by A. M. Arthur
When a big white van rolled up to the curb, Will shrank back, half-afraid news reporters were about to leap out with cameras and questions. Except the front passenger door opened, and Taz climbed out. He walked across the grass, hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched.
Nervous.
“That’s a really weird Uber car,” Will said.
Taz smiled. “I got a ride from a new friend.” He stopped when they were an arm’s reach away. “I’m so sorry about this afternoon.”
“I know.” Will’s relief at hearing Taz’s voice over the phone had been so immense he’d have fallen over if he wasn’t already sitting on his bed. The explanation for his odd behavior had made sense once they talked, but it hadn’t completely erased the hurt caused by Taz’s dismissal on the sidewalk. Seeing him again, so contrite and embarrassed, helped soothe most of that hurt away. “I forgive you.”
“Thank Christ.” Taz pulled him into a warm, full-bodied hug that made Will melt. He loved how Taz hugged him, keeping him close and tight, like he was the most precious thing in the universe. He made Will feel treasured. Loved.
Will disengaged the hug first. “Come on. Let’s go so we don’t keep our ride waiting.”
Taz introduced him to Raymond Burke after Will had buckled into the middle of the bench seat, sandwiched between Raymond and Taz. The man had a warm, fatherly air to him that made Will relax. He’d been kind to Taz, with no expectations of anything in return, and that meant a lot to Will.
He wasn’t used to people helping with no ulterior motives. Especially men.
No one spoke on the short drive to Taz’s building. Then a round of thank-yous went around, which Raymond accepted graciously. The moment Will crossed the threshold into Taz’s apartment, a strange kind of peace settled over him. He was in a safe place, with a safe person, and it was only the two of them. Him and Taz, the way it should be.
Taz came up behind him and draped his arms around Will’s waist, pulling his back against Taz’s chest. The possessive position made Will’s knees wobble. It also made him want to do anything except talk.
“I’ve never seen your bedroom,” he said. The thought popped into his head without any prompting, but it was true. Every time Will had come over these past few weeks, they always stayed in the living room and kitchen.
“What?” Taz probably hadn’t expected that to be the first thing out of Will’s mouth. “My bedroom?”
“Yes.” Will glanced down the short hallway to the always-shut door. “Show me?”
Taz released him, then clasped his hand and silently led him forward. He didn’t notice any particular tension in Taz’s face or posture, so he took that as a win. Taz turned the knob. Pushed the door open. The room itself was pretty unremarkable. A bed made up with a blue coverlet. White walls with nothing on them. A dresser and mirror that matched the headboard. Two small stands on either side of the bed, each with a thin lamp. Another door that was probably the closet.
Just like the living room, it was impersonal. A functional place to sleep. Not really a home.
“How come you’ve never decorated?” Will asked. “You’ve lived here how long?”
“A year and a half. I don’t know. I guess I spend so much time on the computer, living my life online, that I don’t really think about putting up photos or buying fancy curtains.”
“Makes sense.” Will would love to have this much space to himself, to put his personal mark on it with color and details. Maybe one day he and Taz could have a place together and make it their own.
“I’m surprised.”
Will turned to meet his eyes. “By what? That I understand?”
“No, sorry, totally different train of thought. My mind wandered. I’m surprised you’ve never asked to see a picture of me. Before.”
“Before what?” Oh. Oh! “I don’t want to compare before and after. This is you. You’re the guy I met that day in the park. You’re the guy I fell in love with.” Will couldn’t catch the words before they fell out, and the instant they did, his face flushed hot.
Taz’s eyes widened briefly. “You love me?”
His chest tightened as panic tried to take over. “Is that okay?”
“Of course it’s okay.” Taz clutched his shoulders, and the firm touch gentled Will’s instinct to bolt. “I love you, too.”
“Really?”
“Don’t sound so surprised.”
“Sorry.” Will’s brain was tumbling all over itself trying to make sense of what was happening. “I guess I never expected to say those words to anyone, much less hear them back. That sounds really pathetic from someone who isn’t even twenty yet, but...”
“You’ve lived a lot of years in less than twenty. More than most people should.”
Will leaned against Taz’s chest, open palms flat, ear right over Taz’s beating heart. Taz understood him better than anyone. Taz had supported him through every single issue and crisis of these last two months. Maybe that wasn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things, but it was a lifetime to him.
Taz slid his hands from Will’s shoulders down to hold his hips loosely. Allowing Will to lead things. Despite being two steps from Taz’s bed and everything Will had wanted with him since they first met, everything about this moment was too powerful. Far beyond a chance at having sex. Their intimacy was cracking through the walls Will had built up around the worst parts of his past. Allowing light in. Making it not so scary to talk about.
“I was fourteen the first time I was raped,” Will said. The words came out with little effort. He’d said variations of them multiple times to professionals—Dr. Taggert, Jennifer, the courts, the cops. All people with a vested interest in him as a part of a larger puzzle. But never to someone with such a powerful vested interest in him as a human being. As a partner.
Taz stiffened, the fingers on his hips tightening briefly before relaxing again.
