was awful Bobby. Seeing my daughter so distraught broke me.”

  Unable to continue, Lydia rose from her seat and left the kitchen. Bobby stood to follow her and felt Adam grab his arm. “Give her a few minutes son. Your mother is struggling. Her memories came back in full force a few days ago. That was when you heard her screaming.”

  “Can we press charges against him? Has the statute of limitation expired on a rape crime? I want him to suffer for what he did to my mother.”

  “He is suffering Bobby. His conscience has followed him for nineteen years. He wrote a letter to Mom and Dad, confessing what he had done but never told them the name of the person he hurt. For some unknown reason, they chose to keep it a secret from us. Had we known the letter existed, it may have prompted a memory from your mother.”

  “This is utterly unbelievable. How could they keep something like this a secret? Did the drug literally wipe out her memory?”

  “Yes it did, however, subconsciously; your mother has been trying to remember what happened. She’s had nightmares for many years, and once she discovered the truth, her memory returned in a dream.”

  “What can I do Dad? I feel helpless!”

  “I want you to do what you’ve always done Bobby. Love your family. Tell your sister that you love her. Be supportive of your mother. She will need all of our strength to get through this.”

  Adam rose from his seat. “I need to check on Mom, and I want you to check on Gail. I told her that we were going to tell you the truth.”

  Bobby nodded and walked back to the family room. Gail was channel surfing. He walked over to the bed, and she patted the mattress. “Sit next to me big guy. We need to talk. Did you speak to Mom and Dad?”

  “Yeah, I talked to them. I can’t believe it!”

  “I know. Imagine how I feel hearing all of this!”

  “I can’t even imagine how I would react.”

  “I’m so upset, but I try not to show it because Mom and Dad are struggling with this. How do you feel Bobby? Does this change our relationship?”

  “Hell no, who else can I irritate? Your nagging and whiny voice are music to my ears. We are a team runt; always remember that we are a united front against the evil forces in the world.”

  “You sound like a science fiction geek at some convention.”

  “I am a force of nature, and don’t you forget it.”

  He found Lydia sitting on the deck in her favorite chair. This was her favorite spot in the house, a place where she found peace and solitude. Adam knelt before her and she opened her legs to him. He moved forward, sank into her soft body, and kissed the nape of her neck. “Are you alright?”

  “Yeah, that was difficult Adam. Having to tell my son what happened to me has changed me.”

  “How has it changed you?”

  Lydia sighed. “It’s made me realize that I cannot change what has happened, no matter how long I hold on to the anger. I don’t want to walk around th
e house acting like the victim. I don’t want them worrying about me every day of the week. I don’t want them constantly afraid to say something to me for fear of upsetting me. I don’t want this affecting their lives.”

  “While I agree with you, I also worry that you’re not dealing with the issue. Are you pushing this aside for the sake of the children?”

  “Yes and no. I’ve thought long and hard on how to deal with this. Do I seek therapy? Do I hide in my room and cry all day? Do I seek revenge? Forgiveness isn’t easy. John betrayed my trust and hurt me physically. Now, nineteen years later, he has hurt me emotionally. I don’t want to make myself sick over this. I want to get past the anger and resentment because at the end of the day, I look at our daughter and I thank God she is in our lives. I don’t want this anger to darken my soul.”

  “You are an amazing woman Lydia. I knew it the day I married you, and twenty years later, you are still the center of my universe. Your strength amazes me. I love you honey, and I am glad you have found peace with what happened so long ago. You are right when you say you do not want this to affect the children. They are still impressionable, and if we do not handle this correctly, they will suffer. I don’t want that to happen to them.”

  “Neither do I, Adam. They are my lifeline to this world, and I’ll do whatever is necessary to protect them. Nothing will destroy our family.”

  Chapter 14

  John felt wrestles and irritated. His meeting earlier that day with Father Mallard depressed him.

  “Father Brady; I will approve your request for a sabbatical on one condition. I want you to sign a confidentiality agreement. What happened in your past must never be discussed.”

  John looked down at the agreement. “I don’t understand why I have to sign this. I already informed you I would not discuss this with anyone. This feels like blackmail, and I refuse to sign it.”

  “If you refuse to sign this document, Father Brady, you will be stripped of all clerical duties until you comply. As you know, we cannot have another scandal. If the facts surrounding Gail’s parentage were made public, it would not only cause great distress for The Cardinal, but it would bring shame to this church. You must sign!”

 

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