by Ryan Michele
My stomach had these little flutters, and my throat felt like it was going to close up.
When Lynx rose from the chair and moved toward me, I had to bend my neck way back to see him.
“Up,” he demanded sternly but not harshly.
I complied, taking a step back to give myself some space between us.
Funny how when I first saw him, I wanted to run and hide. I didn’t want to be in the same room with him for fear he would hurt me. Now, sadness was racking me down to my core that this could be the last time I would ever see this man who, in his own way, had helped me so much.
He took a step closer, and my breathing became labored. He was too close, but something inside me wouldn’t allow me to move back any farther. I wasn’t sure how or when this had happened, when I had become so trusting of this man that I was able to stand my ground and not move into my own personal space when he was so close. I wondered if that meant I was getting a little better, but I didn’t want to have the H-word. Therefore, I stared into his eyes, transfixed, instead.
“I’ll come to you when you get out,” he said.
I had tonight and tomorrow night in here, which felt like an eternity. It was a lifetime before I would find out if Lynx was the guy I thought he was or a disappointment like all the rest.
“I didn’t tell you where I’m going to live.”
He gave me a half-grin and raised his hand toward me. I flinched out of habit, but I didn’t move as his hand came up and cupped the side of my cheek. His warmth caused my pulse to spike so hard I heard the thunder of my heart in my ears and breaths were becoming hard to find. I was letting this man touch me, and all I was doing was clenching and unclenching my hands, not saying anything. On top of that, I actually liked the feeling of his hand on me.
“Reign,” he whispered until my focus was back on him. “I’ll find you. We’ll get this worked out together.”
My chest squeezed unnaturally. I didn’t know how, but I leaned into his hand, taking the warmth he was giving me. If this was the last time I would see him, I was going to enjoy this sliver of feeling.
“Bye, Lynx,” I whispered softly.
I had been let down more times than not in my life, and he didn’t know for sure what would be waiting for him outside these doors. Hell, his woman could come crawling back, and then I would just be a small blip on his radar of that one-time-when-I-was-in-the-hospital. I wanted to hold on to his words, keep them, and lock them away someplace, so I did.
His thumb lifted my chin, making sure he had my full attention. His eyes glistened as he spoke. “Not bye, Reign.” He studied me closely. “You think I’m full of shit.” I didn’t think those exact words, but how the hell did this man know what was floating in my brain? “I see I have a lot of work ahead of me.” His intensity bore into mine. “I love a good challenge.” His hand slipped behind my neck, and before I could do anything, he face-planted me into his chest.
I froze, unable to move, my body feeling as stiff as a board, my arms straight at my sides. Lynx’s arms wrapped around my back, and I did nothing, including breathe. When I did start to breathe again, I sucked in deeply, and damn did he smell good, but I didn’t melt into him. No, I couldn’t. I had only had this with Andi; that was it. No one else.
I full-out gasped when he kissed the top of my head, his arms giving me one last squeeze before releasing me. I took a hasty step back, unsure what to think or do. I was out of sorts in more ways than one because not only had I let this man touch me, but I had liked it. I might not have shown him I had, but terrifyingly, I really had.
“I see we need to work on that, too.” He chuckled with all the patience of a saint. He and Andi would get along well.
“Why?” I whispered.
“Pardon?”
“Why? Why waste your time helping me? Why be this way with me?” I was terrified of the answer. No one in my life, besides Andi, took time to help me. Everyone let me down.
“I’ll answer that when we’re out of here.”
“Time to go,” his nurse said, entering the room, and Lynx started walking toward her. I couldn’t blame him. If they said those words to me, I would hightail it the hell out of here, too.
He did turn around to me, though, and said, “A couple of days.” He winked before the door shut behind him.
For the first time, I cried that night for a man who wasn’t Drew.
The morning session didn’t go well. All I could do was stare at the empty chair that Lynx had occupied. I didn’t feel like talking; however, I didn’t feel like I was drowning, either. It was strange.
Nurse Hatchet had given me two pills last night and then two this morning. She had told me what they were, but hell if I could remember. Before I took them, I thought of Lynx’s words then downed them in one gulp. I felt no different, and when I told that to Nurse Hatchet, she said, “Honey, it’ll take about a week for it to build up in your system.”
Great.
I had to spend tonight here, and the small light at the end of the tunnel was closer because, tomorrow, granted Wrestler McMann said so, I could leave this fine establishment. I would be out. I was actually nervous about leaving. I didn’t think I would be or could be, yet I was.
I had a home to go to thanks to Andi, but I had no job and no money.
“Reign,” the doctor called out then slammed something hard on the desk, my attention quickly going to him. “That’s better. I’m tired of hearing myself talk.”
I doubted that, but whatever. I had come down for my last session about twenty minutes ago. I wanted it over and done with. The sooner, the better, but that didn’t mean I wanted to chitchat.
“Plans,” he continued. “We need to talk plans for when you get out of here.”
I didn’t say anything, so he continued, “What are you specifically going to do?”
