Forgetting What Lies Behind

by Marcy Pacino

  Waking up to Sarah’s gently nudging, he asked “Wow, how do you do it everyday and still have time for me in the evenings?”

  She just smiled to herself and escorted her husband, still a little groggy, to their bedroom.

  As Sarah was preparing for the twins’ first birthday celebration, alone yet again that evening, another memory suddenly crashed in on her thoughts. Another first birthday party, twins too. No not twins, friend’s children, one day apart. The girl Shannon was hers; Billy was her friend Debbie’s son. In that memory she saw several friends and then she saw him, Jeremy, her husband in her first life. And next to him was Jason; my how he’d grown. The memory disappeared as quickly as it had appeared, but the feeling it left with Sarah stayed with her the rest of the evening. As she crawled into bed a little later, she tried to understand what was happening to her.

  To help herself understand, she openly prayed to God, “Dear God,” she began, “what is happening to me? Why am I experiencing these memories from my first life? I thought I was brought back to 1981 to redo part of my life, was I wrong? If I am wrong, why then did You give me the opportunity? Lord, I need Your help to understand what exactly it is I’m supposed to be doing here. Please, Lord, I am asking You for guidance. I ask all this in Your precious and Holy name, Amen.”

  Still troubled, she finally dozed off and didn’t hear when Brian came in. The birthday party went off without a hitch, though the feelings from the night before were still with her. Brian noticed she was a little subdued and wandered over to where she was, to see what was bothering her. She reassured him that nothing was wrong; she was just tired. A few evenings later, alone once again, she had decided to retire early and had just settled into bed when another memory descended upon her. This one, however, was extremely vivid. It was the first time she and Jeremy had made love. They had dated for six months when he asked her to marry him. They were married three months later and this was their wedding night. He had carried her into their new apartment and set her down on the sofa, not wanting to seem too much in a hurry. He joined her and as they embraced, a flood of desire burst forth, evident to both of them. As his hands began caressing over her body, the passion between became extremely intense. Suddenly, he broke their passionate kiss and stood up. Bending down toward her, he simultaneously planted another passionate kiss on her trembling lips and lifted her into his arms. Still locked in their passionate kisses, he gently laid her on their brand new queen size, pillow top bed. Quickly, their bodies became entangled as their hands eagerly explored each other, no longer needing to deny the passion between them. Suddenly the memory disappeared and Sarah lay there in bed, visibly shaken from the memory. A short while later, as Brian was crawling into their bed, she was still trying to shake that memory of her and Jeremy. Brian reached out and drew her into his arms. As the caresses began, she found herself comparing Brian and Jeremy. Brian was tall, lean and muscular and Jeremy was only about six inches taller than Sarah and although has a toned body, he was not what one would consider muscular. As Brian’s larger hands softly caressed her bare body, she shivered, her mind imagining Jeremy’s slightly smaller hands, eager with passion, exploring her body. As their love making ended, she rolled over, visibly shaken by what had just happened. Never before had she imagined, and with such intensity, another man while she was with Brian. Brian, obviously passing off her actions to her being tired, snuggled up to her, kissed her shoulder, mumbled “goodnight” and drifted off to sleep. Sarah laid awake for hours, totally confused with what was happening to her.

  Chapter Twelve

  With the twins now a year old and Thomas three, Nancy wasn’t really needed anymore. She and Sarah still saw each other at least once a week, and several times during their visits Sarah wanted so much to confide to her about her memories. She refrained only because she had a difficult enough time understanding it, how could she expect anyone else to understand? She decided to enroll in a photography class at the junior college two evenings a week. Brian seemed to work late almost every evening and Sarah couldn’t stand being cooped up in the house day and night with the kids. She enjoyed her class and was learning a lot. Her favorite subjects to practice with, of course, were her three adorable children. Ashley and Eric although twins were far from identical. Ashley’s hair had grown in quite thick sandy blond curls framing her soft round face and accentuated her big, deep blue eyes. Erik, though his hair had come in thick too, it lacked any curl. His hair was identical to his big brother’s and his father’s, but his big round eyes were deep blue like his sister’s and mother’s.

  Sarah began to realize that she and Brian had begun to drift apart. Brian spent so much time at his job and even occasionally worked weekends. When he was home on the weekends, there always seemed to be something around the house or yard that needed to be done. Sarah thoroughly enjoyed her photography class and cherished her friendship with Nancy. She admitted to Nancy one afternoon as they watched the children play at the park, that she and Brian seem to be growing apart. She even admitted that although their lovemaking still was extremely passionate, it was sometimes weeks between them. Nancy, not sure what to say, tried to reassure her that it was a natural thing that happens to all married couples (though in her heart she realized their marriage might indeed be in trouble).

  Brian brought up at dinner that night the upcoming men’s retreat next weekend, and told Sarah he had signed up and planned to go. Sarah, glancing up from her still full dinner plate, tried to hide the disappointment she was feeling as she nodded that she had heard him. They fell silent again. It wasn’t that she didn’t want him to grow in his walk with Christ; it’s just that they never spent any time together, especially alone, and a weekend apart wasn’t what she is hoping he was going to say. That night, she decided she was going to try and add some spark back into their marriage. After all, marriage is for forever, so they needed to make it the best they can.

