Innocent Hearts

by Radclyffe

  "I love you, Kate, I love you," she finally whispered, her face pressed to Kate's neck, as Kate arched under her, an inarticulate moan escaping her throat.

  Jessie held Kate until she quieted and caressed her lightly while she dozed. She could not remember what her existence had been like before her, and she could not imagine a life without her now.

  * * *

  "I want to come with you," Jessie said stubbornly. They sat just up the road from Kate's house, Star tied to the back of the buckboard, waiting patiently. Darkness was falling, and the night was cold. Kate sat wrapped in a heavy wool blanket, her cloak fastened tightly around her. Jessie wore a heavy sheepskin coat, her hat pulled low, her hands bare. Their breath hung in the air, a reminder that they had very little time before nature made separation inevitable.

  Kate slipped her fingers from her glove and took Jessie's hand. It was warm. "I know you do, Jessie. But let me talk with them first." Her head ached just thinking about what her mother was going to say.

  "They need to know what I feel for you, Kate," Jessie persisted. It was only proper that she speak up. "I don't want you to do this alone. It's not right."

  Kate looked at her quickly, hearing a note of worry in her tone. "You don't think that I'll let them talk me out of it, do you?"

  Jessie turned to her, and the surprise in her eyes reassured Kate.

  "No, Kate, never." Jessie stated firmly. "That's not what I was thinking. I don't suppose there's a word for what we are to each other, but I know that you are the only one I'll ever love. I want us to be together, and the closest word I know to that is married."

  "Yes," Kate responded, her shoulders set with resolve. "Go have supper at the hotel and then come back to the house around eight o'clock. We can all talk then."

  "I can't eat!" Jessie protested. "My stomach feels like a nest of rattlers."

  Kate felt dizzy with apprehension, too. "Then go to the bar and talk to Frank."

  Jessie didn't like it, but they were Kate's parents, and she supposed it made some sense to get them used to the idea before she showed up on their doorstep. She bit back a further protest as she helped Kate down from the wagon. Kate swayed suddenly and Jessie gripped her tightly.

  "What's wrong?" Jessie asked, alarmed at her pallor.

  Kate smiled tremulously, oddly breathless. She shook her head, answering, "It's nothing. I'm just nervous." She reached a hand to brush Jessie's cheek. "I'm fine. You go on now. I'll see you in a little while."

  Jessie stood by the side of the buckboard, watching Kate walk away from her, a sinking feeling in her chest. She felt helpless and suddenly very much afraid.

  * * *

  "Something wrong with Frank's whiskey?" Mae asked. "You been standing there with that same drink in front of you for better than an hour."

  Jessie looked up, a vacant expression in her eyes. She stared at Mae a second, then smiled weakly. "No. His whiskey's fine."

  Mae peered at her, surprised by the bleak tone of her voice. "What's happened? You look like a whipped dog."

  "I feel like one," Jessie said bitterly. "Probably worse."

  Mae motioned to Frank for a bottle. "Bring your glass, and let's sit for a minute, Jess. You'd best tell me what's going on."

  They took a table in the far corner of the saloon, and Jessie told her. She stared at the glass cupped between her fingers, her head down, her voice unsteady, as she spoke of Kate, and their love, and their plans. When she reached the part where she had gone back to the Beecher house that evening, she finally raised her eyes and met Mae's.

  "Her father came to the door and stepped out onto the porch when he saw that it was me," Jessie said hollowly. "He told me, very politely, that Kate was indisposed and could not see me. He also told me he thought it best that I not come around again, seeing that Kate would be very busy soon preparing for her wedding to Mr. Turner."

  She downed the shot, and held out an unsteady hand for the bottle, pouring another. "He never even raised his voice, but the look on his face could have frozen a pond in the middle of summer." She emptied the glass and set it down hard. "I'd rather he hit me."

