As I Am

by A. M. Arthur

  So to speak.

  The yellow flames taunted him, but Will had faith. He sucked in a good, deep breath, planned his attack and blew. Strong but steady across the round layer cake, until each one was extinguished. Which naturally led to more cheers.

  Taz pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Nice one.”

  “Thanks.” Will looked up at the group of people surrounding him and Taz. “Thank you so much.”

  His twentieth birthday happened to fall on a Saturday, and he’d agreed to meet Romy and Brendan at Half-Dozen at four—the time Romy’s shift was over—so they could go to an early dinner. Taz, too, obviously. Will had never expected to walk into Half-Dozen and find not only a cake, but a Happy Birthday banner and several balloons. Ezra, Donner, Jaime and Alessandro were there, which didn’t surprise him. Jonas and Tate, too.

  Dr. Taggert, his fiancé, Detective Wolf, Jennifer and everyone from Carter House also being there had shocked him beyond words. To see so many people coming together to support him had nearly sent him into an attack. Before Taz, he’d never believed he was worth the time and effort other people gave him, but those faces told him otherwise. They told him he was loved.

  “What did you wish for?” Ezra asked.

  “Yeah, right,” Jaime said. “It’s bad luck to tell your wish to other people.”

  “What if I tell it to the person it’s about?” Will asked, with an obvious side eye at Taz.

  “Wishes smishes,” Taz said. “I want cake.”

  Will laughed. “Me too. Who made it, by the way?” The icing smelled amazing, and it even had some decorative edging going on.

  “Alessandro,” Jaime replied with a smug grin. “My sister’s been teaching him a few things about cake decorating.”

  “Now he’s just showing off,” Ezra said. “Between the shop and the food truck, I don’t think we can handle another side business, Alè.”

  Will leaned into Taz while Ezra cut the cake and started passing plates around. The shock of the surprise party had almost been too much, but now Will realized how perfect it actually was. He’d first met Romy here, and by extension, half the people attending his party. He and Taz had a circle of friends they were slowly getting to know via dinner invitations at their new apartment.

  They’d been there roughly three weeks. It wasn’t much bigger than Taz’s old place, but it was two bedrooms, instead of one, which gave Taz an actual office to work out of. Will loved the open concept, because he could cook and still hold an easy conversation with Taz from the couch. And it was closer to the Stanley Center, which was awesome for work. Less time on the bus both ways.

  As his birthday approached, Will had entertained ideas of a small party in their apartment, but neither one of them was ready for that. Two extra people at a time, sure, no problem. Upward of six? Not yet. But soon.

  The cake—chocolate layers with peanut butter icing—was amazing, and Will managed to grab a second piece before it was gone. He ate standing, like most of the party guests, because the shop was still open for business. They’d overtaken three of the tables in the middle with the cake supplies and a small stack of birthday cards. Will was glad no one had brought presents, because being sung to had been hard enough. Being the center of attention again for gift opening would tax his anxiety way too much for one day.

  Besides, Taz had given him the perfect gift that morning: a brand-new set of copper cookware and a set of actual chef’s knives. Apparently he’d been saving his pennies so Will could teach himself with the proper equipment. Will had cried. And then he’d thanked Taz by blowing him against the refrigerator.

  So far it had been a perfect day.

  His favorite thing, though, was watching Taz interact with people today. Chatting and laughing and making jokes, less self-conscious about his appearance with every day that passed. Every day that distanced him from his old life as Peter’s pet project.

  Taz spoke to his father on the phone several times a month. He never tried to make the calls private, or to keep Will from listening if he so chose. Taz didn’t want to hide anything from him or make Will doubt him, and it only made him love Taz more. Taz had once tried to joke about both of them having parents in prison, but it had been forced and had fallen flat. While Will flat-out hated his mother with the fire of a thousand suns, Taz still loved his father.

  Despite his criminal history and all of his deceit, Peter Callahan had loved Taz when no one else did.

