Needing To Fall

by Ryan Michele

  Her touching me took months and months for me to allow. Andi suffered through many of my freak-outs and didn’t let the fact that I acted like I was burned with acid every time she touched me bother her. She was so damn patient. She kept at me until I felt comfortable enough for her to even embrace me, which I did eventually.

  “Reign, you can’t keep living on no sleep.” I wanted to laugh, but she continued. “You’re young, and you were dealt a shit deal to start your life, but you’re free now. You’re free to live the life that you were intended to have.”

  Flashbacks of Drew hit me like a heavy weight, pulling me down like cinderblocks tied to my ankles in the ocean, drowning. I would never be free to do anything.

  “If they catch us, we are in serious shit,” I warned Drew as he pulled my hand through the door and out the back of the school. If our foster parents found out we didn’t go straight home, I was afraid of what they would do to us.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Peterson have an appointment at four. They won’t be back until at least five or five thirty, so we have time,” Drew tried reassuring me, but I couldn’t help the fear that crushed me.

  I didn’t want them to be angry at us. I didn’t want to suffer the consequences. Mrs. Peterson was good with her fists, but not as good as my biological father was. Mr. Peterson took his anger out on an entirely different level, and I wanted neither.

  Still, I followed Drew. I would follow him to the end of the earth as long as he was there by my side. After knowing him for two years, he was my best friend, my only friend, my everything. He was the only thing that mattered.

  He led me through the bright green grass, which was the color of his eyes, and out passed the football field, gripping my hand the entire time. I loved the small tingle just from his touch on my skin. He led me to a secluded area behind the far part of the field where he pulled me under a large tree then stopped and turned to me. His body was so close to mine I felt his heat on my chest.

  That feeling in the pit of my stomach began as I lifted my hands to his chest and looked up into his eyes. They were telling me something, but my mind was so foggy from being this near to him that I couldn’t think.

  One of his arms drifted around my back, tugging me closer to him. The other came up and cupped the side of my face. The gesture was so tender I had to fight back the tears threatening to spill out.

  “Reign, I’m getting you out of here. I know we planned on waiting until we were eighteen, but I’m getting you out of that house.”

  My stomach fell. I didn’t want him to know what was going on at night in that house. He couldn’t know, could he? I never knew for sure, because he never said, and I wasn’t about to ask.

  “We don’t have anywhere to go,” I told him, something we already knew. Between that and the fact that the authorities would come looking for us, we had to stay in their house. Together.

  How damn lucky was I that Drew and I had gotten into the same foster home and met? I felt like the heavens were finally listening to me and helping me, that someone up there gave even the slightest shit to put us together.

  “I’m figuring it out. Six months, Reign. We’re out of here in six months. Sooner if I can pull it off.”

  My eyes widened, panic clenching my heart. “What are you doing?”

  “What I have to in order to get us both to safety,” he told me, but before he could say any more, his lips came down on mine. Although it wasn’t the first time he had kissed me, it was still so new I gave in to it completely, letting my mind and body only focus on Drew.

  “Reign!”

  My name being screamed snapped me out of my thoughts. I blinked away the memories and focused on Andi, who was mere inches from my face, her eyes gleaming with sorrow. I hated when she got that look for me. I didn’t need anyone feeling sorry for me. Ever.

  “Thank God,” she whispered, pulling back and giving me space.

  I scoffed. “You know I don’t believe in that.” I didn’t. How could I when He took away the only thing that was ever good in my life? How could I when whatever was up there didn’t take two minutes to protect me in my entire life? How could I when my life was something I didn’t want to live in? How could I when the sliver of hope He gave me in Drew was ground into dust and blown into the breeze?

  Her hands tightened on mine. “Have you ever thought of going to his grave and telling him good-bye?”

  I ripped my hands out of her grasp and pulled as far away from her on the couch as I could. If I could have made my legs work, I would have certainly gotten up and run as far away from her as I could. However, seeing as my legs were nothing but noodles, I simply sat there, staring at her, dumbfounded, my breath taking a vacation from my lungs.

