Broken Love

by Lucy Harvey

  My heart warmed for Roman. He did it.

  Reverting my attention back to the reporter she proceeded by praising him, “The local forces, international emergency services and even officials of the white house have been said to personally thank none other than our own Roman Court.”

  The reporter standing professionally in a navy skirt suit goes onto give background information of his life and achievements but I’m locked in time staring at his picture. Not once since I left him warm and peaceful in that bed have I laid eyes on him.

  “Babe, you look like you have seen a ghost. What is it?” Troy moved his hand forward to caress mine and ease my beating heart.

  “I just need to get home as soon as possible.” I declared and we made our exit.

  Troy and I met at the beginning of my trip both as interns flying in from the U.K to begin this endeavor together. From day one he had been my solid ground and comforting rock. The thought of surviving these recent weeks without him were almost unfathomable.

  “Hey Lil, what have you decided.”

  Troy walks into our joint temporary apartment handing me a takeout Mocha. His blonde surfer hair windswept and messy from his recent shower. He stands in nothing but jogger shorts with his bare feet now covering my legs as I sprawl out on the mahogany cuddle chair.

  “I don’t know. I mean I have loved it here but to fully move out here is a big step. Then the thought of leaving all this behind scares me, I may never get a chance like this again.” I confess to him.

  Just one week previous we had both been offered permanent placements here in New York. Troy did not even have to consider it, his boyfriend moved out here just a few months before so the majority of his time would be here anyway. I on the other hand had my whole life back home. More importantly, he was back home.

  As soon as I got out the airport I breathed in that familiar scent and welcomed the traditional English weather, I could finally rest at ease in a normal humidity. I said goodbye to Troy and confirm plans to meet up next week.

  “I promise I will have my mind made up.” I humored him.

  Albie and Cole stood in the car park ready to collect me. I hoped he had been looking out for her whilst I had been away. Just days after I left to venture to NYC Albie came home, I prepped Cole with all the standard procedures and judging by the phone calls they have been doing just swell.

  It was only then once I was on solid ground, familiar turf, in which I remembered what I was soon to face.

  You don’t need to do it Lily, we can do it.

  Acting as though I had not heard a thing I headed towards the car enveloping Albie and Cole in a simultaneous hug.

  “Lily you look amazing. NYC has given you some bad girl attitude I can tell.” Albie greeted me. She held my hands in each of hers whilst her eyes studied and read me.

  The third day away Troy convinced me I needed a new look. Before we started work we used our free time to hit the famous New York shopping center and do some serious damage to our bank accounts. What used to freely fall down my back or shape a restless nest on the very top my head was now a trimmed sophisticated hair style that rested just below my shoulders.

  Once all three of us are settled in the car I kicked off my black heeled pumps and tried to relax.

  “So has anything changed since I’ve left?” I asked in search of only one answer.

  Every day that I had been away Roman went to the extremes just so that I knew I was on his mind. At first all I felt was pain that soon faded into anger. The more time I spent with Troy the more my heart softened and the more it yearned for him.

  Troy was key in my acceptance. Having someone with no emotional investment in the situation was the salvation I needed. His understanding outlook made me feel comforted and understood. Troy told me all about a previous lover of his, his last worlds were that he would always regret what he didn’t do, not what he did.

  What I was left to figure out on my own was whether I would regret not giving Roman another chance or not letting him go.

  As much as I wanted to I didn’t reply to a single one of his desperate attempts to reach out to me. Now I wanted to know how Roman was, if he has moved on or if he meant what he said.

  Deep in my heart I know that for me it will only be him. I could fall in love with someone else, I could kid myself with believing it all happened for a reason. At the end of the day nothing would compare to the fierceness and depth of which I loved Roman.

  Cole and Albie share a look I cannot seem to calculate but after the exhaustion of my flight I am too tired to try and read minds.

  “I’ve been offered a permanent teaching job at the ‘The Westland High’, not just in music either but to co-teach music and English.” Cole announced, I leapt forward from the back seat to kiss him on his cheek.

  “Cole that’s brilliant, are you going to take it? I know most of your life is back home but I moved to Plymouth and I love it. If I can you can.” I encouraged him. The thought of having my brother just a stone throw away comforted me.

  “I said yes. I’m currently looking for somewhere to rent so don’t worry I don’t expect to free load at yours.” He ended the sentence in a chuckle but he knew he was welcome for as long as necessary.

  Cole and Albie exchanged small talk and squabbled over the music choice as I uncomfortably sat in the back of the car. Scanning my nails and picking at the already chipped nail varnish I pondered over what color to paint them next. When I next look out of the window I notice we have trailed from the path that leads back to mine.

  “Where are you taking me? This isn’t the way to mine?” The amount of times my brother has visited me or anywhere for that matter, surely he could not be lost.

  Neither of them answered and Albie was quick to divert the conversation. I chose not to push because I was in awe of this version of her. Cole warned me about how she sometimes gets lost in herself, that I needed to be wary but in all she is completely transformed.

