The Confession

by Jeanette Muscella

  Upon standing, Margaret wrapped her arms around John and held him tightly. John shook with emotions so fierce, it brought tears to his eyes. Hand in hand, they walked back to the house. The remainder of the week passed in relative peace. By the end of the week, John’s decision to resign was firm in his mind. Colin gave him enough money to buy new clothing, and he asked Bobby to come with him. They drove to the outlet stores in Atlantic City. Adam joined them and it was a relaxing day.

  As they walked the boardwalk, Bobby asked, “Uncle John, do you feel weird buying all of these clothes? I mean, you have been wearing black for twenty years. I have to say you rock in cargo shorts and a muscle shirt. Who knew you were so buff? Do priests actually work out in the gym?”

  Ok, everyone stopped walking and stared dumbly and Bobby. The smile that crossed John’s face was infectious. He laughed so hard he had to sit down on the nearest bench. “Where do you get these questions, Bobby? If you must know, yes, I do work out and thank you for the compliment.”

  “When are you leaving? Can you stay until we leave on Monday?”

  “Well, I was going to ride back with Mom and Dad, but I would like to have a few more days. I have been struggling with my resignation letter.”

  “Dad and I can help you compose it.”

  “Thank you, Bobby, but I feel I must do this alone. Adam, I would like for you to read it once I’ve finished.”

  “Sure, I can do that,” Adam said. “As long as you are comfortable sharing it with me.”

  “Um guys,” Bobby said, “I’m like starving. Can we get something to eat before I pass out?”

  “I think that's an excellent idea son, and lunch is on me.”

  “Great, now I can eat like a pig!”

  John said goodbye to his parents the following day, and the house was quiet. Gail retreated to the solitude of her bedroom, preferring to avoid everyone. Her leg always ached, and she was not good company. To break the ice, John brought her a big cup of water ice. He knocked gently on the bedroom door.

  “Gail, I have water ice. Would you like some?”

  “What flavor do you have?” she yelled through the door.

  “I have mango. I’ve been told it’s your favorite flavor.”

  “Ok, you can come in.”

  Gail stared at John as he entered her room. He kept the door open, which eased the discomfort she felt being near him. He handed the cup to her and turned to leave the room. “Why are you leaving the church?”

  Surprised by her question, John turned and approached her bed. “It’s complicated Gail, but I will try to explain it to you. First, let me say that it is not my wish to make you uncomfortable. I want to answer your question honestly. The main reason I am leaving the church is that I no longer feel happy with my life. I made the decision to become a priest for the wrong reasons. We all know what drove me from home. I struggled for many years in an attempt to find my place in this world. Whether it was right or wrong, my life became for lack of a better word, complacent. I lived a certain way, took no risks, and lived a solitary life. It suited me at the time and became a way of life that felt comfortable.”

  “When I returned to Philadelphia, my life changed dramatically. I wanted to run back to my life of solitary confinement. I found it difficult dealing with the turmoil, and when Adam told me that you were my daughter, I wanted to scream why? I knew this would upset everyone’s life, and I was once again the cause. There are also internal conflicts between Father Mallard and myself. As you know, I requested a sabbatical to resolve a few internal conflicts, and my approval was contingent upon conditions that I could not live with.”

  “The shooting changed everything for me and made me realize that my life, up to this point in time felt empty. I was hiding behind church doors, and for the first time, I felt like I was hiding. My faith was tested and I failed miserably. I also realized that I wanted more of life. I have to be honest when I say I am proud that you are a part of me. I know this makes you uncomfortable, and I am sorry that you are upset. It changed me knowing I fathered a child. It also made me want a family. I want a wife and children. I want a family that I can love, and who will love me. It’s not too late for me, and this the reason why I am resigning.”

  “Gail, I will always be Uncle John to you, and I am happy in that role. Adam is a wonderful man and father, and I am proud that he is also my brother. We have lost so much time over the years, and I want us to be close. I want your mother to look at me without fear in her eyes. I want you to see me without anger in your eyes. I want all of us to live in peace and be happy. I want to be happy, and the only way to do that is to live my life.”

  “Is it difficult leaving the priesthood?” Gail asked.

  “No, it’s not difficult, but it is a long process called Laicization. The church takes away my use of powers, rights, and authority. I cannot wear clerical dress, and I cannot perform ceremonies or administer the sacraments. I must petition the Archbishop, and ultimately The Vatican, to release me from my vows.”

  “Are you sad you’re no longer a priest, Uncle John?”

  John smiled. “No, I am not sad, just disappointed by the lack of faith Father Mallard has shown me. I would never put you in the spotlight. I would never let anyone harm you. My back was against the wall, and I made the only decision I could at the time. On the up side, I found Jennifer, Olivia, and Jason. They are my life, Gail. I love all of them. They make me happy, and I want to live the remainder of my life with them. Someday, Jennifer and I will be married. I anxiously await that day.”

  “Gail, if I ask you a question, will you answer me honestly?”

  “Yes, Uncle John. I’ll tell you the truth.”

  “Do I make you nervous being this close to you?”

