by Ryan Michele
“Do you want to kill yourself?”
I sucked in air, clenching my top lip in my teeth. That was the million-dollar question. Nevertheless, I had already decided the answer while I was inside.
“No.” The word came out strong and sure, unlike how I felt inside. “I talked about finding myself, the real me. I think I need to do that first.”
The smile that crossed Andi’s lips could have lit up a football field, and it gave me a small bit of confidence that I was doing the right thing.
***
Andi spent the previous night and all of that day not leaving my side. I knew she feared what I would do, but this keeping an eye on me like a hawk thing was a bit much. It did give us time to talk, though. I had talked more in the last few months than I had in my entire life. I had never been a talker; it’s hard to be when you’re told to be quiet all the time. You learned quickly to keep your mouth shut.
I was nervous, almost to the point of my hand being jittery. I had checked Andi’s locks several times throughout the day, but she had never said a word. I had hoped that little quirk of mine would have disappeared while I was away, but that wasn’t why I felt this way. It was because I had some decisions to make, and I was lying to myself. I was jittery because I had been out now for over twenty-four hours with no sign of Lynx.
It was asinine for me to think he would come right to me, but I had that H-word, and I could kick myself for it. Every second that ticked on the clock was a small bit of that H-word chipping away.
After the next full day of Andi’s hovering, I was happy when she went to work. She didn’t want to and was worried. However, I reassured her over and over and over that I would be all right. The truth was, I needed some time to myself. I needed to think, so that was what I was doing.
I needed a plan, one without Lynx in it. I didn’t survive all that time out on the streets without being smart. He might show; he might not. Regardless, I needed to gear up for the latter because sitting around this apartment wasn’t helping.
First things first, I called my old boss, Judi, at the bar. Luckily, she needed someone part-time starting in a week. The waitressing job didn’t fare as well. It was a big no, but at least I had something.
I then grabbed Andi’s laptop, firing it up. I typed in Rebecca Jameson into the search bar, hovering over the enter key for quite some time before eventually hitting it. Several things popped up, but it appeared there was a famous actress by the same name. Judging from the picture, the woman looked around my age. It was a dead end.
I typed in Robert Jameson. Surprised wasn’t the word for it. Shocked, torn in a small way, happy. The first thing that popped up was an obituary. I was scared of the man. Terrified. I had never wanted to see him again, but I didn’t expect to see this. I clicked on the link, opening up the document, and sucked in a breath. My body temperature spiked as my father stared back at me, his cold eyes still as hateful as I remembered.
I read though the words, not feeling an ounce of sadness. Should I? I couldn’t, not after what he had done to me.
It said he had died of massive heart failure and was survived by Rebecca Jameson, no mention of me. Why would it? I was non-existent to them. However, it didn’t stop the small pang of hurt that aimed right at my chest, and I could feel the waters beneath my feet beginning to swirl.
I closed my eyes and took in some calming breaths. I can do this. I can. Opening them back up, my father’s gaze cut through me like a knife. Yes, if it made me a bad person, then so be it, but I was glad he was gone. He was one less person I had to worry about coming to find me. He didn’t need to matter anymore. Ever.
I wasn’t going to tell Andi. If she even suggested I go to his gravesite, I would lose whatever I had in my brain holding it together.
Trey. I needed to get ahold of him to help me find my mother. I liked this. It gave me purpose, a goal. It made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile instead of just sitting on the couch and staring into space.
I didn’t have my old phone; therefore, I didn’t have Trey’s number. I could go to the bar, but the only thing I could do there was wait for him. As a result, I did the next best thing: I called my boss who gave me his number.
When I dialed, it went to voicemail.
Two days later, when I hadn’t heard back from him and still had no word from Lynx, I started to feel anxious. I could feel it climbing up my skin, cloaking me in heat, each inch it covered getting hotter and hotter. I couldn’t control my breathing, and my hands began to shake.
