“I will not sign, Father Mallard. You will not force me to comply with something that I do not agree with. Do you honestly think I wish to discuss this with anyone other than my family? Do you really believe I want to disgrace the church, to hurt my daughter? I have lived with this for nineteen years.”
“And this is why we have a problem. You referred to Gail as your daughter. You hid this truth from me! Why would you do that Father Brady? A lie of omission is a sin.”
“I did not hide the truth from anyone. It is in my file for all to see. The fact that I do not wish to discuss it should be obvious. I should not be at fault for your lack of due diligence.” At that moment, John knew with certainty that his life as a priest would end. Once again, secrecy suffocated him.
“As I have said, Father Mallard, I will not sign your document. If by not signing, my life as a priest ends, then so be it. In my heart, signing it signifies that Gail is not worthy of God’s love. I know that I can never acknowledge her as my daughter. Adam is her father, and he loves her. In the eyes of God, he knows the truth and by signing your document, you are asking me to negate her existence, and that I will not do. Now, if you will excuse me, I will pack my belongings and leave the rectory. I will leave the keys to the van on the table by the door.”
“You are making a grave mistake, Father Brady.”
“That may be so. However, Gail is not a mistake. What I did was morally and criminally wrong. However, my daughter is a precious gift from God. Her young life is pure, and I will not tarnish it with my transgression. Your letter devalues her life. I have made my decision, and I ask that you accept it.”
I am in a state of shock. My life as a priest is over. Father Mallard will not force me to sign that agreement. I would rather walk away from the only life I’ve known rather than devalue Gail’s life.
After packing my few belongings, I leave the rectory and realize I have no transportation. I call Mary. “Can you pick me up outside the church? I no longer have a car.”
“What happened, John? You sound funny.”
“My life as a priest ended today.” I relay the conversation I had with Father Mallard. “I don’t know what to do Mary. The priesthood has been my life for nineteen years. In my heart, I could not sign his letter. I am tired of burying the past. It is eating away at my soul. Please, I cannot discuss this. Can you pick me up?”
“Stay where you are. I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”
Jennifer Harrison was unpacking the flowers she intended to plant in the church’s garden when she saw Father Brady sitting on the steps outside the church. He looked troubled, and she hesitated to approach him. They’d had a few brief conversations over the last few weeks, and John asked her if she had the time volunteer a few hours a week to work in the garden. Jennifer loved gardening and happily agreed to help. After she had unpacked the car, she walked over to Father Brady.
John sat on the church steps and waited for his sister. All of his plans for this parish came to a screeching end. His life once again took a detour, only this time, he was at peace with his decision. It surprised him to see Jennifer Harrison sit down next to him. She reached out to touch his arm.
“Father Brady, are you alright? You look sick.”
Startled, John turned to face her. “No, Mrs. Harrison, I am not fine.”
“What happened? Can I help you?”
Can she help me? I want so much to unload the weight that is crushing me. “Have you ever made a decision knowing that it would change your life to protect someone you love?”
“Haven’t we all made that decision at one time or another in our life? I know I have. What happened Father Brady? Please know that you can trust me. I would never betray your trust.”
“Thank you for your concern, Mrs. Harrison. I appreciate your kindness.”
“Please call me Jennifer. Mrs. Harrison is my mother-in-law. Give me your phone.”
John handed the phone to her, and she programmed her number. “If you need a friend, please call me.”
As John watched her walk away, he looked down at his phone. He did need a friend, someone that he could confide in, someone that he could trust. Could he trust her? Deep in thought, he did not hear Mary’s question.
“John, did you hear me?” She noticed the suitcase sitting on the ground. “Are you going somewhere?”
“Please sit for a moment and I will tell you what happened this morning.” I once again tell my sister what happened this morning. How many times do I have to discuss this?
“So, does this mean you are no longer a priest?”