  Gail had thought about it for a minute before she answered his question. “No, you don’t make me feel nervous. I just feel weird because no matter how I try to ignore it, I know you’re my biological father. I can call you Uncle, or whatever, but I can’t forget that you’re technically my dad. I don’t want to say this in front of Dad because it will hurt him. He’s tried so hard to make me feel safe and protected. I love him, and I don’t know how to act when I’m near you.”

  “Gail, I think for us to get past this, we need to be open and honest about our feelings. I am your Uncle, nothing more. Adam is your father because he has loved you since the day you were born. He is the only father you will ever know. What happened so long ago needs to stay in the past. None of us will have peace until we bury the ghosts of the past. Think about this Gail. You have a bright future ahead of you. Live your life, be happy, and know that your Uncle John loves you. I will always love you. Life is too short to relive past mistakes. Believe me; I have relived them for many years, and what I want more than anything is to move forward with my life. My life as a priest will end soon, and I look forward to the next chapter in my life.”

  “I’ll try Uncle John. I don’t want to feel hatred when I see you. I know my mom is feeling better because she’s not nervous around you.”

  “Thank you, Gail. You are a remarkable young woman. How’s the leg feeling today?”

  “It doesn’t hurt too much. I took off the boot this morning and mom helped me take a shower. I had to sit on one of those old people’s shower chair. I can’t move my ankle. I know therapy is going to hurt.”

  John laughed. “Tell me about it. I will need therapy for my shoulder once the wound heals. Why are you hiding in the house? Shouldn’t you be outside enjoying the sun?”

  “I can’t walk with crutches on the sand. I don’t want to fall and break the other leg.”

  “At least, you can sit on the front porch. If you go outside for a little while, I’ll get you another water ice.”

  “That sounds good. Will you sit with me, Uncle John?”

  “I’d love to sit with you.”

  John helped her to stand and walked behind her as she left the house. When Adam heard the screen door open, he looked up and was surprised to
see Gail. John followed her and helped her to sit. He propped up her leg on the ottoman.

  Adam looked at John. “How did you get her out of the house? I have been trying since we got here. She wouldn’t leave her room.”

  John laughed. “I bribed her with water ice.”

  Everyone laughed. The tension is slowly leaving everyone. John was optimistic about the future.

  John struggled for the remainder of the week and felt he finally had something that directly and succinctly conveyed his desire to start a new life while still holding on to the doctrines of his faith. He asked Adam and Lydia to read the letter. He felt guilty bypassing Father Mallard. He respected the priest; however, he could no longer live his life in limbo.

  To: Archbishop Christopher Davidson

  CC: Father William Mallard

  From: Father John Patrick Brady

  Subject: Laicization and release of vows

  Archbishop Davidson,

  It is with a heavy heart that I request Laicization and the release of my priestly vows. This decision does not come easy for me. My internal conflict with Father Mallard is also a factor in this decision. In my heart, signing a confidentiality agreement as a condition for sabbatical felt wrong to me. By now, you are aware of the reason for my refusal. I would never intentionally hurt Gail or my family. What transpired in my past is a family matter, and I intended to keep it that way. I felt like I was being blackmailed, and it troubled me deeply. What saddens me is the lack of trust Father Mallard placed in me.

  The past few months have awakened needs in my heart that I cannot ignore. I have found love, Archbishop Davidson, and I cannot separate my love for a woman and her children, with my love for the church. The woman who has touched me so deeply has two small children who need love and nurturing. It is my desire to love and protect them all the days of my life.

  Please accept this letter as my official resignation. I have petitioned Father Mallard on two separate occasions. He has refused to process my request, and as a result, I felt it was necessary to contact you directly. My life as a priest has been rewarding, but I feel the time has come to listen to my heart. I have found a way to serve God while having the family I so desperately want and need. My life is blessed, and my family has taken the first steps to healing old wounds. My life is full, and as I move forward, my love for God will always be a part of my existence.

  With respect and gratitude

  John Patrick Brady

  Lydia wiped her eyes and she handed the letter to John. Adam only nodded his approval. What they both felt for John was a far departure from the anger they felt for him previously. His honest and touching emotions have melted whatever residual anger they felt for him.

  Lydia spoke first. “Your letter was sincere and heartfelt and conveys your desire to start a new life. Jennifer and her children are lucky to have you in their lives.”

  Adam agreed. “We are also fortunate that you have returned to the family John. As I have said before, you are a changed man, and all that we want is for you to have a happy life.”

  “Thank you for your honesty. I spoke to Jennifer earlier today, and she is excited that this is finally happening, that we can begin our new life. I want that more than I can convey with words.”

  Chapter 19

  The following Monday, John prepared for his meeting and admitted to Jennifer that he was nervous. “My life has changed so much these past few months. I never imagined I would feel so happy. I love you Jennifer, but until I am no longer a priest, we cannot have an intimate relationship. I hope you understand and have the patience to wait until I am free from my vows. I am embarrassed to say this but feel like a virgin. I am treading in unfamiliar water, and I feel a little uncomfortable talking about this.”