  Mae stared at her, trying to absorb the tale. As she listened, her emotions had run the gamut from despair to faint hope. Her initial reaction had been shock. She hadn't known what to expect after Kate's visit, but it hadn't been this! Hearing Jessie tell it, watching her face, Mae could see how much Jess loved the girl, and it almost broke her heart. Then, when she heard that Kate's father had put a stop to it, her response had been relief and, God help her, happiness.

  "Maybe it's for the best, Jess," she said gently. You'll get over her, she's not right for you, she wanted to scream. But part of her didn't believe it, as much as she wanted to. She remembered the blaze in Kate's eyes when she had said that she loved Jessie, and she heard the torment in Jessie's voice now. They loved each other all right.

  Jessie's eyes were wounded as she met Mae's gaze. "How?" she asked brokenly. "How could it be for the best? I love her, and she loves me."

  "Her parents would never accept it," Mae continued softly. "A girl like her is supposed to be married. They won't know no other way."

  Jessie swallowed. "What about what she wants? What about Kate's happiness?"

  Mae couldn't help but laugh, but there was no humor in her voice. "Lord's sake, Jess. Whenever did the feelings of a woman matter in these things?"

  "Kate matters, Mae," Jessie said firmly, a spark of life returning to her eyes. "She matters to me more than anything in this world."

  "More than the ranch?" Mae asked, wanting to show Jessie the hopelessness of her dream. "Because if you think they're just gonna let her move on out there with you, without a fight, you're more drunk than two whiskeys will make you."

  Jessie was quiet a long time, thinking about the look on Martin Beecher's face. She knew when a man couldn't be swayed. "No, I suppose they wouldn't."

  "Don't do anything foolish, Montana," Mae said as tenderly as she could. She saw a cowboy approaching from the corner of her eye and cursed under her breath. "Some things aren't meant to be, Jess, even if they are right," she cautioned as she rose to greet the stranger.

  Jessie watched Mae walk away with the cowboy, sad to see her go. She sat for a long time, turning the empty glass on the scarred tabletop, until she knew what she must do.

  CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

  KATE APPROACHED THE Schroeders' back door burdened in body and soul, an overwhelming sense of hopelessness leaving her dazed. She had barely slept, her head ached horribly, and she hadn't been able to manage more than a bit of juice at breakfast. She had no idea how she would get through a morning with Hannah without crying, but the thought of staying at home to face her mother's silent admonitions was even more daunting. As she slowly climbed the stairs to the back porch, the door opened and Hannah Schroeder emerged.

  "Come inside, Kate," she said kindly, holding the door for her. "It's freezing out here."

  Kate nodded absently, but she was having trouble putting one foot in front of the other. Everything seemed so impossible.

  Hannah took her arm, guiding her into the kitchen. The heat from the ovens accosted Kate, and, for an instant, she felt dizzy. She swayed slightly, and Hannah slipped a protective arm around her waist while Kate loosened the scarf at her neck and slipped out of her cloak.

  "Thank you," Kate said hoarsely. Her throat was dry, almost parched.

  Hannah looked at her worriedly and passed a cool hand over her forehead. "You look peaked, Kate. You'd best take care. Sally down at the dry goods store says there's quite a few people down with the grippe."

  Kate shook her head. "I'm fine." She gave a tremulous smile, but her eyes brimmed with tears.

  "Well," Hannah said quietly, "you've got a visitor. Go on into the parlor there. I'll bring you some biscuits and tea. You look like you could use it."

  Kate stared at her, confused. "A visitor?"

  "Go on, now," Hannah urged gently.

  Kate passed t
hrough the quiet house toward the room at the end of the hall where she had met the Schroeders on her very first morning in New Hope. She had been a different woman then, bright and eager and filled with expectations. All she could imagine now was a dark future that held no hope of liberty or love. She stepped into the room and stared at the familiar figure waiting by the window. She closed her eyes briefly, sure that she was dreaming.

  "Jessie?" she whispered when she could speak.

  "Kate."

  And then Jessie's arms were around her and Kate was clinging to her, sobbing. Kate pressed her cheek to Jessie's shoulder, silently seeking shelter in her lover's embrace.