  She moved closer, my pulling away having zero effect on her. “Honey, I’m not saying this to hurt you. I just think it could help you. You never got to say good-bye.”

  Tears streamed down my face. There was no point in trying to hold them back, because they would fall, regardless. Ugly sobs threatened to break from me. My chest was so tight it felt as if ropes were around me, squeezing the life out of me, the coarseness of it shredding my insides.

  It was true. I had never said good-bye to Drew. The moment Mr. Peterson dragged Drew’s lifeless body out of my door then shut it was the last time I laid eyes on him. When I tried to follow, Mr. Peterson pointed his gun at me and threatened to shoot me, too. I wished he had. Then I could be with Drew and not rotting in a life that meant nothing to me. The pain would have melted in that moment, instead.

  For the second time, I said, “I can’t.”

  After Mr. Peterson came back, beat the shit out of me, and told me he was dead, I packed everything I owned, which was next to nothing, and ran away. I couldn’t look back; it hurt too much.

  For almost a year of my life, I drifted. Each moment of those days, I wished Drew and I would have just run away, not caring where we would go or what we would encounter. Then he would at least be by my side, and I wouldn’t be so alone I couldn’t bear it.

  Not once since his death had I ever thought of going to Drew’s gravesite. Some sick, twisted part of me didn’t want to let go of those last moments I saw him and replace them with him under the ground. I couldn’t help what rolled around in my head.

  It was demented to think seeing him die before my eyes was more comforting than seeing him buried. It was almost like, if he was buried, all the memories I had of him would be gone, too. I would lose what little I had of him even more.

  I shook my head. I couldn’t think of this.

  “No,” I said on a choked sob.

  “Honey.” She rubbed up and down my arm, trying to comfort me, but for the first time in a long time, her touch felt like sandpaper scraping my skin, so I pulled away.

  “I think it’ll be good for you to say your good-byes. It will help you close this door of your life so you can go on living.”

  My head snapped to her. “You think I want to be like this? You think this is fun? I hate my life. Hate it! I wish that asshole would have taken me instead of Drew or even with him, but he didn’t. Going to see Drew buried six-feet under isn’t going to make any of this go away. What if I don’t want to close the door on that part of my life? It’s like closing the door on Drew. I won’t do it!” If anything, I thought, it would bring back too much, and then the already deep pit I was in would open and suck me fully in. But maybe that’s what I needed. I needed to fall and just be done with everything.

  “No. You were given a second chance.”

  What?

  “What!” The word came out full of rage and accusation. “You think this life is my second chance? You’ve got to be shitting me!” I jumped from the couch, my legs getting their function back due to my need for space from Andi. The room felt as if no oxygen was in it, and I was suffocating from lack of breath. The panic, the anguish, the emotions all consumed me in a rush. I felt as if I were under a powerful waterfall as the pounding flow crashed over me, pinning me down, keeping
me helpless under the water. The weight of the emotions was drowning me.

  She stood and followed me, obviously not getting the hint. “Reign, it is. You have a chance to live a life that you were meant to. Do you think Drew would want you to live in this hollow forever?”

  As if the air in the room wasn’t strained enough, her words were a sucker punch to the gut. The room began to spin, and I gripped the chair in front of me to steady myself.

  “Breathe,” Andi instructed.

  It took everything in my power to make myself do that small task because what she said was true. Drew would hate what I had turned into. He would be disappointed in me, and that was one thing I never wanted. Ever.

  As more tears spilled, Andi wrapped her arms around my body, and I went willingly, crying on her shoulder.

  After what felt like forever and was probably an hour, I was all cried out. We moved to my bed where Andi easily climbed in beside me. She lay with me, the sounds of her even breathing lulling me into a restless sleep that left me waking groggy and aching.

  Would I ever know what real rest felt like?