I wanted to believe Lynx would come back, but each tick of the clock was a second lost.
Deep breath, Reign, I told myself, sucking in a breath as I sat on the toilet.
Andi was making dinner, and I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t want to worry her, and I knew it would be exactly what she would do.
In. Out. In Out, I chanted as I inhaled and exhaled. You’re all right, Reign. You’ll figure this out.
I kept sucking in air. After several minutes that felt like hours, the heat began to recede. It didn’t fully disappear, but at least my hands weren’t shaking anymore.
I rose from the seat and looked in the mirror. My eyes looked scared. I closed them and reopened them, hoping they would change. When they didn’t, it felt like a punch to the gut.
The plan, Reign. What’s the plan? The plan … right.
I kept breathing and then began counting down from fifty. At number twenty-two, I felt the control slowly come back and grasped on to it with two hands.
Looking back in the mirror, I watched color come back to my face as my eyes began to look more relaxed. It was then that something weird happened.
I felt … pride. I was proud of myself for coming back and not getting sucked down into the dark tunnel. I had that control, and that was a great feeling.
I hadn’t heard anything from Trey, but it didn’t affect me as much as not hearing anything from Lynx. It had been five days since I had gotten out, and nothing. He had forgotten about me, not that it was a hard thing to do. My parents had done it easily enough, but I wanted him to be different.
Digging through my stack of stuff, I finally found what I had spent the last hour looking for: a blue and gold, large shoebox. Gripping it tightly, I pulled it from the larger one. I had almost forgotten I had it. It had been so long since I had looked at it.
This was the only thing I had that connected me to my past. This was it, and it was in this small, little box. It was sad my life was reduced to this container.
I opened the lid, sucking in a deep breath. Inside were documents of my early life, including my birth certificate, the report from when I was taken, and my first foster family’s information.
Tears welled in my eyes before I pushed them back. I needed the address of my mother. It was a long shot, and I had no faith she would actually live there, but with my “help” not responding, I had to do something. I shuffled through the papers, finding the exact one I needed. As my eyes skimmed, I found the address. Gathering the rest of the papers up, I shoved them back in the box and then shoved the smaller box into the bigger one.
I grabbed Andi’s laptop and plugged in the address. I didn’t have a fancy phone that had GPS anymore. I was lucky enough Andi had gotten me a prepaid flip-phone for emergencies. I was so grateful for it. It was just the small bit of security I needed.
I wrote the directions diligently, noting it would only take a few hours. I knew it wasn’t the smartest thing to go alone, but I had dropped Andi off at work today, so I had her car. Since she was getting a ride from a friend of hers, I didn’t have to worry about that.
Would she like it that I went? No, but it was something I had to do. I wanted to know why. Why did she allow my father to hurt me? Why didn’t she put me first? Was I nothing to her?
The motivation to find the answers was what pushed me. It was a drive, a purpose, a reason to keep going, to find out why I was the way I was. The sea beneath me was spinning, but I was treadin
g water for the first time, strong enough not to get swept up in the current. I could do this. I had to do this.
I was a bitch because I only left Andi a note, knowing she would be livid with me. I should have called her at work and told her, yet I didn’t know how she would react.
I grabbed my bag, throwing a few things in, instantly missing that I couldn’t throw my gun inside for protection. Andi had said I wasn’t ever getting it back, and “It wasn’t in the apartment, so don’t even try to find it.” I thought about what I could grab. The only feasible thing was a knife. It was stupid since I didn’t have much control over it, but it was all I could get.
I didn’t know what I would find or even if I would see my mother, but I needed something to keep me safe. I needed to feel some type of control. After all, knowledge was power, and she held the key.
I tossed the bag over my shoulder just as a loud banging noise came from the door. I jolted, looking to see if the locks were in place. They were. I breathed out on that one before slowly inching toward the door and looking through the peephole.
