Forgetting What Lies Behind

by Marcy Pacino

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher and/or authors, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  Publisher: Apollo Publications

  ISBN: 978-1-947019-02-7 ePub

  ISBN: 978-1-947019-12-6 MOBI

  ISBN: 978-1-947019-03-4 Paper Back

  Library of Congress Control Number 2016909761

  Printed In The United States Of America First Printing 2017

  Table of Contents

  Forgetting What Lies Behind

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter One

  Sitting on her sofa, listening to the CD player as her 10 year old son, Jason, vacuumed around her, Sarah suddenly thought about Brian, a young man she knew fourteen years ago; thinking back to a day she remembered as if it was yesterday...Brian was among the other young men and women gathered in the familiar living room, getting ready for another Bible Study session to begin. She sat on the sofa, across the small, but neatly kept, living room, from him. She closed her eyes momentarily to settle her thoughts, when she opened them she was no longer sitting in the small living room of yesterday; instead, she was back in the present, her son still vacuuming. She smiled to herself, "just another day dream," she thought, closing her eyes again.

  When she opened her eyes a moment later, she was no longer in her own living room, but back in the small apartment of fourteen years ago. Only this time, she was standing hesitantly just inside the door, with everyone looking at her. Glancing around the small room at all the familiar faces, she had the strange feeling that although she knew everyone in the room, they didn't know her.

  This thought was confirmed when the leader of the group, Mrs. Fenton approached and said "Welcome to Tuesday Night Bible Study Group, I am Mrs. Fenton, the leader, and you are?"

  Finding her voice, she quietly said "Sarah Jennings," "wait," she thought, "that's my maiden name, my married name is, oh no, I can't remember my married name, but that's silly, I AM married, married to a wonderful man named, no, I couldn't have forgotten his name too," her thoughts were suddenly broken as Mrs. Fenton began introducing all of the people in the room, she glanced down at her left hand, no wedding ring, "oh, my goodness," she thought, "what has happened, am I really here or is this just another daydream?”

  "But it feels so real," she thought, as she sat down on the pretty blue floral sofa.

  She didn't really hear what was being read or what the discussion afterward consisted of, she was still trying to figure out if it was real or just a dream. She stole a few quick glances around the group, "If this is real, I won't be able to name everyone here." she thought to herself “So, let's see, from left to right, that's Dave, then Carol, Sam and there's Brian and Tom, Craig and Susan and Mona."

  “So, how come I can remember all of their names and yet no one seems to know who I am?" she thought.

  Suddenly, she was interrupted from her thoughts by both Dave on her left and Mona on her right, as they took her hands in theirs for the closing prayer. She clasped each of their hands and closed her eyes, but instead of listening to what was being said, she said her own prayer, more like a question put to God; "Dear, God, I am very confused. Here I am in a room and a year I remember well, yet all the other people in this room don't appear to possess the same memories I do. And, what happened to my other memories of, of my husband and children, don't they exist anymore and if they do, why can't I remember their names? Dear Lord, please help me understand what is happening to me. I ask all this in Your precious and Holy name, Amen"

  "Amen" the group around her said, in unison.

  Sarah opened her eyes and looked around again at all the familiar faces, "Why doesn't anyone here remember me?" she thought.

  She was glad she was able to slip out of the apartment not long after the closing prayer; she just needed to get away from it all and try to make some sense of what was happening to her. Standing on the sidewalk in front of the apartment building, she looked around and thought to herself

  "Okay, now what do I do? Do I go back to the one room flat I lived in fourteen years ago?"

  "That's silly," she thought, "how would I get in, I don't have the key after all these years."

  But when she reached into her pocket and pulled out the set of keys she found there, she almost dropped them as she stared down at the palm of her hand. There, twinkling at her in the light of the street lamp on the corner, were the keys she remembered were hers nearly fourteen years ago. Almost in a complete daze, she began walking to the bus stop on the corner.

  "What has happened?" she thought, as she walked "Is this just a dream or am I really back here where I lived almost fourteen years ago?"

  Waking to the sunlight trickling in from the tiny window above her bed, she blinked, rubbed her eyes and blinked again. Looking around the small one room apartment, she still found it difficult to believe it was all here, just like it was all those many years ago. In one corner of the practically square room, the small 5" black and white portable television set, a gift from her parents the Christmas before, sat atop a makeshift bookcase, consisting of three 1' x 6' boards, supported and separated with concrete blocks. A few paperback books and a flourishing plant sat on the shelf directly below the television and approximately two dozen cassette tapes were stacked neatly on the bottom shelf. In another corner, next to the front door, sitting directly on the hardwood floor, was the only seat in the room, her blue beanbag chair. The floor, she noticed from her position on the bed, was still in desperate need of a coat of varnish. The wall opposite the front door supported the small porcelain sink and the two burner stovetop. The fifteen cubic foot white refrigerator, sitting somewhat under the sink, suddenly kicked on, startling her from her gaze.

