by Ryan Michele
Although his shirt became soaked with my tears, I couldn’t stop them. It was like they were cleansing me, freeing me in some way. We simply stood there for a long time while he let me get out what I needed to and absorbed everything I gave him. Selfishly, I let him. I needed it. I needed that safe place to let myself go.
Andi had been that person for so long, but realizing how much I relied on her had been an eye opener. I didn’t want to shift from needing Andi to needing Lynx. I was aware of it, yet at the moment, I couldn’t stop myself.
His strong hands came to my shoulders, and I gasped as he pushed me back so he could look at my tear-stained cheeks. They hadn’t stopped flowing, and I was sure I looked a mess.
As his hands left my shoulders and came to cup my cheeks, my heart stopped along with my breathing. The touch was so gentle, so personal, so intimate, leaving me feeling so bare—bared to him, bared to myself—but I didn’t pull away.
He swiped the tears with his thumbs as he said softly, “Babe, you get these tears because I get that you need them, but you’ve got this. You’ve got me.”
More tears flowed. What he had said was so sweet it cracked my heart. He was doing something to me. It wasn’t bad. No, it felt damn good and terrified me at the same time. I wanted whatever this was, but I was petrified of it at the same time.
The door to the apartment flew open, and quick as a flash, Lynx had me behind him. His arm was snaked around my back, pressing me to him, and my hands came up to his back, bracing for impact.
“Reign, I’m…” Andi’s words were cut off as I peered my head around Lynx’s broad shoulders. “What’s going on?” Her words were hesitant at she set her purse down on the chair, her eyes glued to Lynx.
I patted Lynx on the shoulder to tell him it was okay, but he didn’t move his arm from me, holding me. The strange thing was I didn’t feel trapped. No, I felt comforted.
“Andi, it’s okay. This is Lynx.”
Her eyes slowly came back to me, her brows drawn in a tight bundle. “Lynx?”
Had I not told her about Lynx? No, surely I had.
“I told you about him. I met him in the hospital.”
Her face grew tight. “No, you did not, and you definitely didn’t tell me that you two were this close.” She waved her pointer finger up and down the length of Lynx’s body, all attitude.
“I thought for sure I did.” I hadn’t? That didn’t seem right. I thought for sure, during those conversations about my time there, I had told her about him. Hadn’t I?
She jutted out her hip, placing her hand on it. Oh, no. Here comes bitchy Andi. I didn’t get it much, but when she roared, watch out.
“No. I would have remembered.”
I patted Lynx. “Let me go. I have to talk to her.”
His hand flexed against my back, but he released me.
I moved quickly over to Andi. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him.”
“So why is he here?” Anger laced her tone. I didn’t get why she was so angry about the man, though. She hadn’t even met him, and already, she seemed to dislike him.
“He’s going to help me find some information about my past.” My hand shook as I reached out and put it on Andi’s shoulder, her hip jutting toned down instantly. “It’s okay.”
“You let him touch you,” she whispered so softly I didn’t think she meant for me to hear, but I did, and she was right. She also knew the significance of it, as well. From her wide-eyed expression, she was shocked, and I believed I saw a little hurt, as well.
“We’ll talk about this later,” I said, not wanting to get into it with Lynx right there. I couldn’t explain things to myself, let alone explain to someone else. I definitely couldn’t do it with an audience. I had taken steps, but they were baby steps, and that wasn’t on the list.
“What’s going on?” As she wrapped her arms around her body almost protectively, confusion of why she looked like that plagued me, but it was something I would have to figure out later.
“I found an address to my mother, and I’m going to go and check it out.”
“You were going to go by yourself?” This question came from Lynx, who was still behind me.
Suddenly, I felt way too boxed in, too enclosed to the point of air being difficult to take in. I stepped out from between them so I could look at them both as I talked. That small bit of distance helped calm me slightly.
“Yes. I need to get control back in my life. I have questions that need to be answered.” I eyed Lynx. “I thought a lot about what you said. I need the knowledge. I need to know the why. Why did she allow my father to hit me? Hurt me? Why didn’t she protect me? Mothers are supposed to do that: protect their young. Why didn’t she? What was wrong with me that she didn’t?” As the questions came out, the hurt pierced through me like a knife starting to shred me. The darkness moved in, suffocating the room. I tried to breathe through it, but I was on a roll with the questions and couldn’t stop. “Why didn’t she want me? Why didn’t she fight for me? Why didn’t she love me or show any bit of love toward me? Why didn’t she care about me?” Angry tears cascaded down my face. I knew I was ranting, but I didn’t care.
One thing I had learned from the doctor was talking about it and letting it out helped. Having the only two people I trusted in the world to do it with was even better.
“Babe,” Lynx said, taking a step forward.
I stepped back and shook my head. “Don’t. Give me a minute.” He couldn’t touch me right now; I was too raw. I needed air to breathe.
I moved to the kitchen, which wasn’t far from the living/dining area, my thoughts going up and down slippery slopes. Why was everything I had to deal with such an issue? How come I couldn’t be like the rest of the world and just deal?