Everything stopped. For one moment in time, I felt time stand still. Lynx was outside the door. He was there. He had come … for me. Holy Shit! An unusual feeling came across me, although I feared trying to label it as joy or excitement. I hadn’t felt either of those since my time with Drew, and that was the only time I had felt them. They were back. He was back.
My hands began to shake as the realization set in that Lynx wasn’t like the others. He didn’t leave me behind to be forgotten forever. No, he had kept his word and come for me. It stabbed me that I had doubted him, but with my record, it wasn’t good odds. He did, though. He had defied those odds and shot right through them.
My fingers continued to tremble as I unlocked the locks. I stared at the door handle for a beat, trying to gain my composure before opening it to him. A knock on the other side had me jumping and gasping. I flew into action, turning the handle and opening the door.
He wore jeans that looked faded beyond their years, black boots, and a black T-shirt. He looked utterly different than when he had worn the hospital scrubs, and I hesitated to say, undoubtedly attractive. He was taller than I remembered; I had to tip my head back to meet his. His face looked softer than before, though there was still an edge to it. His hair was cut to his scalp, but his eyes … His eyes called to me, sucking me in and making me breathless.
“Reign.” He said my name in a low groan that sent shivers down my spine.
I had missed that sound. I was in such shock that he was actually standing before me that words lodged in my throat. All I could do was smile—yes, genuinely smile—at all that was Lynx.
I watched in avid fascination as his face contorted from his brows drawing together then relaxing, and then a grin tipped up his lip.
My smile faded when I realized what I was doing: flirting … with Lynx. I shook my head, trying to clear the fog out of my head. I couldn’t flirt. I didn’t flirt … ever. Even when attractive men had come into the bar, I never had. Why him? Why this man?
“Babe, I liked it better when you were smilin’. What took it off your face?”
I couldn’t tell him that, for a brief moment, I had forgotten about all my problems and that everything in my world had focused on him. I didn’t think of Drew or Andi, my life or job, nothing but him for that small blip of time. Him being this close to me covered me with a shroud of comfort that I had never had in my life. For the first time, I wanted to run into his arms and feel them wrap around me, surrounding me within his safety. No, I wouldn’t tell him any of that.
I cleared my throat, giving my mind a second to come up with something to say. “I just wasn’t expecting you,” I said stupidly. I didn’t say I was good at covering it up. If anything, I should have just kept my mouth shut instead of answering.
“I told you I’d come.” His arrogance did not go unnoticed by me, but I would give him this one, only so I didn’t have to tell him my real reasons.
I lifted my shoulder in a noncommittal shrug.
“You thought I wasn’t coming,” he said confidently.
I schooled my features, hoping like hell I didn’t give the relief or happiness away, but I was pretty sure I did. How else would he have been able to call me on it?
“It doesn’t matter.”
He moved fast, stepping into my space, and I panicked, the anxiety hitting me hard. I went to take a step back, but his hand came out, landing on my hip. My blood began thundering through my veins rapidly. It took everything I had not to move away from his touch, but something in his eyes was telling me I needed to stay exactly where I was.
“First, I’d never hurt you, Reign.” Even though I believed him, I was unnerved, so I just nodded my head. “Second, no lies. What you and I have together cannot have lies between us. Not small ones like ‘I’m not tired’ or ones like you telling me it doesn’t matter. It fucking matters.”
It did, more than I could ever express. Not to mention, it scared the ever loving shit out of me that it mattered so much, and there wasn’t merely one reason. There were so many I was losing count. His showing up on the doorstep gave me a small bit of that H-word I knew I shouldn’t have, but for the first time, I wanted to cling to it.
He was right, though. What we had wasn’t built on lies. Sure, it had started in a hospital therapy room, but there were no secrets or lies. I had told him everything, and he had done the same. That couldn’t change. Even more, I didn’t want it to change. I wanted to trust him and have him trust me.