  Two weeks of waitressing during the day and tending bar at night kept me busy. Two weeks of thinking about nothing but what Andi said that night I fell asleep in her arms after crying. I didn’t want her to be right. I didn’t want what she had said to be true. I didn’t want to say good-bye. Then it was final. Then it was over. Then what would I do? Nothing would change in my life. I would still miss him every day. I would still mourn him. What would going to his grave prove?

  The sad thing was, in my gut, I knew she was right. I didn’t know how I knew; I just did.

  “Reign.” A deep voice from across the bar called my name.

  I turned and my nerves sparked to life. They shouldn’t. I had called Trey in for help. He was a regular in the bar, and he was also a man who knew how to get information.

  Stupid me. I tried googling Drew Lewis’ name but got nowhere. Thousands of searches popped up, and looking through each one became too much for me. None of them were my Drew, so I sucked it up and pulled in Trey.

  “Trey,” I greeted, wiping down the bar then grabbing his usual longneck, popping the top and placing it in front of him.

  He winked, and I just barely stopped myself from rolling my eyes.

  “You wanted me.” He would think I wanted that considering he went home with any woman who would spread her legs for him. Sure, I had an abundance of tits and ass along with long, dark hair, which were great for tips, but I kept everything sexual about myself locked up tight. That part of me was totally shut down.

  The bar wasn’t busy, as it was still early in the day. Luckily, no one was within earshot. I needed to get this over with before I lost my nerve. It was all or nothing.

  I pulled a small slip of paper from my back jeans pocket, along with one of only three pictures I had of Drew, and slid them across the bar.

  “Presents?” Trey said, not looking at the papers.

  I swallowed deep. “I need a favor.” I knew it was going to cost me. What it was going to cost, I didn’t know. I didn’t have much to give.

  “And what would that be?” His brow lifted, urging me to go on, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to just forget the whole damn thing and go home. I wanted to yet didn’t.

  “I need you to find where someone is buried.”

  Bringing his arms to the top of the bar, Trey crossed them, leaning in. “Where someone is buried?” he questioned. “Normally, I find people who are alive, darlin’.”

  I let out a gush of breath. If I wanted him to help me, I had to tell him everything, which was not something I wanted to do.

  I inhaled deeply and rattled off my time with Drew so quickly one would have thought I was an auctioneer, like on that TV show Andi made me watch all the time. Trey’s face didn’t change, but from his attention, I could tell he took in everything I said. No emotion played anywhere on his face, though.

  When he didn’t say anything, I prompted, “So?” I fought myself to keep the emotions at bay. In the last few minutes, I had shared more with Trey than I had shared with anyone except Andi.

  He leaned back and whistled low. “Fuck, woman. I had no idea.” His eyes filled with the start of pity that I didn’t want or need.

  I balled my fists. “Don’t. Don’t feel sorry for me,” I demanded.

  He just shook his head then picked up the picture and paper, not letting whatever he was thinking come out of his mouth. “You’ve always been a hot, little thing.”

  I didn’t know what to do with that, so I stayed quiet while he looked at the picture. It was one with both Drew and I standing in front of Mr. and Mrs. Petersons’ house. The foster liaison took it and gave us each a copy. She never explained why she took it, but neither of us asked. It was covered in fakeness, though. Smiles: fake. Happiness: fake. Everything: fake.

  We stayed that way for a long time—way too long—until he finally broke it.

  “I’ll do it.”

  I wanted to feel relief yet didn’t. If anything, it only amped up my anxiety.

  “But it’ll cost ya,” he finished.

  This wasn’t a surprise.

  “What?”

  A devilish grin came across his lips. “I’m keeping that in reserve.”

  Reserve? Who does that? I guessed the shady guy I was asking to help me.

  “Fine,” I agreed.

  He stood from the seat, tapped the bar top twice, and was gone.

  I was a nervous mess.

  ***

  Three days went by, and each time the door opened to the diner or the bar, my eyes shot to it, expecting Trey to come in at any moment. Nothing.