Saying it to the contours of Taz’s bicep was easier than looking him the eye, so Will didn’t move out of their loose embrace. “My mother went from working two jobs to support us to living off disability after she got hurt at work. Painkillers were her gateway to heroin, and after a while getting high was all she cared about. When I was thirteen I dropped out of school, because no one cared if I went or not. I started stealing from convenience stores and eating out of restaurant trash cans. For a while no one noticed me at all.”
In some ways, he missed the anonymity of that year or so of his life, when he was simply a ghost moving through the world. “Then this one day a guy I didn’t know came into my bedroom. He was probably in his thirties and muscular. I’ve always been scrawny and weak, and when he told me to take my clothes off and lie facedown on the bed, I did it. I’d been knocked around enough to know I didn’t like being hit. At the time, doing what he said seemed smarter than resisting. And I honestly had no idea what was happening until he took his pants off and climbed on top of me.”
Taz made a soft sound, not quite a growl but something close.
Will’s throat tightened. His stomach curled up into a fiery ball of acid. These were the words that could shatter everything. “After that it was once, sometimes twice a week. Every week. For two years. My mother sold me to those men for money or drugs. Sometimes both. She sold me.” Something deep down inside Will broke free—a kind of rage he hadn’t been able to feel until now.
“She fucking sold me,” he snarled, surprised at the tears rolling down his cheeks. “I was her son, and she treated me like a fucking car she could loan out. I hate her so much. Fuck!” His body gave out, all consumed by a rage that left no energy for his muscles. Taz’s strong arms were the only reason he didn’t slump to the floor.
Arms that picked him up and carried him to the bed, where Will’s entire body shook from the force of his fury and hatred. “Fuck her! Fuck!” He sobbed into Taz’s chest,
certain he was turning inside out. Breaking apart, never to be whole again. Maybe all of the remaining particles would float away on the breeze, and he’d finally rest like he’d wanted to rest when he took those sleeping pills.
Except when the agony was over and his tears began to ease, he was still there. Still in one piece, alive and whole, and Taz hadn’t left. Taz was holding him together. Stroking his hair. Rubbing his back. Existing with him while Will purged a toxic poison he’d carried for too goddamn long.
The more aware Will became, the more details he noticed. Taz’s body was trembling, too. He was gasping and sniffling, and Will raised his head to be sure. Taz met his gaze with wet, red eyes and tear-streaked cheeks, but not a single shred of pity or shame. The only thing Will saw in Taz’s green eyes was love.
Taz didn’t seem to have any words, and Will didn’t, either. There didn’t seem to be a need for them yet. With a little nudging, they ended up on their sides, still curled up in each other. Will pressed in close, with Taz’s bigger body all around him. Protecting him. Loving him despite his past. No secrets left between them.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Taz whispered. “I love you, Will Madden. Always.”
Will released a soft, content sigh over the perfectly chosen words. “I love you, too.”
Chapter Sixteen
Taz had known the details of Will’s past would be horrible, but he genuinely hadn’t expected the gut punch that was Will’s tear-filled scream of “She fucking sold me!” The hatred in Will’s voice had sliced across his heart, flaying it open in a way that allowed all of Taz’s respect and love to pour out. He’d held Will while he raged, then held him longer while he calmed. He’d cried his own tears for Will’s pain, and then he’d relaxed into a unique kind of gratitude.
Gratitude born of the trust Will had shown him by sharing what his mother had done. Gratitude over Will not succeeding in taking his own life when everything became too much for him. Gratitude that of all the people in the world who would be lucky enough to be loved by Will, Will had chosen him.
Will had given him a very special gift, and as they lay together on the bed, existing in a comfortable silence for a while, Taz was terrified of fucking it all up.
For all of the time they’d spent together, for all of the conversations they’d had, Taz had never told Will about Detective Morrell visiting him and asking questions about Peter. Peter, who still called several nights a week to check in. Peter, who was extremely vague whenever Taz asked about his work or when he might be coming home.
Taz had tried to push it out of his head, because he hadn’t heard from Morrell since. If he didn’t think about it, then maybe it hadn’t actually happened. Maybe he’d dreamed the entire visit. He’d dreamed the phone call when Peter admitted to being in prison. It was all a nightmare that had nothing to do with his life right now. The amazing, supportive, loving life he was building with Will.
As much as he’d hated Peter going away, now a part of him hoped he never came back.
“I can hear you thinking,” Will said. Taz thought he’d fallen asleep. “Talk to me.”
“Just marveling at how amazing you are.” Taz kissed the side of his neck. “And how lucky I am.”
“We’re both lucky.” Will twisted around to face him, head braced on his palm. His face was red and puffy from crying, but he’d never looked more focused or in control. “What happened to me fucked with my head a lot. I hated myself for going along with what those men did, for never saying no. When I realized I was attracted to men, and that I might be gay, I internalized a lot of self-hate, thinking maybe I wanted what they’d done in that bedroom.” A corner of his mouth curled up in a half smile. “My shrink has had his hands full with me.”
“Sounds like you two have done a lot of work together, figuring things out. Working through everything.”
