As I Am

by A. M. Arthur

  Brendan didn’t seem like the chatty type, either, so they sat in semi-awkward silence while their other halves were occasionally heard laughing in the kitchen. A while later, the doorbell rang, and Taz nearly jumped a mile. His heart raced, and his palms got clammy. He stood at the same time as Brendan but stayed put while Brendan answered the door.

  Two new faces entered, each exchanging greetings with Brendan. The first was tallish, and lanky, with floppy brown hair and glasses that made him look like an awkward college student. With him was a shorter Latino guy with slicked-back hair and a broad, cocky smile. They both grinned at Taz, neither giving the left side of his face a second glance.

  “Guys, this is Thomas Zachary, but he goes by Taz,” Brendan said. “Alessandro Silva and Jaime Winters.”

  Handshakes went all around. Romy and Will returned from the kitchen with various bowls of chips and dips, which they put on the coffee table, before Will was introduced to everyone. Jaime was the future college professor Romy had mentioned, and Alessandro the co-owner of Half-Dozen.

  “Brendan hates being the center of attention,” Alessandro said, “and he never wants presents, but I got you one anyway.” He tucked what looked like a gift card of some kind into Brendan’s back pocket. “Spoil your guy, dude. That’s an order.”

  Romy immediately snatched the card out and then blushed bright red. He put the card back. Brendan must have decided that being in the dark was better than being in the know, because he didn’t look.

  They all chitchatted a bit about nothing in particular. Romy must have briefed his friends on him and Will, because no one asked the typical “how’d you all meet?” questions. Jaime and Alessandro seemed to accept their presence as a simple fact. Everyone stood around the coffee table, snacking on potato chips, tortilla chips and cheese curls.

  It was the most normal thing Taz had done since college, and part of him was waiting for the other shoe to drop. The infamous Ezra hadn’t shown up yet, and Taz was still prepared to dislike the guy. Out-and-proud small-business owners who were loyal to their close friends could still be assholes in nice guy clothing.

  At 7:35—Taz checked the clock on the far wall—the doorbell rang again. Romy sprang to answer it with a wide grin.

  “Hey, sugar!”

  “Hey, Ez, Donner. Oh, God, what the hell is that?”

  Brendan flinched.

  A tall, slender man with white-blond hair and a silver stud in his eyebrow sauntered into the room. He was carrying an object wrapped in green striped paper, and it was very definitely penis shaped. And the size of a small cat. Romy followed with a second guy, this one average height, stocky in build, with brown hair and serious eyes.

  Introductions occurred again. The blond was inevitably Ezra Kelley, and he was gorgeous. High cheekbones, pale skin and an infectious smile that helped put Taz at ease. His partner was Donner Davis—Eddie to Brendan only, apparently—a bartender at a local favorite gay bar Taz had never heard of, much less visited. He hadn’t been to a bar in ages.

  “Any friend of Romy’s is a friend of mine,” Ezra said after hands had been shaken. “Welcome.”

  Taz looked at the gift in Ezra’s hands, which Romy was eyeballing like he expected it to explode. Given the stripper story Romy had told, surely Ezra hadn’t done something as tacky as buy Brendan a giant dildo? Especially when near strangers were going to be at the party.

  “So do you want your present now or later?” Ezra asked.

  Brendan’s face scrunched up, but Taz didn’t know him well enough to guess if he was nervous or aggravated. “Might as well do it now,” he replied. “Cut the tension.”

  “Tension?” Alessandro echoed. “It’s pretty obvious what the big dork bought you.”

  “Are you so sure about that?” Ezra shot back. He handed the package over to Brendan.

  Brendan glanced down at Romy, who’d retaken his spot on Brendan’s right. He seemed more terrified of whatever was in that wrapping paper than Brendan. Ezra, for his part, looked like he wanted to bust out into dance moves.

  Taz glanced at Will, who seemed as mystified as him.

  These people are weird.

