John said nothing as they drove back to her house. Mary followed him up to his room and watched as he sat on the edge of the bed and break into a million pieces. She sat down next to him. “Take a few days to relax John, and focus on what is important in your life. Our Lord forgave you many years ago. Let go of the memories, or they will eventually kill your spirit. I do not want you disappearing from my life. If you decide to leave, please tell me. I always want to know where you are. I love you, John. I always will.”
I hold my sister’s hand, and I am so grateful for her love and support. She will never know how her love soothes my soul. “Hearing those words touches my heart. I love you too, and I promise not to disappear on you. Today was a catalyst for me. I will no longer suffer the shame of my past. God has given me the strength to confront my family, ask for forgiveness, and accept that it will not be forthcoming. I have to move past this with the knowledge that I have done all that I can.”
“I want you to rest tonight, and tomorrow we will take a drive to Atlantic City. You need fresh air and a few days of peace and reflection.”
“I don’t know if I can sleep. My mind is racing.”
“Would you like to watch something on television? I have ice cream in the freezer.”
“What flavor do you have?”
“I have mint chocolate chip and cherry. I also have whipped cream and a jar of maraschino cherries.”
My stomach growls in agreement. “That sounds delicious.”
It is well past midnight when I say goodnight to my sister. Her house is quiet, and I close my eyes and drift into a peaceful sleep. The next morning, I awake feeling hopeful about the future. I’ve done all that I can to resolve matters with my family, and I look forward to spending the day with Mary.
“When was the last time you had a day to yourself?”
“Sadly, it’s been several years, maybe more. I was always preoccupied with one project or another, and never took time for myself. This feels strange.”
She smiled as she reached into her tote bag and pulled out a digital camera. “I want to take a lot of pictures of the two of us today. I want new memories.”
John laughed. “We’ll take as many as you like. Today is our special day.”
I do not remember the last time I have felt so relaxed. Mary and I walk on the boardwalk, eat funnel cake, play the shot machines, and take dozens of pictures. I feel comfortable wearing shorts and a tee shirt. I feel normal, and I like the feeling. My feet are aching, and I beg Mary to take a break. We sit under one of the pergolas’ and eat water ice. The gentle rolling of the ocean waves mesmerizes me.
I sigh with contentment as I finish my huge water ice. “This was an excellent idea, Mary. I haven’t eaten this much junk food in a very long time. I mentored a basketball team at my old parish and after each game; I would take the children to the local pizza house. Two slices were my limit. I fear I’ve gained a few pounds today, but it was worth it. I’ll probably have indigestion later tonight.”
Mary laughed. “Don’t worry. I have plenty of antacid in the kitchen. You needed this day John, and I am happy you shared it with me. I have some great pictures of you. Let’s take a walk on the beach.”
Once again, I feel an overwhelming sense of contentment. The feeling is foreign to me. Mary laughs at me because I have been picking up seashells from the sand and placing them in a plastic bag. I know it is silly collecting seashells, but I want to remember this day. When the bag is full, I look down at it and feel sad. I look over at Mary and she is staring at me.
“What it is John? You have the strangest look on your face.”
“I never had this growing up. We always came here during the summer, and I usually sat under an umbrella, while you and Adam ran up and down the beach. Looking back now, I feel sad because none of this had to happen. My childhood was not a happy one. It makes me happy walking on the beach with you. This entire day makes me happy. I wish I would have felt this way when I was a child.”
“I’m sorry John. I had no idea you were unhappy. How did I miss the signs?”
“I did not want anyone to know. On some level, I felt guilty for the resentment I had towards you and Adam. I could never pinpoint why I felt so antagonistic towards everyone. Those emotions were always a part of me. Father Randall helped me to channel those emotions into something productive. I am being honest with you Mary. It took me a very long time to feel…normal. When Lydia asked me if I abused anyone else, something in me died. The person that I once was no longer exists. Why can’t everyone see who I am now?”
“You can’t go back and change your life, John. What matters now is learning from this experience, recognize what triggers your sadness, and channel those emotions in a productive way. We are all victims of our past. You cannot dwell on events that were out of your control, and you certainly cannot make someone like you. If they can’t see who you are now, nothing you say or do will change their opinion of you. What makes me angry is you willingly walked away from the church to protect Gail, and they are unable to comprehend what this sacrifice has done to you.”
“What else could I do, Mary? I do not respond well to blackmail, and while my permanent file contains the entire sorted truth, Father Mallard made me feel…dirty. I had to protect Gail.”
“Live your life, John, that’s all any of us can do. Make peace with the situation and take it one day at a time.”
“Words of wisdom Mary, maybe if you say I often enough, it will sink in.”
“It will if you let go of the memories. Find your focus John, and you will make a difference in so many people’s lives.”
Mary and I sit on the boardwalk and watch the sun descend across the water. It was a perfect day, a day that I will remember for a long time.
