As I Am
Page 6
Taz hadn’t realized you could be attracted to someone in any way other than sexually. “I meant it in the park when I said I wanted to kiss you. I still do.”
“So you do want to have sex with me?”
He had no idea how to answer that. Yes, I want to drag you into my bedroom and fuck you senseless. No, I’m scared of doing something to hurt you or make you afraid of me.
Will frowned. “I’ll take that as a no.”
“I do.” Taz couldn’t take it back now. “I do want to have sex with you.”
“But?”
He floundered for a good reason that had nothing to do with Will. “I haven’t had sex in two years. My body...isn’t how I remember it. And forget going out to meet someone, or even hooking up with an app. I couldn’t let a perfect stranger into my apartment, and no way would I make it to their place.”
Will stared, wide-eyed. “You haven’t had sex in two years? Damn, dude, you are way overdue.”
“Huh?” As responses went, that was kind of lame, but Taz was confused. And with confusion came defensiveness. “So? How long has it been since you had sex?”
“Five weeks.”
Taz nearly dropped his soda can. He had no idea what his face looked like, but Will went from surprised to angry in two heartbeats.
“What?” Will slammed his can down on the windowsill hard enough to slosh root beer over the rim. Hands on his hips, cheeks blazing, he snapped, “Yes, some horrible shit happened to me when I was younger, so that means what? I’m supposed to be hiding in my room, clutching to some false second virginity, waiting for a strong, protective, loving guy to come along and heal me with his magical penis? Fuck that.
“I’m no damsel in distress, and I’m not some wilting flower. I like sex and I own that. I also have fucking anxiety attacks over the stupidest shit, and I own that, too. I try my hardest every damned day to be a normal person, and that includes doing normal fucking things like having sex.”
Taz loved the firecracker that Will became when he went on the defensive, and he was a bit ashamed of himself for his assumptions about what Will did and didn’t want. What he could and couldn’t handle. “I’m sorry” was all Taz could think to say.
Apparently it was enough, because Will visibly relaxed. “Good.” Frowned. “But I guess it doesn’t really matter.”
“Why not?” A crushing thought occurred to him. “You aren’t attracted to me, are you?”
“Of course I am. It’s something else. God, I would love nothing more than for you to drag me into your bedroom and fuck me right now. But I can’t.”
Taz took a guess at that one and hoped he was right. “It’s okay. I don’t have any condoms on me, either.”
“I didn’t mean supplies, but that, too.” Will bit his lower lip. “I, um, promised my therapist no sex for three months, and I still have, like, seven weeks left on my monk status.”
“You promised your therapist?”
“It’s a complicated story, actually, and I don’t feel like talking about it tonight.”
Taz put his soda down as a flood of irritation hit him. They’d come here to talk in private, but so far he was doing most of the real sharing. Their friendship was new, sure, but it also felt incredibly one-sided. “Is there anything you do feel like talking about?”
“I’ve talked about stuff.”
“Surface stuff, like your job and housekeeping. I told you about college and meeting my dad, all very personal things. Every time we brush close to something personal to you, you shut it down and don’t want to talk about it.”
“Because I don’t.” Will crossed his arms. “I don’t want to talk about that stuff, because it makes me feel shitty, and I feel good around you and don’t want that to stop.”
“I don’t want you to feel shitty.” And it hadn’t escaped his attention that Will said he felt good around him. “It’s just, you say you trust me, but I don’t feel it.”
Will frowned. “Because I don’t want to bleed my shitty past all over your carpet?”
“Yes.”
“Dude, this is our first time meeting face-to-face. The only person I talk about my shit with is my shrink. Not the people I live with, not my coworkers. But you’re different, Taz. I feel like I could tell you some of that shit one day, but not today. Can’t it be enough that I could one day?”
Taz liked that Will was thinking about a hypothetical future in which they were still friends. Still talking and hanging out, and maybe someday becoming more. Acting on their mutual attraction.
In seven weeks, minimum.
“Can you at least give me more on this sex ban your therapist put on you?” Taz asked.
Will’s mouth puckered up like he’d tasted something sour, but he didn’t say no right away. He seemed to think on it. “I had a really hard time acknowledging and accepting that I’m gay. Because of the kind of abuse I went through, I got super confused about sex and attraction and what it all meant, and it took me a while to work through it with my therapist. Even after I’d accepted I was gay, I was terrified to act on it, and it wasn’t until six months ago that I even tried. I hung around outside a few gay bars and cruised, but I was never able to approach anyone. Not for a while.”
Taz soaked in the personal information flowing from Will, grateful to have him finally opening up a bit more about his life. So he didn’t interrupt.
“This February was the first time in my life I blew a guy because I wanted to,” Will said. “It feels weird to say something like that is life altering, but it was.”
“Because I wanted to.” Taz pulled hard on all kinds of violent things he wanted to do to everyone who’d ever made Will do something he didn’t want to do. To all the people who put those shadows in his eyes.