  “Right you need to put this over your eyes before you can get out of the car.” Cole proclaimed as he handed me a silver slither of silk material.

  As I ran the blindfold through my fingers I compared how similar it appeared to one Roman had used on me. Quickly I banished the thought to the discarded area of my brain. Without questioning I slid the blindfold on. Most likely my parents had threw me a coming home party to celebrate my safe trip. If they found out I fished for answers and ruined the surprise my mother would have a fit.

  I heard the door open and Cole took hold of my wondering hand. Lifting me from the seat he helped me find my balance. As he led me towards the unknown destination Albie was quick to warn me of the pavement so I didn’t trip.

  “Oh god what are you doing to me.” I questioned as the anxiety started to seep through.

  Once inside the building Cole let go of my shaking hand conveying my nervous state. All around the blindfold lit up as a light switch was turned on. I was met with a sea of voices chanting ‘Welcome back’. I snatched the blindfold from my eyes and cried at the picture in front of me.

  All my friends, family, friend’s family and family friends were gathered around me. As thankful as I am they all made an extra effort to be here I wonder why they have gone to such extremes. Slowly I span around drinking in the décor of the room.

  It lookedamazing, like no expense was spared.

  Pink, silver and black banners and streamers were hung from the ceilings and walls. The lights dim and flashes of color swirl all around us. To the left there were material table and chair sets for the older relatives to rest. To the right held a large table with a buffet fit for a grand ceremony. Once again I was left to question why they had gone to so much trouble. Then I wondered why no one has approached me.

  I look around the room at my guests noticing they are all standing from a far watching me. Before I had chance to speak the music cut to that stupid song I would rather drink sick than listen to and from nowhere appeared a spot light.

  Movements a
round me transform fast, a panic settled in me as I gaged who is barging through the crowd of my loved ones.

  Dressed from head to toe in his signature black attire my knight in shining darkness appears before me.

  I was frozen in time not able to move or speak. All I can feel is my heart beat all around me and stray tears treacle down my heating cheeks.

  Roman moved closer and closer taking long strides before we were face to face, chest to chest and the tips of our toes were resting against each other. He took my hand in his whilst my composure crumbled around me.

  He cleared his throat and spoke loud enough for everyone to hear, the music faded out and all attention was on me.

  What the fuck was going on?

  “Lily my sweet Angel. I do not even know where to begin. I want to start by saying I am truly sorry, all I can do now is promise to spend the remainder of my days making it up to you. This heart you gave me has ceased to exist the entire time you have been away and I never want to feel that way again. It wasn’t over every time I failed to accept you were meant for me, it was not over when you left and it still isn’t over.”

  He took my lips owning them like there was nothing between us or around us. My wanting body reciprocated and answered his call like always. I felt him pull back taking my sanity with him. Roman dropped to the floor taking my left hand so steadily in his clutches. Will our bodies always fit together this way? No matter how placed together they always fit and complete each other.

  “Lily, will you do me the honor of becoming my love that never alters, my Angel of salvation, will you become my wife?”

  One year later –

  In a perfect world I would be able to look back on the day that Roman proposed and say we lived happily ever after. Unfortunately, I discovered long ago that a perfect world is not the world in which we live in. Of course I wanted to say yes, he would say jump and I would forever respond with how high? But I was no longer in control of my own mind to respond.

  Pretty soon my medication rejection had caught up with me and whilst I had buried every sign of my triggers, they were conjuring and exploding inside of me. Just days after Roman shocked with me with his proposal I relapsed, I relapsed hard. The details of my downfall still linger in my subconscious, I’m desperate to remember and my therapist thinks we are almost there.

  So many things began to surface, although so many revelations of my downfall are still yet to be discovered, it was too much to bare.

  The irony of where we began is almost humorous. Roman and I started with a wedding and now we end with one. Today I smooth down my dress – my own wedding dress. A beautiful ivory silk gown hugging at my curves and flowing into a mesmerizing fish tale.

  Through every step of my recovery he was there, just like I was for his. He finally showed me that he would always be there.

  I recite my vows with nothing but the most genuine sincerity in my blooming heart. It may have been a long and windy road but we got here.

  When people ask me about our fairytale I am still yet to give them an answer because we have only just started living it. Like I have said and will continue to always repeat – love is about the journey not the destination.

  Looking back at our distorted time together living in this emotional whirlwind, who would have thought we would survive the odds? I did. A hopeless romantic escaping her own demons by banishing others. I believed in Roman from the word go, my heart sang to his and for once I was right to believe in the magic of the world.

  Although at the time he didn’t believe it himself Roman was right. Sometimes there is an exception, sometimes the light banishes all the darkness.

  Our story is far from over and we are nowhere near our perfect happy ending but that does not matter because finally we are getting there – together.

  Me and my knight in blinding darkness.

  Him and his heavenly Angel of salvation.