It was strange that I felt such a connection to this man, to want to have these things with another human being. For the longest time, I hadn’t thought I deserved them. Now, I still wasn’t sure I deserved them, but it felt good, and I couldn’t back away from any of it.
I sucked in deeply, knowing the words I needed to speak. I didn’t know if he realized how damn hard it was for me to admit, how letting him in was a huge step for me, one I really wanted. “It matters that you came. Thank you.”
His face changed at my whispered words right before my eyes, the anger or frustration draining from him as the tension in his shoulders began to relax a little.
“Let’s go in,” he said, taking two wide steps inside, and since I was so close, I took them, as well, until he kicked the door shut with his boot.
I became hyper-aware of every single movement he made, from the way his arm swayed as he moved to the small tick in his neck. And as our eyes connected, I could see the fire blazing in his. I could only assume that for me to admit it mattered meant something to him, something big. It scared the ever-loving shit out me, but not in a fear for my life way; in a whole new way that was odd yet compelling.
We were close, not nose to nose, but closer than I had let any man get to me in a very long time. Nerves started sparking throughout my body, especially my heart, from the look he was giving me. He wanted to kiss me. I could see it as plain as day, but that couldn’t happen. I had locked that part of me up years ago, and as much as I felt the zing of it through my bones, I couldn’t reopen that. I wasn’t ready.
I pulled out of his grasp, stepping back and breaking the connection. I needed air to breathe, and I was pretty sure there wasn’t enough in the apartment for me.
Moving to the other side of the kitchen table, I put a huge amount of space between us and grasped the back of one of the chairs, needing something to steady me.
“Are you okay?” His voice was laced with concern, which only added to my confusion.
In truth, I had only been kissed by one man who meant something to me. I had never gone any further than that unless it was out of necessity. In a lot of ways, I was so new to any of this, especially the whirlwind of feelings that kept piling on top of the other.
I wasn’t okay, not really. The scariest part of everything was that I thought I wanted to kiss him. I, Reign, wanted to kiss him. My hands began to tremble at the realization.
To most looking in, it wouldn’t be
a bad thing at all. He was a very good-looking man any woman would want, but I couldn’t. I was too messed up, too broken, too used.
I felt myself sinking as I stared down at my hands gripping the top of the chair. It wasn’t helping me stay grounded anymore. This flip-flop of emotions was wearing on me. I went from determined to excited to lustful to sadness. It was all too much. I had been taking the pills the doctor had prescribed, but they didn’t seem to be doing any of their voodoo magic on this situation, or maybe they were and my reaction would be worse.
“Reign.” My name being said from only feet away snapped me to attention, but I didn’t have time to think. Lynx pulled me into his body, wrapping his arms tightly around me.
I froze, unable to move, my arms stiff at my sides. Then he began rubbing his hand up and down my back, and it felt good.
“You’re okay. I’ve got you,” he whispered in my ear.
Something inside my head clicked. For the first time, I felt those words to my soul. I’ve got you. He had said each of those words with such authority and conviction that I had no choice except to believe him. Each muscle in my body began to lose its tension.
Without thinking about it, I wrapped my arms around his torso. It was such a mundane thing for most people to do, but for me, it was big. It was a huge step I didn’t think I would ever cross with a man. It was one leap I was scared shitless to take, but I needed it. I needed him. I missed him, and the fact that he had come back for me told me that I mattered to him.
This moment was enormous on so many levels, and the darkness around me didn’t bog me down. If anything, the tides slowed as I melted into him.
I turned my head so my cheek rested on his rock hard chest as tears filled my eyes, silently spilling over my cheeks.
I didn’t let go. I couldn’t let go.
His touch was so reassuring. The light grazes of his fingertips up and down my spine and his other hand snaking up to lay against my neck were like he knew exactly what this moment meant for me and was helping me through it as best as he could. He didn’t use words; it was his mere presence that caused my body to fully relax into him, something I had never done with anyone. I still didn’t understand that, but I was going with it. After all, the moment was what mattered.