Dinner at Adams house that night was tense. The atmosphere was quiet, and it felt unnatural. Gail sat next to her brother in her wheelchair and pushed the food around on her plate. After several tense minutes, Bobby spoke. “Why does everyone look like someone just died? As far as I’m concerned, nothing has changed. The runt is still a pain in the ass, and I am…well…just incredibly handsome. No one at this table should waste one more second on Uncle John. He is out of our lives, and I for one am happy. He said what he needed to say, and that’s the end of it. Let’s move on and put this to bed, once and for all.”
Adam sat dumbfounded, and all he could do was laugh. “I’m happy that you love yourself so much, and I agree with you. Let’s enjoy this beautiful dinner, and when we have finished eating, we can relax in the living room and watch a movie. I heard through the grapevine that we have chocolate ice cream for dessert.”
Gail wanted to watch a chick flick, and while everyone groaned and complained, they all sat in silence while she ate ice cream and watched her movie. Later that night, the family sat down and aired their feelings. Adam gave everyone ample time to vent. He started with Bobby.
“I am pissed and I want to hit something. Gran and Gramps called me today and acted as if nothing happened. When I told Gramps that I knew the truth, he apologized and asked me not to rush to judge him.”
“Lydia, how do you feel?”
“I’m tired of thinking about this. I want him to stay away from us. I accept his apology, but I will never forget what he did to me.”
Adam looked to Gail. “How about you sweetheart, how do you feel today?”
“I’m very upset Dad. It is upsetting knowing the circumstances of my conception. John looks at me, and I feel weird. I hate him for what he did to Mom, and then feel guilty for hating him. I see you and know you are hurting just as much as I am.”
Adam sighed. “I won’t lie to you, Gail. I was devastated when David told me your blood type did not match mine. So many emotions assaulted me, and it felt like my heart stopped beating. There were only two possible explanations,” he said as he looked at Lydia and reached for her hand, “and, unfortunately, my mind went to a dark place. What matters most is that I love you, Gail. I called my lawyer thi
s morning and explained the situation. I want John to waive all parental rights, and I want to adopt you.”
“I’m eighteen. Can you legally adopt someone who is not minor?”
“Yes. There is no age restriction on adoption, and I will not rest until you are, for lack of a better word, legally my daughter.”
Lydia rose from her seat, walked over to Adam, and sat on his lap. The pressure against his groin shot up his spine. She wrapped an arm around Adam and kissed him passionately. The children always made catcalls and hooting sounds when they kissed, but not this time. Gail and Bobby watched their parents with love and admiration. “I love you so much Adam. Thank you for loving us the way you do.”
Lydia’s words touched his heart. With his children surrounding him, and his wife holding him, Adam cried. He buried his face against his wife’s soft breasts and cried. Soothing hands caressed his arms and shoulders. Bobby stood behind his father and placed comforting hands on his shoulders. Gail reached out to hold his hand.
Bobby broke the tension in the room when he shouted, “We are a united front against the evil forces in the world. No one messes with Darth Adam!” Everyone laughed. Ah, the joys of parenthood!
Chapter 15
John woke early the next morning and dressed for Sunday mass. He could not face everyone and observed mass in the back of the church. He quietly left the church before the end of services. Driving aimlessly, he thought about his parents. He needed to speak to the only man he considered his father. With a new sense of purpose, he drove the familiar streets until he found himself parked outside their house.
Margaret was standing on the sidewalk watering her garden and was surprised to see John sitting in Mary’s car in front of her house. She walked over to his car and smiled at John. “I’m surprised to see you, John. Are you ok?”
John got out of the car. “I am fine Mom, and I too am surprised to be standing here with you. Is Dad at home? I would like to speak to the two of you.”
“Yes, he is in the back yard reading the paper. Follow me please.”
The hairs on the back of my neck tingle as I walk into the house. It hadn’t changed much over the years. Feeling uneasy, I keep my head down and follow Mom out onto the deck. Dad sits with his feet propped up on a chair and looks up when he hears the sliding door open. He glances at Mom, and she gives him the ‘be nice, or I will kill you’ look. Sighing, he offers me a seat. “Why are you here John? What do you want from me?”
“I’ve spent the past few days talking about the past and the mess I’ve made of my life. I want to know why you never told me about the adoption. I want to know why I never felt a connection with the two of you. I am not here to make you uncomfortable. I only want answers, and honestly, I deserve the truth.”
Colin rose and walked into the house. John and Margaret followed him. Sitting on the dining room floor was a steamer trunk. Colin opened the lid and retrieved one of the many photo albums. This one had John’s name written on it.
“Maggie and I tried for several years to have a baby. After many tests, and a few miscarriages, we decided to adopt. The adoption agency found a baby for us within a few months. The mother was five months pregnant and had agreed to the adoption. We paid all of her medical bills, and we were so happy to be parents. When you were born, you were very sick. The doctors told us you had cocaine in your system. The mother overdosed a few months after your birth.”
“You were sick for several months. It was awful watching your child withdraw from an addiction. It affected you more than we realized. You were quiet and withdrawn as a child. You would not play with the other kids. You would not interact with us. We were at a loss as to how we could help you.”