  Will begrudged the man a little bit of gratitude, too, for keeping Taz together until the universe let them find each other. Beyond that, Will hated Peter, as well. But only with the fire of a few hundred suns, especially after Peter dropped the dime on several other people connected to Will’s abuse. Will had suffered through another voice lineup with Taz by his side, but so far that was all Morrell had needed out of him.

  He and Taz had been police-free for the last two months.

  “Hey, Will,” Jonas said as he and Tate approached. “When do you start your internship with Malcolm? Did you guys set that up yet?”

  “Monday, actually,” Will replied. Fresh excitement flared up for this coming week’s new opportunity.

  Because of his obsessive interest in food and desire to learn everything he possibly could, Malcolm Reeves had taken Will on as a paid intern, two days a week, to assist his assistant, Jonas. He was also going to be a kind of sous chef for Malcolm during his Saturday afternoon classes, starting in December. It meant more frequent human interaction, but Will had chatted with Malcolm about his anxiety issues before accepting the job, and Malcolm understood his limitations.

  Limitations he continued to test every single day, because he wanted to get better. He’d never be normal, but what was normal, anyway? All he ever needed to be was himself.

  “Awesome,” Jonas said. “I’m excited to work with you again.”

  “Me too,” Will replied. He looked Jonas directly in the eye and smiled—something he’d never imagined being able to do a year ago when he first met the guy. “Thank you both for coming.”

  “Of course. Happy birthday, man.”

  Tate repeated the sentiment, and they both wandered off.

  Second slice of cake finished, Will grabbed Taz’s hand so he could do something he never really imagined doing. He dragged his boyfriend over to where his shrink stood so he could introduce them.

  Detective Wolf looked uncomfortable, but Dr. Taggert was all smiles while Will introduced everyone around and Taz shook hands.

  “Will mentioned you two are engaged,” Taz said. “Congratulations.”

  Dr. Taggert smiled fondly at his fiancé. “Well, we’ve been best friends for eighteen years, and a couple for three, so it seemed time.”

  “Did it now?” Wolf replied. “I’m pretty sure I was the one who proposed to you, not the other way around.”

  “Details.”

  “Big detail.” The pair shared a lusty look that made Will a bit uncomfortable, because that was his shrink.

  “It was nice meeting you both,” Taz said, then directed Will away so the engaged couple could make goo-goo eyes in private. Taz leaned down and whispered, “How are you doing?”

  “Better than I probably should be,” Will replied. “But I know these people. Well, most of them.” Not the regular Half-Dozen patrons, but his party guests. He knew them all, for one reason or another, and they’d shown up for him.

  And for free cake.

  “How about you?” Will asked.

  “Feels like old times. Only better, because you’re here.”

  Will laughed. “Saying stuff like that will get you laid tonight.”

  “I say it because I mean it.” Taz pulled him to the far end of the service counter, away from the bulk of the people, his expression serious but full of so much love. “I know neither one of us is perfect individually, but tog
ether? We make each other perfect. I wake up every single day grateful that you love me and that you let me love you back.”

  “I feel the same. Our pasts are painful and part of us, but they don’t define us anymore.” Will placed his open palm on Taz’s chest, above his heart. “This does.”

  “Damn right.” Taz mirrored Will’s position, his big hand warm over Will’s thumping heart. “So you’ve finally left your teens behind. Are you going to tell me what your birthday wish was?”

  “It’s really cheesy. Like romance movie cheese spread, with powdered cheese dusted on top.”

  Taz chuckled. “I like cheese. Hit me with it.”

  “I wished for us to spend the rest of our lives together.”

  “A happily-ever-after?” Taz lowered his head, grinning brightly. “Sounds like the perfect wish to me.”

  “Good.” Will leaned up on his toes to kiss Taz on the mouth. “Because you’re stuck with me.”