  Sarah waved goodbye to him as he backed their blue Nissan Stanza out of the driveway. He returned the wave, then, blew a kiss to their only daughter, Ashley.

  “Mommy?” Ashley inquired, “where’s Daddy going?”

  “On a retreat with lots of other men,” was Sarah’s reply.

  “Will he be home for my birthday?” She asked.

  “Yes sweetheart, Daddy will be home by then.” “He’s only going to be gone for the weekend. He should be home by dinner time on Sunday after church.” Sarah replied, smiling to herself since Ashley and Eric’s birthday was still two months away. Closing the front door Sarah braced herself for more questions; surprisingly none came.

  The weekend went by swiftly without incident making Sarah very grateful, as she was busy trying to pull together a romantic getaway as soon as possible. She had the dates chosen after scrutinizing both Brian’s calendar and hers, the location reserved and the babysitter tentatively arranged. Brian came home from the retreat very fired up and things seem to improve a little between them. But too quickly the old patterns re-emerge and Sara was all the more looking forward to the surprise weekend. After dinner Wednesday night and the kids had been put to bed, Sarah approached Brian who had sat down to watch a ballgame. Seeing that there was a commercial on she addressed him and told them she had a surprise for him.

  He turned and said “a surprise what for?”

  “For us, some alone time, just the two of us” Sarah said.

  “Without the children?”

  “Yes”

  “Oh, when?” he asked.

  “This weekend, all the arrangements have been made.” Sarah said in a rush, holding her breath and praying he would respond positively.

  “I guess that’s ok, when do we leave?”

  “Friday, as soon as you get home from work. I already checked your schedule and you should be able to be home by 4:00 p.m.”

 
“Okay” he said and turned his attention back to the television, the game just about to start. Sarah let out the breath she had been holding and walked off toward the kitchen with a spring in her step.

  Friday came and Sarah found that she was actually nervous. She had packed both of their bags and was sitting on the love seat in the family room when she heard Brian drive up. She was just rising when he came through the door, looking a little haggard. Alarmed, she hurried to him and asked if he felt ok. He said he was just tired and needed a shower, then headed upstairs. Sarah tried to relax but found she was pacing the floor. Thirty minutes later they were on their way. She tried to keep the conversation light but was deeply disturbed because he seemed even more withdrawn than ever.

  His mood seemed to brighten a little when she directed him to the cute cabin sitting on the lake, tucked into the hills of the mountain. To say it was picturesque would be an understatement. The two-room cabin was more than Sarah had hoped for. The hardwood floor sparkled from the sunlight streaming in from the big picture windows situated along one wall. The rustic loveseat and coffee table fit perfectly in the living area. The kitchen area, though tiny, was well stocked with dishes, pots and pans and towels. The bedroom housed a queen size bed piled high with a down comforter and a coverlet, both in antique white. The double fireplace was built into the wall opposite the foot of the bed and also opened into the living area across from the love seat. Sliding their bags into the closet, Sara joined Brian who was still on the little porch out front. He was gazing up at the mountain peak, still covered with snow, a troubled look on his face. Trying to remove that look, Sarah pasted a bright smile on her face when she turned to speak to him.

  “Hungry?” She asked.

  “What, oh sorry, I was lost in thought, what did you say?” he asked.

  “I asked you if you were hungry” she said trying to keep the irritation out of her voice.

  “Umm, sure, Ok” came his reply.

  They headed back to their car and Sarah, looking at the map, directed Brian to the only restaurant within 20 miles of the cabin. Surprisingly, the food was great and wonderful, though Brian remained quiet and withdrawn. Arriving back at the cabin, Brian got out first and walked the few feet to the river’s edge. He stood there, almost as if he were mesmerized by the water flowing swiftly downstream. Sarah approached and stood next to him, not touching him. They stood that way for a few minutes, then, she bravely placed her hand on his shoulder. Brian shuddered, almost as if he had been brought back from another place in his mind. He gave no other sign that he knew she was there. A few minutes later he turned and walked into the cabin. Sarah followed silently behind him, her heart breaking with every step. She paused in the quaint living area to take a moment to recover; she could hear Brian rustling around in the bedroom. A couple minutes later, she ventured into the bedroom. Brian was already in bed, propped against the fluffy white pillows, still awake. He gave her a faint smile as she entered. She walked over to his side of the bed, thankful there was a single light burning on the nightstand on the opposite side of the bed, held her breath, reached behind her to unzip her dress and let it fall to the floor. If Brian was surprised by her actions, or the fact she was wearing a sexy black teddy, he didn’t show it. She stood there for a moment, almost visibly shaking, not so much from the cold but the boldness of her actions.

  Brian’s eyes met hers, again he smiled slightly and said “I’m tired, good night Sarah” rolled over and prepared to go to sleep.