  What I didn’t expect was the knock on my door at ten-thirty at night on my day off from the bar.

  I checked and double-checked the peephole, seeing Trey standing there. I shouldn’t let him in. I didn’t know him enough to actually trust him. Hell, there was only one person on this planet I trusted. What if he hurt me? You went to him, Reign. Pull your shit together.

  I straightened my shoulders, chastising myself. Andi was so right; I needed to pull my shit together. I sucked in deeply and opened the door.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” I greeted as if him being in my personal space was no big deal at all when, in fact, I wanted him gone in that instant.

  “We need to talk,” he said, not waiting for an invite. He just breezed on by me like I wasn’t there.

  The space inside my safety net felt tight and claustrophobic.

  “Come on in,” I grumbled, shutting the door and locking it. If he were going to hurt me, locking the door meant nothing. Still, it was a habit, and who knew who lurked outside?

  He turned abruptly. “He’s not dead.”

  The vast void below me opened up and sucked me into its abyss at his words. I felt as if I were floating down to the gates of Hell, burning as I went.

  “What?” was the only word I could muster as the dredge of emotions spiraling out of control pulled me under.

  “Andrew Lewis; twenty-one; foster care, the same time as you. Records link him to a Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, but they were sealed. He was shot five years ago, stitched up, and thrown back into foster care, but he went into a group home for boys. He was banged up pretty good, so it was more of an in-house hospital. Got out at eighteen, had odd jobs, and landed a good one at a business firm. He worked his way up from the bottom and owns his own house in Newport about five hours from here.”

  I reached around, trying to find something to sit on. I was sure my legs were going to give out on me at any moment. The wobble they kept doing was sure to have me plummeting to my ass.

  I sat in the hard chair, almost missing it, and scrambled to right myself. I held on to its base for some sort of balance, my world shifting on its axis. I wasn’t sure what to make of that.

  Trey held out a paper to me, and I stared at it like it was a poisonous snake that would kill me with one bite. I didn’t want it. There was no way D
rew was alive and never came to find me. No way. I couldn’t believe it.

  Trey shook the paper in front of my face, making that annoying noise. Somehow, I grabbed it and clenched it in my hand, but I didn’t look at it. I didn’t want to know what was written on it.

  It just couldn’t be.

  “You’re sure?” It had to be a sick joke.

  “Reign, I’m good at what I do. It’s true.”

  My hands shook uncontrollably, and my body soon followed. Trey took a step toward me.

  “Stop. Don’t,” I barked out. I couldn’t handle his touch right now. Normally, I couldn’t take it. Right now, I really, really couldn’t. All of this was too damn much.

  I ran with everything I had to the kitchen counter and searched for my phone, typing as I clumsily held it, almost dropping it several times.

  Come here now, I typed, sending it to Andi.

  I needed her like I needed air. I needed a light in the dark. I needed someone to grab on to, something to hold that was real because this … This just couldn’t be real.

  “Go,” I told him.

  While he could call in whatever favor I had to do for him, he must have seen the look on my face or taken in my body language, because he got the hell out of there. He didn’t stick around a second longer.

  I raced to the door, locking it just as a rushed knock came.

  I checked and swung the door open to a wide-eyed Andi. I pulled her into my arms, initiating a hug from her for the first time ever. I needed her. I needed her to be my rock since I couldn’t be it for myself at that moment. I needed her strength because I was falling.

  I heard the door close and then lock. Then Andi’s arms wrapped around me as she walked us over to the couch where we sat still in each other’s arms. She just held me, waiting until I was ready to talk. It took a while until I could, but Andi, as ever, didn’t push me. She simply waited with the patience of a saint.

  “He’s alive.” The words were completely disheveled as they came from deep in my throat.

  “Who’s alive?” she asked.

  I didn’t tell her I was having Drew checked out, because I didn’t know if I would go through with going to see him. Having Andi disappointed in me wasn’t something I liked, so I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I also didn’t want to be pushed.