  "Kate," Jessie murmured into her hair, stroking her tenderly. "It's all right. It's all right."

  But Kate knew that it would never be all right again. "Oh, Jessie. I was afraid I might never see you again."

  Jessie's heart thudded painfully at the thought, but she went on as steadily as she could. "Tell me what happened, love."

  Kate spoke slowly, her mind still numb. "My parents think I've become unbalanced. That the move out here from Boston has done things to me." She laughed harshly, a sob forming at the end. "Mother is sure that I've had some kind of breakdown, and Father thinks that being uprooted from home has caused me to suffer a lapse in judgment."

  Jessie shook her head, trying to make sense of Kate's frantic story. "Because you love me?"

  Kate smiled at her, her first real smile. Jessie's steadfast presence settled her nerves, and she felt sanity returning after the nightmare of the previous evening. This, this woman, this love, was real.

  When she spoke again, her voice was calmer. "No, my darling. Because I don't love Ken Turner." At Jessie's continued look of confusion, Kate went on, "My mother actually tried to be understanding. She allowed that women often form 'close affections', particularly during stressful times, but every woman knows that those friendships must take a second seat to the responsibilities of a wife. She thinks that I simply need to see that."

  Jessie grew still as she listened. "They think that if you marry him you won't love me any more?"

  "No," Kate said quietly. "As long as I don't see you, and perform my wifely duties as expected, I don't think it matters at all to them if I love you or not. We will just not speak of it."

  Kate recalled the dark look in her father's eyes as he had pronounced that she would accept Ken Turner's proposal, which she should have done months ago, and that they would hear no more of her foolish desire to live at the Rising Star ranch with Jessie Forbes.

  Jessie's jaw clenched. "Can they force you to marry him?"

  "No," Kate replied. "They love me, despite how it looks. If I refuse, they won't disown me."

  "Well," Jessie sighed. "That's something. Maybe if we give them a little time, and then talk to them again. Together."

  Kate gazed into Jessie's face, her own eyes dark with anguish. She traced the strong line of Jessie's jaw with tremulous fingers, aching with love for her. "My father was quite clear. They'll send me back to Boston as soon as the roads are passable in the spring if I fail to marry by then." Kate's heart nearly broke as she watched the color drain slowly from Jessie's face and her expression collapse with pain.

  "Oh, Lord," Jessie whispered, terror finally making her tremble. "They can't send you away!" Jessie gripped Kate's shoulders in a tortured grasp, her eyes wild. "Can they, Kate?"

  "I am of age, Jessie," Kate said slowly, "but how can I defy them? I have neither funds of my own nor any real means of supporting myself. And where could I go?"

  Jessie's temper flared, although her anger was not at Kate. "You can come to me! I love you, Kate. You belong with me!" Jessie made an effort to control herself. "That's what you want, isn't it? That would make you happy?"

  Kate kissed her quickly. "Oh, Jessie! You make me happier than I've ever been. You are the only thing that matters to me. You must know I love you with all my heart."

  Her voice broke and Jessie's throat tightened with love for her. "Then come be with me," Jessie implored.

  Kate stroked Jessie's arm tenderly. "Oh my love, if only I could. But my father would never allow it! He would look for me there and I won't have you hurt by this!"

  "Hurt!" Jessie cried, her body stiff with rage. "Hurt! How could I live if you were taken from me? I'd have nothing without you!"

  Kate slipped her arms around Jessie's waist, holding her as if never to let her go. "Nor I, without you."

  Moments passed as they stood together, struggling for calm and reason in a world suddenly gone mad. At last Jessie spoke, her voice quiet and resigned. "Then we have to leave here, Kate. We'll go away, further west to the Oregon territory. There's gold there still." She drew another deep breath, her resolve growing. "I can even pass for a man if I need to. It's happened before without my meaning it."

  Kate drew a sharp breath. "No, Jessie! You can't leave the Rising Star! It's your home!"