  “I wouldn’t want it any other way.” Taz kissed him again, hard, deepening it with no fear because they were surrounded by friends. They kissed until Will was in very real danger of popping wood in a public place, so he reluctantly dragged Taz off him. “Oh, yeah, you are so getting laid when we get home.”

  “Excellent,” Taz said with a smirk, clearly pleased with himself. “Let’s go mingle until we can make a polite escape to go home and fuck each other senseless.”

  “I am very much on board with this plan.”

  Finally settled in his present and ready to claim his future, Will grabbed his boyfriend’s hand and took his first step forward. With Taz.

  Into their happily-ever-after.

  * * * * *

  Acknowledgments

  Usually I begin by thanking my amazing editor, Alissa, so why stop the tradition? We’ve been through nine books together. Some edits have been easy; some edits made me want to set fire to the book and never write again. But in the end, each time we created something I was always proud to share with readers, and this book is no different.

  Special thanks, though, must be given to the two or three readers who asked me, “What happened to Will?” Two years ago while I was writing Getting It Right, I wanted to show Tag outside the bar scene, working with patients, and this quiet, battered young man named Will Madden walked into Tag’s office. I never expected to see him again outside the pages of that book, much less give Will his own redemption and love story. So thank you, readers, for your interest in this character, because his romance is one of my very favorites I’ve written. I hope you love it, too.

  To all of the bloggers, reviewers and readers who’ve followed me over the years, thank you for your support. If this is your first book by me, then thank you for giving my little fictional world a chance.

  Also available from A.M. Arthur

  and Carina Press

  No Such Thing

  Maybe This Time

  Stand By You

  Getting It Right

  Finding Their Way

  Taking a Chance

  Come What May

  Say It Right

  About the Author

  A.M. Arthur was born and raised in the same kind of small town that she likes to write about, a stone’s throw from both beach resorts and generational farmland. She’s been creating stories in her head since she was a child and scribbling them down nearly as long, in a losing battle to make the fictional voices stop. She credits an early fascination with male friendships (bromance hadn’t been coined yet) with her later discovery of and subsequent love affair with m/m romance stories. A.M. Arthur’s work is available from Samhain Publishing, Carina Press, Dreamspinner Press, SMP Swerve and Briggs-King Books.

  When not exorcising the voices in her head, she toils away in a retail job that tests her patience and gives her lots of story fodder. She can also be found in her kitchen, pretending she’s an amateur chef and trying to not poison herself or others with her cuisine experiments.

  To find out more, visit amarthur.blogspot.com.

  Introducing the Carina Press Romance Promise!

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  This book contains a romance central to the plot and ends in an HEA or HFN.

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  Look for the Carina Press Romance Promise and one-click with confidence that we understand what’s at the heart of the romance genre!

  Look for this line in Carina Press book descriptions:

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  An unexpected fresh start leads to an unlikely-but-absolutely-perfect pairing in this male/male new adult duology from bestselling gay romance author K.A. Mitchell

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  Featuring an enemies-to-lovers romance, a professor–student relationship and a silver fox who falls for a drag queen, this series is all about testing—and breaking—all the boundaries.

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  The Letting Go series by j. leigh bailey

  These young men will have to let go of who they were to become all they can.

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  RECKLESS HOPE (Letting Go, book two)

  FIGHT TO FORGIVE (Letting Go, book three)

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  In A.M. Arthur’s male/male romances, friends learn that there’s more to life and love than just sex—no matter how steamy it is!

  “In depicting the hurts of living and the healing comfort of love, [A.M.] Arthur hits all the right notes.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  The Belonging Series (New Adult)

  NO SUCH THING (Belonging, book one)

  MAYBE THIS TIME (Belonging, book two)

  STAND BY YOU (Belonging, book three)

  The Restoration Series (Contemporary Romance)

  GETTING IT RIGHT (Restoration, book one)

  FINDING THEIR WAY (Restoration, book two)

  TAKING A CHANCE (Restoration, book three)

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  COME WHAT MAY (All Saints, book one)

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