  Brendan began unwrapping the package. Extra paper had been stuffed inside to create a phallic shape, because what Brendan unwrapped was the top half of a wooden baseball bat—the supposed shaft of the not-a-dildo—and a small black box surrounded by more wadded paper that had been the fake balls. Romy stared at the two items with a baffled look on his face. Brendan, on the other hand, smiled indulgently at his partner.

  “Is that...it isn’t,” Romy said. “Not the same bat.”

  “Yup.” Brendan put the half bat on the coffee table. It had some kind of base attached to keep it upright. A date was inked on it in black calligraphy—May 29, 2013. “This is the bat I had the day we first met.”

  That sounded like a story worth hearing, but Taz kept quiet. Will grabbed his hand and held tight.

  “Ezra was in on this, and somehow he kept it all a secret,” Brendan said.

  “Apparently he did a great job,” Donner added. “You little sneak.”

  Ezra preened.

  Brendan palmed the box, and Romy’s black eyes went wide. “I think I started loving you a little bit the day we met,” Brendan said. “And I’ve loved you more with each passing day. I know I don’t say it enough with words, but I love you, Romy Myers. For three years, you’ve been my partner in every way, and I want to be with you always.” He sank down to one knee and opened the box.

  Romy gasped, one hand flying up to cover his mouth.

  “Will you marry me?” Brendan asked.

  “Do you really have to ask?” Romy replied, his eyes filling with tears. “Yes, I’ll marry you, you big dork. Yes.”

  A lump seized control of Taz’s throat when Brendan leaped up and hauled Romy into a tight embrace. Lifted him right off his feet. All around, their friends whooped and cheered. Taz held Will’s hand tighter, overwhelmed at the beautiful display of devotion playing out in front of him. And they’d been invited to witness it.

  “I got the rings made special for us,” Brendan said once he’d put Romy back down. He slid the smaller of the pair onto Romy’s finger, and Romy held his hand up.

  In between two thin bands of silver was an even slimmer band of brown.

  Wood.

  “Oh my God.” Romy choked, tears streaming down his cheeks. “You didn’t.”

  “I did.” He handed the other ring over so Romy could slide it onto Brendan’s finger. Then they were hugging and kissing, and it was almost too much.

  Taz had no idea what Brendan had or hadn’t done, or what the ring symbolized, until Ezra leaned in and faux whispered, “Brendan had them incorporate wood from the bat’s handle into their engagement rings.”

  “Whoa,” Will said.

  “Did they meet at a ball game or something?” Taz asked softly.

  Ezra’s eyes darkened briefly. “No. And that’s really Romy’s story to tell.”

  “Understood.” He didn’t want to violate Romy’s privacy. Especially when it didn’t seem like it was a happy story.

  The conversation stopped anyway, because Romy threw himself at Ezra, who gathered him up in a hug. “You are the best friend ever.”

  “Hush, sugar,” Ezra replied in a choked tone. “You deserve all the happiness there is. I’m so happy for you both.”

  “Never thought I’d be engaged before you guys.” Romy’s comment seemed to include not only Ezra and Donner, but also Jaime and Alessandro, which made Taz wonder which pair had met in what order.

  “We’ve talked about marriage,” Jaime said. “But we want to wait until I’m finished school and have a steady job teaching somewhere.”

  “And we are perfectly content as is,” Donner said, smiling indulgently at Ezra, who was
still clinging to Romy.

  Jealousy burned in Taz’s chest. Jealousy over the obvious bond the six friends had and the deep devotion to each other they were showing tonight. Years of history and shared love filled the room—things he desperately wanted for himself and for Will.

  Romy peeked around Ezra’s shoulder to grin at him and Will. “I totally had no idea you guys would be witnessing a proposal when I invited you over.”

  “I hope you don’t mind we’re here,” Taz said.

  “No, no, I don’t mind at all.” He disentangled himself from Ezra. “I hope you’re okay with it. I mean, we’re all over here getting sappy and emotional, and you barely know us.”