  Jessie held Kate at arm's length and looked deeply into her eyes. "There would be no home for me anywhere without you, Kate. I will not let you go."

  Kate saw the certainty in Jessie's blue eyes, and something she needed to see even more - the love. "Oh, Jessie, I'm so sorry!" she said.

  Jessie shook her head and smiled tenderly. "It's all right, Kate. Who knows, maybe we'll be able to come back after a season or two." She refused to imagine what it would be like to leave the ranch. She knew what it was like there without Kate, and there was no choice at all as to what needed to be done. "We'll need to leave very soon, before the mountain passes are snowed in."

  Kate stepped away and drew a deep breath, feeling suddenly stronger. "When?"

  "Before the end of the week."

  "Yes," Kate answered, thinking that they had no choice. An instant later she smiled, a thin resolute smile, realizing that for the first time in her life she did have a choice, and her choice was Jessie.

  "When can you be ready to leave, Kate?" Jessie asked quietly.

  "Soon," Kate said purposefully. "There are only a few things that I need to gather without my parents' notice. The day after tomorrow?"

  Jessie nodded, already planning what she needed to buy on her way out of town. She'd settle at the bank and talk to Jed. She could trust him. "We'll leave in two days then."

  Kate flung herself into Jessie's arms. "0h Jessie, my love, I'm so sorry."

  Jessie held her to her breast. "Don't be sorry, Kate. Your love is all that matters to me."

  * * *

  Hannah watched Jessie ride out of the yard. She turned as Kate came quietly into the kitchen.

  "I need to go home, Hannah," Kate said softly. "I'm sorry."

  "No need to be sorry," Hannah said, packing some hot biscuits into a basket along with a jar of jam. "Take these. You'll be hungry sooner or later."

  Kate smiled fondly. "You've been very kind. I don't know how my mother or I would have managed without all your help. Thank you."

  Hannah looked at her steadily, noting the tear stains still damp on her cheeks and the hint of misery in her eyes. It wasn't any of her affair, but it was plain to see that the child was suffering. Seemed to her that Jessie Forbes had looked the same when she had come to the back door just after sun-up asking if she might wait for Kate. Didn't take much sense to see that something serious had happened, and she had a feeling she knew what it was. If it was Martin and Martha coming between those two, she didn't see any hope for it.

  She sighed and handed Kate her cloak. "Sometimes those that loves us cause more hurt with the loving than they do with anger. You have to be forgiving, if you can."

  Kate kissed Hannah lightly on the cheek and nodded, knowing that she had already forgiven her parents. She wished she could have had their understanding, but there was no time left to wait. She was not leaving to spite them, merely to save herself. As she hurried home in the cold morning sun, she turned her mind to the future, and, finally, hope returned to her heart.

  CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

  KATE'S HEAD A
CHED terribly and the house seemed intolerably warm as she hurried about gathering up the few clothes and personal treasures that she could not leave behind. Her father was at the newspaper office and her mother was out running errands. It was the first chance that she had to pack. She had written a letter to her parents explaining what she had done, praying with each painful sentence that they would understand and someday believe that she was happy. She put the envelope on her bedside table, intending to leave it in the kitchen the next day for them to find. She wanted to get everything ready so that she could leave as soon as the house was empty in the morning. Tomorrow was Martha's day to visit her new friends at the ladies' weekly luncheon gathering. Tomorrow, she thought, tomorrow I will go to Jessie and we will make a new life.

  It had only been twenty-four hours since they had parted, but she already missed Jessie terribly. Now, when things were so very hard, she needed her near. Jessie was always so calm, so steady. So strong. When she thought of Jessie leaving the ranch, Kate's heart ached. She had only to envision Jessie standing on the wide front porch looking contentedly out over her land, or astride one of her great horses, grinning and confidant and so totally at peace, to know what a great sacrifice Jessie was making. Kate hated for Jessie to give up such a part of herself, but she could not imagine any other way. They could not stay, and Kate could not give her up. They must go, because to lose Jessie would surely kill her.