“When Maggie found out she was pregnant, you had a temper tantrum. Our doctor prescribed medication, which helped tremendously, however; it never bridged the gap between us. You resented Mary and Adam, and we didn’t know what to do, so we left you alone. As you grew older, your behavior changed. You became belligerent and argumentative. It became too difficult dealing with your constant mood swings. I’m sorry to say I was happy when you left home.”
It all made sense now, the feeling of disassociation, the hatred for his siblings, and the isolation. “Why did you keep me if I was so much trouble?”
“You were still our son. How could we abandon you?”
“The fact is; you did abandon me by ignoring me. I want this turmoil to end. We cannot change the past. It obvious I am no longer that person.”
John reached out and held Colin and Margaret’s hands. “God, give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, the courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Live one day at a time, enjoy one moment at a time, and accept hardship as a pathway to peace. Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that You will make all things right if we surrender to Your will so that we may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.”
Colin felt hot tears sting his eyes. His voice shook as he said, “I am so proud of you John. I am ashamed of my behavior. I regret many things in my life, and how I treated you is one of them. Please forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“I am no longer a priest. Father Mallard placed an ultimatum on my request for a sabbatical. He wanted me to disavow Gail as a sin and bury the truth. I refused to categorize my daughter as a sin because she is a gift from God. As I told Lydia a few days ago, what I did to her is a sin, Gail is not. By my refusing to sign, I was relieved of my priestly duties. My life as a priest is over, and surprisingly, I am not as upset as I thought I would be. You were right when you said I was hiding behind the church.”
“It made me angry that Father Mallard would request this of me. I can no longer live a lie. I refuse to bury the past. Surprisingly, my heart feels lighter. Until I have been officially relieved of my priestly duties, I can still pray for you.” John made the sign of the cross and placed his hands on Colin and Margaret’s faces. “I forgive you, in the name of The Father, and of The Son, and of The Holy Spirit. Our Lord is all seeing, all forgiving. Be at peace and know that I will always love you.”
There were no words to express the emotions swirling around them. Margaret leaned into John and cried. John wrapped his arms around her and ran a soothing hand up and down her back. “Please Mother, no more tears. Today is a day for forgiveness, for the healing of old wounds. Our Lord has given us this opportunity to see past the pain, to reach out to one another with love and forgiveness. Take the time today to reflect and calm your soul. Adam and Mary will forgive you because they love you. I will be by your side when you speak to them.”
She looked up at him with tear-stained eyes and said, “Why are you helping us?”
John smiled, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. We are all sinners Mother. Please pray with me. “Oh My God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pain of Hell; but most of all because I have offended Thee, my God, who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen.” No other words were spoken as John quietly left the house.
At the end of a long day of prayer, reflection, and crying, Colin placed a conference call to his children and John. Mary cried when she heard her father’s plea for forgiveness. For the first time in his life, Adam heard his father cry, and it affected him deeply.
“I know the two of you are furious with me, and I want you to understand why. John has helped me to understand how keeping secrets hurts the people you love most in life. I love all of you very much, and the thought of losing your love kills me. I would rather die than have all of you hate me. Please, your mother and I need to speak to all of you, and that includes Gail and Bobby. We have much to discuss.”
Adam felt the ice melt. “Is everyone
available tomorrow afternoon?” All agreed to meet at one o’clock.
Adam and Mary stayed on the line after everyone disconnected the call. “I’m scared Adam. I’ve never heard Dad so upset that he would cry. Whatever he has to tell us, it must be bad. Why was he talking to John?”
“I don’t know, but it surprises me. Apparently, something happened between the two of them. I guess we’ll find out what it is tomorrow. I love you, Mary.”
“I love you too, Adam. Get some rest, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Lydia was still in the room when Adam ended the call. “What’s going through your mind?”
“I don’t even know where to start. I’m almost afraid to hear what he has to say.”
“Let’s go to bed Adam. I need to feel your body against mine.”
Adam smiled. “I love hearing you say that.” Hours later, Adam awoke to find the bed empty. The bathroom light was on and he heard Lydia humming to herself. She’s in the tub, Adam thought with a smile. He followed the sound and found Lydia up to her neck in bubbles, eyes closed, and complexly relaxed.
He walked over to the tub, scooped a few bubbles with his finger, and dabbed them on her nose. Lydia looked up at him with such love in her eyes; he had to choke back the tears.
“Want to join me?” Lydia asked as she opened her arms to him. She scooted forward, and Adam climbed in behind her. Strong thighs held her tight while soft hands moved down her body.
“You really know how to get a girl worked up, don’t you?”
Smiling, Adam kissed her neck and said, “I only know how to get one girl worked up, and she is always so receptive. It amazes me that after being married for so long we still make each other crazy. I love touching you. I love the soft sounds you make when I am in you. I like the firm grip you have on my cock when I make love to you. I love everything about you, Lydia. I even like squeezing my body into this frigging small tub to feel your wet body against mine. And I especially like this.”
The Confession Page 12