  “It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Will said, his own voice raw. Taz glanced down to see a single tear track down Will’s cheek. “I’m kind of honored we were here. Congratulations.”

  “Thank you.” Romy walked over to Brendan. “I can’t believe you proposed on your birthday.”

  “I can,” Donner said. Then he poked Ezra in the ribs. “But I can’t decide if I’m mad at you or not for keeping me in the dark about the surprise.”

  Ezra draped one arm around Donner and leaned in. “I promise to make it up to you when we get home.”

  “Good answer.”

  Will made a soft noise as he pulled away from Taz’s side. “I’m sorry to ask, but where’s your bathroom?”

  “Back out in the foyer, under the stairs,” Romy said.

  He fled in that direction. Taz watched him go, concerned by the abrupt exit. But he didn’t follow him. If Will needed a moment to process all of the love flying around the room, Taz would give it to him.

  * * *

  Will made it to the cramped half bath under the stairs in time to shut the door, sit on the toilet lid and let the panic overtake him. He wasn’t even sure where this attack had come from. Only that his limbs were shaking, his palms were sweaty and he couldn’t get a good breath.

  I see the moon and the moon sees me. I see Taz and Taz sees me. We see the somebodies we want to be.

  He chanted his new rhymes over and over as adrenaline surged and waned, leaving him exhausted and feeling foolish for having the attack in the first place. In a perfectly safe home, surrounded by incredibly nice, loving people.

  What the hell is wrong with me?

  He was deliriously happy to have witnessed such a touching proposal, and while he didn’t know the significance of the wooden bat to Romy and Brendan’s relationship, it obviously carried great meaning. He’d enjoyed watching the friends interact, and selfishly hoped that one day he and Taz would have friends that close—these friends, or others. He thought back over the conversations, and then he realized what had set him off.

  Ezra’s flirty comment about making it up to Donner later.

  Sex.

  His stupid brain had jumped back to Thursday night. He’d barely slept at all that night after leaving Taz’s place, overcome with guilt about how he’d treated Taz in bed. He hadn’t hurt Taz, not physically. But fucking him like that had been wrong and unkind, and he’d done it because, in spite of Will’s cheerful exterior all evening, inside he’d still been angry at Taz for refusing to go to the morgue with him. Angry and disappointed.

  And even though they’d both gotten off, Will shouldn’t have done that. He should have talked to Taz again. He should talk to him now.

  Instead, he hid in the bathroom and hated himself for being such a terrible boyfriend.

  Someone texted him. He almost didn’t look, but curiosity won out. Taz.

  You okay?

  He could lie and say he had to pinch a loaf, but he didn’t want to lie. He also didn’t want to ruin the good mood of the party, so he texted back: Just needed a minute alone.

  It’s been ten.

  Oh. Oops.

  He peed quickly, then washed his hands, which had finally stopped trembling. The mood in the living room was bright and spirited, with everyone laughing and snacking on the chips. Even Taz seemed relaxed. He perked up when he spotted Will.

  “You light a match?” Ezra said.

  The cheeky grin made Will smile back. “You want to go find out?”

  Everyone laughed, and that settled some of Will’s nerves. Romy was perched on Brendan’s lap in one of the blue chairs, and the other four friends had smashed themselves onto the sofa. Taz started to stand, probably to offer Will his chair, but Will plopped right onto his lap and kissed his left cheek. “Sorry I was gone for so long,” he whispered.

  Taz nuzzled his ear. “Glad you’re back.”

  “Did I miss anything?”

  “Not really. A lot of goo-goo eyes dancing around.”

  “So, with this crew, another day ending in Y,” Jaime said. He was sitting closest to their chair.

  Will laughed without feeling it. He kind of wanted to take Taz and leave so they could talk the way they needed to talk. But he also wanted to keep basking in the love permeating the small house, because he’d never experienced anything like it in his life. It was beautiful, but so fucking fragile because it could only exist in safe, protected spaces like this, with four walls keeping the angry outside world at bay.