  Knocking the handmade, country print quilt to the floor as she jumped out of the warm bed, she quickly showered and dressed herself in blue jeans and a white non de-script t-shirt. Glancing at her watch as she closed the front door, she thought to herself, "7:30 am, I need to find out what year it really is and figure out what I do next.” At the quaint, practically empty of customers, convenience store at the end of the block, she bought a newspaper and small container of orange juice. Stepping out into the cool morning air, she nearly dropped the juice from her hands as her eyes focused on the date, just to the right of the newspaper’s name,

  "Staten Island Chronicle, Wednesday, February 19, 1981," she mumbled in astonishment.

  "No, this really must be a dream," she said quietly to herself, "but it feels so real."

  Walking back to her apartment, her thoughts swirling in total confusion, "Okay," she thought "where did I work fou
rteen years ago, and will I be late?"

  Rushing through the doors of the Quality Life Insurance building, she braced herself for more "Hi, what's your name" just like she had received the night before at Bible Study. Instead she was greeted with "Hi's" and smiles and "What's gotten into you, you look like you've seen a ghost or something”, that one coming from Shannon, the receptionist, and her good friend, “Or at least she was 14 years ago”, Sarah thought as she returned the greetings.

  "Oh, hi everyone, no, Shannon, I just had a really weird dream last night, I'll tell you all about it later" came her reply.

  The days flew by for her, and with each passing day, she began to accept her place and her memories of her other life had all but faded from her thoughts. She glanced up from her place on the floral sofa at Brian, whom sat in a matching straight back chair almost directly opposite her in the quaint country style living room, where the weekly Bible Study Group meeting was about to begin.

  "Brian certainly is a handsome man," she thought "with his chestnut brown hair, trimmed so neatly, almost touching his collar in the back" her thoughts continued.

  He wore it parted to the left, though not really defined, which she thought made him look adorable. She also took notice of his deep brown eyes and long dark eye lashes, the kind women would die for, not to mention his sensuous mouth. Her memory flipped back to that night long ago, when Brian first kissed her.

  "But wait," she thought, "that was in March of 1981, and this is only February. Does this mean I get a chance to do it all over again? Is that why I'm here, for a second chance?"

  That thought caused her to shiver inside, no wait, glancing around the room, she realized that she had outwardly shivered, thankfully no one had appeared to notice.

  After the closing prayer, she stood in the tiny kitchen waiting for a cup of steaming hot chocolate. Lost in her own thoughts momentarily, (something she did a lot these days) she was unaware that Brian had entered the kitchen and was standing practically right next to her. He was speaking to Mrs. Fenton and was turned slightly away from her. She glanced up and saw the striking profile of him, as he appeared deep in conversation with Mrs. Fenton. Suddenly he turned towards her and she, startled, nearly dropping the hot chocolate she had just been handed.

  "Hi," he said, "I met you last week but you probably don't remember my name." "Sarah, I'm Brian," he said, and offering his hand to her, continued, "Nice to meet you, again."

  Struggling for control of her voice, she smiled back at him and said "Hi, Brian, nice to meet you, again, too."

  They both turned simultaneously and together, walked back into the living room. Everyone was preparing to leave so she picked up her jacket, too, and headed for the door. He had been detained just outside the kitchen door as they had entered the living room, so she turned and left the apartment.

  He caught up with her just as she stepped out onto the dimly lit street, preparing to cross.

  "Sarah, wait up," he called, "can I walk with you?" he asked, as he reached her.

  "Sure," was her reply, "though I'm only going to the end of the street, to the bus stop".

  "Okay," he said, and fell in step beside her.

  Neither one said anything for a moment then he broke the silence "It sure is nice to have you in Bible Study. “Are you planning on going on the retreat next month?" He asked.

  "The retreat? Oh, yeah, I had heard about it,“ she said, "but I haven't really decided yet."

  "Well, if you go it'll be a lot of fun," he said, just as they reached the bus stop.

  "Well, here's where I get off," she said, with a slight giggle in her voice. "Guess I'll see you next week Brian, good night."

  The smile that spread over his face brought out the dimples in each cheek and his eyes caught the glow from the street lamp and twinkled as he said "Good night Sarah," and walked back across the street.

  She watched as he strode across the street "If he turns around and looks back at me I'll know he's interested in me," she thought.

  "That's silly, of course he's interested in you, or at least he was nearly fourteen years ago, the first time we met," she continued.

  She shuddered, and simultaneously, he turned a backward glance at her, and waved. She smiled.