I decided in that moment that I was going to be one of those people. I was going to be one of those who could handle it when things went badly. I was going to learn to cope and find answers because being this way wasn’t working for me. How I was going to do that was up in the air, but having that thought in my head gave me the determination to figure it out.
“Reign?” Andi asked.
I wiped at my face before facing the two people who had decided I wasn’t getting much space and followed me.
“Yes, I’m going to go and find my mother. I was going to go alone.” My eyes focused on Lynx. “I didn’t think you were going to come, so I was going to do it on my own. I’m pretty proud of myself for that.” I focused on the two of them. “It’s not going to be easy, but I’m doing it.” I felt to my bones the confidence in my words, and I loved every second of it.
It made me feel just a tad bit stronger, something I craved.
“I’m coming with you,” Lynx practically demanded, crossing his arms over his chest in challenge. Little did he know he wouldn’t have a fight over this. I was happy he wanted to come with me, that he gave a shit.
“Okay,” I replied.
A smile came across his face, lighting up the entire space. The warm feeling in my belly grew. I let it alone, though, because it felt good. These days, I was storing everything good as much as I could, never knowing when the dark hole would want to drag me down again.
“Are you sure this is a good idea after what happened last time?” Andi spoke up.
I had no doubt she thought that whatever I found would send me to the place where she had found me before. I had to admit I was scared of that, too, but I was in a different place.
“I need to do this, Andi. I didn’t know what I was getting into last time, and I wasn’t expecting it. With my mother, I don’t have high expectations.”
“But what if you can’t take it?” The panic in Andi’s voice rocked me to my core. I didn’t want to upset her again. I didn’t want her to worry. It was another reason I had wanted to get out of there before she got home: seeing the hurt sucked.
“I don’t have any answers for what will happen. All I know is I have to do this. I have to find out why. Whatever happens or c
omes of that, I’ll deal with it.” How I would deal with it was the question of the hour. However, I would do my damnedest, especially since I didn’t want to bring Andi down again. It was a whole new reason to fight my way out.
“Do you want him to go with you?” she mumbled, tipping her head in the direction of Lynx. It was cute and almost funny, but I didn’t laugh.
“I know this is sudden and different, but yes, I want Lynx with me.”
A look of defeat fluttered across her eyes, tugging at my heart. I didn’t understand it. Was she upset that I wasn’t taking her?
I stepped close to Andi, sucking in deeply before I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her to my body. She rested her head on my shoulder, reciprocating the hug.
“I worry about you,” she said in my hair.
“I know. I’m going to be fine. I’m hoping”—damn, I said the H-word—“that this will make things better for me … Help me understand better.”
“I know,” she whispered back, retreating from my embrace. “Be careful,” she said into my eyes then turned to Lynx. “If anything happens to her, I hold you responsible.” Her tone totally changed when she addressed Lynx, making the hairs on the back of my head stand up in surprise.
“I’d never let anything happen to her,” Lynx said.
***
After giving Lynx the address and climbing up in his monster of a truck—I kid you not, it was huge, like having to lift my knee so high it touched my chest just to get in huge—the ride to the address was quiet. I was pretty sure Lynx was trying to give me some space after what had happened with Andi, and I appreciated that. I liked how he knew when to give me time to process things.
The drive seemed to go on for hours. Lynx would stop, and we would use the restrooms, grab something to eat, and then head back out. It sucked, though, because Andi forced money into my pocket before I left. I felt like a heel having to use it and not having my own. The feeling burned me. Still, I knew that no matter what, I was paying her back every last cent. Lynx gave me space on that, too, not demanding he pay or making me feel any shittier than I already did.
“We’re about an hour out,” he said, still facing the windshield. He had a profile I was sure women would swoon over: a strong jaw and nose with bowed lips that looked so damn soft. Even the scar he had didn’t take away from the beauty that was this man. I wanted to ask him how he got it yet refrained. It wasn’t my place. If he wanted to tell me, he would.
“Okay,” I replied.
“You ready to talk to me yet?” He glanced my way, his face a mix of concern and something else I couldn’t put my finger on.
I huffed out, “What do you want to talk about?”
“Want to first explain to me what your relationship with Andi is?”
That question caught me off guard. We had talked about Andi before. He knew she was my best friend; therefore, I didn’t know where he was going with this.
“Sorry?”
“Are you two dating? Have you been together?”
I gasped, my stomach doing a triple summersault at the thought of it. Why on earth would he think this?
Chills raced down my arms as the memories of earlier flitted in my head. Her look of disappointment, the shadow that had crossed over her eyes, the way she had snapped at Lynx…
Holy shit. He couldn’t be right, could he?
Lynx ginned. “I can tell by your deer-in-the-headlights look that you didn’t suspect a thing.”
I had to shut my mouth because my jaw dropped open. I hadn’t. How could I have missed something like that? As soon as I thought it, I knew the answer. I was so caught up in my own head I didn’t see what was right in front of me.
“Oh, shit,” I said softly, covering my mouth with my hand. “I didn’t…” I couldn’t say anything more. This could change everything between me and Andi, and I couldn’t lose her.
“I get that you didn’t, but a blind man could tell she loves you.”
