by A. M. Arthur
“Assuming you have your reasons for not telling your boyfriend about your worst moment,” Romy said slowly, “two months is still pretty fresh for a new relationship. Brendan kind of knew mine going in, but I didn’t tell him any of the details until months later. I told him when it was right for me, and he was amazing. I mean, has, um...”
“Taz.”
“Right. Has Taz pressured you into telling him?”
“Not once. I mean, I vaguely told him, but not the details. Not the things that haunt my nightmares.”
“Telling Brendan my truth didn’t make the nightmares miraculously stop,” Romy said. “But it was a big step toward healing.”
“Christ, you sound like my shrink.
“Like I said, I had a pretty good therapist of my own. Some days are a struggle, other days I don’t even think about my past. I have a good life, and a man who loves me more than I think I deserve sometimes. Now I’m just paying it forward.”
“I appreciate it. A lot.” Will exhaled sharply through his nose. “Now I need to figure out how to get home.”
“Where’s home?”
He gave Romy the address to Carter House.
Romy whistled. “Yeah, you’re not close. I’d offer to drive you, but I don’t have the car. Brendan dropped me off.”
“It’s okay, I can find a bus route or something.”
“No way. If Brendan finds out I let you wander around, searching for a way home, he’ll be mad, and I’d rather avoid that.”
“Why would Brendan be mad?”
“Honestly?” Romy leaned across the table. “I see a lot of me in you right now. So let me do you a favor and get you a ride home, okay?”
Will had no response to that besides “Okay.”
“Good. Hang out a minute.”
Romy left the table. Will took the moment alone to get out his phone and call Taz. It rang until voice mail picked up. “Hey, I’m super worried about you right now, and I don’t know if you’re angry with me or not. I’m arranging a ride back to my place, since I don’t have a key to yours, and I have no idea where you are. Please call me. Or at least text me that you’re okay. I miss you.”
I love you sat on the tip of his tongue, but Will wasn’t going to say it for the first time in a voice mail. “‘Bye.”
He texted a brief version of the same message. Maybe one of the two would get a response from Taz.
Romy returned with Braids Dude from behind the counter in tow. “I couldn’t get up with Brendan, so Trace is going to drive you home and then come back.”
“Trace?” Will said.
Braids Dude held out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Hi. Um, Will.”
“Yeah, Romy said.” Trace had a pleasant face, and hints of tattoos peeked out from the short sleeves of his black Half-Dozen polo. “You ready to go?”
Will eyeballed him, not moving.
Romy laughed. “Don’t worry, Trace is one of the good ones, I promise. Don’t let the hair discourage you.”
“Fuck off, Myers,” Trace said. He was grinning, though, so the hair thing must have been a running joke. “Don’t worry, Will, you’re cute, but you’re not my type.”
Will couldn’t stop himself from asking, “What’s your type?”
“Ezra,” Romy said instantly. “But it’s understandable. I had a crush on him once, too.”
“I do not have a crush on Ezra,” Trace snapped.
“Who’s Ezra?” Will asked, a bit adrift in the conversation.
“Our boss, and one of the shop’s co-owners,” Romy replied. “But Ezra is superhot. He’s easy to crush on.”
Trace grunted. “I do not have a crush on him.”
“Whatever, dude. Will, I know we aren’t very close to your place, but if you’re in the neighborhood again, stop in and say hi, okay?”
“I will, thanks,” Will said. He liked the atmosphere of the coffee shop, and he enjoyed the easy camaraderie among the staff. Maybe he’d bring Taz with him next time.
Except, for the entire ride back to Carter House, Will’s phone stayed silent.
Chapter Fifteen
The persistent glare of a bright, focused beam of light scorching his eyeballs knocked Taz into complete awareness. He tried to swat the source of the light, but his movements seemed dulled. Distant. Like he wasn’t quite in control of his muscles.
“Mr. Zachary, can you hear me?” Female voice. Stranger.
The voice was also the source of the light. She put the penlight down, and a concerned woman with blond hair stared at him. He took in her coat with a name tag without really reading it. Paramedic. Instead of panicking, though, Taz started to pay attention. Something had happened. He needed to know what.
“I think he’s coming around,” the paramedic said.
Taz finally put it all together, and some of the fog around his brain lifted. He was sitting in the back of an ambulance. Behind the female paramedic was an older paramedic, a grizzled-looking guy who almost seemed bored by everything going on. And next to him, finally, a familiar face.
An unexpected but welcome face. Raymond Burke from the thrift store. He was watching with open concern, hands in his pockets, and he started smiling when Taz met his gaze. “There he is,” Raymond said.
“What happened?” Taz asked. He was exhausted, but nothing hurt. No aches or pains that concerned him anywhere in his body.
“We were hoping you could tell us,” the female paramedic said.
Taz shook his head, not understanding. He didn’t recognize the street they were on. The last thing he remembered was the cooking class. “I was with Will. How did I get here?”