“The process of being released from my obligation is not that simple. It will be several months before the church releases me from my duties. As of today, I can no longer perform services. I have no other choice. That letter was an insult to not only my faith, but to Gail. Everyone wants to ignore the truth. I am Gail’s father, and it hurts more than I can say that I will never be a part of her life.”
“Come home with me. You can live with me until you are released from your obligation to the church. Are you anxious about having dinner with Lydia? We can cancel if you feel uncomfortable?”
“No, I want to have dinner with them. I want to resolve this turmoil and move on with my life. I am happy they feel comfortable enough to invite me into their home. I will admit I feel a little nervous seeing Gail.”
“Speak from the heart John. You are no longer that person.”
Lydia’s hand shook as she tried to dry her hair. In frustration, she threw the brush across the room. Adam picked it up and walked over to her.
“If you want to cancel dinner, let me know and I will call John. You don’t have to go through with this if it makes you feel nervous.”
Lydia sighed. “I want to get past this, and the only way to do this is to have John speak to everyone. I know he is not the same person. I know it has been nineteen years, but in my mind, the memories are new.”
“Do you want me to be in the room when he speaks to Gail?”
“We need to ask her how she feels. If she is ok being alone with John, then we should give her privacy. I am sure he will be in the hot seat for several hours. There is no need to make the situation tense for Gail by having you guard her like a rabid dog.”
Adam laughed. “I guess I’ve been growling a lot this week.”
“Yes, it goes against the grain. However, papa bear protecting his cubs is rather intimidating.”
“That’s what I do the best honey, protect what’s mine. Now, hurry up and dry your hair. You are turning into a fur ball.”
Gail laughed and turned on the hair dryer. Adam left her to it and went downstairs to talk to Gail. He found her sitting in her wheelchair, laptop in hand. “Hey Dad, I love this laptop. Thanks again for buying it for me. Bobby hooked up a USB cable that connects to the CCTV. I can have my lessons scanned and emailed to me at the end of each class. Isn’t technology great?”
Adam remembered a time when computers had large metal monitors and heavy keyboards. “It looks like your brother has you all hooked up and ready to go. Are you happy with the set-up? We can always move things around if you are not comfortable. You’ll be living here for the foreseeable future, and we want you to be comfortable.”
“Don’t change a thing Dad. I love the setup.”
“Are you ready for John’s visit? Do you have your questions prepared?”
Gail nodded and reached into her pocket for her post-it note. “I hope I can get through this without crying. I am so angry that he hurt Mom. Everyone keeps saying that he is a different person, but until I hear and see it for myself, I won’t be able to forgive him.”
“If you don’t want to be alone with him, tell me, and I’ll sit in the corner.”
“I think I’ll be ok. Don’t stray too far from the family room. I may need you.”
“I’ll be near you in the event you need me.”
John hesitated as he approached their house. Adam, hearing their car pull into the driveway, h
ad already opened the front door. Adam extended his hand to his brother. He immediately noticed that he was not wearing clerical clothing. John’s hand shook as he returned the greeting. “Thank you for inviting me into your home. I am humbled and grateful that you invited me.”
Adam had to admit that their previous encounters were tense, and this was the first time he saw John somewhat relaxed. Mary, sensing his nervousness, hugged him tightly. John, not accustomed to feeling loved, stiffened briefly. Mary whispered to him, “I love you, John. You will always be my brother. Try to relax.”
John nodded briefly and wrapped his arms around her. “You humble me with your forgiveness, Mary. I love you too.”
Lydia watched their loving exchange and relaxed. Yes, he was a different man, and as she prayed for strength, she walked up to John and welcomed him into her home. “I am happy you are here John. I hope to use this time to heal the tension within our family. I thought it would be easier to address our issues without Margaret and Colin being present. Adam and I will speak to them another time. This night is for us alone.”