  She stood there another minute, not fully grasping what had just happened. Then she moved into the bathroom to change into her, housewife nightgown, the tears beginning to well up in her eyes. Closing the door between them, she sat on the close lidded toilet, burying her hands in her face. When she stood up, she looked at herself in the mirror and tried to comprehend what had happened. Her figure was great, even after having two children three years ago, so she could not understand. She wiped away the tears, threw on the other nightgown over her head and went to join her husband, now fully asleep. In the dark bedroom, snuggled under the warm bed covers, Sarah sought God to give her the peace she needed to fall asleep.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Sarah smiled contently as she felt Brian rise from the bed beside her.

  Jerking awake, Sara thought, “No, it can’t be, he already left for work.”

  Sarah quickly glanced around, and she realized she was “back to her real life” as she took in the white Priscilla curtains and matching white lace comforter crumpled around her on the queen size bed. Not wanting to but feeling the pull, she raised her left hand to where she could see, and yes, that three quarter caret diamond ring sparkled at her, as if to say “yes, it’s real.” Suddenly Jeremy emerged from the master bathroom. Quickly Sarah closed her eyes and pretended to still be asleep as she listened to Jeremy quietly dress and carefully close the master bedroom door as he left for the office. It was earlier than she thought when she first woke up. Sarah tried to shake herself and will herself back to Brian. She could still feel his embrace and the caress of his lips on hers.

  Guiltily she suddenly thought “oh my, have I just committed adultery?”

  She chided herself “don’t be silly, it was just a dream even though it felt so real”.

  The alarm clock sounded, bringing Sarah out of her thoughts and she reached over to turn it off. Just then, Maggie bounded into the room and jumped on the bed.

  “Good morning, Mommy” she exclaimed in her quiet little voice.

  At almost 5, Maggie was Sarah’s “baby”. With her blonde, curly locks reaching just below her waist, a little disheveled this morning, and her ocean blue eyes, she reminded Sarah of an angel. “An angel who gets into trouble” thought Sarah to herself just as Amy joined her sister on the bed. Amy, almost the complete opposite of Maggie, had dark brown hair, cut to her shoulders, and straight. It couldn’t even hold a curl if it was set overnight. Her big blue eyes were complimented with a dusting of freckles across the bridge of her petite nose. At 7, she stood just a half a head taller than her baby sister. Taking her eyes off the girls, Sarah saw Jason teetering in the doorway, one broad shoulder leaning against the jamb.

  “Good morning, Jason” she said, with a smile on her face and in her voice.

  As he took a step into the bedroom, Maggie scrambled off the bed to race over to her brother. He towered over her and caught her as she threw her arms around him in a dramatic gesture.

  “Time to get up and get going” Sarah said to no one in particular.

  All three kids scrambled out of her room, the girls heading for the kitchen ready for breakfast and Jason for the bathroom for the chance of an uninterrupted shower. Sarah dragged herself from the warmth and memories the bed held, stretched and sighed, saying to herself “guess it’s back to the grind stone” and slipping on her robe headed toward the kitchen to assist the girls with their cereal.

  The house seemed extremely quiet as Sarah closed the door after waving to her children as they boarded the bright yellow school bus. She went back into the master bedroom, and collecting her Bible, headed out onto the deck, directly off the master bedroom. She settled into one of the purple and yellow floral padded chairs and placed both of her feet on the matching ottoman. Sighing, she leaned back and closed her eyes for a moment to settle her racing thoughts. She still couldn’t figure out exactly what had happened, whether it was real or only a dream. It seemed so real, yet nothing was different at home. She focused her thoughts and lifted a silent prayer to God for wisdom and guidance. Opening her eyes, she opened her Bible Study book and began working on the assignment for the day.

  Two weeks later, as Sarah was putting away the last load of clothes she had just finished folding, Jeremy called to say he wasn’t going to make it home for dinner because he wanted to stay at the office and w
ork on his Bible study. Jeremy was a co-leader of a men’s Bible study, which met every Thursday evening. Hanging up, Sarah seemed more disappointed than usual. Sitting down on the edge of the master bed, she looked back over the past couple of weeks and realized how inattentive Jeremy seemed to be, and not very physical either. In fact, other than the quick “hello” kiss she received when he arrived home each day, nothing else had gone on. Sarah decided to change that and searched through her dresser drawer, looking for her sexiest nightie and planned the evening.

  Sarah checked one more time on Maggie and Amy, both of whom were sprawled across their beds fast asleep, covers crumpled at their feet. She tiptoed in and covered each girl as she sent up a quiet prayer of thankfulness and asked God to watch over and protect them. She reminded Jason of “lights out” and headed for the bedroom. She had just lit the last candle when she heard the garage door opening, signaling that Jeremy was home. She slid into the bed and waited, a little excited. Jeremy seemed a little surprised when he walked into the bedroom, but made no comment as he shed his clothes, pulled on pajama bottoms and slid into bed beside her. She snuggled closer. Jeremy accepted her offer for a back rub, flipped quickly onto his stomach and got comfortable. After a few minutes, she leaned close to his ear and whispered his name. Much to her surprise, she discovered Jeremy was asleep! She crawled out of bed and extinguished the candles before returning to her side of the bed. Disappointed, she prayed she’d fall asleep quickly.