“As the years passed, those feelings faded, and I was happy with my life. Everything changed when I knew I was Gail’s father. My heart is happy knowing that when I leave this earth, a part of me lives on through Gail. I never want her to feel ashamed of how she came to be. I look at her, and I want to cry. She is a beautiful young woman. She deserves to have a happy life, and if that means I have to go back to California, I will do whatever it takes to make her happy. Adam, you are her father, and it makes me happy knowing you will always love and protect her. Give these papers to your lawyer and make her yours forever.”
No one knew that Gail was sitting on the other side of the wall and heard their conversation. She wheeled herself back into the family room and cried, and everyone heard the crying. John looked at Adam and rose from the table. “I think I need to talk to her. Is that ok with you?”
Adam nodded his approval and John left the kitchen. Gail was sitting in her wheelchair, facing the television. She looked up when she heard John knock on the sliding door. “Gail, is it ok if I talk to you for a few minutes?”
“Yeah, come in. I want to speak to you too.”
John approached her hesitantly and sat on the edge of the sofa. Instinctively, he reached for his beads. “Gail, I have so much to say to you, and yet somehow, I find it hard collecting my thoughts. I know you heard what I said to Adam. Everything I said comes from my heart. I am proud of you, and yes, I am happy that you are my daughter. However, knowing that you are my daughter does not give me the right to interject myself into your life. The last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed of how you came to be.”
“Your life is a precious gift from God, and I want you to live a happy life. I am at peace knowing you have two parents who love you unconditionally. I know you dislike me, and I can live with that because I know your parents and brother love you. I want you to remember that Uncle John also loves you. You will always be in my prayers Gail, for as long as I live.”
Gail sat for several minutes as she absorbed his words. “I know you regret what happened with my mother, but I can’t get past the fact that my conception was the result of un-consensual sex. How do I get past this? It makes me feel inferior, and I don’t like feeling this way.”
John walked over to her and knelt in front of her wheelchair. “I want you to listen to me Gail, and never forget what I am about to say. I never want you to say that again about yourself. You are not inferior. You are a precious gift from God. I am the one that is to blame, not you, or your mother. I am at fault and I have struggled for so many years with the guilt that followed me wherever I went. I am no longer a priest because I want to protect you from the backlash. I do not regret my decision, because when I look at your beautiful face, the ugly memories of the past fade from my mind and soul. Please be happy Gail. It’s all I ever want for you.”
John left Adam’s house with a heavy heart. Signing away his parental rights was the only option. In his heart, he will always be Gail’s father. Depression and sadness gripped his heart. He remembered Jennifer’s offer of help. John no longer had the comforting isolation of the church. He once again drove the familiar streets to his father’s house. He wanted to speak to his father.
It was well past nine in the evening when John parked the car. The lights were still on, so he knew his parents were still awake. He hesitated to ring the doorbell and was startled when Colin opened the door.
“Don’t look surprised. I saw you getting out of the car. Did you forget that I am a night owl? Come in. What are you doing here at this time of night? Are you ok?”
“No Dad, I can honestly say that I am not ok. I feel lost, and the first person I thought of was you. I wanted to see you, to talk to you. I need help, and I have nowhere to go.”
“Come into the kitchen and I will make us a cup of tea. Your mother made banana bread yesterday. Sit down and talk to me, John. How can I help you?”
“I feel lost Dad. It made me so angry when Father Mallard insisted I sign the confidentiality disclosure. The fact that he did not trust my judgment hurts. I have kept this secret for nineteen years. What made him believe I would put Gail in the spotlight? I would never hurt her, or embarrass the family. What happened is personal, and a private family matter. I do not like ultimatums, and I willingly walked away from the church. What do I do now? I have no skills. I have no money. I have…nothing, and I am scared.”
“Let us help you. Pack your bags and move in with us. We will help you start a new life. Please, John, I need you near me. We have wasted too many years, and this is our time to reconnect.”
John stared at his father with tears in his eyes. Finally, he felt loved and it was a humbling feeling. “I would like to stay with you and Mom for a few months. I have to figure out what to do with the remainder of my life.”
“Sleep here tonight, and tomorrow you can move in. Your mother will be so happy seeing you sitting at the kitchen table tomorrow morning. I remodeled your old room, and we use it as a guest bedroom. Make yourself comfortable son. Our home is your home. I have an extra key for you, and you can use your mother’s car. I don’t know why she talked me into buying it for her. She never drives the damn thing. Come with me, and I will get you settled in your room, and lend you a pair of pajamas.”
Life for me has come full circle. At the age of forty-eight, I am back in my childhood bedroom, depending on Mom and Dad to support me. What do I do now? The church has been my life for so many years. How did everything fall apart so quickly? As I lay awake staring at the ceiling, my thoughts drift to Jennifer Harrison. Her kindness and offer of help were so thoughtful. I need a friend, someone that I can confide in. Will she talk to me if I call her? My finger hovers over her phone number. Taking a deep breath, I call her.