“Yes, I agree. We need to resolve the hurt that exists within our family. Since I am the cause of so much pain, I want to be the catalyst that heals old wounds. If it is ok with you, I would like to speak to everyone now. I will talk to Gail privately after dinner. What I have to say now, everyone needs to hear.”
Several minutes later, everyone congregated in the family room. Adam and Lydia sat on either side of Gail, the two of them holding her hands.
John reached into his suit jacket and retrieved his rosary beads. He found it comforting rolling the beads in his hands. “So much has happened these past few days that has tested my faith in God beyond its limits. Colin is correct when he said that I used the church to hide. I also used the church to live.”
“I knew returning to Philadelphia would be a challenge for me. I never imagined the turmoil that once surrounded me still existed. I speak from the heart when I say that I love you, and I am terribly sorry for the pain I’ve caused all of you.”
John moved closer to Gail. Adam felt her hand tense in his, and he gave her a gentle squeeze of assurance that he would protect her. “Gail, what I regret most at this moment is the hurt, confusion, and a healthy dose of anger that you feel towards me. It breaks my heart seeing those emotions on your beautiful face. I know you have many questions that need answering, and I promise to respond truthfully. You hold a special place in my heart. I sincerely regret my actions but have peace knowing you have two wonderful parents who love and cherish you. You will always be their child, not mine.”
“I am sure all of you have noticed that I am not wearing clerical clothing. I promised myself there will be no more lies, and so I will tell all of you the truth. I requested a sabbatical, and Father Mallard approved my request with the stipulation that I sign, for lack of a better word, a gag order. The circumstances of my entering the priesthood are in my permanent file, however; I have not discussed this with anyone since I was ordained a priest.”
“I have kept this truth to myself for nineteen years. Why would I shame my family after all of these years? I ran to prevent that from happening. I felt that by signing, I was acknowledging that the life of this sweet, beautiful girl was a mistake. What I did was a mistake on so many levels; however, Gail is a gift from God. By my refusal to sign, I have been relieved of my priestly duties. In effect, I am no longer a priest. I do not regret my decision.”
Lydia had to address the elephant in the room. “Have you done this to anyone else since you’ve been a priest, John? Have you hurt another innocent victim?”
Dear God, how could she ask me such a question? I feel sick. My throat burns as the bile chokes me. I am going to be sick, and run to the kitchen. Leaning over the sink, I try to control the urge to vomit. My entire body shakes as my stomach cramps. I lose the fight and become violently sick. I do not know how long it takes me to stop being sick. I’m dizzy and lightheaded. I make it to the table and sit with my head lying on top of the table.
Mary hears his retching and turns a murderous stare towards Lydia. “How could you do that to him, Lydia? I know you are angry. I get it. That doesn’t give you the right to insinuate John is not a dedicated priest. Hasn’t he apologized a dozen times this past week?”
“I have every right to question him Mary, and you know it! I don’t give a shit if he’s upset!”
Mary took a few steps towards Lydia, and Adam got in the way. “That’s enough Mary. Get John and go home.”
I feel Mary’s hand caress the back of my head, and a sense of peace envelops me. Mary loves me, and her love gives me the strength to move forward. I rinse my mouth again, straighten my jacket and hold my head high as I walk back to the family room. Mary whispers to me, “I’ll always have your back, John.” I squeeze my sister’s hand. “Thank you, Mary. Your support means the world to me.”
I feel like I am taking the walk of shame as I approach Lydia. No one can look at me, and I want to get out of this house. I’ve done what I can, and if they never forgive me, I will live with their decision. I stand before Lydia and I am angry. I need to make myself clear to everyone in the room.
“Lydia, what you said to me is very upsetting. I understand you feel angry for what happened between us, but that does not give you the right to question my faith, to question my commitment to Our Lord Jesus Christ. I am a devout priest. I never have nor would I ever hurt anyone. You do not understand how your question has affected me. It made me physically ill. You will never understand how hard I worked to change my life, and if you cannot see who I am now, then I don’t know what to do. I am tired Lydia. I am sick of the constant struggle to prove myself. That’s all I have to say to all of you.”