“Funnily enough, his name was actually Guy.” Will’s lips twitched, but he didn’t seem capable of smiling while telling this story. “He was older, in his thirties, and looking for fun. Nothing serious. We hooked up again, and then pretty regularly for a few weeks after. I got super comfortable with him. The sex was really good. He could go rough, but also be kind and gentle. I started depending on that connection we had, and that was my mistake, because in late April his long-term boyfriend came home from an extended business trip in Italy, and I got the boot.”
“He didn’t tell you he was in a relationship?” Taz asked, instantly outraged on Will’s behalf.
“No, but in fairness, I never asked. He said they had an open relationship and could fuck other people when they were apart for months at a time.” Will shrugged. “Guy was nice about dumping me, so I didn’t take it personally. Being with someone older, with experience, helped me take back my sexuality, I think. Made me realize sex wasn’t all about pain and humiliation.”
Taz bit the inside of his cheek as more rage coursed through him, aimed directly at the people in Will’s past.
“Sex for me became about pleasure, sure, but also power. I was the one allowing a guy to put his dick in my mouth. I was the one allowing him to fuck me. It was a rush, and after Guy I started going out to find it more often. For a while I fed the rush night after night, and it became an addiction.” Will blushed. “It’s so fucked-up that I can let a stranger shove his dick up my ass in a bathroom stall, but I get heart palpitations if someone stands too close to me in a public place.”
“No one ever said anxiety made sense.”
Will snickered softly. “Guess not. Anyway, last month during a session, Dr. Taggert noticed a hickey on my neck that I’d forgotten to hide. When he asked me, I told him everything. Guy and being with him and all of my anonymous hookups. We talked out why I was doing it, how dangerous it was, that it was sex for the wrong reasons. It’s why I agreed to a three-month moratorium on sex, and we went back to weekly sessions, instead of every other week, so we can really talk about it all.”
Taz wanted to wrap Will up in a hug and show him how much he appreciated everything Will had told him. He’d shed a few drops of metaphorical blood and that meant so much to Taz. And it helped him understand Will a little bit more than he had ten minutes ago. “Thank you. For explaining all of that.”
Will straightened, then stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Truth?”
“Always.”
“I know it sounds mean, but I’m a little surprised you’re so chill about this. The first time I told it all to Dr. Taggert, I called myself a whore when I was done, and I really meant it.”
“You’re not a whore.” Taz curled his hands into fists so he didn’t reach out and grab Will. Hold him still and make him see himself how Taz saw him. “You’re a survivor, and you’re still figuring out what that means. Anyone who’d call you a whore doesn’t understand what trauma does to a person’s perception of things. How we react to events and desires, and how we experience the world. Fuck them.”
Will sagged against the windowsill, a kind of relief and wonderment settling over him. His lips quirked into a half smile. “I kind of knew you’d react this way, be so accepting, but part of me was still scared you wouldn’t. That you’d call this whole thing off and tell me to leave.”
“Never. The best thing I ever did was reply to your chat request that first day, and there isn’t a thing in your past short of you committing mass murder that could change my mind about us being...whatever. Friends, if that’s all we ever are. More one day, if that’s what happens.”
“You say that now.”
“I say it now, and I’ll say it later. I’ll say it every time you tell me a secret you think is going to drive me away.”
“Thank you. It means more to me than you know.” He glanced out the window at the dark sky. “On that positive note, I should probably go.”
Taz rebelled at the idea of Will leaving. He wanted him to stay, but he understood why he couldn’t. “Okay. Do you want me to call you a cab?”
“No, I know this neighborhood. I’ll be fine walking.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Hey, give me your phone number.” Will whipped out his cell, and they exchanged contact information. “I’ll text you when I get home.”
“Good.” Taz would be able to sleep better with that reassurance. “Do you want to get together again?”
“Absolutely.” Will closed the distance between them. He raised his hand and very gently stroked the left side of his face. The nerves weren’t great there, but Taz felt the pressure anyway. “You aren’t ugly, Taz. You’re beautiful, inside and out. Please believe that.”
He wanted to, more than he could ever say. “I’ll do my best.”
“That’s all either one of us can do, right?”
“Right.”
He walked Will to the door, his insides quaking at the idea of sending someone he cared about out into the world alone. Especially at night. But Will moved with confidence and self-assurance, and Taz liked to think some of that was because of him. They each helped balance the other, and that was a rare, precious thing.
“Be careful out there,” Taz said.
Will winked. “Good night.”
“Night.”
Taz stood in the doorway, ignoring the sounds of someone screaming in Spanish and a baby crying elsewhere in the building, until Will disappeared into the stairwell. A door opened down the hall, and Taz quickly shut his. Turned both locks. Leaned his back against it while he carefully breathed his anxiety away.
He didn’t know where his relationship with Will was going to go, but for the first time in two years, Taz had hope for his future. A real future beyond fear and outside the walls he’d built around himself. A future with actual, genuine happiness in it.
And if he was lucky, maybe even love.