  She laughed. “I know how you feel sweetheart. After Craig had died, I thought my heart would shrivel up and die. I swore I would never love another man, and resolved myself to living the remainder of my life alone. I had two small babies that needed their mother, and for the past four years, my focus has been on their wellbeing. You snuck up on my blind side John, and I never saw it coming.”

  “I knew you were a special man when you bonded with Olivia and Jason. They adore you, and they are happy and thriving. It’s hard explaining to them what happened to their father. Craig never wanted children because he knew the risks involved with military life. He made me promise to take care of them should something happen to him. I have tried so hard for the past five years to be a good mother to my babies. I work hard and provide a good home for them, but they lack the bond that only a father can provide.”

  “I know you love my children. I absolutely know you love me. What I feel for you goes beyond love John. It amazes me that I feel this way. We have only known each other for a few short months. We need this time to strengthen our relationship. I want to make love to you as your wife, and I will be patient. You do want to marry me, don’t you?”

  “Yes, my love, I want nothing more than to be your husband, to be a father to Olivia and Jason, and hopefully one day soon, have a child of our own.” John reached into his pocket and held in his hand a simple black velvet box. “Before I open the box, I need to tell you that I could only afford to buy you a ring from one of those TV shopping channels. My mother assures me that you will love it.”

  With a shaky hand, John slid the ring onto her finger. “Jennifer Harrison, you are the first and only love of my life. You have taken my lonely heart and filled it with a love so overwhelming it leaves me speechless. Will you please release me from my loneliness and become my wife? I will love you and our children for the remainder of my happy life.”

  “Oh John, yes I will marry you. My ring is so beautiful, and I will treasure it always. Olivia and Jason are a handful. I hope you are prepared for a ton of excitement.”

  Later that evening, after dinner, John and Jennifer spoke to the children. “Ok you two, sit still for five minutes. Mommy wants to talk to you.”

  Jason looked at her with a touch of fear in his eyes. “Are we in trouble Mommy?”

  Laughing, she said, “No honey. You are not in trouble. Mommy wants to talk to you about John.”

  Two sets of beautiful blue eyes looked at him. John squirmed in his seat, feeling like he was a bug under a microscope. Jason jumped off his chair, walked to John, and stood between his legs. His beautiful eyes glistened with unshed tears. “Are you going away, John? Please don’t go away.”

  “No, little man, I am not going away.” John lifted him and sat Jason on his lap.

  Jennifer opened her arms and Olivia crawled onto her lap as well. “I don’t understand Mommy. Are we in trouble?”

  “No sweetheart. Mommy wants to share something with you and Jason. John asked Mommy to marry him, and I said yes. This means that he will be your new daddy.”

  Jason looked up at John, apparently confused. “We already have a father in heaven. He is a hero.”

  “Yes, he is,” John said. “Your daddy was a hero and we will never forget him. I love your mommy, and I love you and Olivia. I want to be your new daddy. It would make me happy being your daddy.”

  Jason thought about this for a few minutes. “Ok. Can I watch cartoons?”

  John looked at Jennifer and laughed. “Well, that was easy. Yes, you can watch cartoons for thirty minutes, then it's bed time little man.”

  Apparently happy, Jason hugged John. “Bye Daddy,” he screamed as he ran towards the living room.

  Jennifer still held Olivia. “Honey, how do you feel about John being your new daddy?”

  “Will he live with us? I get sad when he leaves before we go to bed.”

  “Yes, sweetheart, John will live with us.”

  John opened his arms and Olivia ran to him. “I will be here every day chubby cheeks. We will be a family.”

  “You won’t go away like my other daddy?”

  “No Olivia. I will not go away like your other daddy. I will be your father for a long time.”

  Olivia bu
ried her face in his chest, and John felt something shift in the core of his being. He felt like a father for the first time in his life. It was a humbling feeling, and he would never forget this moment in time. He felt her little body relax in his arms. Rising to his feet, he carried her up to her bedroom. Jennifer pried Jason from the TV and took him to their room.

  Placing Olivia on her little princess bed, John knelt down and adjusted her blanket. Hot tears burned the back of his eyes. Olivia opened her eyes, and her beautiful blue eyes melted his heart. “Will you read me a story, daddy?”

  “What would you like to hear, chubby cheeks?”

  “Will you read me Pinocchio?”

  “Jason, do you want me to read Pinocchio?”

  “Yeah, I love Pinocchio!”

  “Ok, hurry up and put on your pajamas.”

  Several minutes later, John sat between the two beds and opened the book. Five minutes later, both children were sleeping peacefully. John turned on the night light and quietly left the room. “I wish they would stay awake long enough for me to finish the story. I loved Pinocchio when I was a child.”

  “You are going to be an excellent father. They love you and have already accepted you as their new father. Welcome to your new life. I hope you are prepared for bedlam!”

  John laughed. “I can’t wait. Will you come with me tomorrow morning? I would rather not do this alone. You won’t be allowed into the rectory, but knowing that you are waiting for me will give me comfort.”

  “There is no place that I’d rather be John. Will your parents watch the children?”

  “My mother will be more than happy to babysit. You have an open invitation.”

  John met with Father Mallard and showed him the letter. As expected, he was displeased with John’s decision. “You disappoint me, John. Why would you go directly to the Archbishop?”