“Hello, Jennifer, this is John Brady. I hope I am not calling at an inopportune time. I realize that it is late at night.”
She laughed. “It is only ten thirty Father Brady. Olivia finally fell asleep, and I have a solid hour to read. How are you, Father? I have been thinking about you.”
“Did you mean what you said the other day, about wanting to be my friend?”
“Yes, I did. I know something profound happened to you, and I will gladly listen, should you care to share it with me.”
Taking a leap of faith, I tell Jennifer everything. She cried for me, and the sound of her crying broke something in me. “Please, do not cry for me, Jennifer. My decision was easy. Gail is the most important person in my life, and I would never do anything to hurt her. I just feel lost. The church has been my life for nineteen years. What do I do with my life?”
“Have you thought about converting to another religion? My neighbor is a member of The Faith Baptist Church, and she told me their pastor’s wife recently died, and he wished to retire. You can still serve God John. Christianity is one of many religious beliefs. Find one that makes you happy.”
“I must be released from my duties as a priest before I can consider another religious calling. It will take at least a year before the Vatican releases me.”
“What will you do while you are waiting?”
“There is not much that I can do. Technically, I am still a priest. I cannot seek employment. I have limited financial resources, and tomorrow, I’m moving in with my parents.”
“Are you allowed to have dinner next week with a friend and her children?”
“I think dinner with a friend would be fantastic.”
“I should warn you that Olivia and Jason are a handful. Be prepared for screaming, food throwing, and general insanity. I love my babies, but by the end of the day, I need this hour or two of total silence.”
“I think I can handle it, Jennifer. Can I bring anything?”
“If you want to make brownie points with my children, bring ice cream, preferably strawberry.” Jennifer gave him her address and said goodnight. John fell asleep with a smile on his face.
John spoke to Jennifer every day for the remainder of the week. It
amazed him how quickly they became good friends. They met once or twice during the week for coffee and fell into a comfortable routine. Late night calls when the children were sleeping were his favorite part of the day. John felt a growing affection for her and wanted more than friendship with Jennifer.
“I feel like I’ve known you all my life,” John said as he reclined against the headboard.
“So do I John, and we’ve only known each other for nine days, not counting a few times we spoke at church. I like talking to you.”
John closed his eyes and took a leap of faith. “Do you realize you are my first female friend? Doesn’t that sound incredibly juvenile at my age?”
Jennifer laughed. “No, it doesn’t. Your life is changing, and friendships are important. I can’t believe I’m saying this. I want more than friendship with you John. What do you want?”
Without hesitation, he said, “I want you.”
Silence filled the space between them. Jennifer sighed into the phone. “That’s ok with me because I didn’t want to throw myself at you.”
“If you did, I would catch you.”
“Would you really catch me, John?”
“Yes, I would.”
“Good to know. Don’t be late for dinner.”
John laughed. “I wouldn’t dream of being late. Sleep well Jennifer.”
Dinner with Jennifer and the children was chaotic. Jason stared at John as if he had a third eye. “Who are you?”
“My name is John, and I am a friend of your mommy.”
“What kind of friend?” Jason asked timidly.
“I hope to be a good friend.” He looked at Jennifer and smiled.
“Ok. Can you be my friend?”
“I would like to be your friend.”
“What about me?” Olivia cried. “Can you be my friend too?”
“Sure. I can be friends with both of you. Would you like that?”
Two five-year-old dynamos flew at John. He laughed and scooped them up in his arms.
“Children, please let John finish his dinner. You can have play time after you’ve finished eating dinner.”
Something shifted within John. He couldn’t describe the feeling. Holding these two precious children in his arms felt natural to him as if they belonged to him. It was a feeling so foreign to John, he felt like weeping.
Jennifer noticed the look on his face and became concerned. Leaning towards him, she whispered, “Are you ok? You have the strangest look on your face.”
“No, I am not ok.” John rose from the table and left the room.
“Mommy, where is John going?” Olivia asked. “Doesn’t he want to play with us?”
“Finish your dinner sweetheart, and I will talk to John. Take your plates into the kitchen when you are done eating, and put them on the table.”
Jennifer walked to the front door and saw John leaning against the porch railing, and it looked like he was crying. His hands covered his face, and his body shook. Not knowing what to do, she walked out onto the porch and wrapped her arms around his body. “It’s ok to feel emotional John. What can I do to help you?”
Another sob escaped him and he wrapped his arms around her soft body. “I felt something when I held Olivia and Jason, and it scared me. Holding you like this seems natural to me. I’ve suppressed these emotions for so long, and I don’t know how to be anyone other than a priest. I don’t know how to relate to a woman in a relationship.”
“Let’s take it one day at a time, and get to know each other. If I do something, will you go with it and not fight whatever you may feel?”
“Why does your question scare me?”
“Would you pull away from me if I kissed you?”
“No, Jennifer. I will not pull away from you. That’s all I’ve been thinking about since I walked into your house. You look beautiful in that dress. Please kiss me.”