“We have. We’ve got more work to do yet, I know that. But I’m tired of letting what happened control me. I don’t want it to define me anymore. It’s partly why I started going out looking for sex. I wanted to take that back, but I went about it the wrong way. I know that now.”
“I’m glad.” Now that they were talking instead of cuddling, Taz got them both upright, sitting cross-legged, facing each other. His own secret seemed to hang around his neck like a heavy chain, reminding him it existed between them. “You said before it finally ended when the cops busted your mother for drugs?”
“Yeah. The cops were initially after one of her dealers. They were trying to get information on whoever was in charge of that particular heroin ring, but instead they got us. Marjorie was arrested, and I spent a few days in the hospital before Jennifer took me in.” He picked at a piece of lint on his shorts. “I hate that this Christopher bastard got away, but I’m kind of glad he’s gone. I didn’t want to relive that nightmare if they caught him.”
“I can’t imagine what that was like for you.”
“It was a mess. Between the cops and lawyers and my own fucking issues. I just want to move on, you know? But what if one day I run into another Christopher?”
“Then we deal with it. Together. You don’t have to do any of that alone anymore, Will. I’m here now.”
Will grinned. “Good answer.” Then his good mood dimmed. “Do you still want to have sex with me?”
Taz blinked hard. “Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”
“I’m not exactly showroom fresh anymore, Taz. I have more miles on my ass than a Manhattan taxi.”
He didn’t want to diminish Will’s feelings by correcting him, but fuck, he hated Will talking about himself in those terms. Like a person was something that could be taken out, used up and then put away like a retired city cab. “You can’t change what happened in your past. Those ghosts will always be there. But it’s your past. You aren’t used up and you aren’t worn-out. You aren’t that boy trapped in his bedroom. You’re amazing and strong. You’re a brand-new person whom I love, and I want to make love to you.”
Will pounced, knocking Taz into his back with Will straddling his hips. “You say the sweetest things,” Will said with a peal of laughter. “You do make me feel like a different person, Taz, I mean it.”
“When you look at yourself, you still see the old you who didn’t fight back. When I look at myself, I still see the worst of the burns. But I don’t see a victim in you, and you don’t see my scars. I think we make better mirrors for each other than the ones that hang on the wall. What do you think?”
“I see the moon and the moon sees me.”
“Huh?” Not the response he was hoping for.
Will leaned down, his hair hanging in soft curls to frame his face. “It’s a nursery rhyme I use to calm myself down from anxiety attacks. But I realized it has a whole new meaning for me. We see each other, Taz. Really see each other, and that’s everything.”
He reached up to curl his fingers around the back of Will’s neck. “Yes, it is. You’re my moon, my mirror, my perfect match.”
“Mine too.” Will dropped lower until his lips hovered over Taz’s, warm breath teasing his skin. “Make love to me, Taz. Please? I want to feel you inside me.”
Taz’s heart started trying to beat out of his chest. “I want to.”
“But?” He raised his head to look Taz in the eye. “No supplies?”
“I’ve got stuff, I just...fuck.”
“What is it?” Will climbed off so Taz could sit up. The beauty of their earlier moment was gone, shattered by Taz’s own hesitation and inexperience. And somehow, Will figured it out for himself. “You’ve never topped a guy, have you?”
Taz nearly covered his face with his hands so Will couldn’t see how embarrassed he was. “No. No, Charlie always fucked me, and I enjoyed it. I mean, it was obviously something I couldn’t get from the women I slept with. But Charlie didn’t bottom, and he’s the only guy I’
ve had anal sex with.”
Instead of being upset or ridiculing him, Will started laughing. “Two bottoms. Why does that not just fucking figure.”
“You’ve never wanted to top a guy?”
“Like I could. I’m a midget.”
“You’re just short, and who cares? There’s no gay sex guidebook that says the little guy has to take it and the big guy has to give it.”
Will sobered a bit, getting thoughtful. “Maybe that’s part of my conditioning. I’ve spent years thinking my basic function in life was to bend over for a dick.”
“It’s not. And hey.” He waited until Will was looking at him. “This guy over here wouldn’t mind bending over for your dick.”
“Really?”
“Definitely.” Taz absolutely wanted to know what it was like to be inside Will’s body, but more than that, he wanted the opposite. He wanted to give Will the power to be whomever he wanted to be—top, bottom, switch, it didn’t matter. The thought sent blood pulsing into his dick. He rubbed himself through his shorts, which got Will’s immediate attention.
“I’ve never done this before,” Will whispered.
Taz squeezed Will’s knee with his free hand. “I love that I’ll be your first.”
Will grinned. “And when we switch, I’ll be your first.”
“Yes, you will. See? Perfect for each other.” He glanced at the side table drawer that had the supplies he’d ordered several weeks ago. Even though they’d yet to progress from hand jobs and frotting, Taz had known they would one day. And he hadn’t wanted to be caught without stuff.
“You’re nervous,” Will said.
“A little. I haven’t had sex in over two years. With anyone.”
“It’s okay. It kind of balances out my slutty ways.”
“Stop.” He pressed a silencing finger against Will’s lips. “Don’t put yourself down like that. You aren’t a slut. You’re the man I love, and the one thing I want most in the entire world is for you to make love to me.”