“Walked, I’d guess,” Raymond said. “I nearly hit you with my van a little while ago. You were walking like you were in a trance, not looking where you were going. When I couldn’t get you to say anything, I called for some help in case you were hurt.” He narrowed his eyes. “Did someone hurt you, son?”
“No.” He didn’t think so, anyway.
“Do you have a history of blackouts, Mr. Zachary?” the older paramedic asked.
“No. Not blackouts, anyway. I have, um, PTSD, and sometimes I have these episodes where I just freeze up, but that’s what happens. I go away in my head, and I don’t move. I’ve never done this before.”
“Have you ingested any illegal substances recently?”
Taz glared at the guy. “No. I’m not high or tweaking.” And he’d been with Will. Will wasn’t with him anymore. “Shit, I need to find Will.” He tried to stand, but the female paramedic put a staying hand on his shoulder.
“Who’s Will?” she asked.
“My boyfriend. The last thing I remember is being with him at a cooking class.”
“And where was this?”
He gave her the address, and when she told him where he was now, he stared dumbly back at her. How had he walked that far without realizing it? He could have been killed crossing the street a dozen times over.
“You mentioned having PTSD,” she said. “Did something happen at this class that could have triggered you?”
“Maybe.” Probably. His first real public outing with Will. He’d left the ball cap at home, forgoing his usual protection, trusting he wasn’t the monster he thought he was. And things had been going well—The girl.
“Did you see his face?”
That’s all it had taken. His flight instinct had taken over, and he must have sunk into an episode at the same time. He only vaguely remembered walking out the door, desperate to get home. To find a safe place where no one would stare, laugh, point fingers and call him names. And then the ambulance. He’d fallen so deeply into his own head that nothing at all was there about his actions. Nothing.
I’ve never had an episode like this because
I’ve never put myself in a position like this.
And Will hadn’t followed him. He’d let Taz go.
“Yeah, something triggered me,” Taz said. “I’ve never done this before, though. Walked around town like a blind idiot.”
“Unique situations can trigger unique responses,” the older paramedic said. “You shouldn’t go around alone if you think this could happen again.”
“I wasn’t alone.” His chest ached. “I don’t know why he didn’t follow me. That’s not...that’s not Will.” The Will he knew and loved—and yeah, he hadn’t said the words, but he did love Will—wouldn’t have abandoned him. Something must have happened.
Had he done something to Will while in the middle of his sleepwalking delirium?
“Shit, I need to find him.” Taz pushed his way off the back of the ambulance.
“We need you to sign some forms first,” the woman said.
Taz scribbled his name wherever she said to, needing to be done with this and call Will. His cell was in his pocket, thank God. He stalked to the sidewalk and then paused as the black-painted name on a wide glass window caught his eyes. All Saints Thrift Store. He stared. Of all the random places to end up, he’d found the source of his table and chairs. And Raymond.
Raymond was watching him from a few feet away, a gentle smile on his face. “Seems like the Almighty was watching over you today,” Raymond said. “He got you to a safe place so you could be looked after.”
“Thank you,” Taz said. “For taking care of me. And for not actually hitting me with your van.”
“No thanks needed. I was glad to help. And when you’re ready, I’ll be glad to drive you home.”
“I appreciate that, but I need to make a call.”
“Of course. I’ll be inside when you’re ready.”
Once Raymond had disappeared into the thrift store, Taz palmed his phone. He had a missed call from Will and a voice mail. A text, too, and he read that first.
Are you mad at me? I’m worried about you. Please call me. I need to know you’re ok.
Positive his heart couldn’t stand hearing Will say those things in a voice mail, Taz called him.
Will must have had his phone in his hand, because he answered before the second ring. “Taz? Are you okay? Where are you?”
The force of emotion in Will’s voice made Taz’s eyes tingle with tears. “Pretty far from home, but I’m okay. I’m so sorry for whatever it is I did. I didn’t hurt you, did I?” When Will didn’t answer, he nearly screamed. “Shit, I’m so sorry, Will.”
“You didn’t hurt me physically. You just...you ignored me. I followed you for blocks, but you kept walking, like you wanted to get away from me but were so deep inside your head you couldn’t be bothered to tell me to fuck off.”
“I don’t remember any of it. It’s like I was sleepwalking while awake. I came to a few minutes ago, and it’s all a blank.”
Will made a startled noise. “You don’t remember anything?”
“I vaguely remember that girl pointing at my face and what she said. Walking out of the school, but then nothing until the ambulance.”
“Ambulance!”
“I’m not hurt, I promise. Someone realized I wasn’t in my right mind and called for help, and I’m glad they did.”
“Me too. But Taz...shit.” Will’s voice cracked, and that hit Taz in the heart like a spear. “I asked you to stop. To stop and rest and get water, and you didn’t even hear me. I thought you were ignoring me, and that hurt so much.”
Taz pinched the bridge of his nose, terrified that if he started crying now, he wouldn’t be able to stop. “I’m sorry. Tell me how to fix this.”
“You don’t have to fix it. We aren’t broken. We’re a little bruised right now, that’s all.”