  Lily’s road to recovery was long and painful but not a fraction as torturous as what I had forsaken her too. Every day since that engagement I have spent making it up to her in some way. My mind roared wild with idea after idea, in the end all I needed to do was be there and love her. Show her for once I was truly sticking around.

  When I think of her in that hospital bed lost in the pits of her own mind my body shakes with anger. To this day I still know every detail of her downfall was nobody’s fault but my own. Lily tries to comfort me, trying her best to remind me it was her that chose me and I am not responsible.

  I tend to not let my mind hover over those moments that caused us such pain and despair. I have spent my life living in the past trying to claw back things that no longer existed. The day I made a vow to marry Lily was the day I promised to look forward.

  Every single day brings something new and genuine. We have our ups and downs but that’s because she is my soul’s replicate. We clash and burn and fight but what we have counteracts it all.

  “I’m going to ruin that sweet cunt of yours Angel.”

  Each one of Lily’s limbs are strung to the posters of our bed in our new home – resembling nothing of our old ones and completely new in every essence of the word. I watch and smirk at her struggling body knowing my smug grin only infuriates her further.

  I removed the cut of silk tied around her mouth as I gage she is trying to speak.

  “That would require you actually fucking me Roman.” She teases and goads with her smart mouth. I will spend the remainder of my days filling that smart mouth and it will still not be enough.

  The choir begin to sing and the guests take to their feet. Slowly I turn my stance to witness the most heavenly portrayal of salvation to have ever been witnessed. My sweet Angel enters the modern church, her dress is beautiful I’m sure but I can only see her smile.

  Her father removes his arm from hers and plants a kiss on her forehead, I hear the word proud and then he faces me.

  “There is no one more deserving of my baby girl and no one that can make her happier than you, take care of her.” He shakes my hand then entwines it with Lily’s.

  To hear those words be spoken in reference to me fill me with pride and comfort. She will always be safe with me. It wasn’t so long ago that it was a different story.

  I cannot wait to be told when to kiss the love of my life so before the entire congregation I remove her veil taking her beautiful face in my hands. I crash my lips to Lily’s plush mouth and kiss the air out of her lungs. No words on earth can describe my love for this girl.

  Lily and I return our attention to the pastor before us. I tilt my head and send a silent prayer to the other angel in my life, my dear sister.

  “Dearly beloved.”

  This is the story of how Lily saved me.

  The story of how we reached our happily ever after is yet to come. For now, I am dying to enjoy my wedding night with the girl of my dreams.

  Keep reading for an extract of ‘First Love’ the second installment of ‘The Illusion Series’

  Everybody falls in love whether the connection be blindly or on purpose, knowingly or not. Some choose to admit the welcome sensation and embrace it whilst others choose to run scared. It could be something as simple as your favorite song, your first toy, the feel of a new sweater or the excitement of an occasion.

  I only ever had one love and his name was Dixon Court.

  Dixon was my reason to breathe. He was my best friend, my soul mate, my husband and everything in between. He was the light in a dark place, the rhythm of a hypnotic symphony and the familiarity of a safe haven.

  But just like songs become repetitive and children become bored of their first toys, just like you outgrow a favorite sweater and just like you no longer anticipate the excitement of Christmas - Dixon outgrew me.

  It had been exactly one year since the day we split and I was no closer to building a life without him. I had done my best to avoid him at all costs and convey I was doing just fine.

  But now I was home in the town where we stood before ever
yone we loved and promised our vows, where he only lived ten minutes from me. Where his brother and my best friend were now living their own happily ever after and where all the memories that threatened to destroy me were born.

  I couldn’t give Dixon what he wanted so I set him free because that is what love is, putting their happiness before yours. It was no less painful. The thought of not having him near was easier to contend with when we were apart but now we would meet again face to face and I was anticipating our awaited reunion.

  Would he still be the Dixon Court that stole my heart or would he toss it back as someone completely new.

  All I knew for sure was that I would never be strong enough to leave him behind completely. I made a mistake walking out on him, I am home to fight for my forever.

  When a man makes a decision it is for life, we have one set goal and we are not happy until it is complete. Once we have what we long for we are content, so why is it so different for women?

  I thought that Harley and I had it all. I was wrong. She was the air in my lungs, the beat in my heart and the song in my head but I was nothing to her, I was just a disposable asset that done her wrong. Just one more irrelevant check on her to-do list.

  There was a way of life that Harley chose to live by. A schedule. That fucking stupid schedule.

  Harley began to ache for a different life, a life I could not accept and I became a shadow of the man that deserved her. That day she left I prayed on every single one to follow that she would come back to me with nothing but the begging of my forgiveness.

  Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. It taints everything with darkness and hate. Now I hated Harley. Spending so many nights replaying how she left with-out so much as a second glance; I swore I would never let a woman hold that power over me again. But now she was back and I was dying to make her pay. Ruin her like she so effortlessly ruined me.