I again stared. I went from wanting to end everything to now making plans for days with unexpected outcomes. I didn’t have a plan. I was only surviving at the moment, another thing I didn’t think I had wanted to do.
“Reign, you have to have a goal, a plan for when you walk out those doors and back into the day-to-day world.”
Panic crept up my spine and twisted around my neck. I had gotten used to not having visitors to my room; therefore, it was a safe place. Now, I wouldn’t have that. Anyone could come anywhere I was, and there would be no stopping it or them.
I tried to stay in the moment. The panic, the emotions, the thoughts, they crept in. Then, like a whirlpool in the ocean, they spun together in my mind. Too many swirling feelings hit me hard in the gut, knocking the wind out of my sails.
Here I had thought I had grown quite a bit, but maybe not as much as I had believed.
“Reign,” he called again as I blew out deeply.
“I don’t know,” I finally answered, getting my breathing and thoughts under control. “I know I’m going to live with Andi. I don’t know how it’s going to be or where I’ll sleep, but I know she’ll help me. I need to find a job and make money. Other than that, I don’t know.” I knew I kept repeating the same words, but they were the truest words I could speak.
I didn’t know. Even if I had twenty bucks right now, I wasn’t sure I could buy a clue. I had so many thoughts and emotions spinning around I didn’t know if there was room to add a clue.
“That’s a good start. What about what you have with Lynx?” Just his name put me on alert, even if I had no idea what was going on there. “He says he’s going to help you with your past. Tell me how you feel about this.”
I sat for long moments, not saying anything. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to talk about Lynx or finding out about my past, but I guessed they were linked in some weird way I had never thought possible.
The storm was brewing inside me, but I closed my eyes and simply breathed, hoping I could put it at bay.
“I’m nervous to speak to my mother. She’s hated me since I was born, so there shouldn’t be any change. I don’t want to see my
father.” I was adamant on that one. I wanted nothing to do with that man. “I’m still not sure how it will help me.” I paused. “But if Lynx says it will…” I let my words drift out. I was going to say that H-word then thought better of it.
“What if Lynx doesn’t follow through?” he asked.
My gut twisted as pain speared through it. I didn’t want Lynx to be like everyone else. I wanted him to be the one who was different, who knew what they were doing. I wanted to have something to hold on to, even if it was by the tips of my fingernails. I wanted him to be that, but the little niggling of doubt was a lot to bear.
I only shrugged.
He continued, “Will you find her without him?”
That was the million-dollar question, and as I sat there in the silence, I decided, “Yes, I will.”
“What are you going to do about Drew?” The doctor was good today, because this shot through my heart.
I shrugged again, not giving any more to him this time.
“No, young lady. As your doctor, I need you to have a plan in place for what you will do when you feel down. You get to choose whatever techniques we talked about, such as the deep breathing; counting to fifty when your anxiety builds up; doing some type of relaxation, like yoga, to keep yourself centered; or writing all of your feelings in a journal. Then when you close it, you find something positive to do. You have to learn to control where your mind goes and retrain your way of thinking so it’s not negative. I can’t let you out of here without it.”
That perked my attention. I was so stepping out of those doors tomorrow, the unknown be dammed.
“But Drew is the catalyst which brought you to the point of needing to come here.”
I bit my bottom lip and pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. “I’m not sure I can go and see him. I’m not sure I can stay away, either. I need to know me before I make that decision. I need to get back my control.”
“Sounds like you’re relying on Lynx for that.”
I couldn’t deny that I was. He seemed to have his shit together and knew what he was doing. At least his words proved that, but who knew for sure?
“When I put you two together, I never thought you two would come up with a plan to meet up after therapy.” He sounded a little discouraging. That wouldn’t stop me, though. If Lynx came, I was going for it. “Since it sounds inevitable, professionally, I need to say something.” Okay… “Dependency. I’ve seen how you are with Lynx. You need to make sure you are doing this for you, not because of Lynx.”
I stared at him, thinking, I am doing this for myself; I just don’t want to do it alone. I didn’t think I could. I didn’t think that made me dependent on anyone. If anything, it was the support system Wrestler McMann had droned on about when I had kept telling him I had no one for that. Now, I did and was going to take it however it came. I couldn’t say I wasn’t nervous as hell about it, but if I could gain my power and control back, I was going for it.
I said nothing.
“I want you to be aware of it,” he finished.
Nurse Hatchet took that moment to walk in the door. Ready to get the hell out of this room and not have to come back, I rose from the chair.
“Reign,” the doctor said, and I reluctantly turned back to him, not wanting to hear any more or talk about my feelings again. None of it, but I wasn’t going to screw up my shot of blowing this place. “I’m very proud of you, young lady.”
That knife speared me. No one had ever been proud of me before … ever.
“You don’t realize this, because you were dealt a hand in life that many never have to experience, but you are incredibly strong. You may not feel it, but you are. People don’t get thrown blow after blow, only to still be standing upright. You have a future, and you need to grasp it.”
I had no words for the man. However, inside, something began to grow, and it was warm and inviting.
I tipped up the corner of my mouth, giving him the closest thing to a smile I could, and then walked out the door.