  Chapter Two

  Before she realized it, March was upon her and the retreat was only two days away. She found herself wondering if it was going to be just like it had been before, or was she supposed to do something to change the

  outcome. Now, she was more confused than ever. If this really wasn't a dream, if she had somehow been sent back to do a part of her life over, what was she supposed to do, how was she going to manage to change her life? As she packed for the retreat, she found herself praying out loud to God (something that had become almost a daily ritual since this whole ordeal began)

  "Dear Jesus," she prayed, "please quiet me during this weekend, show me Your will Lord and help me to understand what it is I am supposed to do. I cannot do this alone, Lord, and especially now, I am so confused about all that is happening to me Lord. I ask all this in Your precious and Holy name, Amen."

  The bus trip to the retreat was uneventful, a lot of singing and praying. She had a seat to herself (much to her disappointment).

  "That's okay," she thought, "I rode to the retreat by myself the first time too."

  Her thoughts were interrupted as Brian; standing in the aisle in front of her seat, said "Hi, Sarah, having fun?"

  "Yeah, sure," she said in return. "Want to join me? she asked.

  "No, but thanks, I'm heading up front to sit with Tom," He said, then turned and walked back towards the front of the bus.

  She turned her face and looked out the window at the pine trees whipping by the bus as it sped along. It was rather eerie to look out the window and know that she had seen all this before, yet somehow it didn't feel like that. She let her thoughts wander as the hum of the other passenger’s conversations faded away.

  "Hmm," she thought to herself "how did the arrival go the first time I did this? Her mind inquired and her memories raced back to the first evening at the lodge.

  More specifically, after almost everyone else had gone to bed. She had decided to take a short walk outside before retiring for the night, and just as she was returning to the lodge, someone called her name, softly the first time and then slightly louder as apparently they believed she hadn’t heard them the first time. Turning, she saw that is was Brian who had called out to her, his breath still lingering in front of his face.

  She tried to suppress the shudder she felt as their eyes met. "Hi, Brian, out for a walk too?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant and failing miserably.

  "Yes, it sure is a beautiful night." was his reply.

  Reaching the doorway where she stood, he smiled, his entire face lighting up as he did. Pulling open the door, he held it open for her to pass through.

  "Quite the gentleman," she thought to herself.

  As the door closed silently behind them, she noted that no one else appeared to be up. He glanced down at her, looking as if he had just read her thoughts. She blushed, then hoped he thought it was just her cheeks being flushed from the cold air outside.

  "Want some hot chocolate?” he was asking, bringing her out of her inner thoughts,

  “Sure would," was her reply.

  Lingering over their hot chocolate, they were leaning against the bar which was really a pass-through window from the kitchen into the dining hall, but had about a two foot wide counter top to place things on. On one side of this opening were the essentials for coffee, obviously set out to be ready for the morning. Closest to where they were standing, was a jar of instant coffee. As he reached through
the window and placed their cups into the sink, he moved closer to where she was nervously standing, her heart almost stopped as he smiled down at her, his face just inches from hers. And then he did exactly what she both hoped and feared he would do, he bent his head toward hers and gently kissed her quivering lips. When he pulled away slightly and looked into her eyes, she noticed that his eyes were shimmering with delight. Once again he bent his head toward hers and placed his lips upon hers. This kiss was longer and as it progressed, became deeper and just as she was losing the battle between her body and her mind, her arms aching to embrace his lean body, he wrapped his strong arms almost completely around her petite body and deepened his kiss. His tongue gently slipped between her full lips and began exploring her mouth. She did her best to control the shivers he was creating, and deeply blushed as she heard the sigh escape from her throat. After what seemed like hours, he once again pulled away from her, though he still held her in his embrace. They stood that way for a few minutes and then he started to shift their bodies as he bent his head down for another kiss. Suddenly, there was a loud crash, which caused them both to jump. In the shifting of their bodies, someone's elbow (she still doesn't know whose it was) had bumped the instant coffee jar and sent it crashing to the floor. They both stood there momentarily, almost as if frozen, then suddenly, as if on cue, they both burst into laughter, in unison, which caused them to laugh even harder.

  She wasn’t certain if he was embarrassed by what had happened, or had just realized that things were moving rather fast, because after sweeping up the mess, he ended their little make-out session abruptly by suddenly taking her by the hand and walking her to the women’s dorm door. She wasn’t certain how she had managed to get her weak, quivering legs to follow him, but they did, and all too quickly, he was wishing her a good night’s rest, brushed a light kiss across her forehead and turned away, walking the expanse of the great dining hall to the men’s side. She slipped quickly into the room and quietly, so as not to wake the women in the bedrooms nearby, closed the door, hoping he had not seen her “rush off” like she was frightened of him or of what had transpired between them. She crawled into her bed after changing into her pajamas and praying she would fall asleep quickly, that the memories of the evening wouldn’t keep her awake.