Jennifer reached up to stroke the side of his face. She ran her fingertips over his smooth cheek. Her lips soon followed, and she peppered his face with light kisses. “Does this feel okay John?”
“Yes,” he whispered, as his lips met hers. An explosion of emotions flooded his senses. Long suppressed desires heated his blood. An uncomfortable tightness in his groin had John leaning away from her body. He didn’t want her to feel what was happening to him. He parted his lips and felt the gentle touch of her tongue against his. It felt like a door had opened, and that when he stepped through it, he was no longer a priest. He was a man with sexual desires. Their first kiss was soft, warm, and passionate.
Several minutes later and thoroughly aroused, John finally found the strength to pull away from her. His face was flushed, his breathing shallow. He turned away from her in an attempt to adjust himself. He didn’t fool her. She knew what was happening to him. John felt her arms wrap around him again. “You’re aroused, aren’t you?”
“Yes, and it is very painful. What I am feeling now is so foreign to me. I haven’t felt this way for many years. I’m scared Jennifer. I don’t know how to be just a man.”
“John, everything feels foreign to you. Your life up until a few weeks ago was structured, orderly, and predictable. What you are experiencing now is entirely normal. You’re scared and anxious about the future. I totally understand your fear. After my husband had died, I felt lost. I had two babies, a mortgage, and no job. There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed. Mrs. Mancini next door would babysit for me when I needed help. Those were some of the darkest days of my life. I am proud of what I’ve accomplished the past four years. It wasn’t easy, but every time I look at my beautiful babies, I feel blessed. Things happen in our lives for a reason. How you react to these feelings is totally within your control.”
John turned to face her and placed his hand over his erection. “I am embarrassed Jennifer. I feel like an adolescent going through puberty.”
“Sit down and calm yourself. We have plenty of time to get to know each other. For as handsome as you are, you’re not getting near my panties for at least three months.”
“I don’t know how to respond to that statement.”
Jennifer laughed and kissed his cheek. “You’ll think of something.”
Chapter 17
Two months later
“Gail honey, your appointment is in one hour. What are you doing in there? Do you need help getting dressed?”
“I’m moving as fast as I can Mom. Can you help me with my shorts? I can’t get the leg past the cast.”
Lydia laughed as she helped her daughter get dressed. “In a few hours, this monstrosity will be gone, and you can finally have a little more freedom. Daddy has the car packed, and as soon as we get home, we will officially be on vacation. Your brother has been driving me crazy all week.”
Gail laughed. “All of us need this vacation, Mom. I for one cannot wait to get the hell out of this house. Being stuck in this room for so long has me bat shit crazy. I need a vacation.”
“Your father has our itinerary all planned out. Let’s see, if I remember correctly, it's eating, sleep, eat more food, lay in the sun, and of course, eat more food.”
Adam heard them talking as he entered the room. He leaned down and whispered in her ear. “You forgot one important thing besides the eating and sleeping.”
“What did I forget?”
“You forgot the loving sweetheart, and I intend to make it memorable, in more ways than one.”
Lydia felt the blush creep up her neck and spread across her face. Gail roared with laughter. “Mom, what did he say to you? Your face is beet red.”
“Never mind what your father said to me. We need to get you to your appointment.”
Adam shrugged his shoulders and laughed. God, it felt so good to laugh again. The past two months had many highs and lows. Lydia slept through the night without the nightmares. Gail’s recovery progressed on schedule, and therapy starts after their vacation. Bobby, as usual, was a goofball and he never left Gail’s side. He stuck to her like glue and made her recovery
less painful.
The most dramatic change was with John. He met with the clergy of The Faith Baptist Church, and they agreed that once John’s obligation no longer existed, they would welcome him into their church. John was honest with them about the events of his past.
His relationship with Jennifer grew stronger day by day. He soon realized that he loved her and the children. John spent many hours at her house. He loved the noise, the laughter, bath time, and the bedtime stories. When Olivia refused to go to bed, John picked her up and cradled her in his arms.
“Why are you so fussy little Olivia? Are you afraid to go to sleep? Do you want me to sit with you?”
“I like it when you play with me.”
“I like it too, but you also need to sleep. How do you think little girls grow into big girls? They need to rest.”
“Do you like little girls?”
“I like one particular little girl. Can you guess who she is?”
“Is it me?”
“Yes it is, and if you go to sleep now, I will take you, Jason, and mommy to the zoo tomorrow. Would you like to see the horses?”
“Mommy, can we please go to the zoo? I’ll be good and go to bed now.”
Jennifer laughed. “Ok, pumpkin, go to sleep, and tomorrow we will go to the zoo.”
Olivia squirmed out of John’s arms and ran to her bedroom. Jennifer and John followed. Olivia opened her closet door and pulled out an outfit. “Olivia, what are you doing?”
“I want to look pretty for John.”
Tears welled in John’s eyes. He quickly said goodnight to Olivia and left the room. Several minutes later, Jennifer found him sitting on the front porch. He was still crying.
The Confession Page 14