Chapter Four
Having therapy the day after his fantastic evening with Taz was both a blessing and a curse for Will. A blessing because it meant he could try and talk his way out of the no-sex promise he’d made five weeks ago. And a curse because everything with Taz still seemed so fragile that he hesitated to share it. He didn’t want anything to shatter what was still so breakable.
Hiding it from Dr. Taggert was impossible from the moment he walked into the shrink’s office, though, because Will had spent all day vibrating with nervous energy. And not the kind of nerves that came from his PTSD, but nerves over seeing Taz again. Getting to know him better. Knowing that just maybe, someone out there could love him, warts and all.
That he really, truly was more than a body to be fucked.
He plunked down in his favorite chair, then immediately began tapping his feet on the plush carpet.
“You look quite cheerful today,” Dr. Taggert said as he sat across from him.
“I am. Yesterday was probably the best day ever, even though I did have an anxiety attack because of work, but whatever.” The attack seemed totally unimportant now.
Naturally Dr. Taggert went there first. “What triggered this attack, Will?”
“Work.” He described the fund-raiser and being volunteered, going home and working through it.
“You know Sam would never put you in a situation she didn’t think you could handle.”
“I know, which is why the attack feels so stupid now. I mean, I get to work with Jonas again, which is cool. I don’t have a lot of details yet, but you know. It’s a fund-raiser setup, and it’s not like the whole crew will be strangers. I want to do this.” He needed to prove that he could.
Dr. Taggert smiled. “So tell me what made yesterday the best day ever.”
“Taz.”
“And what is that exactly?”
“Not a what, he’s a who.” Will squirmed a bit because he hadn’t told Dr. Taggert about the chat rooms. “After we agreed on the no-sex thing, I went online.” His shrink’s eyebrows went up. “Chatting only, not hookup sites or anything, I swear. I wanted to keep communicating with people, you know? And chatting seemed easier than, I don’t know, trying to start up a conversation in a coffee shop.”
“That makes sense. We didn’t agree to you becoming a hermit again, only to limiting your sexual activities.”
“It felt like a good compromise, since you can’t have sex with a computer. Well, I guess you can since people have private message sex chats and stuff, but that’s not what I wanted to do.”
“I take it Taz is someone you’ve been chatting with?”
“Yup.” Will couldn’t control his nervous giggle. “We’ve been chatting for about two weeks, and believe it or not, he’s got PTSD, too. And he has these episodes where he gets flashbacks and freezes up, and it’s so great talking to someone who gets it, you know? Who understands what PTSD is like and why something as simple as walking down a busy sidewalk can make me break out in a cold sweat. He’s great.”
“And you’re certain he is who he says he is?”
“Definitely. We met in person last night.”
“You did?” Dr. Taggert was working hard to keep his face neutral, Will could tell. “How did that go?”
“Well, we met in a public park. Neutral space. It was a lot harder on him, I think, because he doesn’t like leaving his apartment. He’s got scars on his face that I think he thinks are worse looking than they really are, so he stays inside. It took him so long to get to the park, I thought he’d stood me up, but then he was there and... I don’t know. I knew him, right away.”
“Because of his physical description?”
“That too, but it was like meeting someone for the first time that I’d known for years. We never really even touched, but I could feel him.�
�� Will cringed. “Christ, I sound like some romance novel heroine, don’t I?”
“You sound like a young man who’s had a profoundly emotional response to meeting a new person. Someone with whom you’d already established a bond.”
“We really did. Bond, I mean. He told me how he got his scars, and about meeting his dad for the first time two years ago, and that his mom is a bitch who abandoned him, and that he figured out he was bisexual in high school but kept it hidden for a long time because he wanted to be a wrestling star.”
“Sounds like Taz told you a lot about himself.”
“Yeah.” Will picked at the hem of his baggy T-shirt. “I kind of feel guilty that he told me so much, and all I really told him is my mom’s in prison and I was molested for a few years.”
“You told him you were molested?”
“I had to tell him something, but I didn’t want to go into detail. Still don’t.” His stomach soured at the pitying looks he’d probably get if he told Taz about how his mother sold his ass for drugs. That for two years he’d been a thing, a transaction, not a person, and sometimes he still forgot he was a human being deserving of love and support.
“What you went through is a difficult thing to speak about to anyone,” Dr. Taggert said. “And you don’t owe anybody an explanation, especially not someone you’ve known for two weeks.”
“Except I feel like I’ve known him longer than that. Plus I’m hella attracted to him.”
That got Dr. T’s laser focus. “Oh?”
“Don’t worry, we didn’t fuck. Believe me, I wanted to, and so did he, but I told him about our agreement and about why I couldn’t have sex with him yet.” Taz’s reaction to him going out and seeking hookups came back and irritated him all over again. He crossed his arms, finding some satisfaction in Taz’s stunned expression after Will ranted about waiting for a magical penis to save him.
“Care to share what you’re thinking so hard about?” Dr. Taggert asked.