Shit. Shit. Shit. She loves me? Like that? My head spun as this tumbled around in a kaleidoscope of colors so vivid they were almost blinding.
With a thunk, I rested my head against the headrest, fully taking all of it in. First, I had closed off that part of me for so long that, not until Lynx, had any rumblings or tingles come to me. Second, she was my best friend, and if this were true, she could get mad that I didn’t reciprocate those feelings.
She was beautiful—don’t get me wrong—but I had never once thought of her as anything more than a friend, a best friend whom I cared deeply for, who had been there for me, stuck by me like no one else had. She had never elicited those tingles or feelings inside of me. I almost felt guilty for not feeling the same way because I could hurt her badly. No, this couldn’t be happening. It just couldn’t.
“Babe, I didn’t mean to dump this shit on you, but you two are gonna need to have a talk.”
Talk … I didn’t want to talk. No, I wanted to run. I didn’t want to talk to her about her liking me then tell her no. She of all people knew I didn’t have relationships, but seeing me with Lynx had to have hurt her, and I absolutely did not want to do that. I never wanted to cause her any pain, not like I had before. Regardless, I had a feeling this was going to go badly no matter what way I dished it out.
“Yeah,” I answered. He was right; we were going to have to talk. I so didn’t want to, but if that was how she really felt, then it would need to be addressed. Of course, I hadn’t the slightest inkling of how to do that.
I dug down deep inside myself. I needed to deal with my mother first. Then I would talk to Andi. I could only handle one thing at a time, and adding in Lynx’s closeness, I was already juggling two. Math was never my strong suit, but I was definitely one over my quota.
“How have you been doing?” Lynx asked, changing the subject, something I was grateful for. The tension was there, but this was a good reprieve.
“Good, I think. I got my job back at the bar part-time.”
“That’s great, babe,” he encouraged, and it felt good to have that, even with my chest heavy at the new revelation.
I kept going. “I’ve been searching for a steady job, but there aren’t that many out there for someone like me.”
“What do you mean by that?”
I shrugged, looking out the window. “All I’ve ever done is wait tables and bartend. There are only so many bars and restaurants around this place.”
“Maybe you need to do something else,” he suggested.
I wanted to chuckle yet held it in.
“Right. Like what? There isn’t much for a high school drop-out to get.” I had always had a complex that I hadn’t finished school. I had hated it when I was there since the kids were downright cruel, but looking back, I wished I had that small, little piece of paper, just to show I had accomplished something in life. As it stood right then, I had nothing, which didn’t sit right with me.
“Anything you set your mind to. What did you enjoy growing up?” His question made my throat constrict.
“I didn’t have things I enjoyed growing up. I didn’t have toys or crayons or any of that kid shit.” I thought back, not one thing standing out. At Christmas, I would get second-hand clothes, never any toys or anything fun. Regardless, I was grateful for them. I needed them, but it would have been nice to have something.
“Let’s think about the last few years. What’s something you enjoyed?” This question wasn’t any better. It was really sad and made me realize just how far I had fallen into myself. It was time to climb up.
“All I’ve done is work since getting my own place.”
“Do you watch TV?”
“Of course.” Everyone did that. It was nothing special.
“What do you like to watch?”
He was going to laugh at me; I just knew it. I didn’t want to tell him but did, anyway.
“Don’t laugh,” I told him, a small smirk playing on my lips. He said nothing, so I continued, “I watch home improvement shows, ones where they t
ake old houses and fix them up.” I turned to look at him, recognizing a small smile gracing his lips, but he didn’t laugh. “But I can tell you I know shit about fixing anything and have never built anything in my life.”
“You never know.” He winked, and my heart did a flip at the silent gesture. I wanted to yell at it and tell it to stop, but it wouldn’t do a damn bit of good. “Maybe we can find a birdhouse or something,” he joked.
I felt the smile spread across my lips and looked down, instantly embarrassed.
“You know you have every right to smile, babe,” Lynx said with conviction, but I hadn’t reached that point yet, the one where I thought I deserved anything. Deserving anything wasn’t on my mind while I dealt with the bumpy road I was on. Therefore, I said nothing, just stared out the window, watching the trees fly by.
“Reign,” he said, and I turned to him, giving him my full attention. “I mean it. Everyone deserves to be happy, and sometimes, it happens when we least expect it.” Those words hung in the cab until we pulled up to a small box house.
“This is it,” Lynx said as I took in my surroundings.
Around the home’s exterior were bushes that looked so overgrown they should have been pulled out by their roots and replaced. The brick and mortar looked decent, but the broken down car and camper off in the driveway looked like they could use a lot of work. The house didn’t look horrible at all.
I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but this seemed almost normal, whatever in the hell that meant.
“Let’s park around the block, and then we’ll go up.”
Puzzlement filled me. “Why?”
“Trust me?” he asked.
I froze. I hadn’t expected him to ask me something like that so bluntly. Trust had always been something I didn’t give. It made me vulnerable. Giving someone your trust meant they could hurt you in ways you never dreamed, and it wouldn’t be a physical pain. No, it would be the emotional backlash that killed.