I kneel one last time in front of my daughter and pray for my family. When I finish my prayer, I rise from my kneeling position and silently walk out of the room. Everyone took a moment to reflect and remained quiet. John’s weeping broke the silence.
Mary walked out of the family room and froze when she witnessed John laid prone on the floor arms outstretched. Lying prone is an old ritual priests performed when seeking forgiveness.
My sister kneels next to me and I feel her comforting hand run down my back. Her gentle touch breaks me. “Will they ever forgive me? How long do I have to live with this guilt? It burns my soul.”
Mary looked up to see everyone standing in the doorway. Lydia walked over to John, knelt next to him, and held his hand. “Please John, get up off the floor. While I hate what you did to me, I love my daughter. The memories haunt me, and I do not want to live my life with this hanging over me. You want my forgiveness; you have it on one condition. Stay away from my family. I forgive you, John. However, I will never forget the betrayal of the trust that I placed in you.”
When John refused to move, Adam said, “John, come with me. We need a moment alone.” Reluctantly, John followed his brother into the kitchen. Adam poured a little Scotch in two glasses and gave one to John. “I want so much to hate you, John. My mind has been racing all week. I contemplated legal action to make you pay for what you did to my wife. Seeing you like this has me conflicted. I know you feel regret for your actions. Seeing you on the floor crying did something to me. It amazes me that my wife, the victim, can so freely forgive you when all I feel is anger.”
“Let me make myself crystal clear. If you hurt my daughter or my wife, I will ram my fist down your throat, and I promise you will feel intense pain. Say what you have to say and move on. I do not want you hurting my family. I suggest you speak to Gail and leave.”
John nodded. “I understand Adam. The last thing I want to do is hurt Gail. My life has drastically changed in the past twenty-four hours. If I have to leave Philadelphia for her to feel at peace, I will do so. There is no need for violence. My face still hurts from the last time you punched me.”
Adam spat out, “Remember that pain because the next time I hit you, it will be much worse.”
John nodde
d and left the kitchen. He continued walking into the family room. Gail was lying on the bed and tensed when she saw him. “Gail, I must leave soon, and wanted to know if there is anything that you would like to ask me. I’ve pretty much said what I needed to say.”
Gail stared at him for several tense seconds. “Every question that I had for you has been resolved in my mind. Your explanation of what happened does not absolve you from the fact that you hurt my mother. How do you think I feel knowing I was the product of a rape? How do you expect me to resolve this in my mind? How do you think I feel when I look at my Dad, knowing that I am not his biological daughter? He has loved and protected me my entire life. He will always be my dad and I want you out of our lives. You ask for forgiveness, and I can’t give it to you!”
Once again, John nodded and left the room. Everyone heard Gail’s conversation and remained silent. Standing by the front door, he said, “I have said what I came here to say. Thank you for allowing me to speak to all of you. May God watch over you, all the days of your life.” He closed the door behind him and walked to his sister’s car.
Mary turned to everyone with anger in her eyes. “How long do you expect John to seek forgiveness? Why do you find it so difficult forgiving my brother? Has he not begged long enough to satisfy you? What more does he have to do to satisfy you, crucify himself? Even convicted criminals have a second chance at a normal life. His life as a priest is over because he wants to protect Gail.” She stormed out of the house and found John leaning against the car. His face looked drained of color, his eyes, dull and lifeless.
Mary pointed a finger at him. “You listen to me, John! Today is the last time you will beg anyone for forgiveness! You have proven to everyone that you are sorry for what happened. What else do they expect of you? Lydia says she forgives you. Adam and Gail will never do so. I don’t know how everyone else feels, but at this point, I don’t care how everyone else feels. I only care about my brother, and this self-inflicted torture ends today! You have a full life ahead of you. If you feel the need to leave the city, do it.”
The Confession Page 11