That night was like no other. I actually felt a twinge of excitement, an unusual feeling for me. I grabbed on to it because it warmed me.
***
“Now, Reign,” Nurse Hatchet started upon opening the door to my room.
I had been waiting on her for what felt like forever. She had brought me my breakfast and pills earlier. Although I had been too excited to eat, I had choked down some toast since she said the pills wouldn’t feel well on an empty stomach.
She went over my pill schedule. Yes, I had a pill schedule: two in the morning and one at night. If I still wasn’t feeling quite right, I had a second pill that I could take at night.
I still had mixed feelings about the pills, but I was going to try.
“Yeah?” I responded, more than ready to get the hell out of there. I hadn’t slept at all last night, yet I wasn’t tired in the least. No, I just wanted to step outside those walls.
Nurse Hatchet came up close. “Your life is worth too much for you to take it. You are someone. You are an intelligent woman who deserves to find happiness, wherever that comes from. You have choices, and I expect you to make the right ones. You only get one life. It’s up to you to decide how to live it.”
My eyes began to well up with tears I tried hard to hold back, but my throat was starting to tighten, and I knew it wouldn’t be long. No one in my life had ever had enough concern to give me any sort of advice in this world. I’d had to learn everything the hard way. Never had anyone given me any direction. Consequently, her giving me that was one of the biggest gifts I had ever received.
She reached out and took my hands, and I forced myself not to pull back as she held tight. “Happiness isn’t something you’ve had much of, but it’s out there, and you need to find it, hold on to it, and embrace it. Don’t turn or push it away.”
The damn woman had me figured out. I couldn’t hold back anymore as tears slid down my cheeks. I wouldn’t miss this place one bit, but a small, tiny part of me would miss Nurse Hatchet, even if I still didn’t know her real name.
I tried to speak yet choked on my words. Clearing my throat, I told her, “I’ll try.” It was all I could give her. I didn’t know what life held for me beyond those doors, but I had a very strong urge not to let her down. There was this woman who took care of me because it was her job, and I was thinking about not disappointing her. Weird.
She gave me a soft squeeze then released my hands. “Let’s get you out of here.”
***
I felt the smile come across my face as Andi came barreling toward the door. She was waiting for me, and I really liked that. She didn’t stop until her arms were wrapped around me. I sucked in deeply and reciprocated.
“Let’s get you home.”
Walking into Andi’s apartment felt surreal. I had been here before many times, but this time, I was walking into it as my home, and that gave me a bit of unease. Her apartment was just like her with lots of yellows, oranges, and greens—happy colors, just like her. It was warm, inviting, and comforting. My boxes piled in the corner were a definite eye sore.
Andi led me to her spare room, and my heart sank. This woman took so much time putting together a space where I could feel comfortable. It looked almost exactly like my room before except with the boxes lining the walls. I didn’t have much, but it was enough to make a mess.
She saw the emotion all over my face and left me alone to gather myself. I loved how she knew what I needed and allowed me to have it.
As I sat on the bed, I couldn’t help chuckling at the irony of the situation. I had left one place where I spent most of my time sitting on a bed, only to return to another and do the same exact thing. So far, there wasn’t much difference.
Andi didn’t leave me to my thoughts long. “Come on. Help me cook.”
I groaned. I was a terrible cook. The worst. I could burn water, no problem. Something in the oven would come out black. The only thing I could do was make a sandwich, which I us
ed to live on. You can’t burn those.
“I suck at cooking.”
She just smiled at me like she was so excited I was there with her, and dammit, I was, too.
***
We sat, eating chicken and rice, which I did not touch in the cooking process, in the living room. The vibe between us was very off, but I should have expected it. Yes, we had left things on good terms, but that didn’t mean everything between Andi and I was back to the way it was before. We needed to talk. Judging from the apprehension written all over Andi’s face, though, she wasn’t going to be the one to start the conversation. It was up to me.
I sighed, setting my fork down. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I can do to make it up to you or make things right between us.”
She set down her plate immediately, relief washing over her features at my words. “I need to know you are really better.”
“Huh?” Her words took me a bit off guard. I wasn’t expecting them. I expected, “It’s all right” or “We’ll work it out.” Not this.
“Better. Are you better?” She moved quickly over to the couch, sitting next to me where she grabbed my hand, and I breathed through it. “I need to know you aren’t in that same place you were before. I need you to be better.”
It was more of a plea than a question, but I answered, anyway.
“Better is relative.” I shrugged then let it out. “The entire time I was in there, I wanted to get out so I could end all the pain. I was drowning, Andi, and I couldn’t get up. I refused to take the medicine or talk to the doctors at first. I was in so much pain.”
“Where did the pain go?”
That was a really good question. “I’m not sure. It’s still there, but it’s different now. I don’t know how to explain it.” I honestly didn’t have a clue. It was still inside me because I felt it, but the sinking feeling I’d had didn’t pull me as hard as before. All the swirling emotions were beginning to slow, but they hadn’t found their resting place yet, and I didn’t know how to express that to Andi.