“I’m so pissed at myself for hurting you. I hate my stupid brain.”
Will’s chuckle was strained, but genuine. “I hate mine, too. But I understand, okay? This was like an episode to the nth degree, right?”
“Yes. I think my body was trying to get me someplace safe, only I was so far from home that I didn’t know where to go.”
“But you’re safe now, right? You’re safe where you are?”
“I’m safe. I don’t know how, but I managed to end up at All Saints Thrift Store.”
“You’re shitting me. Really? The shelter should be on the opposite side of the street.”
Taz turned. A long brick building with a few graffiti tags took up a good chunk of the block. On the corner, he could see a sign, but not what was written on it. “Yeah, looks like it is. Small world, huh?”
“I’ll say.” Will sighed. “Thank you for calling me back.”
“You’re welcome. I hate that I scared you so badly.”
“Is it weird that one good thing kind of came out of it?”
“What’s that?”
“Well, when you walked away from me after I asked you to stop, I had a panic attack outside this coffee shop. One of the employees came out and talked to me. Gave me water. I went inside to sit, and we ended up having a really good conversation. We have similar experiences, I think, even though he wasn’t super specific about his past. He really understood where I’m at and... I want you to know everything.”
“Everything.” Taz didn’t have to ask what that meant. All of the things Will had never said, but that Taz saw lurking in his eyes when his guard went down. All of the things that haunted him so badly he had debilitating panic attacks and lived on disability. The things that had chased him toward suicide once.
“If this thing between us is real, and if we’re going to make a go of it,” Will continued, “you deserve to know it all.”
While you still have an out seemed to lurk at the end of Will’s statement. Taz didn’t want an out. He couldn’t imagine anything Will might tell him about what he’d endured that would make him end things. They made too much sense together to ruin it over the terrible actions of others that occurred years ago. Long before they ever met.
“I told you once,” Taz said, “there isn’t anything in your past that would make me think you’re a terrible person. That’s still true. Always will be.”
Will’s response was a soft sound that might have been a sob. Taz wanted more than anything to be in the same room as him, so he could wrap Will up in his arms and keep him safe from the demons in his past.
“Do you want me to come over?” Taz asked.
“Most of the residents are home. We wouldn’t have any privacy, except the porch, and even that’s not so private.”
“But you want to see me?”
“Of course I do.”
“Good.” Taz hated spending the extra money, but he was the idiot who’d walked halfway across the city. “How about I call for a Uber? They can pick me up, then swing by for you, and take us both back to my place.”
“That...that sounds good. Okay.”
“And Will?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t have to tell me everything tonight. I just really want to be with you right now, okay?”
“Thank you. See you soon.”
After Taz hung up, he went inside the thrift store to thank Raymond again. He spotted his target straight ahead, speaking to a woman near a rack of clothing. She glanced up, her curiosity turning into a big smile.
“You must be Taz,” she said. “Raymond’s mentioned you. I’m his wife, Doris.” She walked straight toward him. “How are you feeling, dear?”
“Much better, thank you, ma’am. I wanted to thank Raymond again for helping me out today.”
“No thanks necessary, son,” Raymond said, trailing after his wife. “You remind me a bit of my nephew.”
Taz hoped that was a good thing, since he didn’t know Jonas at all. “I’m going to call fo
r a car to take me home—”
“You are not,” Doris said. “Raymond can drive you wherever you need to go. He was on his way home anyhow.”
“Well, ma’am, it’s not a straight shot. I need to pick someone up along the way.”
Raymond smiled. “This Will you were talking about? You two worked things out?”
“Yes, sir. He has a lot of roommates, so we can’t really spend much time together where he lives. We tend to hang out at my apartment.” He wasn’t sure why he’d volunteered so much information to two mostly strangers, but there it was. He trusted the Burkes, even though he didn’t know them. Then again, they ran a thrift store tied to a homeless shelter, so they had to be good people.
“I genuinely do not mind picking up your boyfriend on the way,” Raymond said.
Taz glanced at Doris, but she kept on smiling at him. “I appreciate that. More than you know.”
* * *
Will was a nervous wreck waiting for Taz to pick him up, and he couldn’t figure out why. Taz had given him a very big out, not expecting Will to do any heavy talking tonight. But after his conversation with Romy, he kind of wanted to dump it all out there. To show Taz the very worst there was and let Taz decide if he still thought Will was worth it.
His heart told him that Taz would accept it all. Probably get mad on Will’s behalf, but he wouldn’t dump Will.
His head kept insisting he was an idiot, and that telling would implode the best thing he had in his life.
Better to implode it now than in six months when it’ll hurt ten times as much.
If Taz, of all people, couldn’t accept his past, then no other romantic partner ever would.
He paced the front lawn, too keyed up to stay inside where some of the girls were arguing over whose turn it was to pick tonight’s movie. He was pretty sure it actually was Donata’s turn, but he had no desire to defend her. Not when she was always sniping at him for no good reason.