  So he stayed put. He chatted and laughed and snacked, and for another two hours, pretended he was all right.

  Chapter Nineteen

  They left the party too late on Saturday night for Will to bring up his concerns over how he’d acted on Thursday, so he took those thoughts home with him and had weird dreams about Taz proposing to Will’s mom in prison while Will watched from the other side of a Plexiglas window. The whole thing left him so unsettled, he pulled his laptop out and watched cooking demos online until the sun rose.

  Taz usually slept in until around nine on Sundays, so Will wandered downstairs, hopeful he’d have first crack at the television. Only Donata was on the couch with the remote, aimlessly channel surfing infomercials and religious programming. With nothing else to do, Will plunked into one of the side chairs and tucked his legs close to his chest.

  “You look like you slept as much as me,” Donata said after a few minutes watching some sort of ab-buster commercial.

  Will shrugged.

  “You and your boyfriend fighting already?”

  “None of your business,” he snapped.

  “Ooh, someone’s on her period.”

  That did it. Will leaped to his feet and stalked three steps to stand over her—the only way he could be taller than her. She shrank back, and he didn’t care that she suddenly looked terrified. “What the fuck is your issue with me? Don’t like that I’m gay? Just fucking say so, and then leave me the fuck alone.”

  She didn’t respond. Instead, she stared at a point past his elbow, eyes lowered, perfectly still. Barely even breathing.

  Like prey used to avoiding predators by being as quiet and small as possible.

  “Donata?” he said. When she still didn’t speak, he eased onto the cushion next to her, putting them at roughly the same height. “I’m sorry. I’m not going to hurt you.”

  She flinched.

  He didn’t want to push her, so he tried to watch TV for a while. Eventually she relaxed and started watching, too.

  “Had a brother who was gay,” she said during a regular commercial for toothpaste. “I went out with him one night, to a gay bar. On the walk home, these guys pounced. Dragged us into an alley. Beat Marlon to death, while they made me watch. Threatened the whole time to kill me, too. Rape me. All kinds of things. Probably would have if people hadn’t heard the noise and scared them off.”

  “I’m sorry.” Will didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t imagine the horror of watching someone he loved killed like that.

  “Don’t hate you, either. Just...you remind me of him sometimes, and then I get mad and say
mean things.”

  He decided to go out on a limb and push a bit. “Is that why you live here? Because of seeing your brother killed?”

  “Yeah. It messed me up real bad. Even more because he wasn’t out to our folks, and they hit the roof when they found out where we’d been, and why he was killed. It was a huge mess.”

  “How long?”

  “Two years.”

  “I’ve only been out of my mess for three.”

  She finally met his eyes, her own red with tears. “Sorry I’m such a bitch.”

  “Hey, at least you’re acknowledging that you’re a bitch. Some people go their entire lives without figuring it out.”

  Donata laughed.

  The matter seemed to be settled, so they went back to watching television in silence. Will wasn’t sure if he’d made a friend or not, but at least he was relatively certain he had one fewer enemy.

  And that felt really, really good.

  The rest of the house began to slowly wake over the next hour or so, residents coming in and out of the kitchen for coffee Donata must have brewed earlier.

  Gloria paused by the couch on her trek through the living room. “How was the birthday party last night?”

  “It was fun,” Will said. And for the most part, it had been fun. And one of the most normal things he’d done in his entire life. Chips and cake and casual conversations with guys he’d like to consider friends one day. He decided last night that he did think of Romy as a friend. “The birthday boy proposed.”

  “That’s wonderful!”

  “Did she say yes?” Donata asked.

  “He said yes,” Will replied. “Gay couple. They’ve been together for three years.”

  Donata grinned. “Three years? Finally did his boyfriend a solid, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Next time you see them pass on my congratulations,” Gloria said, then kept going toward the kitchen. It was her and Sydney’s turn to cook breakfast for the house. She usually helped him make pancakes. So far, nothing about pancake batter triggered his paranoia.